Do I "trap" DH into having a 2nd DC? Terrible quandary, please help!

[alikat724]

DH and I fundamentally disagree on whether we should have another child (DD is 18 mo, DH has a 15 yo DS from previous relationship) and I would appreciate thoughts/comments/advice from MNers on whether I should consider taking the decision into my own hands, ceasing contraception and seeing what happens. I am 39, but fell pg very easily (2nd cycle) with DD, and come from a long line of very fecund women, so am fairly certain that I could fall again if I wanted to, but feel it is morally wrong to "trap" a man into having a child he has expressly said he didn't want (mostly because my mother did that with me!). As background, before we got married we agreed we wanted 2 children together but he has since changed his mind - his family is complete as he now has one of each! I feel horribly cheated, never wanted my child to grow up as a lonely youngest (my own situation is similar, lots of older half-brothers-and-sisters but no full siblings close to me) and feel very strongly that her life would be better for having a close, full brother or sister to share it with both when young and into adulthood. My girlfriends are encouraging me, but I also suspect that if I broke his trust and got pregnant again it would result in the end of our marriage, either sooner or later. But I also wonder if our marriage won't end anyway, given how betrayed I feel by him taking such an important thing away from me.... PLEASE HELP!!

ILiketheBreeze Our original agreement to having two was predicated on being able to get pregnant easily/quickly as I had never been before and, at 36/37 I understood that it might not happen easily; I fell pg almost immediately so the secondary discussion that we now ?have time? has come to pass. I have briefly considered the higher risks associated with being almost 40 (Downs, etc), but worrying about that would be somewhat superfluous at this point.

Thank you to those of you who have been so incredibly generous with your own thoughts and experiences throughout the course of this discussion, especially GettingStrong and differentnameforthis, it really has helped me gain insight and clarity. To reassure the ?nays?, for so many I fundamentally could not do something I know to be so morally wrong. Even though I might have contemplated it, it was exactly that ? contemplation, consideration and exploration, to enable a decision ? and the reason I made the original post was that I was SO conflicted by the concept of doing something which went against every moral fibre. The most important reason for this decision is that I could not bring a child into the world who was not wholeheartedly wanted by both of us. differentnameforthis Your experience is horrendous, my [disgusting parasite of] a mother did the same thing with her third pregnancy, trying to abort with gin bath, knitting needles, etc ? and told my half-brother when he was quite young that his resulting mild birth defects of hearing loss and spinal issues requiring leg braces were because of her attempts to ?get rid of him?! He had been put in foster care by the time she told him (I think he was around 12 or 13), so he understandably lost the plot and his abandonment and selfworth issues are extreme. You?re doing much better than he is; at 45 he is a crystal meth/marijuana addict and alcoholic with no life to speak of. Not forgetting that my mother then went on to have THREE MORE CHILDREN with two further different fathers, who all also ended up in foster care. Sisterhood or no, some women are C**TS and should be sterilised at puberty. (I know this is a fairly radical/angry statement but it is not literal and please take it in context!)

Squidgy and Choca very well put ? ?value what you have? and ?suck it up? are two sentiments that I recognise I need to take on board. I have a beautiful DD, a lovely DSS and an amazing DH who is, above all, a committed, involved and loving father (when I met him, it was actually the sexiest thing about him). I didn?t end up having the Mirena out yesterday, as I am advised that I need to wait until 7 days post-sex or a period, but I will have it removed for issues relating to the coil itself, not in an attempt to trap my DH. DH and I discussed this further at length last night and this morning, and the upshot is that DH is more than likely to have a vasectomy. I don?t think he tricked me into having just one, I know him well enough to recognise that he didn?t really compute the enormity of another child until our 12 week scan when our tadpole was live on screen (hence the timing of his decision at 14 weeks). This may seem naive to some, but he?s not a great planner, so I don?t think it was disingenuous, just his nature, to know that he only wanted one more when one more was on the way. He also regrets deeply that his DS didn?t have private education and a more privileged start to life, so his commitment to that for DD is genuine. I love him and want to stay married, so that?s really that. When DD is older (probably 10+) we may well look at fostering, it is something I feel very strongly about but it isn?t an issue for now. My half-brothers? foster care experiences were very mixed, but in some cases they did end up with close bonds with foster siblings, which may be a way forward for DD.

Thank you all again for your support and time taken in posting on this thread!....xx

OP I'm in the same situation and have begun having that discussion in my head recently though i hate myself for it. When it comes down to it, I don't believe deception is right under any circumstances. Furthermore, I understand dh's reasoning. He is now 43, i am 34, he has had 3 children in total and feels that his days of coping with newborns are over. Ds, though gorgeous, much loved and wanted by both of us, has undoubtedly put a strain on our relationship. Dh just feels too old for another baby in the house. And if he feels like that then another baby, especially an 'unplanned' one may well signal the end of our marriage. I love dh more than that and it's in my ds' s best interests to have both parents in his life fill time, every day. To deprive him of a father because I am broody seems shockingly selfish.

