Do I "trap" DH into having a 2nd DC? Terrible quandary, please help!

[alikat724]

DH and I fundamentally disagree on whether we should have another child (DD is 18 mo, DH has a 15 yo DS from previous relationship) and I would appreciate thoughts/comments/advice from MNers on whether I should consider taking the decision into my own hands, ceasing contraception and seeing what happens. I am 39, but fell pg very easily (2nd cycle) with DD, and come from a long line of very fecund women, so am fairly certain that I could fall again if I wanted to, but feel it is morally wrong to "trap" a man into having a child he has expressly said he didn't want (mostly because my mother did that with me!). As background, before we got married we agreed we wanted 2 children together but he has since changed his mind - his family is complete as he now has one of each! I feel horribly cheated, never wanted my child to grow up as a lonely youngest (my own situation is similar, lots of older half-brothers-and-sisters but no full siblings close to me) and feel very strongly that her life would be better for having a close, full brother or sister to share it with both when young and into adulthood. My girlfriends are encouraging me, but I also suspect that if I broke his trust and got pregnant again it would result in the end of our marriage, either sooner or later. But I also wonder if our marriage won't end anyway, given how betrayed I feel by him taking such an important thing away from me.... PLEASE HELP!!

We both have well paid careers; I work full time, although with some working-from-home flexibility, and DH has his own business so also has some flexbility which means we manage childcare fairly equally (when we have discussed splitting up, it would always be on the basis of 50:50 childcare responsibilities and no maintenance payable either way). He is a great father and ironically when we met I was much more materialistic than he was! Now, he talks about estate planning and leaving as much as possible to his two DCs, with the option of a third child impacting dramatically on their inheritance. He definitely also feels that his family is complete; e.g. if he another son, his son would feel side-lined by our "now complete" nuclear family. I don't think this would happen, as their relationship is incredibly strong and I always see them as being best friends. And I have considered all the suggestions that DD would resent any sibling that caused her parents to split, and that any new DC would be "unwanted" by his/her father.... To answer an earlier post, I have no contact with my family (all wasteoids of one type or another - pot smokers, criminals, benefits cheats, etc) and nor does DH. So DD will rely upon non-family for her network, and while we are building relationships with friends, neighbours, godparents, etc I still think she needs a full sibling, close in age, as her best chance at "family". I know there are no certainties in life but at the moment I do feel there is a certainty that she is going to be very alone, particularly in later life.

you can't trick him. it WILL be the death of your marriage because you'll be untrustworthy.

i think you have to battle it out and come to an agreement.

I have one ds a sibling is lovely when they are little but no guarantees at all once older. My ds has so many friends and contacts and is always out and busy and we have a full happy life. The sibling thing is over emphasised tbh. It is not the be all and end all. Things happen in life and what you visualise as 'family' may never materialise.

His feeling that DS would be sidelined is just as valid as yours re DD, isn't it?

I think the issues about inheritance etc are a symptom of the fact that the decision is made for him. We had a period of uncertainty whether we would have a third, now we have decided not to, things like making savings for them etc are on that basis. So we might say "oh, we'd have to move house if we had a third" but that's not the reason for our decision, if you like.

Hope that makes sense.

Your DD might marry someone with lots of siblings!

Why is a a child by another man not an option?

Having parented alone for many years, I reckon I had it loads easier with 2 children who played together than my pal who has one child who demands constant attention from her single parent.

I might think different from others, but I think the one parent one child relationship can be very intense, although it might be different if there is 50:50 parenting.

Talk to him, explain yourself gently and acknowledge his feelings about more hassle/another mouth to feed/you gone again?

Then you can tell him you have stopped contraception and it is up to him from now on.

Unless he gets a vasectomy, he won't keep that up for long I doubt

All your point are irrelevant, I'm afraid, as it's very morally wrong.

But your DD has a family - you, DH and her half sibling. I'm sure she loves you all dearly and she would be pretty devastated to see any of you leave.

And ALL couples like to think they'd split childcare and assets 50:50 and everything would be amicable - but it's rarely that simple in reality. Especially when other partners and more half / step children come into the equation (because its unlikely you'll both stay single forever).

I have a younger sister, 3 years younger. We get on well, but we've never been extremely close, and certainly not "someone to walk between worlds" with.

Your daughter has a sibling already. Your husband doesn't want any more children. Resenting it will kill your marriage. Or you can leave. Forcing your husband to have a child is lunatic.

Wellwobbly
Might that not just prompt him to have a vasectomy, reducing any possibility the op might change his mind. My DH had a vasectomy after DD was born when he was about 36.

I agree generally with the dont do its on the thread. He has said no. It is wrong to go against that.

I also think it would be worth the OP consdiering her projection of her life onto her daughter. YOU felt alone, therefore SHE will too. That may not follow.

I have wondered all the way through if you want another child for your own reasons, but you maintain it is for your daughter...

I personally, at this stage, would start living with the idea of splitting up with him, and wondering how I could get a second child elsewhere. If you prefer that option, go for that one.

I do appreciate that it is hard for you, but you are not the only one who can't have they want in life. There are a lot of other people who experience the same. If you can get past that, you might save the marriage and go on to be happy.

