Do I "trap" DH into having a 2nd DC? Terrible quandary, please help!

[alikat724]

DH and I fundamentally disagree on whether we should have another child (DD is 18 mo, DH has a 15 yo DS from previous relationship) and I would appreciate thoughts/comments/advice from MNers on whether I should consider taking the decision into my own hands, ceasing contraception and seeing what happens. I am 39, but fell pg very easily (2nd cycle) with DD, and come from a long line of very fecund women, so am fairly certain that I could fall again if I wanted to, but feel it is morally wrong to "trap" a man into having a child he has expressly said he didn't want (mostly because my mother did that with me!). As background, before we got married we agreed we wanted 2 children together but he has since changed his mind - his family is complete as he now has one of each! I feel horribly cheated, never wanted my child to grow up as a lonely youngest (my own situation is similar, lots of older half-brothers-and-sisters but no full siblings close to me) and feel very strongly that her life would be better for having a close, full brother or sister to share it with both when young and into adulthood. My girlfriends are encouraging me, but I also suspect that if I broke his trust and got pregnant again it would result in the end of our marriage, either sooner or later. But I also wonder if our marriage won't end anyway, given how betrayed I feel by him taking such an important thing away from me.... PLEASE HELP!!

He didn't say he didn't allow her to have a baby if she fell pregnant, FGS!

One thing is not to want a planned baby, another is not to accept an (truly) accidental baby.

I don't really want more children now, but if I fell pregnant I'd have it.

And they already have a child.

He doesn't want her to have his child, OP has already said that if she fell pregnant by accident he would probably leave. That's not right.

That's different to him saying that she's not allowed to have the baby if she falls pregnant.

It's not that different.

realise I will be at odds with everyone else here but would just like to add my df only wanted 1 child and after my db was born thought that was it. My dm made holes in all the condoms and subsequently I was born.
I know that never for a moment did either of them regret it so I say go ahead "accidents" happen.

Your mother did that, and went on to ensure you knew about it jollygoose? . She sounds charming, and it's spectacularly bad advice, however special it appears to have made you feel.

I think those tricking men into having babies they don't want and giving women in general a bad rep are the ones letting the "sisterhood" down, wondering.

I would have no sympathy for a woman if her husband dumped her after she deceived him in a way like this. If you did it, you would run the risk of a broken home and unwanted, unloved child. You would deserve that, but your children and husband wouldn't.

I would say women are being forced to trick their partners. Their partners want to have sex with them but don't want to take responsibility for the outcome. Since when did men decide whether women got pregnant or not? In a loving relationship a man would normally go with whatever the woman chose to do. It's her body that bears the child, it should be her decision.

The only sisterhood on this thread is sterile sisterhood.

I fucking hate this jokey, smirky tone about poking holes in condoms and having "accidents"...

1. ...because your partner believes they are consenting to safe sex. If the sex isn't safe, then you don't have their consent. And that is rape.

1. ...because MRAs can point to it to fuel their assumption that women will 'spermjack' them if they get the chance.

I don't hate it I just think it's very sad that women feel they are forced into this position.

I also think it' sad that someone who is supposed to love someone won't let them have the baby that they want when they are reaching the end of their fertility.

I know that never for a moment did either of them regret it so I say go ahead "accidents" happen

I am pleased that neither of your parents regret you. But my mother regretted me & it hurts that she made little to no effort to make me feel loved. No one should visit that upon a child. No one should have a baby or be forced into having a baby because it might work out. The only one who really suffers, is the child.

I really hope my (only) son never meets a woman who thinks putting holes in condoms, or engineering any kind of contraceptive failure is an acceptable way to behave! Men have just as much right to say no to another baby, as women have to say no to sex IMO.

Oh and whoever said they had never heard of an only child that didn't want siblings, that's me! And my son!

A child is a huge lifetime commitment, not 'go on let her have a baby' type stuff. Children have two parents, and they both should decide whether or not they want to start that journey. Either has a perfectly legitimate veto, regardless of their reasons. Unless the father is a completely uninvolved tosser, and the mother is intending to provide every parenting need then of course it has a huge impact on them both! Sure it would be more egregious if the man 'accidentally' gets the woman pregnant, but that doesn't make it in any way shape of form OK if the woman does it to the man.

