Do I "trap" DH into having a 2nd DC? Terrible quandary, please help!

[alikat724]

DH and I fundamentally disagree on whether we should have another child (DD is 18 mo, DH has a 15 yo DS from previous relationship) and I would appreciate thoughts/comments/advice from MNers on whether I should consider taking the decision into my own hands, ceasing contraception and seeing what happens. I am 39, but fell pg very easily (2nd cycle) with DD, and come from a long line of very fecund women, so am fairly certain that I could fall again if I wanted to, but feel it is morally wrong to "trap" a man into having a child he has expressly said he didn't want (mostly because my mother did that with me!). As background, before we got married we agreed we wanted 2 children together but he has since changed his mind - his family is complete as he now has one of each! I feel horribly cheated, never wanted my child to grow up as a lonely youngest (my own situation is similar, lots of older half-brothers-and-sisters but no full siblings close to me) and feel very strongly that her life would be better for having a close, full brother or sister to share it with both when young and into adulthood. My girlfriends are encouraging me, but I also suspect that if I broke his trust and got pregnant again it would result in the end of our marriage, either sooner or later. But I also wonder if our marriage won't end anyway, given how betrayed I feel by him taking such an important thing away from me.... PLEASE HELP!!

If you had known before that he didn't want two children with you, would you have had DD with him?

Husband or another child? that's the choice.

I know what i would choose.

K2togm1 I don't know the answer to this. I honestly don't. I feel so strongly about this that I think the answer pre-pregnancy would actually have been "no". But I love DD so much that the idea that there is a situation in which I wouldn't have had her is unfathomable... Does that make sense?

Twitterqueen please share!!!

It seems fairly obvious to me, looking at it from a purely selfish perspective.

1. You want your child to have a full sibling;

2. You want your child to have 'good' genes from your husband;

3. The lack of another child may be a deal-breaker in any event.

Therefore, logic would dictate that you get pregnant 'by accident' and await the fall out. Worse-case scenario is it breaks up the marriage, but you still have two children. Best case is he sticks around and deals with it.

Children every time
But I have a bastard ex-H and I've forgotten what it's like to have a fulfilling relationship - I don't think I'll ever have one again.

The children however, give me joy day after day after year... and hopefully will continue to do so. even when they're yelling and arguing and DD1 has pinched all the tights and why haven't I got any ham in the fridge?...

'Husband or another child? that's the choice. '

Or you could look at it as putting your daughter through a traumatic divorce, a new baby and possibly new man in her mother's life- only to be telling her 'I did it for you!'.... As was said above, your daughter already has a family- she has no idea of this hypothetical 'Lost Paradise' you are fixated on. Irt's a bloody huge risk to take- you better hope she REALLY loves her sibling

No if you want to stay married.
Never deceive someone into something they have no choice in. It is wrong.

How would you feel if he tricked you by agreeing to stop using contraception but, in reality, he had had a vasectomy?

"only to be telling her 'I did it for you!'"

Perhaps you are the sort of parent who emotionally manipulates their child.

But there is no reason to suppose the OP is.

The child need never know her mother was tricked into motherhood by a liar who used her to "complete" his family, and who presumed that once she was pregnant he had her over a barrel and she could not leave.

If you love someone you should be able to compromise. Not OP but her dh. He did agree to 2 children. He is not being fair to his wife or dd. he is an arse. Sorry.

Wow, AThing, people can change their minds.

Whilst I agree that OP's Dh is being unfair, I don't think it fair to 'trick' him into fatherhood. However it's extremely unreasonable for him to expect you to take responsibility for contraception. Why not tell him that you are going to stop taking the pill and he can then choose what he wants to do about that.

As a conservative estimate, this fucker changed his mind irreversibly within 10 weeks of finding out his wife was pregnant.

About something that was fundamental to their planned future together.

She's been had.

I think it would be totally wrong. My dh is the same. We have a nearly 22 month old son who is the apple of his dads eye.
We always said we'd have 2, but dh is happy with the one, but he does say never say never (next year maybe )
Anyway, my sil came off the pill unbeknown to my BIL (dh brother). It almost broke them because she deceived him, especially something as life changing as having a child. We and the family practically disowned her for a while we were so mad.
They had a long talk, and after that my BIL agreed to start trying. 5 years later, still nothing and nothing wrong with either of them. You could say perhaps it's not happened because she was wrong how she started it all, and maybe she would have gotten pregnant had she just spoke to him years ago.

I'm not saying you won't get pregnant second time around, but sometimes things happen for a reason. In the case, someone was looking out for my dbil who made it clear from the beginning he never wanted children, and still doesn't.

I've not read the rest of the replies btw so apologise if I've missed something!

When you discussed breaking up, it would be on the basis of 50:50 childcare responsibilities. This was presumably in relation to your daughter.
Would he be just as accommodating towards a child he's adamant he doesn't want?

Why do you think your DH is being selfish?

Really think about the answer to that question.

His reasons for not wanting another (as you have stated them) are entirely reasonable and are just as valid as your reasons for having another.

If you look at this objectively, can you see how you are coming across as selfish? You say you are doing this for your dd to have a full sibling, and while that may be partly true, I think you have convinced yourself that another full sibling is fundamental to your dds future happiness, and quite simply, it isn't.

No matter how much you want to believe that you are doing this for your dd, I think you need to acknowledge that the vast majority of this is about what you want. Not about what's best for your family, your dd, dh or your step son, it's what you want. Everyone else is happy.

Do you think your DH is being selfish just because he won't do what you want, and what you think is best for your dd?

What clouds and trees just said. Seriously.

Having another child maybe very very important to you, but you seem to have convinced yourself it is the only option. That none of you can be happy with out it.

Well your husband isnt going to be happy with a baby.

And you simply cannot, MUST NOT, trick someone into getting you pregnant. What a simply vile proposition. I'm shocked you are even considering it.

Your only route, if it will make you so unhappy, is to talk to your DH.

Honestly I think women do this all the time, they just don't admit it as you have done, possibly not even to themselves. I haven't done it myself, but I think many do. I think you just have to brace yourself that it would probably ruin your marriage. Is it worth that to you?

"Whilst I agree that OP's Dh is being unfair, I don't think it fair to 'trick' him into fatherhood. "

This also.

He has been quite terrible to you, to reverse such a massive decision without even entertaining a discussion is terrible, and I would be questioning whether I wanted to continue in the relationship.

But that is no justification for tricking someone into getting you pregnant.

Unless he discovered new information about his real age being different from what he had previously been told, in the 10 weeks between finding out his wife was pregnant and deciding he was too old to be a father, his reasons for not wanting another are completely bogus.

only read thread title...
No, don't, just saying.