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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I can't seem to be friends with men without them trying it on

184 replies

Isitallmyfault · 10/06/2013 20:19

Is it my fault? Do I give off some weird kind of vibe? I'm married. Whenever I have a male friend they absolutely always try it on or an inappropriate. I don't even think I'm pretty this is no way a stealth boast. I'm so fed up with it. Maybe I give off a cheap/slut vibe or maybe I encourage it somehow. So pissed off at being flung into yet another awkward situation.

OP posts:
Offred · 12/06/2013 20:37

Ok, but why?

What is wrong with a person you call a friend having a mobile number? There are a million scenarios that dont involve "hey, here's my number why dont you give me a call sometime?" stuff...

What relevance does marriage have to the giving out of numbers? The thing I'd say is certainly it would be better if the op had realised these guys were wrong uns before the sexting happened but maybe she's just not equipped to handle any of that well because of the past abuse. Why be so keen to aggressively challenge her about these things? Especially if you agree giving out a number and going to the toilet shouldn't be seen as provocative behaviour.

I understand that a lot of people believe men and women cannot be friends/alone and that married people must not be allowed to have/make friends of the opposite sex or marriages must be guarded against mixed sex friendships. It's not something I agree with at all.

And you don't have to give out your number for someone to have it for a start even if I thought it was a valid criticism.

somewhatavoidant · 12/06/2013 20:38

This has happened to me several times OP and my conclusion is that most men are led by their penis so I'm thinking "what a lovely/special/deep connection we have" and turns out they're thinking "wanna fuck her"
Unless they're gay I think it's safe to assume they have thought a lot about whether or not they want to shag you whereas you might be focused on what a laugh you have together. It's sad & pathetic but trueHmm

Helltotheno · 12/06/2013 20:48

with a person you call a friend

These people are not friends offred, not by any definition of that term.

Yes I think men and women can be friends, even married men and women... I see friendships as relationships built up over a long time. Maybe you see them differently. No big deal.

Offred · 12/06/2013 20:52

I wouldn't call them friends, especially not after that behaviour, but friends is the term the op used.

Original poster
Isitallmyfault · 12/06/2013 20:56

I don't know that I even did "give my number out" tbh everyone just has everyone wlses.

There's no way they could know about abuse. I've never ever told anyone

OP posts:
Helltotheno · 12/06/2013 20:58

Exactly but that's the whole point, that she needs assistance in recognising those boundaries, probably because of what she's been through.

worsestershiresauce · 12/06/2013 21:02

It's the old when Harry met Sally conundrum isn't it. It should be possible for men and women to be friends, but often there is a tiny spark of attraction there. The guys I know say that they are most friendly with women they fancy a bit, even if they don't have any intention of acting on it.

Given something like 90% of communication is non-verbal, it is quite possible to give someone the wrong impression without necessarily wanting to. If all OP's male friends end up hitting on her I can only assume that she is doing something to encourage it. With the exception of total sleaze balls guys don't usually go out on a limb unless they expect a positive response. Rejection is not something anyone actively seeks out.

Offred · 12/06/2013 21:05

I suspect you would benefit from some support and counselling about the abuse and that that would help.

Can I also reassure you that there are some lovely men around who make brilliant friends just like there are some idiots and some excellents among women potential friends.

Hell - yy I can see what you're saying but the op was asking if it was her fault. It isn't. There are things she can do to help, I suspect on the information given anyway, but it isn't her fault these men are propositioning her and I think it's inappropriate to be banging on about whether she gave out her number in these circs because even if she did give her number out, she didn't want the attention and so it wasn't done provocatively. I don't think the only explanation is that the op is giving these guys the come on and then trying to court attention on here which seems to be what some people are implying. It is totally believable that someone who has never dealt with terrible child sex abuse would constantly find themselves being pestered by abusive men.

Helltotheno · 12/06/2013 21:10

but the op was asking if it was her fault. It isn't. There are things she can do to help

Agree. She seems to be surrounded by twunts.

How is your DH OP? Is he supportive?

