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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Been very stupid

295 replies

verystupid · 27/05/2006 11:21

I have changed my name for this post as I am so ashamed of what I have done, but need to talk.
My husband & I have had quite severe relationship problems recently, which have calmed a little in the last couple of months.
Last night I went for a night out with a friend & had a good time, but at the end of the night we couldn't get a cab. My friend & I phoned several taxi firms, but got no joy. While waiting around for a cab, my friend started speaking to a male friend that she knew from school. We started to walk home & this guy walked along with us. He was mainly talking to my friend.
Eventually my friend got through to a taxi firm on her mobile. The cab arrived, but as I was so near my home, this friend of hers said he would walk me to my house as he lived nearby.
I stupidly agreed to this, as the bloke was happily married & had not tried it on with either of us. I know how stupid that was now, but at the time with several drinks in my system & so near to this my home, I stupidly accepted.
I was quite panicked about getting home quickly, as my husband gets very angry if I am late, but I very stupidly did not phone my husband (as I normally would) & explain why I was late getting home.
Anyway, to cut a long story short, this bloke was fine. He didn't try & chat me up or anything, but seemed concerned that I was panicking so much about my husband getting angry. I explained that he had a temper & this guy gave me a bit of a "you only live once & get out if you are unhappy" talk.
I saw a car drive through our estate & had a feeling it was H, just before reaching my house.
When I got in it was around 3.30am & the upstairs light was on.
H quizzed me about where I had been & I told him I could not get a cab & had walked home with my friend.( which I had done, except for the last little bit of my walk) He called me a lyer & said our marraige was over as he had seen me with this bloke & knows I discussed our relationship, as he drove out looking for me. I told him the full story of how this bloke was a happily married friend of my friend, who was not trying to crack on to me & that the reason he was saying get out if you are not happy, was because I seemed afraid of my H's response to me being late home.
This guy gave me a little peck on the cheek before leaving me & H saw this too.
He has gone berserk at me (which I know I deserve) & told me our marraige is over. Our marraige has been hanging on a very fine thread for a long time now, but things seemed to be improving a little.
I am so very ashamed with myself. He is at work all day today & I feel so bad that I can barely function for my children. I just keep crying & DS1 keeps asking why I am sad.
I know I should have phoned H & can't believe I didn't. I was afraid of waking him because I knew he had work early today, which I know now was very wrong. I also know that it was very wrong to let this guy walk me to my house, but it was all very innocent.
I have tried phoning H on his mobile, but he doesn't have it switched on.
I feel so terrible. I just don't know what to do with myself.

OP posts:
misdee · 27/05/2006 11:24

you are not strupid. the riend of a friend is right, you need to sort this out. you didnt do anything wrong.

fuzzywuzzy · 27/05/2006 11:27

Why are you stupid. You walked home with a friend, you talked and ermm that was it. I walk and talk with friends all the time male and female. My husband wouldn't even consider begning divorce proceedings over such a thing, if he did our marriage would have lasted five minutes...if that.

What exactly is your husband trying to cover up, why is he trying to make out you are in the wrong when in point of fact he is the one with problem.

Twiglett · 27/05/2006 11:29

you really need to sort this out

I'm sorry from your post your husband sounds like an abusive bully .. no woman should live in this kind of fear

Taking on the responsibility for him behaving like this is out of whack .. and proof, IMO, that you are in an abusive relationship

gothicmama · 27/05/2006 11:31

stay strong youhave done nothing wrong - if youhad phoned he would possible have used that to have a go at you.

JonesTheSteam · 27/05/2006 11:31

Don't think you were stupid, think your husband is overreacting.

And I know it's not helpful, but where were your children when your husband was driving round the estate looking for you?

Were they being looked after by someone else, or in the car with him?

SenoraPostrophe · 27/05/2006 11:32
Shock

I nearly didn't read this because I thought someone with that name would have really done something stupid.

can't stop though , but you're not very stupid, he is very unreasonable.

how did he manage to hear what you were saying from the car?

Original poster
verystupid · 27/05/2006 11:33

He told me that I was not to dare to turn this around & make out I was not in the wrong, as I was. I know & accept that, but feel a little uncomfortable that he heard so much of the conversation between this guy & myself. He must have been spying on me quite intensly.
He has been unfaithful to me in the past & I forgave him. I have not been unfaithful to him.

OP posts:
sallystrawberry · 27/05/2006 11:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

gothicmama · 27/05/2006 11:34

why were you in the wrong he is being very controlling /abusive by saying /doing what he has

unicorn · 27/05/2006 11:35

bit curious - did he leave your ds1 when he went driving round the estate?
How did he hear what you were saying to the man?

