I can't seem to be friends with men without them trying it on

[Isitallmyfault]

Is it my fault? Do I give off some weird kind of vibe? I'm married. Whenever I have a male friend they absolutely always try it on or an inappropriate. I don't even think I'm pretty this is no way a stealth boast. I'm so fed up with it. Maybe I give off a cheap/slut vibe or maybe I encourage it somehow. So pissed off at being flung into yet another awkward situation.

Me, too, Offred. "I almost feel like I can't say no or be assertive without it being rude" is another classic after-effect, Isit. Logically, abusers didn't like us saying NO or standing up against them, did they? There are plenty of pushy/bullying people in adult life, who try to make us feel bad for going against them. Tough shit

I definitely recommend saying No a lot, and remembering that it is a complete sentence

And you don't sound crazy. It sounds normal for what you have been through but obviously it is likely to have difficult and unpleasant consequences for you if you really can't be assertive. But you can learn.

I am wondering if you are unintentionally giving out vibes becuase you are just so nice. Very much a yes person. And men would warm to that.
Can I pass you the sauce? You forgot your jumper. I will go out to the car and get it for you, type of person.

The part I an trying to imagine, and it may not even be relevant, is what sort of places this happens in. Just restaurants?

If you were sexually abused as a child, you were taught clear and plain that you had no rights, that rights didn't belong to you. You were thoroughly taught that you had no protective layer and that people could come and go at random. Lessons like that go deep and they also hide.

It's very probably the reason why you feel embarrassed to be protesting that you do have rights - or confused about whether you have rights at all, where those rights begin and end. You may have adjusted well emotionally from what happened to you when you were abused as a child, but some nuts and bolts are probably missing in the framework of how you approach relationships now; what to expect, what is unacceptable, how to protect yourself.

ime of my boundaries being trashed from the year dot, I am often confused about what to do, genuinely don't know what to do; know something isn't right, not at all sure how it isn't right or what to do about it.

[like] Springy's post.

So these men who are hitting on you know both you and your DH? And they send you inappropriate texts, or accost you when you are going to the toilet in the pub etc?

OP, these men are NOT your friends. Seriously they are not. They are not your DH's friends either. They are predators.

And it's not like they are "falling in love" with you and can't help but express their desire to you - they are hoping for a bit of off the record/illicit sex with you. They clearly see some vulnerability in you and hope to exploit that.

So sorry to hear about your abuse - I think more knowledgeable posters have covered this well upthread, and I too think it could be connected.

To reiterate, these men who follow you to the loo and send brazen texts are neither your friend or your DH's friend. Would you consider a female mutual 'friend' who hit on your DH, send filthy texts to DH and followed him to the loo to be either your friend or your DH's? No of course not.

Moving forward, I would consider not hanging out with these people any more. If you do continue, I think you need to rebutt any further advances with very clear and direct statements - "Your text/advances are offensive and inappropriate. DH finds them so too. They are unwelcome. If you approach me in such a way again, our friendship with you will be over."

I suggest mentioning your DH as they may be shocked to hear that you tell him, and it is good to let them know you are not alone & you and your DH are a solid team. You also might find these "friends" just aren't so friendly once you give them a very clear message you are unavailable.

you say in your OP "So pissed off at being flung into yet another awkward situation."

It need not be your awkward situation at all. If you can deal with an inappropriate approach at the time, very clearly and directly, then the only person who needs to feel awkward is your "Friend" who has acted inappropriately.

I haven't read the whole thread but OP, please don't blame yourself and think you are giving off 'slutty' vibes (a horrible word that shouldn't be used about any woman).

IME, I have only have one male friend in my whole life who was not interested in being more than friends. I have found that most men are not interested in being just friends. There is almost always an ulterior motive - almost always. And I have been hurt in the past when a male 'friend' disappeared if I became attached and clearly did not see the point in the 'friendship' now that I was not single. Friends say the same thing! I think it is common sadly...

I believe you.

I agree with others that there is probably an unconscious signal you are giving off through having a fuzzy idea of personal boundaries, stemming from your childhood abuse . I bet you are just "nice" to everyone - (why shouldn't you be?), don't spot the first signals of flirtation from Guy X, continue being "nice" where someone else would back off, and then Guy X takes that as a come on.

So, no, not your fault, but yes, probably to do with the subconscious social signalling you do. Being aware of this is the first step to addressing it. I agree about getting some counselling. In the meantime, aslo try to develop a strategy for polite but firm brush offs when you DO finally notice the move from Guy X.