Do I "trap" DH into having a 2nd DC? Terrible quandary, please help!

[alikat724]

DH and I fundamentally disagree on whether we should have another child (DD is 18 mo, DH has a 15 yo DS from previous relationship) and I would appreciate thoughts/comments/advice from MNers on whether I should consider taking the decision into my own hands, ceasing contraception and seeing what happens. I am 39, but fell pg very easily (2nd cycle) with DD, and come from a long line of very fecund women, so am fairly certain that I could fall again if I wanted to, but feel it is morally wrong to "trap" a man into having a child he has expressly said he didn't want (mostly because my mother did that with me!). As background, before we got married we agreed we wanted 2 children together but he has since changed his mind - his family is complete as he now has one of each! I feel horribly cheated, never wanted my child to grow up as a lonely youngest (my own situation is similar, lots of older half-brothers-and-sisters but no full siblings close to me) and feel very strongly that her life would be better for having a close, full brother or sister to share it with both when young and into adulthood. My girlfriends are encouraging me, but I also suspect that if I broke his trust and got pregnant again it would result in the end of our marriage, either sooner or later. But I also wonder if our marriage won't end anyway, given how betrayed I feel by him taking such an important thing away from me.... PLEASE HELP!!

As you say, gettingeasiernow, I also think it happens a lot, for something so morally reprehensible. My mother did it several times over to 3 different men, my SIL has done it, even my (male) boss (OK this may have been a flippancy, but this from a guy!), when we were discussing whether a second was on the cards, suggested that I "surprise him" (meaning DH, not my boss!). CloudsAndTrees I see your point, that I may be coming across as selfish; I think we both have some selfish reasons for our position, but they are secondary to the reasons stated above.

I think, as suggested in several posts, that my best course of action is to cease contraception and tell him that it is his responsibility from thereon out. I don't know that I could ever actually go through with tricking him into another baby, even though in my dark moments part of me feels he probably deserves it for being such a twunt (fantastic word, MNers!). It would be entirely unfair on the new baby, if one was to eventuate from such deception, to bring it into the world unwanted by his/her father. But I want to scream with anger/sadness that that is the outcome.

I think if you're going to let him know contraception is now his responsibility, you should be very explicit that you are doing this because if he slips up, you want and intend to keep any baby.

If you paint it as more of a 'I'm tired of sorting it out, it's your turn now' thing I'd see that as quite deceptive. You should give him the full picture.

My second baby was something of a surprise - to me as well as ex-H - but he behaved as though I had betrayed him, refused to accept it and the marriage fell part thereafter...ended up with two small ones on my own. I am so glad I got the second baby - the marriage would have disintegrated in time anyway (a good bloke would never have responded that way) and my DC1 got a sibling. Their relationship has been so important to each other - they are best friends and worst enemies and given they have to split their time between two houses/parents they are each other's only constant in life and for that reason they are very very close.

I just wanted to add a couple of thoughts... I do not have children and have been with my husband for 9 years. Four years ago, my husband said he did not want, and never would want children, so I understand some of the thoughts going through your head. After many discussions, and some heated rows, it became clear that he was not going to change his mind (we HAD discussed things soon after we met, and husband said he would like kids one day). So, like you, I also felt 'cheated' out of our original 'deal'.

I then had to decide which I wanted more: the chance of becoming a mother or marriage to a man I love. I chose my marriage and have never regretted that decision. It took me a while, but I love my life and am very happy.

I am not saying that things will work out so well for you, as it seems that you are struggling to move forward. But I do feel very strongly that no one should be tricked into parenthood. It is not fair on anybody and I believe it is unforgiveable.

A couple of our friends were in a very similar situation, but the husband wanted a second child, and the wife didn't want it at all. Anyway after lots of discussions/ rows/ nagging she eventually gave in and her little boy now has a baby brother. She is a lovely perrson and tries to hide things, but i think it shows in subtle ways that she just didnt want a second child, and it is clear that she does not really enjoy motherhood anymore. What an awful price to pay, and that child will probably pick up on some of these signs when he is older.

Incidentally, my mother (due to mental health problems) made it clear every day of our lives that we weren't wanted and I know the longterm pain that this sort of rejection as a child can have on somebody. i still struggle with confidence and relationship issues and I am 35.

