Do I "trap" DH into having a 2nd DC? Terrible quandary, please help!

[alikat724]

DH and I fundamentally disagree on whether we should have another child (DD is 18 mo, DH has a 15 yo DS from previous relationship) and I would appreciate thoughts/comments/advice from MNers on whether I should consider taking the decision into my own hands, ceasing contraception and seeing what happens. I am 39, but fell pg very easily (2nd cycle) with DD, and come from a long line of very fecund women, so am fairly certain that I could fall again if I wanted to, but feel it is morally wrong to "trap" a man into having a child he has expressly said he didn't want (mostly because my mother did that with me!). As background, before we got married we agreed we wanted 2 children together but he has since changed his mind - his family is complete as he now has one of each! I feel horribly cheated, never wanted my child to grow up as a lonely youngest (my own situation is similar, lots of older half-brothers-and-sisters but no full siblings close to me) and feel very strongly that her life would be better for having a close, full brother or sister to share it with both when young and into adulthood. My girlfriends are encouraging me, but I also suspect that if I broke his trust and got pregnant again it would result in the end of our marriage, either sooner or later. But I also wonder if our marriage won't end anyway, given how betrayed I feel by him taking such an important thing away from me.... PLEASE HELP!!

How did he react about the coil, OP?

I get the impression OP that you're not really asking if you should trick your husband into having another child but whether you should accept the situation or not.

All your posts suggest the resentment you would feel if you accept the arrangement would probably destroy the marriage.

In a way, you don't have a choice. I'm not sure if you've heard the expression "constructive dismissal" but in effect that's what you're going through.

He's not giving you any choice. He's exercised his choice unilaterally.

If you're going to go for any counselling, it may need to be about whether you can genuinely, happily live with his choice like MillyMolly (although you have the advantage of having a child) or like SouthWest, will be better off apart.

Resentment is such a bitter, poisonous and exhausting emotion. Maybe think about a trial separation and see how you both feel living by your respective principles, one of you may decide that their principle is more flexible than the other and be willing to bend. But try and do it amicably and constructively.

Because one of you needs to relinquish your position for things to work. And the one who can, will be able to determine the outcome for the other and your DD.

And if neither of you can take that step, then it's not meant to be.

Just make sure this battle isn't one about egos and that your upset isn't from a sense of injustice. People do change their minds. He might still change his or you might change yours. Nothing is ever written in stone except death and taxes!

FYI in case of interest:

www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2010/nov/14/only-children-happier-competition-bullying

He's not giving you any choice. He's exercised his choice unilaterally.

What if he wanted to have more children and the OP didn't?
She would be exercising her choice unilaterally and we'd all be supporting her.

so you are going ahead ? What a surprise. I predict you will be pregnant within a few months. I hope its worth it. I hope you will be satisfied when you have your longed for child and your DD's family is smashed up, your DH has a second divorce and limited access to the DD he wanted and your stepson is forced to endure another broken family.

Sheesh. Ive seen some selfish things here, but you really really take the prize. How can you live with yourself ?

Have you thought about the possible consequences of putting him in charge of contraception, op? What if he decides on a vasectomy?
It's the logical solution for a man who definitely doesn't want any more kids...

lemon, the OP is NOT going ahead, as in deceiving her OH.
She's passing the responsibility onto him.

Alikat, you have told him that you are not taking the pill or anything, I presume. ;)

'I think, as suggested in several posts, that my best course of action is to cease contraception and tell him that it is his responsibility from thereon out.'

That's very manipulative, isn't it?

There's no solid reason why your child needs a full sibling; as others have said, there are other ways of surrounding yourself with people. And siblings are not necessarily each others' 'best friends', and to go ahead with a baby that may break up a marriage on that assumption would be a flimsy reason and, IMO, foolhardy.

I think the whole thread is really about the op.
She wants a child, she is going to try and get one.
Whatever the consequences to anybody else, including her existing DD.

If she does have the next child, I dont think that child is going to thank her either.

But I dont think that will bother the op.

Because she has got what she wanted.

I missed that post too Lweji.
I will have to go back and find it.

I can relate to this as my dsis is in exactly the same position. However, her dd does have 3 cousins on one side (my kids) and 3+ on the other side. My dsis makes every effort to keep up with them, and since we are very close and I have 1 dd, we try and encourage them as 'sister cousins'.

For me (apologies that I have not read whole thread), the big issues are:

• She has no cousins. Family does make a difference. Friends move. Family may move, but you will always make an effort to keep in touch/ see each other at least at 'events' and hopefully more.
• You have experienced this and don't want it for your dd

I think the fact dh has 'one of each' is a complete red herring. This is not about what either of you want or need, but what you decide is best for your child. My dsis in the end decided that a second would be very hard on her dh and put stress on their marriage, which would negatively impact their dd.

Hope your dh can get some resolution on this, as to what would be best for his dd not himself. What is his reason for not wanting more?

ok.sorry op.
Having read that post now, I think you still have the problem of large resentment.
I asked upthread about hwo set in stone the original discussion was. As I think that has a bearing on how your DH has been behaving.

TVtonight, maybe manipulative isn't the right word, but surely she's basically giving him an ultimatum?

'She has no cousins. Family does make a difference. Friends move. Family may move, but you will always make an effort to keep in touch/ see each other at least at 'events' and hopefully more.'

This isn't necessarily true. Some of my family and I don't make an effort to keep in touch and I don't think that's very unusual. And it's just as possible to keep in touch with friends if you or they move.

Merry, this child HAS a sibling, although half sibling and older. It's not as if she'll be all alone in the world.

I am one of three, we are friends and fairly close, with 5 children between us.
But we all have our own lives and circle of friends and don't live in each other's pockets.

In my view, siblings are mostly needed when parents are twats, as the children then get mutual support. ;-)

What a selfish bastard I'd trick him then leave him or he'll probably leave you when he finds out but at least you will have your 2 babies And maybe that's more important than him. Big decision Good luck

FWIW, every only child I have ever met has wished they had siblings. I'm sure SOME children wish they didn't have siblings, possibly some adults wish it too. (Mostly this is to do with how they have been brought up, creating resentments between children, or very big families). But I don't think it's unanimous as it is with only children.

Let me be clear: these are adult only children, not kids, who have said this.

You can choose your friends, but you can't choose your family...
There is absolutely no guarantee the siblings would even get on, never mind remain lifelong friends.

Lweji. This sibling is not close. Imo a same-age cousin would be much better.

LadyClarice. Perhaps you had no motivation to keep in touch with your cousins (are you an only child?). I don't really keep in touch with mine either. However, I am very close to my sister. I also see how she really tries to keep our dd's close, and I think it's lovely. Our dd 'cousins' will not have the same relationship as I do with my cousins. It starts young.

And yes, you can keep in touch with friends, but it's much harder, especially if they move when relatively young.

There is absolutely no guarantee the siblings would even get on, never mind remain lifelong friends.

I believe there is a guarantee of that, but it depends on how they are brought up.

Regardless, there is a sibling in the picture, and he could be more supportive than a sibling, or cousin closer in age.

My brother is 5 years younger than me and my Dsis, and has a cousin the same age as him. We used to spend summer holidays in the same place but they never really got to be friends.
DS didn't get that close to his two cousins only 6 months older than him.

I think that if we want a child, we want a child. We shouldn't use our children as an excuse.