Do I "trap" DH into having a 2nd DC? Terrible quandary, please help!

[alikat724]

DH and I fundamentally disagree on whether we should have another child (DD is 18 mo, DH has a 15 yo DS from previous relationship) and I would appreciate thoughts/comments/advice from MNers on whether I should consider taking the decision into my own hands, ceasing contraception and seeing what happens. I am 39, but fell pg very easily (2nd cycle) with DD, and come from a long line of very fecund women, so am fairly certain that I could fall again if I wanted to, but feel it is morally wrong to "trap" a man into having a child he has expressly said he didn't want (mostly because my mother did that with me!). As background, before we got married we agreed we wanted 2 children together but he has since changed his mind - his family is complete as he now has one of each! I feel horribly cheated, never wanted my child to grow up as a lonely youngest (my own situation is similar, lots of older half-brothers-and-sisters but no full siblings close to me) and feel very strongly that her life would be better for having a close, full brother or sister to share it with both when young and into adulthood. My girlfriends are encouraging me, but I also suspect that if I broke his trust and got pregnant again it would result in the end of our marriage, either sooner or later. But I also wonder if our marriage won't end anyway, given how betrayed I feel by him taking such an important thing away from me.... PLEASE HELP!!

Your husband has changed his mind, he is entitled to do that. If you cannot live with his decision and you really want another child then you need to leave the relationship and have another child with someone else. Deceiving someone in this way is just plain wrong.

Lweji, it's really not that straightforward at all. The first child is definitely because you want a child. After that, you are always thinking about your child as well, as well as the family as whole (hopefully). You can't say that everyone who has second child is doing it just because they want a child. (Do you have more than 1 child?).

My dsis wants another child for her child's sake, more than for her own sake. However she is sacrificing BOTH their wants for her dh, and their marriage, which she believes is much more important. To be fair, her dh may be persuaded so is less selfish than the OP's dh, but she believes he would find it very hard with 2 kids and therefore family life would be stressful. It's not an easy decision to have made and not clear cut either.

I believe there is a guarantee of that.

Don't be ridiculous, MerryMarigold.

Flogging. Think about all the siblings you know who dislike each other as adults (yes, we all hate each other at 13). How much of that it is to do with their family life as they were growing up? Did they come from loving, stable families with no favouritism and still manage to hate each other's guts?

Merry, I think, if you read properly, that you'll find I did not say what you said I did.

Sorry. I think that if we want a child, we want a child. We shouldn't use our children as an excuse.

What did you mean?

If you want to do the what if's this you marriage and DH decision,

You also should to do the what if of pregnancy for someone who is almost 40. You may have a lovely healthy pregnancy but there are risks downs,early births, etc, that go up with our age.
You may have this all planned with the thought of having wonderful new bundle, damned the fathers feelings, but what if that ended up being a baby with lifetime needs?
This does happen and is a risk, and with your situation with your DH already saying no, what position would that put you in? Just food for thought.

If I'm honest...I think you're obsessing about this abit too much, give it some time enjoy your 18month old for a while.
Your DH changed his mind, but he may change it back later.

I hope don't do this behind your DH back, he maybe selfish about saying no but you will be equally as selfish and morally wrong if you take it into your own hands with him not wanting another child.

I meant exactly that.
Not: "everyone who has second child is doing it just because they want a child."

Surely there's no sense in making a sacrifice of having a second or third child for the possible benefit to our children.

Without considering your DD, how strongly do you want to have another child, OP?
Would you be happy adopting? Or does it have to be yours?
That should help clarify the actual reasons why you want the second child.

Merry, no, I'm not an only child, if it matters.

'I believe there is a guarantee of that, but it depends on how they are brought up.' The second part of your sentence contradicts the first.

I was brought up in a house of 4 kids and my mum never encouraged us to be close in fact she had us always competing yet we are closeish. My closest friend had what I thought was a prefect family set up and there are 3 of them sisters and they barely speak

Merry do you meet lots of only children then and give them a questionaire?

I'm an adult only child and have never wanted a sibling. In fact, the arguments with my uncle over a will made me even more grateful I never had one.

I'm the youngest of 3. I have 2 older brothers 6 and 9 years older and I can't stand either of them. They are obnoxious, rude and always right! That'll be why at 40 and 43 they are single!
We were brought up very well but they are still a pair of tossers
My Dh and his brother are the best of friends.
So I don't think it matters totally how you are brought up to how you get on, if people are going to be wankers, they are going to be wankers.

Your husband being a fantastic father to two doesn't necessarily mean he will easily and naturally progress to being a fantastic father of three. He may be a great dad to two because there are only two and that is, in his opinion, emotionally and financially his limit

This ^^ I have 2 lovely children, but I don't want anymore. And nobody would be able to force me into it. I am the parent I want to be to my children, I wouldn't be able to say that if I have a third.