Funnily enough there is a big age gap between me and my siblings (I am the oldest) and there is only two years age gap between my brother and sister. They both get along well with me, but spent much time as children squabbling and not getting along, and even now only really tolerate each other. There is no strong bond between them whatsoever.

You have no guarantees and there are several assumptions in what you think life will be like if you have a second child. You could just end up a single parent, with your child resenting you, and even if you have a second child you may find that they just don't get along. Maybe in years to come your child will wish that her parents were happily married and she was an only child!

I have some sympathy for the OP here. My DP has made it clear since he met me that he wants children. Doesn't mind how many as long as it is not an only as he comes from a family with lots of onlys, and they think this is the root of all of their problems.

I may not agree that being an only is such a negative thing, but in being in a relationship with DP (and esssentially tieing him to me), I have acknowledged that in the case of me changing my mind about "not having an only child" that that would be massively hurtful of me, and short of serious (ie medical reason) actually quite selfish too.

You mustn't trick him, but at the same time, accidents do happen. What would he do in case of an accident do you think?

What would he do in case of an accident do you think?

I don't know. Leave, possibly. Then come back, then probably leave again - it would end us, over a short or long period of time. My fear is that my resentment/anger/sense of betrayal will end us anyway. I know I have control over this to a certain degree, but it is fundamentally unjust. Marriage is most certainly often about compromise, but a compromise as huge as this definitely wasn't in the fine print.

Again I find myself back at this rock:hard place.

TVTonight I have a Mirena coil. Very low maintenance, and virtually impossible for there to be an "accident"!

If a woman posted on here says she'd had a shit birth experience after DC1, they weren't sleeping, wasn't sure she could cope with another, but had agreed 2 with her DH I suspect most people would be sympathetic. Why is it not fair for her DH to be in the same space? Maybe he forgot what it's like to have babies.

I come from this position. Neither DP nor I want children. DP leans towards them more (but if he expects to take his father's role I can see why because kids are piss easy for the men of that family), I lean more towards no (but not a definite no, a very likely no). We are getting married & I have been damned sure to check we are still broadly on the same page (I'm not old - early 30s - but not getting any younger).

Anyway, I can totally understand how these things become a dealbreaker, but I don't really think your DP has deviated as badly as others think. My own DM has a half-brother 15 yrs older than her and even now their all in the twilight, as it were, he is enormously protective of her and theirs have a fantastic relationship. Her full brother, born 13 months earlier, not so much.

Wow, such a tough choice. In terms of changing minds, I can certainly empathise with that although the other way around - having been in the position of being definite I didn't want children to being floored by the strength of feeling in terms of suddenly wanting a child when I met my first DH.

You mention earlier in the thread something about the temptation - was it a 'wicked question' you called it? I wondered if a little reversal could help you empathise with your DH's position? I mean, if you were the one saying you didn't want a child, and he decided/contemplated putting a hole in your diaphragm or condoms - how would you feel about him? Or even if he said - 'I refuse to take precautions because you want something different to me and that is fundamentally unjust'.

I also thought that before you make any huge decisions that might break up your child's family, you might consider counselling/therapy to explore your issues around family/being an only child/DD being an only child. I dunno, just thought it might help.

And it isn't fair (on you, I mean, OP), but I can't help thinking of a very dear friend who can't have children - has gone through IVF etc - a totally wonderful person with an equally wonderful DH. they would make great parents. That's fundamentally unjust.

i think youre thinking along the right lines, its important to have siblings and yes they may not be close but ... they might be! I would be absolutely furious if my dh went against an agreement we had before marriage. Its incredibly selfish. I hope you find a god resolution to this, though getting pregnant without his consent isnt the answer. best of luck

The OP's OH hasn't had a shit birth experience PoseyNarker . He's just conned the OP and I doubt the relationship will survive that whatever the OP decides, because he is a twat for doing it.

Do I "trap" DH into having a 2nd DC?

No, you bloody don't. I'm struggling to work out what the quandary is.

When I wanted a possible third child my h then said he would leave me if I fell pregnant.

We didn't go onto to have said third child but you know what four years on down the line he left anyway...

mmmmm. Tough decision. I would personally just come off contraception, but tell him I had and why. I was an only child, very lonely and now pretty much devoid of family except my children. I had 2 close together for that very reason and then a whoops.... BTW 3 is plenty!

