I can't seem to be friends with men without them trying it on

[Isitallmyfault]

Is it my fault? Do I give off some weird kind of vibe? I'm married. Whenever I have a male friend they absolutely always try it on or an inappropriate. I don't even think I'm pretty this is no way a stealth boast. I'm so fed up with it. Maybe I give off a cheap/slut vibe or maybe I encourage it somehow. So pissed off at being flung into yet another awkward situation.

I think some men just try it on on the off chance of getting lucky, they are the ones to drop. Some however do misread the signals. I had one once, we were (I thought) good friends there was nothing inappropriate at all. He talked to me when he was having a bit a bleak time, I even gave him dating advice!

Then he asked me when I would be leaving my husband so we could be togther Flabbergasted is the least of it! He was hurt when I said that there was nothing in it for me, he had genuinely thought I was in love with him. To this day I am still not sure how he came to that conclusion but there you go :o

Other male friends, I know I could go on holiday, stay with them, them stay here etc and it would never be an issue, we have boundaries.

It's the 'fun-loving' reputation, sadly. See the phrase 'fun-loving' in an online dating profile and it's translated as 'up for it'. I don't think you should change your personality or behaviour but I think you have to turn on your twat radar and be a little less naïve perhaps. IME once you get past the childhood/teens/uni phase of your life, very few men who want a one-on-one friendship with an adult woman are in it for platonic reasons.

"To this day I am still not sure how he came to that conclusion"

You showed him some kindness. Some people are so starved of affection, that's all it takes.

Quite agree Cogito. There are some people who are not very attractive [dont mean in a looks way] to other people unfortunately, and as you say, just talking to them kindly can give them ideas.

Cogito has nailed it.

Don't change who you are, but if you are unhappy with how things go with male friends, stop having one to ones with them. For them to even mention swapping you for their current partner the conversation has got pretty intimate and flirty whether you realise it or not.

I have a friend who meets guys from work regularly for coffee or a drink, spends hours and hours chatting to them, one to one, and then expresses shock and surprise when they come on to her. Personally I think she likes the attention. I'm fairly certain they wouldn't hit on her if she said 'bye 'Fred', see you tomorrow' and went home to her husband, rather than inviting whoever for a beer.

I didn't see her say that, Lweji - just that she was married
I meant she said she was married, but she hadn't said that she was happily married.

Try non-verbal communication first.

If they say s/thing complimentary/flirtatious DO NOT reward it in any way, not a smile or a simper or a giggle.

(this is very hard to do esp as we have been brought up to not offend someone).

If they persist, give them a clear, hard stare. Then, act as though it was not said and carry on your conversation. Literally, repeat the sentence before the try on.

Then you could say s/thing like 'that is not something I would want'. Neutral and to the point.

'Trying it on' is predatory and sees you as a 'fun' object who might be stupid enough to give them a chance of some fun if they try, so if you focus hard on not caring about what they feel/wanting them to like you,

the lack of reaction and the clear hard stare is often more than enough.

Good luck.

Non verbal communication? Hard stares? 'Back off you seedy git or I'll be letting your missus know what you're really like!'.... that's the kind of put-down the OP needs to rehearse.

It is amazing how effective 'directing' someone before they even know it or it is even conscious, can be, Cog!

I am guessing that the OP does't like hurting people's feelings, to the extent that she puts their needs before her own.

So boundaries at this pre-verbal level is something that would be good for her to work on.

I think it's really hard to judge from such a short post, what to you may think of as trying it on, to them may be banter.

If it's not too much to ask then some examples would help, also with a rough idea of how the conversation has gone before that. Then it can be a question of working out mechanisms or indeed responses to make your position clear

You can do subconscious 'directing' if it lights your candle but I think it's a big waste of time. If the OP is having unwanted groins thrust at her she has to get past being worried about hurting people's feelings and be assertive ... not turn herself in to some pre-verbal fan-fluttering Geisha type...

If you are married and you socialise a lot with men and you are lots of fun, then they become 'friends' and then you give them your mobile number and then you start texting - of course they are going to hit on you!

How do you get so many opportunities to go out with male friends and have fun (without your husband presumably?!)

It would be helpful OP if you could define "trying it on"

Are we talking a proposition of a dirty weekend? Or a bit of near the knuckle flirting?

A tenner says it's 'sexting'....

I have never in my life been chatted up. Never.

Just thought I'd add that.

I'm not sure whether to give you a sympathetic and unmumsnetty hug spottybanana or a high five... :)

Well, are you a bloke Cognito because that could change everything . . .

Feel the need to tell a story.
I got married. So did a lot of couples we knew all around the same time.
DH and I didnt then carry on socialising as much as some of the other couples.
Went to a party a couple of years later.
Oh my word. Most of the couples, bar about 3 couples like us, were dancing with not their husbands or wives.
Shortly after that, there were rumours...
Is that the sort of thing that might be happening here op?

ILTB, I bet you inadvertently went to a wife swapping party. How exciting

Were the car keys in a the fruit bowl on the table ?

It has to be said a "hard stare" (if held long enough and direct enough) is very effective

along with "you propositioned me just then, how rude" with a deadpan face

it has to be utterly deadpan though, and you have to be ok with losing your rep as a "fun" girl and have it replaced with "toffee nosed and/or frigid bitch"

Trying to think of a witty response. Failed!

There is no such thing as a cheap/slit vibe. Mention you are happily married a few times, if they still try it on they are just rude nasty idiots.

Are you making eye contact when you chat to your male friends? I think that if you look directly at someone it can suggest you find them attractive.
In much conversation you just glance occasionally at the person you are talking to and look everywhere else the rest of the time but if you are after someone you look at their face a lot.

I am talking about chat above - on the other hand if you speak to someone about something of importance to you and the other person eg a work problem then you do probably look at each other. before everyone comes on and corrects me