I'm going to break up with my boyfriend. Tell me I'm doing the right thing?

[OhTiger]

I'm doing it tonight. It's going to be horrible. He will cry minimum. He's not had a great relationship history, and I don't think he has a clue this is coming. I feel like a horrible bitch that has led him on.

Met in January and it has all gone too fast. He's pretty much moved in. He's not been home to his house in weeks. To start with I liked it as I'd had a lonely time, and I like his company, but now I feel suffocated.

When we met he seemed to have loads of friends and was always doing stuff. Now he just wants to stay in with TV and cuddle.

Cuddles are very nice, but we barely have sex ever. In the first couple of weeks he was v passionate, then nothing or ferry sex - roll on roll off. I've not had an orgasm in 3 months.

He is usually very nice to my children and wants to be a positive influence, but he shouted at both of them (separate incidents) yesterday. I have encouraged the fact he is an adult in the house, and deserves respect, but I'm perfectly capable of discipline, do it my way and don't need back up.

He's bought quite a few bits for the house and garden. I'm not sure how this is going to work, do I reimburse him? I have been feeding him and doing his washing and he's been using my electric for months I know I know don't say it

It's my bithday this weekend and I know he has bought me something so I need to get it over with tonight so it does not get worse.

I'm right, right?

[AvonCallingBarksdale]

Aw, OP, you should have bags under your eyes from all-night shagging and a spring in your step at this stage of the relationship!! I hope for your sake there's a mahoosive change in his behaviour.

[TalkativeJim]

So is he going to spend more time at his place and stop smothering you?

Fair enough, give it another go, but don't givbe a third chance. Because the worst thing about a situation like this is that you are WASTING TIME.

He bores you.

That should say it all, really.

[OhTiger]

And I'mnot doing much work on the step parent thing, I've pointed him at mumsnet step parenting boards and he's looking at Amazon to see what books he can read. His friend recommended an older one but he's looking for an up to date one.

As for why, he's a good person, he's in a very new situation, never dated a mum, never been around kids, wants it to be good, loves me

Makes me laugh, generally understands my pov, ages with feminism

[carabossse]

Why is it so important that he gets what he wants?
Are his feelings more important than yours?

Like everyone else said. - 6 months in!
I feel sad to imagine what sort of relationships you've had, that you expect so little.

[OhTiger]

Gah. Phones being a dick. But anyway, trying cos I can, I can see what went wrong and so can he. If it doesn't get sorted I can say I tried. He accepts it's mostly his fault, but I accept I haven't helped by putting up with shit til it overcame me.

[BOF]

I'd find it hard to look forward to "naked bedtimes" with somebody I'd seriously been wanting to dump.

[SolidGoldBrass]

So you've had a shitty relationship (or more than one) in the past? You've got another one here. This man isn't interested in your feelings, he's interested in his own wellbeing, and having a woman to feed and clean up after him. He's a Klingon, and now you've let him talk you round, it's going to be even harder to get rid.

[OhTiger]

Yes, he's going home more. So I don't feel smothered, and Friday afternoons he'll housework with me so I'm not doing it all.

He doesn't bore me. When we talk he's funny and interesting and clever

[BOF]

If you are determined to have another go, I really think you should be looking at him spending far less time at your house. It really isn't fair to children to move this quickly.

[Jux]

Honeymoon period is 2 years. Generally. On average.

Less than 6m means ..... what, OP?

Means get rid and look elsewhere, in my book

[OhTiger]

No chance of babies! Hysterectomy at 32. That's sorted.

[ChasedByBees]

Oh OhTiger (sorry couldn't resist that)

"I haven't helped by putting up with shit til it overcame me."

But there shouldn't be too much shit in the first place. Not this soon in a relationship. Learning to communicate better is a vital step though.

You sound very nice - too nice even. Please just keep your guard up - having a time limit for things to get better is a good idea. Encourage his independence too, he should still be seeing his friends, not just parking himself on the sofa for cuddles.

All the best x

[TalkativeJim]

Well, all good then. Really yes if there are good points and you genuinely want to give it another go then you might as well. I only say this because you sound pretty sorted and feet on the ground with it - so, yes, go for it... but keep this thread, read it again in a month and be honest with yourself about the level of change. And if you find yourself having the same conversation with him EVER AGAIN... no more chances!

Good luck with lewdly nekkid bedtimes, eek.

[spondulix]

The sex issue alone would ring alarm bells for me at this early point in a relationship. It is going to rear its head again, sorry.

But good luck, OP.

[pictish]

I think you're selling yourself short, because he talked you round.

Anyway - here's another take on it. If I were in a relationship of six months and the fella told me he wanted to break up and that he wasn't happy, I have to tell you, I would not be trying to convince him to give me another chance. Even if I was deeply in love.

If, after six months, he is not that keen, and talks of splitting, then the relationship is not good enough. I won't be on trial or work harder to make him love me. It shouldn't be like that so early on. It would also set a bar in which I felt like if I made one false move, I'd be ejected.

No thank you.

Why would he settle for that? Ask yourself.

[RoooneyMara]

Also...it just sounds like really hard work.

You can rationalise it as much as you like, he's good at this, great at that, funny etc...but there is no spark.

It's the spark what makes it go one way or the other. You NEED a spark.

I know it's easy to slip into the 'well I'm old enough to have been married for 10 years so this is how my relationship should be' type of thinking. But think back to the last time you really, really loved someone so you couldn't be apart.

Was it like this? No it wasn't. and in the words of Bob dylan...if something ain't right, it's wrong.

[OneMoreGo]

You're not ready. That's okay.

When you are ready, come back here and talk to us and we'll support you. All the best, OP.

[ChippingInWiredOnCoffee]

I'm sorry to hear about your hysterectomy - but relieved that you can't get pregnant to him.

You have had a bad (several bad??) relationship(s) in the past and it is blinding you to how bad this one is - sure, it's probably better than you have had... but it's a LOT less than you (and your kids) deserve.

Think on my love - really, you shouldn't be wasting another minute with this guy.

[50shadesofmeh]

If its not doing it for you at 5 months it never will I'm afraid.

[HamsterDam]

he isn't a step parent. he's your boyfriend of 6 months.

[NomNomDePlum]

sex not working after only six months? sorry, op, hiding to nowhere.

[OhTiger]

he isn't a step parent. he's your boyfriend of 6 months.

But he's around my kids a lot, and likes them, and wants us all to be happy and neither of us have done this before, so where else to start?

[ShipwreckedAndComatose]

Supportive voice here. If this is what you truly want, then I do wish you the very best.

I would just say, keep a check on those promises and make sure it stays the way you agreed

[ExcuseTypos]

Sorry but you really shouldn't be letting your dc see this man as a step parent. He's your friend, not their step dad.

[HamsterDam]

well its abit late now but start with doing fun things together outside the home rather than move him in.
it doesn't matter how much they like each other or how much time he spends on your sofa- he isn't a parent or step parent.
you said you don't need help with discipline so what advise is he looking for on the step parents boards?