Do I "trap" DH into having a 2nd DC? Terrible quandary, please help!

[alikat724]

DH and I fundamentally disagree on whether we should have another child (DD is 18 mo, DH has a 15 yo DS from previous relationship) and I would appreciate thoughts/comments/advice from MNers on whether I should consider taking the decision into my own hands, ceasing contraception and seeing what happens. I am 39, but fell pg very easily (2nd cycle) with DD, and come from a long line of very fecund women, so am fairly certain that I could fall again if I wanted to, but feel it is morally wrong to "trap" a man into having a child he has expressly said he didn't want (mostly because my mother did that with me!). As background, before we got married we agreed we wanted 2 children together but he has since changed his mind - his family is complete as he now has one of each! I feel horribly cheated, never wanted my child to grow up as a lonely youngest (my own situation is similar, lots of older half-brothers-and-sisters but no full siblings close to me) and feel very strongly that her life would be better for having a close, full brother or sister to share it with both when young and into adulthood. My girlfriends are encouraging me, but I also suspect that if I broke his trust and got pregnant again it would result in the end of our marriage, either sooner or later. But I also wonder if our marriage won't end anyway, given how betrayed I feel by him taking such an important thing away from me.... PLEASE HELP!!

You can argue the pro's and cons of having or not having another baby until the cows come home but it doesn't actually make a difference - regardless of your reasons you can't trick someone into having another baby. It would be a deceitful and manipulative thing to do. It should never ever be an option.

What you can do is stall for time and see if you can persuade him at a later date. Ask him to promise to think about it in a years time (or whenever) and tell him if he still doesn't want another then you will respect his wishes.

I don't understand why you think he is selfish. His reasons seem valid. However, I do understand why you want another child too.

Good luck. I hope you sort this out.

Perhaps I'm morally corrupt, but I'd do it, OP.

Good luck, whatever you decide to do.

I think it seems suspicious that he changed his mind, and is now so adamant, pretty much straight after you got pregnant the first time. I also agree that it's not unreasonable for you to say that you are stopping contraception now as it isn't actually something you want to use, and he needs to make his own choice about how he handles that. I don't agree that you are obliged to spell out the consequences of that to him as someone suggested. He is 44, for goodness' sake, and has two kids already, so he should be well aware of the possible consequences.

There is the risk that a pregnancy would end the marriage. Then again, nothing in life is certain: there are plenty of people on here who have been unexpectedly widowed (sorry to raise it but it happens) and plenty whose marriages have broken up anyway even though they stuck at it, tried their best etc. So you can't guarantee those won't happen either.

One last thing, though. I'm an only child and had a great childhood. Don't imagine it's a terrible fate; it isn't! And she does already have a half sibling. I know that's not the same for you, but it could be a big brother relationship she will value later in life.

I don't know if this helps OP, but I am an only child and had very little in the way of family.

I did miss having a sibling but in the absence of my parents obliging, I adopted a brother 30 years ago (I am 46) and he has proved highly satisfactory in the role ever since. He is funny witty and amusing, he is without doubt the cleverest person I have ever met, he can talk books until the cows come home and he dances marvellously. He walked me down the aisle when I got married (father died before I got married and no uncles as very small family), changed nappies dutifully, took the kids playing tennis and walking and was a shoulder to cry on when relationships broke down.

Only children make their own families. Sibling relationships are to be treasured, for sure. But in their absence, you make your own family.

Don't trap your DH. I didn't want a second child (despite my own story, as I had had a lot of problems conceiving), and only gave in because DH nagged ceaselessly. I call DS DH's best idea, because he was. By the time I had had 2, I very much wanted a third. Why not? The more the merrier. DH refused point blank.

So I come to this - marriage is a partnership game. You may be persuaded into something despite your misgivings and find it a delight - as I do DS. Talk and talk and talk to your DH. He might come round. If he doesn't come round, then it is fundamentally unfair to trap him.

"I didn't want a second child (despite my own story, as I had had a lot of problems conceiving), and only gave in because DH nagged ceaselessly. I call DS DH's best idea, because he was. By the time I had had 2, I very much wanted a third. Why not? The more the merrier. DH refused point blank."

I could not stay in a marriage with someone who treated me that shittily.

Have you thought about what you could do to cultivate your dd and dss relationship? Fwiw I get on best with my oldest db (9 years difference) and I don't see my other closer in age siblings much at all.