Twiglett · 27/05/2006 11:36

"He told me that I was not to dare to turn this around & make out I was not in the wrong, as I was."

fuck him ... he's an arse

why are you letting him do this to you?

Freckle · 27/05/2006 11:39

Sorry, but you are being stupid if you allow your controlling dh to make out that you did something so awful that it means the end of your marriage.

He was clearly spying on you from quite close by - I take it you weren't shouting?? In which case, why didn't he reveal himself and ensure you got home safely?

Silly things like talking to another man, forgetting to phone to say you would be late, etc., are just that. Silly. They really shouldn't spell the end of a marriage unless that marriage is already in deep, deep trouble. It sounds to me as though your dh wants to end the marriage and has chosen this incident so that he can say it was all your fault.

He sounds extremely controlling and potentially violent (you said you were afraid of him).

Maybe this is a blessing in disguise and you can get out of a bad marriage.

fuzzywuzzy · 27/05/2006 11:39

I still can't see where you were in the wrong, if the situation were turned around would you be mad at him if he had walked home with a friend and spent the journey in conversation????

FrannyandZooey · 27/05/2006 11:40

I am so sorry you are having such a bad time. You sound very cowed and self-hating. Has this been the pattern through your marriage, that you do something fairly harmless and dh tells you why it was "stupid" and makes you feel terrible about it?

I am sorry to think of any relationship breaking up, especially if you don't want it to, but can't help but think you may well be better off without him :(

Original poster
verystupid · 27/05/2006 11:40

He had left my boys alone in the house while he came out looking for me, which I am very discusted about.
I explained the situation to my Mum & she thinks I am in the wrong too, as my Dad would have gone mad.
My husband can be very controlling. Our marraige problems were all related to his temper.

OP posts:
edam · 27/05/2006 11:42

Your husband is a bully who is trying to control you. The only person who has done anything wrong here is him. Like most bullies, he knows he is in the wrong, so he gets his attack in first, trying to persuade you that you are the guilty party. It's not true.

Does he ever hit you? Because his behaviour sounds like men who do. I think you need to throw him out, tbh. Or at the very least, you need to make it very clear that your relationship cannot continue on these terms.

Original poster
verystupid · 27/05/2006 11:42

I had got a lot stronger with H, but he is very good at making me out to be very much in the wrong.

OP posts:
gothicmama · 27/05/2006 11:43

i would try to leave if i was you (having been in a similar situation#) it can be hard but ther is support out there

Freckle · 27/05/2006 11:43

Well, there's the pattern then. Your dad is clearly a similar sort to your dh. You grew up with your mum as a role model and you are repeating what she probably did. I can't believe that any reasonable man would react as yours did (and as your dad would have).

And it shows his obsession in that he was prepared to leave two young children alone in the house so that he could spy on his wife. He wasn't out looking for you because he was worried for your safety. He simply wanted to know what you were doing and was prepared to put his sons' lives at risk in order to do so.

sallystrawberry · 27/05/2006 11:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

gothicmama · 27/05/2006 11:44

i realisethis may be very hard paritcularily if you feel it is your fault - it's not of course as all these other posts prove

Twiglett · 27/05/2006 11:44

you've been brought up to believe this is normal . because this is how you've seen your parents act

its not normal

its wrong .. its bullying .. and you don't need to put up with it

Original poster
verystupid · 27/05/2006 11:45

No he has never hit me, which is why up until quite recently I did not see his behaviour as abusive. I am now aware that he has been emotionally abusive, but in this case I do see myself as in the wrong.

OP posts:
edam · 27/05/2006 11:45

Excuse me, he left your children alone in the house while he went out looking for a fight? This is mad. Your husband was breaking the law and yet has managed to convince you that somehow he is in the right.

From your mother's reaction, it looks to this outsider as though your parent's relationship is also about control - your father treating your mother as a posession. So maybe that's why you haven't realised that your husband's behaviour is out of order. But you don't have to put up with this. You don't have to live your life the way your parents chose to live theirs. You are a grown woman, who should be treated with respect. You deserve a partner, not an owner.

Freckle · 27/05/2006 11:46

You were not in the wrong. It is his attitude and bullying which is making you see that it is.

You didn't have an affair with this chap. You didn't go off and shag him. You didn't even have a snog, FGS. A gentleman walked you home when you couldn't get a taxi. You talked and he gave you a peck on the cheek.

Please tell me what you think was wrong in that???

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