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Original poster

Do I "trap" DH into having a 2nd DC? Terrible quandary, please help!

266 replies

alikat724 · 06/06/2013 12:04

DH and I fundamentally disagree on whether we should have another child (DD is 18 mo, DH has a 15 yo DS from previous relationship) and I would appreciate thoughts/comments/advice from MNers on whether I should consider taking the decision into my own hands, ceasing contraception and seeing what happens. I am 39, but fell pg very easily (2nd cycle) with DD, and come from a long line of very fecund women, so am fairly certain that I could fall again if I wanted to, but feel it is morally wrong to "trap" a man into having a child he has expressly said he didn't want (mostly because my mother did that with me!). As background, before we got married we agreed we wanted 2 children together but he has since changed his mind - his family is complete as he now has one of each! I feel horribly cheated, never wanted my child to grow up as a lonely youngest (my own situation is similar, lots of older half-brothers-and-sisters but no full siblings close to me) and feel very strongly that her life would be better for having a close, full brother or sister to share it with both when young and into adulthood. My girlfriends are encouraging me, but I also suspect that if I broke his trust and got pregnant again it would result in the end of our marriage, either sooner or later. But I also wonder if our marriage won't end anyway, given how betrayed I feel by him taking such an important thing away from me.... PLEASE HELP!!

OP posts:
TheDoctrineOfSnatch · 06/06/2013 12:55

! Should have been ?

Laquila · 06/06/2013 12:56

Just wanted to echo previous posters who've said that having a full sibling is not necessarily the be-all and end-all. I was an only child, and although granted I had plenty of aunts, uncles and cousins, what is more important IMO is that your child/children grow up in a loving, stable environment and it doesn't sound as though you would necessarily have this if you had another child against your husband's wishes, and the two of you then went on to split up.

Also bear in mind that if you do split up, your own children might lose contact with their older half-sibling, who you've already said is great with your child. As you DSS gets older, he will be probably feel more confident having more contact with you and your child, as he gains a bit more independence from his mum.

You said you have lots of older half-siblings - does your child not have contact with them or any of their children? Does she have godparents, or the children of your close friends living nearby? Any elderly neighbours who'd appreciate the company of a surrogate grandchild now and again?

CheesyPoofs · 06/06/2013 12:57

Believe me divorced parents can be utterly shit too.

QuintessentialOldDear · 06/06/2013 12:59

But whats to say the parents are not headed in that direction anyway due to this issue, so another thing OPs dd will be alone in handling.

Laquila · 06/06/2013 13:06

But I still don't think it's wise to have a second child against your husband's wishes partially based on the assumption that you'll probably get divorced anyway, and therefore it would be better to potentially traumatise two kids rather than one!

worsestershiresauce · 06/06/2013 13:09

This is a child we are talking about, not a possession. Forget what YOU want for either yourself or your DD, think about that poor little future baby. The one that may well grow up without a daddy in his/her life, with a sister who when angry may use the line 'if it wasn't for you dad wouldn't have left'. THINK about it. Is that the future you want for you children? I bl**dy hope not. I can't say it would be a good recipe for siblings that are close and life long friends either. My sister has nothing to blame me for, but we've never been close.

Go back to your husband, tell him everything you've told us, and tell him if it is a deal breaker. If it were me I'd probably say that I would be putting the responsibility for contraception in his hands going forward. If he doesn't bother with it he'll be tacitly accepting the situation.

FGS forget this stupid idea of tricking him. Aside from the things I've already said it is very very hard for a relationship to survive a fundamental breech of trust. Believe me I know. Very very hard.

CheesyPoofs · 06/06/2013 13:11

If OP wants to leave DH because of this then that her ultimately her decision, it isn't inevitable.

I know I would choose my small but happy family (lovely DH and one child) over the chance to be a single and probably unhappy mum to 2 possibly unhappy children.

QuintessentialOldDear · 06/06/2013 13:13

Alternatively look at how you can ensure you can afford two children.
Tutoring from the beginning of Y5 with regards to getting into private education from Y7 will perhaps mean it is affordable for both children (This is what we are doing).

Show him you are taking his concerns on board and see how you can get around them.

Do you both work? If you are a sahm, can you look into getting a job? Or retraining/study while your child is still young? There are plenty of mothers starting post graduate study when their children are young, with view to rejoin the workforce better qualified when the children start Reception.

Ilikethebreeze · 06/06/2013 13:16

Elderly parents are not often or always a "burden".