Besides all of this, we struggled to conceive ds as I have pcos, so I just feel exceptionally fortunate to have one dc, whom I couldn't love any more than I do.

I am glad you have been able to talk this over with him, and I am sorry that the outcome hasn't been the one you want, alikat.

The ideal family thing is something we have been sold by a combination of the Waltons and John Lewis In reality it rarely exists and in life we grab our happiness and friends where we can

Good for you alikat. It's probably not too surprising that your dh thought it wasn't an issue that was likely to come up as older parents who might well struggle to conceive one child. It sounds as if your childhood was probably very difficult, but you and your dh sound lovely. It would be great if you were able to foster later on, and might (assuming it all worked out well for you of course) help to put some of your demons to bed as it were.

Very very hard to have toxic parents.

And every man whose wife is on mumsnet breathes a sigh of relief... Honestly this is probably every man's worst nightmare and would have probably destroyed your marriage - happy you could work it out!

What a thoughtful and eloquent update. I am glad things are a little clearer and that you have had a chance to talk things through with your DH. You just can't go through life thinking of what might have been. You sound like you have a lovely set up. I agree that the fact that your DH doesn't want another DC is for the right reasons and not because he is selfish.

Best wishes for the future.

I still don't understand his reasoning, what did he mean by the enormity of having a second child? A second child isn't a huge extra financial burden. Has he agreed to fostering in the future or is that just something he said to appease you? Why foster in 10 years, why not now? That would be a wonderful thing to do.

You don't have to put both into private schools, there are lots of ways round it. Is he worried you might one day separate and then would have to pay maintenance?

Sorry OP, I still don't understand his objections. I do understand your motivation, you have been very clea, but I don't understand why he is forcing you into this position.

I do.
As I approached 40 the idea of a screaming baby keeping me awake during the night got worse and worse.
I'd be happy to adopt/foster an older child, but don't feel I could easily (by own choice) deal with a baby in the house.

I don't think people have to have good reasons to have and not to have babies. As with relationships they are allowed to just want or not want.
And they are allowed to change their minds.

If he does get the snip, I'd encourage him to freeze some sperm, just in case, though. :)

If he does get the snip, I'd encourage him to freeze some sperm, just in case, though. So I'm not the only one who thinks he's being a bit vague about it.

Alikat, I was going to post one thing but having seen your update, will temper it a bit.

I was in your position and am now out the other side. A single mum, by choice, whose new partner has been warned that he will have to persuade me to go again...despite me wanting loads all my life. I am wary.

BG: I was only child who nagged parents for sibling. Got one at 10. Marriage fell apart but can honestly say, my sibling is the best thing that ever happened and we are so close, especially as our parents are getting on and we offer different perspectives on their future care, if needed, but we are a team.

I wanted four. Met amazing dad, it attracted me, I admit. He had two already. We agreed on two more.

I waited eight years to have dd while pleading with him and raising his kids with him. He insisted we be married. So we did, we had the house. We were in love. Raising his two. Made sense right? I got pg really fast, he had no interest. But is now a great dad to her.

He was useless during pregnancy. Once born, all options of a second were removed, money issues, you name it, he threw it at me.

I contemplated tricking him, as I had done while we were living together but not married. I couldn't do it either time. It wasn't fair. It really does take two.

It became a huge chasm, one which among with other issues, engulfed us. I tried talking, pleading, counselling etc. For two years.

We were sinking, then I had a mis, not knowing I was pg despite condoms. He was amazing at the time (relief i suspect) but actually, it made me realise that if I wanted more kids, it wasn't with him.

We fell apart. He offered anything to make me stay. Including more kids. He even offered to father another after we broke up, to try and make up for all the shit he had done. Eugh.

My point: he made promises to keep me with him, raising his kids, running the home and then reneged on them, and it was a deal breaker. I hate idea of dd minding me in old age alone. I'm just being honest!

He keeps referring to this, even years after we separated. That if he'd given me what I wanted, we'd still be together. I disagree, I'd be a single mum of two.

I think this runs deeper...the broken promises and lies is what killed us. Not the money, the other issues, the clock ticking. If you can live with one, great, but don't trick him. If not...that's the question. But don't trick him.

My dh had the snip because he didn't want any more children. The clinic didn't give him the third degree, just asked him if he was absolutely sure. He was. The reasons are fairly immaterial in my opinion, does it really matter if it's the initial sleepless nights, the potential financial burden or just not seeing a future with another child in it?

Not really, wonder, it's possible he's quite sure NOW.
But people do change their minds and life sometimes gets in the way.

For example, a friend of mine was a single child, but died in an accident when he was 20 and his parents then went through IVF to have another.