Very rare indeed for siblings to be 'each others' best friends'.
More commonly best enemies who defend each other against external attack.

It strikes me that this is a huge burden to put on your children, alikat. You are risking breaking up your marriage to give your dd a sibling - imagine how that would make her feel? The same goes for the potential new sibling - they could end up KNOWING they are the reason their mum is a single mum, and that their sister no longer has a full time dad!

I also wonder how you can risk bringing a child into this world, whose father might dislike, resent or even hate it, because of the way you tricked him to get pregnant. Do you want to see one of your children rejected, not loved, or treated less well than your dd by their own father? Differentnameforthis has very bravely and clearly told you what that feels like, and how much damage it has done to her. How can you, in good conscience, risk this for an innocent child?

I sure hope there is no sisterhood.
I prefer humanity.
It should not be us against them, but mutual respect.

It's more selfish to inflict an unwanted child, particularly by deception, on someone who doesn't than not wanting a child.
Also selfish in relation to the child.

GettingStrong

I am sorry, you are right...it isn't just the child who suffers. I was getting emotional!

I am sorry for your situation. I am pretty sure in thinking that you probably won't ever tell your daughter, but if you did, or she found out, she will know that despite all that, she is loved, yes? Which is all you can do...love her how you love the others. Treat her the same.

That is what my mum didn't do, and so telling me at 16 all that she did, just compounded the issue. I could probably have coped with knowing that I was an unplanned, perhaps initially unwanted child, if I felt & was loved.

I wish you all the best, GettingStrong and hope that you are getting some help with your feelings.

As much as I am a raging femo, I can't believe women are saying the man is in the wrong for not letting her have another baby.

It is not our god given right to do what we like and f our partners!!!!!!

Mumsnet is well behind the times in issues like this, and money probably, and we need to fix up. I am with the naysayers, still, and no man need worry that I will accidentally on purpose trap him.

wonderingagain
"I also think it' sad that someone who is supposed to love someone won't let them have the baby that they want when they are reaching the end of their fertility."

Emotional blackmail is a wonderful thing (O_o)

wonderingagain
"I would say women are being forced to trick their partners."

I would say that women arn't forced in to tricking their partner they have a choice.

Wondering, your comments really are surprising. Yes it's a ladies body, but in a loving relationship you BOTH choose. Yes, his word shouldn't be law, but if it came down to losing my dh and having an only child vs having 2 children and bringing them up as a single parent, I know what I would chose.
You can't miss something that you haven't already got, but you can cherish what you already have.
It is not a god given right to have a baby, and to make your chosen partner have a child whether they like it or not! That is selfish and simply pathetic.
I'm sure if it was the other way around and the man wanted a child and the woman didn't, again the whole it's the woman body blah blah argument would come out.
There is no right and no wrong in this whole thing when it comes to the man changing his mind, that's how things go. Who's to say they have 2 children and the woman wants 3? Because it's her body, she should get what she wants? No. Life changes, things change. Be grateful for what you have.

I am in this situation. DP has 2 older children and now that DS is 2.8 he has said he doesn't want any more as DS is hard work (very lively!). I am almost 43, so a bit meh about a 2nd one now. As time passes the desire for a second really diminishes.

Other factors are DS adores his Dad and i know a 2nd child would strain our relationship too much and i need to protect my existing child rather than bring in a 2nd child for my own needs.

I have fallen out with my sister (her decision) long boring story and also have a brother who i get on with but lives abroad so siblings ar eno guarantee of companionship.

Ironically I get on best with my first cousin who is an only child and the most well balanced of all of us...

I think it is worth posting on the one child family boards to get a positive perspective. your dd does have a half brother and although he is not your biological child he is your DD's blood relative.

Sometimes as a mum, there are things you just have to "suck up". I am not trying to be flippant. Your experiences as a much yonger half siblinbg need not be your daughter's if you can help he=r make good friendships....

By splitting up surely you will be on a similar financial position to having a second ie private school might be out, two house holds to finance etc