In reality a second child may not be easily conceived even if you were both keen. You are quite mature parents and surely thought about what you would do if your dd did turn out to be an only child?

People can change their minds and your OH may change again soon.
Not sure why all the abuse towards this man.

But I agree to put him in charge of contraception.
After all you are pumping hormones into your body for something that you are not even happy about.
If he feels that strongly then he should have the snip.

You have no idea about what would happen with a sibling. Just as likely to be best friends as enemies. I know enough of both.
So I wouldn't let that be the main factor when deciding to have another child.

If he was that adamant he doesn't want another child he would be using condoms. I would if I were a man.
He's not.

Why would he need to wear condoms, his wife has a Mirena coil? That doesn't prove that he secretly wants children

Well, a Mirena isn't 100% effective. If he was completely adamant he would have a vasectomy. Although even that isn't 100% safe.

If he was completely adamant then they should use a near-100% birth control system. Which they are. It doesn't mean that he secretly wants another child just because he isn't going for overkill on the birth control.

Soup, the OP is on long acting contraception, I don't think we can conclude anything about how adamant DH is.

I'm not saying he secretly wants another child but he isn't using any contraception at all. If he absolutely doesn't want another child, he needs to take responsibility.

X post Eccles, who put it better.

If he was completely adamant then they should use a near-100% birth control system.

No. If he was completely adamant he should take control of his fertility.

I am not commenting on whether he wants another or not but if he is adamant he needs to sort it out.

OP, I think the most likely thing if you say you are not taking responsibility for contraception any more is that your DH will get a vasectomy. If so, what will you do then?

He has done a bait and switch, you agreed 2 at marriage and now he has reneged but only after you were already pregnant. all bets are off IMO, do what you want.

Dh and I have had discussions recently about numbers of children. We have two and have been trying for another but having miscarriages. I am the one who very much wants three, while he wanted two, would love and welcome more but doesn't feel the need I do. When I've asked him if he's really happy ttc, he's said 'if I wasn't, I'd be making sure it didn't happen' - i.e. using condoms.

I agree with those who say if your dh doesn't want another baby, it should be him taking responsibility for contraception, not you feeling forced to do something (take care of your contraception) that goes against what you want.

I don't think your dh has behaved well at all in this. I do think that two wrongs don't make a right and you shouldn't do anything behind his back. But tell him openly that contraception is his responsibility from now on. If he gets the snip, he gets the snip. You can then consider whether you stay or leave.

It's simple, the choice is your marriage or another child. I think it will be the end of your marriage if you have another child, so you have to think of the consequences for your dd and do you want be a single parent to two dc, with potentially an ex who dislikes you?

I do think though he has treated you terribly. I can't think of another reason for someone to go back on their word, when you are only 14 weeks, than he was lying to you before hand. He had no intention of having two dc, he was just agreeing to placate you.

I am in this boat a bit too. Difference being my wife knew from the very start of our relationship that I would only have one child and I gave her the option of walking away and finding someone else if she wanted more.

We now have one and it seems she has completely forgotten this discussion or at least chosen to ignore it and now makes me out to be the big bad guy. It annoys me to e honest.

I can therefore see why you are annoyed as he agreed to two and has gone back on it.

Tricking him isn't the answer though. If you desperately want another you will have to leave him.

To clarify on the contraception issue - I had the Mirena because it is the safest contraceptive method to use whilst breastfeeding. I am actually having it removed this morning (I've never been crazy about it, and it's started giving me significant discomfort in the last month), I told him so last night so am not being deceitful. I guess it really will be up to him now!

I am appalled that you would even think about tricking him. When I got married we decided we wanted three kids. We stopped at one after a very difficult birth. My husband was happy that it was ultimately up to me, if he had wheedled and begged for another I would have gone right off him! Also I am an only child who has an only child, I have always enjoyed being an only as does my son. My mum is one of ten, she says her siblings are more bother than they are worth.

When getting married we agreed on at least two or three.
As the first took some time to conceive and other factors, I was in two minds when it got to the time of having a second.

Circumstances change, reality after the first born kicks in.
He may well feel more inclined to have a second in the near future.
I wouldn't put pressure on him because of that.
Personally, having a second child as a gamble on him/her being best friends with first born, wouldn't be worth throwing away my marriage if I was happy otherwise.

But aren't people allowed to change their minds?
He may well have intended to have 2 when he said about 2 before the marriage.
How set in stone was the discussion?

x post with Lweji!