Just a thought OP. I am a half-sister to two sisters who are full siblings with each other, and close to each other in age.

They do not get on at all, are like chalk and cheese and I am the "middleman" who gets on with both.

One of them I am very close to - she is my best pal as well as my sister and we make a lot of effort to see each other. I never feel that we are half siblings at all!

Good luck with your dilemma.

My XDP and I were in this exact situation. I had been very clear with him from the start of our relationship that I wanted a large family (I am eldest of 5 and have always wanted lots of children). he had always passively agreed and seemed happy to go along with this.

Our DD was an accident but I was very happy, he seemed so too. Then when I started talking about maybe having more together he point blank refused to discuss it, basically said he didn't want more than one child, had never wanted more than one etc etc. He claimed he had never 'agreed' with me when I'd said I wanted a large family, he also claimed he didn't know I wanted a large family.

I shed 100s of tears, we talked, I tried to reason, we argued and shouted, everything. In the end it drove us apart. He stopped having sex with me pretty much as soon as DD was born I think because he didn't want me to get caught again.

It totally broke my heart, I was desperate for a loving happy family. But DD and I are so much happier now just the two of us. It is great and the pain of maybe not having more children has eased a lot. I have never forgiven DP for how he was over this issue and I do feel he wanted me to believe he wanted a family, when he never did.

For me, I could never had stayed with him, wanting more children and him saying no. I could never have forgiven him. Being on my own means I feel the decision is more in my hands and I feel empowered. DD has not suffered, in fact she suffered more from the endless rows that we had. Now she has two happy parents who get along with each other. I hope she may have a sibling one day but there are plents of benefits to being an only as well as downsides, and I try to focus on these and make them happen for her.

I hope you are able to find a place where you feel happy. Wanting children/more children and not having them is very painful. [hugs]

I do feel for you OP. I remember vividly the intense feelings that I had when I wanted a second DC. Luckily DP agreed but unfortunately it didn't happen so we only have 1 (gorgeous Dd). I am more than happy with that situation now, we have a really happy, relaxed, comfortable family life but at the time I had similar feelings to yours about having an only child.

My brother was in the situation your DH is in now (although he already had 2 Dss from his first marriage). He felt as you do though, well to be fair he was a little worried about how he would manage with 4 DCs in total but decided it was the right thing to do for his new Dd and his wife. They had another Dd and all is well.

That's probably not that helpful, sorry. If your DH will not be moved on the subject I guess you will have to decide whether you can live with that or not. Personally I wouldn't advise "tricking him into it" no matter how tempting that might be.

x post with southwest who put it so beautifully.

Your reasons for wanting another dc are just as valid as his reasons for not wanting another dc. Why do you deserve to trick him into another pregnancy to fulfill your unmet needs as a child? You have your own issues you need to deal with, they cannot be dealt with by trying to create a 'perfect' family for your DD. Your DD is not you.
I can totally sympathise with your desperation to have another dc but you really sound as if you have too many of your own issues which need dealing with first.

Too many comments to read at this time of night, but thought I should mention my friend's solution -put him in charge of the contraception! After all we use it to prevent us getting pregnant & that is not what you want. So if he wishes to prevent you getting pregnant, then let him take over the job of preventing it. Totally honest & my friend's other half lasted 3 months before getting bored of the buying & wearing of condoms. A decade later, they have two kids & are very happy.

AThing, OP and her DH have been to counselling together, have talked about it a lot etc. it's not an announcement and that's your lot.

I was only 100% sure I wanted more than one child a week or so after DC1 was born so I can see how the reality of a pregnancy, scan photo etc might have crystallised someone's thoughts the other way.

Again, though, if he is a thorough shit using OP deliberately, why have another child with him?

If I put DH in charge of contraception he would have the snip. I refused to let him when he wanted to a few years ago and we had an unplanned pregnancy...

I'm against 'trapping' somebody into having a baby. Imagine if the roles were revered: how would you feel if he 'accidentally' missed a pill and you were forced to take responsibility for something you had clearly said you didn't want? It's harsh, breaks every barrier of trust and is just a generally undesirable thing to do. What if your marriage fails under the stress of another child? I think you should explain to him how important having another baby is to you and see where it goes from thee