Do I "trap" DH into having a 2nd DC? Terrible quandary, please help!

[alikat724]

DH and I fundamentally disagree on whether we should have another child (DD is 18 mo, DH has a 15 yo DS from previous relationship) and I would appreciate thoughts/comments/advice from MNers on whether I should consider taking the decision into my own hands, ceasing contraception and seeing what happens. I am 39, but fell pg very easily (2nd cycle) with DD, and come from a long line of very fecund women, so am fairly certain that I could fall again if I wanted to, but feel it is morally wrong to "trap" a man into having a child he has expressly said he didn't want (mostly because my mother did that with me!). As background, before we got married we agreed we wanted 2 children together but he has since changed his mind - his family is complete as he now has one of each! I feel horribly cheated, never wanted my child to grow up as a lonely youngest (my own situation is similar, lots of older half-brothers-and-sisters but no full siblings close to me) and feel very strongly that her life would be better for having a close, full brother or sister to share it with both when young and into adulthood. My girlfriends are encouraging me, but I also suspect that if I broke his trust and got pregnant again it would result in the end of our marriage, either sooner or later. But I also wonder if our marriage won't end anyway, given how betrayed I feel by him taking such an important thing away from me.... PLEASE HELP!!

It is crazy to have another child just so that your child (who already has an older step brother) doesn't grow up without siblings.

There is absolutely NO guarantee that your DD would get on with a new sibling, as others have said there are many, many people who have very strained relationships with their siblings.

Why don't you concentrate on making a wider circle of friends, mixing with the community etc etc etc instead of focussing on your own little nuclear family. My child is an 'only' - we have very few relatives but we have lots and lots of friends and people we know who all play an important part in his life.

uh, so then she gets the full sibling for her DD, but DD loses daddy?

Yes- but doesn't the child who is already here deserve some consideration as well? She may prefer to live with a loving father- rather than be the older stepsister with you and another male and anothert half sibling.

don't trick him, it'll break up your relationship in a really ugly way and your younger child will have a crap start to his/her relationship with his/her father. but i would definitely think about moving on, if i were you - he has, as somebody said, basically 'tricked' you, and i think that would be a deal breaker for me.

i really don't understand why you think having a half sibling of a similar age is not going to be as valuable a relationship to your dd as that of a full sibling? her understanding of the depth and importance of that relationship would be guided by yours, surely?

What do you think the sibling dynamic will be between one child wanted by both parents and another wanted by just one?

im not saying its something i would, and she wouldnt lose him at all. just owuldnt live in the house.

its you descion to make, split and have another one or excpet that your dh doesnt want another one.

becasue tricking him isnt fair on any one, esspiaccly the child.

Doctrine - while he may be a pr**k in many ways, he has great genes! Sorry - that's somewhat flippant, but that's kinda why we were attracted to each other in the first place; he has many, MANY good qualities that I value and love. But on this matter he is being very, very selfish. Nobody is perfect, of course, but this is such a huge thing and the ramifications of his selfishness are that it will likely end our marriage either way. In some of the worst moments I feel like my choice is whether or not to be a single parent to one or two children; for myself, one would obviously be easier, but for my DD, I want there to be two.

It isnt frying pan or fire.
ok, yes it would probably be nicer for dd to have a full sibling, but that is hardly a frying pan situation is it?

I am wondering whether the situation is much more about your own desire to have another child[and yes, of course you are very much allowed to want one]

sorry thought the op i was responding to was the OP ..

I think you will end up doing it anyway regardless what anyone on here or in RL says, you wouldn't ask as you surely know everyone will say you can't trap a man into having more children.. But you don't need to think about your own needs so only you can make the decision!

Do* stooooopid phone

Tell him if he ever wants to have sex with you again, it will be in order to conceive.

There is a huge number if reasons to back you up, but don't go into them. Let him make the choice. All or nothing.

He changed his mind very unfortunately for you.

But people do change their minds all the time, and sometimes on important issues.

Do you not change your mind sometimes?

i dont think blackmail is a good relationship tool tbh!

I wouldn't want to bring a child into a situation where they weren't wanted. That's extremely unfair to a child and to your DH :(

I would try reasoning with you DH, and tell him you're really keen. If he doesn't want another child, I personally think you have to respect his wishes. I'm sorry.

My advice would be not to give up what you do have for something you don't have. Look after the child you do have, accept that you might not have another and count your blessings.

You are calling your husband 'selfish' while claiming that everyhting you want is predicated on the supposed desires of an 18 month old baby???? What if SHE didn't want a sibling? What if SHE wanted to stay with her father?
And of course, what if you split and he goes for full time residency, or shared residency? She isn't just your child...

i honestly don't know what I'd do, what a rubbish situation for you. like hecsy said though, id be worried about the effective absence of a dad on the dc. I think it might be worth taking your chances with someone new, you do still have time.

What are his reasons for not wanting another baby? Please don't trick him as it will destroy any trust which is likely to make co parenting, either together or apart difficult.

It would be best that you work on removing the obstacles to another child rather than trick him.My friend is in a similar situation, her dh doesn't want additional dc's as he feels its irresponsible due to population growth.That's not an objection that can be handled and her Dh's opinions have hardener as he has become more involved in green issues.

Startlife - his reasons are (a) his age - he is 44 this year, and doesn't want to be an "old dad", and (b) financial - in our current position DD will have private schooling and a fairly privileged upbringing, but that would be impossible with a second. So good tangible reasons. But not insurmountable in my view.

How do you think they could be surmounted?

Age - spend more time on fitness?

Private school - you or he look for higher paying work? Only use private school from age 11

I think your DD would choose to have both parents living happily together with her, than another sibling.

Those do seem like more logical than emotional reasons, IYSWIM - is that how he sees them or is there also a "my family is complete" feeling?

He is already an "old dad". And you an "old mum".

His choice means his daughter will have a 60 something year old dad when she is 20 - fair enough, but a 70 something year old dad when she is 30 and possibly have young children. Still fair enough, if he is healthy.

But she will have no sister or brother to share the burden of elderly parents with. Her children will have no cousins, and no aunts or uncles.

I rather give my child a sibling, than two elderly parents. Because, frankly, it is shit.

I am so glad I have my sister to vent to, and share the burden of my two old folks with.

It looks like you are trying to stop DD being effectively an only child, as you didn't like it, by creating a sibling whose father didn't want it, which again is how it was for you

Which of those two strands of your life made you more unhappy, do you think!