AnyFucker · 12/06/2013 21:21

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

Offred · 12/06/2013 21:30

No, most men are not like that but I would say it is much more common than relatively rare. I'm not sure, AF, you'd ever be a target for that kind of man though.

Original poster
Isitallmyfault · 12/06/2013 21:36

Yes I have carefully and minimally described, this is mainly because I do not want to be outed. Especially in my group of friends. possibly I made it sound like loads but really it's maybe 4-5 different people, but i do not have many male friends so that seems the majortoty iyswim. I'm Not quite sure why you'd think I'm lying. I have nothing to gain from that, if I were attention seeking I'd go for more than words on a screen.

Dh is supportive, though I generally don't tell him the full picture.

OP posts:
getlucky · 12/06/2013 21:37

I go out in a large group of couples but the women do not text the men and vice versa. Why would they? We all class each other as friends but it is still not the done thing. I wouldn't appreciate it in the slightest if the women exchanged mobile numbers with my partner and were texting him on a 'friendly' basis or otherwise.

Original poster
Isitallmyfault · 12/06/2013 21:39

I'm not sure why the number thing is so relevant, we all have one another's numbers. It's not like I've surreptitiously given or extracted numbers. It's just the norm, as it is with many people. We don't have a ll lots of people don't and my mobile number is not top secret Confused

OP posts:
Offred · 12/06/2013 21:43

I think you need to speak to your dh tbh op. It will be divisive in your relationship if you don't and I think it will be hard to cut these people out if he doesn't know what has happened with them.

Offred · 12/06/2013 21:45

It is 'the done thing' in mine and dh's respective peer groups, the numbers thing. Most people we know have their numbers on Facebook.

garlicgrump · 12/06/2013 21:48

There's no way they could know about abuse. I've never ever told anyone

It doesn't matter; the repercussions I described have nothing to do with telling people about what was done to you. It's all about self-perception and boundaries. I do feel you'd benefit from some proper counselling, or at least a few good books. Have you ever visited the Stately Homes threads on this board? The OP is full of good books and websites :)

Offred · 12/06/2013 21:49

Have you confronted them or expressed that you found it offensive? I know this can be hard but I think it's essential. From experience, hiding it and hoping it will go away doesn't make it better.

Offred · 12/06/2013 21:52

And having your husband's support would help, as would him knowing because it creates a pressure on you to tackle it I think.

Original poster
Isitallmyfault · 12/06/2013 21:52

Not really no I think if anything I try to minimise it as I think always at the time even when it's blatant that I must be wrong anyway and why would they even fancy me.

OP posts:
Offred · 12/06/2013 22:11

It seems easier to deal with that way I think but it isn't, not in the long run. I do think it is perhaps not something you can realistically expect to change without some counselling of some kind because the minimising is probably tied to the abuse and will need careful handling.

Napac are a good place to start; www.napac.org.uk/

Offred · 12/06/2013 22:13

If you feel ready. And if your husband is generally supportive and you think he'll be supportive perhaps consider telling him what these men have said/done and how you felt about it. That way you can skirt around those difficult feelings about your own attractiveness.

Original poster
Isitallmyfault · 12/06/2013 22:23

Thank you I will look into it. It just seems silly to me to Greg something up that is so long ago, usually, mostly I don't feel like its something that has massively affected me I mostly think I've dealt with it quite well. The only reason I mentioned it was someone else did.

Although I'm sure I don't encourage or ask for attention I almost feel like I can't say no or be assertive without it being rude, I know that sounds totally crazy.

OP posts:
Original poster
Isitallmyfault · 12/06/2013 22:23

+drag

OP posts:
Offred · 12/06/2013 22:34

I think the fact that you've never had any counselling or any support over it and the things you say about not being comfortable with being thought of as attractive (although I wouldn't say this is the motive of these men) and wanting to minimise sexually aggressive behaviour as well as that you are having these problems with being propositioned does logically suggest to me after effects of abuse. It obviously may not be that but I do think it is likely.