I think it also worth noting that you say you were materialistic when you married him, but have now changed. So too has he changed, just on a matter you don't agree with.....

For the record, I am 38 with no children, mostly due to a) wilfully ignoring my better judgment on previous partners and hence having wasted time and b) leaving men and preferring being single to having a baby with the wrong man and then being alone - I have no wider family.

I now have a wonderful partner and the baby question has come up, but we dont know each other well enough to make that decision yet, plus we are not financially ready nor live together. It is all round too soon. Yet I will be 39 in September.

The idea of just going for it (I dont take the pill and have managed my contraception all these years by myself) has never crossed my mind. That is not how my lifelong idea of getting and being pregnant has been. Plus it is a measure of my respect for myself and my integrity that I cannot condone doing that, let alone the respect I have for myself.

The outcome of course could be that I never have a baby. It is hard at times reading the boards about pregnancies, childbirth, babies, smelling their newborn smell, the club of motherhood etc that I may well never join, but so be it. That may be what life has in store for me and I am not so arrogant that I think I get to choose it all as I would ideally have it.

You may be the same xx

Can you live with that? or do you want to openly and honestly tell your husband that you DO want another baby, and you want that more than you want to trick him, or stay with him harbouring resentment, so you are going to cut the ties and sail off in good will and take the chance on meeting another man? That could work....?

It would be very ethically wrong to 'trick' your DH into having another - and almost certainly destroy your marriage anyway. Have you considered the fact that he may end up resenting any second child you unilaterally choose to have if you end up splitting and he has to pay maintenance for? You could end up with two very unequal children who play off against each other as a result. Or he may choose to stay together to avoid paying maintenance and to keep his current lifestyle while treating you and the second child more poorly than your eldest DC. Of course you might leave as a result of this eventually - at a time when you'll have two slightly older children who will probably deal with the split less well.

It's a very, very bad idea i so many ways just don't go there.

IF a second child is so important to you and you don't want the complications of separate fathers, consider sperm donation.

Accidents happen and things often work out well, but nobody should ever plan to bring a child into a relationship that already has problems. It only ever serves to widen the cracks.

Respect I have for him I should say....!!!

I also really think the idea of telling him he has to take care of contraception is also wrong and not fair. If he doesn't want, accept or leave. Don't play games that he has said he doesn't want to play.

This is a fantasy. I have a sibling, close in age. Rarely see him, no support at all.

Just deal with your childhood issues and you marital issues and keep another child out of it.

There are always good reasons to have fewer children but if you have just one reason to want another one, no man should get in the way of that.

You really don't know what will happen in the future. My mother lost 3 children before she died. Planning your estate is all well and good but you can't control fate. He is being naiive and controlling.

I think both of them are projecting, th (he is already a bitter ex) ey have both turned their backs on their own family and want a perfect life for their own. Ironically it resulting in self-destruction. They will only have a future if they both let go a little and stop being so rigid and controlling.

How about you just let him know (once) that as he is the one with the desire NOT to have another, then he will be the one to take responsibility for contraception.

That way you can't be accused of tricking him if anything occurs/fails/isn't used in the heat of the moment.

DH would quite merrily pass on his genes ad infinitum, but we have agreed one more (I have one by a previous relationship and we have one together) and after that, during the section if allowed, I'll have my tubes tied as I'm the one who feels more strongly that it will be enough.

Thank you all so much for your thoughts and sharing your own experiences! I know my own background makes me slightly irrational about the "(l)on(e)ly child" thing, but also recognise that DD is a very happy, social, caring little girl who will have a very different experience of life and many more opportunities to form close bonds than I had. Still not sure what I'm going to do of course. Whilst not taking on board some of the more radical negativity, I am very grateful to have so many different perspectives. LtEveDallas Doctrine and ThreeTomatoes your posts are particularly helpful.

I know there are no certainties in life but at the moment I do feel there is a certainty that she is going to be very alone, particularly in later life.

Sorry, but I think this is you completely projecting, there is no reason to think that a full sib, close in age will do anything to prevent this! As yet another anecdotal report my brother and I did not get on at all growing up, he's turned out to be a great Uncle but lives in another country so is not exactly a big part of my life.

I would settle for what you've got, but accept that having another child is about you, not your daughter, and if you can't get past it do the decent thing, leave your DH and take your chances on finding someone else.

X-post!

It's so tricky! I can't help thinking if only an accident could happen genuinely maybe he'd come round (but how awful for all concerned, especially the baby, if he didn't). The problem is, whichever if your options you see as worth considering, you're up against the clock. I so understand all your reasons for wanting another child and I think it's sad and frustrating that he's changed his mind but I'm afraid for me this comes down to an issue of consent. We all have a right to change our minds and your partner had a right not to be used as a sperm donor without his knowledge. All I can suggest is that if you are pretty sure the writing's on the wall for the relationship anyway then get out quickly and decisively and then as a single mum you do have the choice to try to have a second child using genuinely donated sperm. I agree with previous posters that the issue with sibling closeness is surely much more to do with being close in age and brought up together rather than paternity.