QuintessentialOldDear · 06/06/2013 13:20

No, you are right, some times they are an absolute delight, helpful, and kind, and healthy. I have heard of those! Grin

CheesyPoofs · 06/06/2013 13:21

And siblings can also be a burden, speaking as someone with a severally mentally ill sibling :-(

There's no guarantees in this life is there!

ninani · 06/06/2013 13:22

If he chooses divorce because of you being pregnant it means that your marriage does not have solid foundations and could break anytime regardless of there being a 2nd child. A sibling is so much better that private schools. How materialistic he is! I am sure plenty of women would tell you to have a 2nd child by tricking him but are a bit embarrassed to tell you Blush

QuintessentialOldDear · 06/06/2013 13:23

No totally! I am the best sister my sister could ever hope for. I am lucky I have her, but boy she does my head in. Mixed blessing.

ecclesvet · 06/06/2013 13:26

The fact you're even considering this as an option is frankly disgusting to me. Some people would even consider it rape.

girliefriend · 06/06/2013 13:28

If you are solely responsible for contraception then I don't think it is unreasonable for you to say, 'I want another baby, you knew this when you married me and I am not taking responsibility for preventing it anymore.'

He then has the choice to either take things into his own hands ie use condoms or have a vasectomy or not.

Pootles2010 · 06/06/2013 13:31

Sorry OP I can see this is awful for you, but the fact of the matter is it's wrong to force another person to have a child.

I'm shocked so many of you think it's ok.

whiteandyellowiris · 06/06/2013 13:34

get rid of dh and find someone else

a half sibling is better than an unwanted child

specialsubject · 06/06/2013 13:34

I also think this is disgusting, and your girlfriends are as bad as you.

if you want to end the marriage, do it in an adult fashion so he keeps some respect for you. 'accidentally' getting pregnant will destroy the relationship, as he could never trust you again. And who would blame him?

TBH, if you are even considering this it is no wonder that he doesn't want another kid with you.

I hope you come to your senses.

Bant · 06/06/2013 13:34

I think 'tricking' him is likely to destroy all trust in the relationship and cause it to break down. I would very strongly advise against it.

However, the option someone raised of just saying 'I want another child, you don't, so from now on you are responsible for contraception' could possibly get you another child he doesn't feel 'tricked' about.

It could in itself cause further problems though

EugenesAxe · 06/06/2013 13:35

What NotSoNervous said for me. I don't think this is a wise consideration on your part... I would hate to be in my situation and have no partner to support me (I have DS 3 and DD 1). This could be the reality for you within your marriage, or as a single parent if things got that bad.

morethanmama · 06/06/2013 13:43

QOD has it exactly right. My parents were both around 40 when I was born. They are now both in ill health. The burden (speaking as an only child) is enormous. And the guilt is too. I have 3 under 5, work full time and a father who doesn't think I do enough for him or my mother. I never thought he would turn out like that as he was the most generous man when I was growing up. But illness does funny things to you. Not saying that you have children to look after you in old age but close families do breed a responsibility.

LtEveDallas · 06/06/2013 13:43

I was in this situation to some extent. In the end I 'gave in' and accepted that I wouldn't have another. DD is now 8 and a very happy only child. DH and I are together, DD's family is secure. We have more time, energy and money to spend on DD. I no longer wish for a second child, and if I were to get pregnant tomorrow accidentally, I doubt I would go through with it.

My friend was in exactly the same boat as you when her eldest was 18 months. She ended up blackmailing her DH into a second child "no baby, no sex". Her children are now 8 and 5 and he marriage is dead Sad. He DH never accepted the youngest - he's not cruel to him exactly, but certainly not as loving as he is with the eldest. The children fight all the time and the eldest says things like "I hate you" and "I wish you'd never been born" to the youngest. The DH never intervenes in these fights as he tells my friend "This is what you wanted".

My friend is close to a breakdown, is certainly depressed and on anti-ds. Her marriage is over bar the shouting and her DH has turned into a complete twunt. Oh and has already told her that he will be providing the very mimumum that CSA says he has to, because he never wanted the second child in the first place.

Maybe this would have happened anyway - I was never very keen on him, but they really did seem to be loves young dream. He blames everything - every last little thing on the fact that she forced him to have another child. I think he's a wanker, but sadly a lot of her other friends are muttering and agreeing with him Sad

noddyholder · 06/06/2013 13:50

I have a friend who did this. they are now divorced and he has gone on to have children with someone else! The deception finished them not the child

GettingStrong · 06/06/2013 13:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Pagwatch · 06/06/2013 14:00

It is a dreadful thing to do. A man sticking pins in a condom would be behaving appallingly. This is no better.

A child does not need a sibling.

A sibling does not guarantee reducing any kind of burden - my ds2 will need care all his life.

Speak to him. If he does not agree then you chose to stay or you chose to leave.