All those who think her dh is being unfair, I wonder if you have ever thought what the impact of being an unwanted child means. My mum wanted to terminate when she was pregnant with me. I was her fourth, she didn't 4. She wanted 2. She had #3 under reservations, but went on to love & cherish her as much as did her sons. She wasn't allowed to terminate me, she was told by her brothers & my dad that all would be OK, it was with #3, look how well that turned out. Etc. So she continued with the pregnancy. And here I am, 40 years later, suffering from the legacy of being an unwanted child.

Because it didn't work out. She didn't love me how she loved my siblings. She couldn't hide it either, and I am left wondering how on earth people even like me, let alone love me, because my own mother couldn't! Struggling to understand how a mother could reject her child like that. Struggling to understand why I am the only child she doesn't talk (haven't spoken for 20yrs). Struggling to understand how she let me leave the country we both lived in, with not so much as a word when she saw me in the street days before I emigrated.

She didn't tell any one that she threw herself down the stairs, or drank a bottle of gin & had a hot bath (old wives tale) to try to self inflict a miscarriage until she told her boyfriend at the time, while in the same room as me. And living with that is indescribable. Knowing your parent didn't want you, wanted you gone so badly, that she inflicted that on herself.

Add insult to injury, when I was still a little girl, my dad left. So there I was, being raised by someone who didn't want me. And yes, I blame my dad too. So how do I reconcile that? One didn't want me, one left me.

Does a lot for your self esteem, that!

Differentname, that is awful. So sad for you :(
I've not read all his thread so not sure if you've commented before, but do you have kids?

Choccywoccydodah

I do, I have 2 beautiful girls who more than love me . But sometimes that just compounds those feelings of being rejected! It also hurts that she has no interest in them.

I also have a wonderful husband, and it is only within the last few years, with some really good friends that I have learnt that I don't need to prove myself. I used to really spoil my "friends", not that I could afford it, but I thought that is what I needed to do to make them love/like me. And of course, they let me, as it meant they didn't have to spend their money!

You see, mum was always really happy when I did something for her, or bought her flowers/chocolates, so I thought that is how you got people to love you. Buy them stuff.

MerryMarigold

My sister and I were in a stable and loving family with no favouritism but we have absolutely nothing in common.

Neither of us likes the other and apart from sending each other Birthday and Christmas cards we have no contact. When our parents were alive they tried very hard to get us together but it just didn't work.

What if that happens to your two children OP? It's not as uncommon as you think.

I was not able to have children, you have been blessed with one and have a good relationship with your DH. Are you willing to jeopardise that?

"In some of the worst moments I feel like my choice is whether or not to be a single parent to one or two children; for myself, one would obviously be easier, but for my DD, I want there to be two."

It seems that this is all about what YOU want, not what is best for your family (by which I mean you, your husband, your stepson & your daughter).

If you feel that your husband has deceived or tricked you on having one-child only, then you need to deal with that between yourselves. Not bring an unwanted child into the equation.

What sort of example is this to set your daughter that it is okay to get pregnant against the other parent's wishes? I think you'd be better off concentrating on sorting out the resentment in your relationship and how you both move on from this. People do change their minds, it may not feel 'fair' but you'd have been entitled to change yours too.

Only children are not at any more of less of a disadvantage in life to children from large families either. I think you sound overly worried about this due to your own life experience.

OK. I concede (some of it).

LadyClarice. I don't see why the beginning of the sentence contradicts the end. If I say, "You are guaranteed not to get run over as long as you look carefully both ways when you cross the road." Is that a contradiction? Of course there is a small chance that somebody completely mental will mount the pavement and run you over, but I'd say it's pretty much a guarantee of road safety.

SilverOldie. I am nothing like my sister. Likewise we have very little in common apart from a common love of our parents and shared childhood memories. I guess we also have similar values on many things (probably from childhood), although we differ on some very large ones (decisions we have made as adults). We are still very close and accept each other for who we are.

Merry, a guarantee is not the same as 'pretty much a guarantee'.

In any case, I don't think it's even pretty much a guarantee that siblings will get on just because they're siblings. There are examples on this thread of people who haven't had that experience.

GS, you may well feel you are overprojecting, but you put forward some very important points.

I remember telling my brother to stop messing about with his partner - he didn't want children, she did, she was in her late 30s, blablabla. He has since died and she doesn't have that child and never will. Life really is too short to be messing about trying to prevent life, as in a baby, from actually happening.

I may be projecting on the life's too short issue, but I don't think anyone has a right to have sex with someone and at the same time tell them they are not allowed to have their baby if they fall pregnant. It's all just very sad really and I am quite surpised that the sisterhood is supporting this selfish man.

Nowhere has it been said that the DH would expect the OP to have a termination, wondering.