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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Been very stupid

295 replies

verystupid · 27/05/2006 11:21

I have changed my name for this post as I am so ashamed of what I have done, but need to talk.
My husband & I have had quite severe relationship problems recently, which have calmed a little in the last couple of months.
Last night I went for a night out with a friend & had a good time, but at the end of the night we couldn't get a cab. My friend & I phoned several taxi firms, but got no joy. While waiting around for a cab, my friend started speaking to a male friend that she knew from school. We started to walk home & this guy walked along with us. He was mainly talking to my friend.
Eventually my friend got through to a taxi firm on her mobile. The cab arrived, but as I was so near my home, this friend of hers said he would walk me to my house as he lived nearby.
I stupidly agreed to this, as the bloke was happily married & had not tried it on with either of us. I know how stupid that was now, but at the time with several drinks in my system & so near to this my home, I stupidly accepted.
I was quite panicked about getting home quickly, as my husband gets very angry if I am late, but I very stupidly did not phone my husband (as I normally would) & explain why I was late getting home.
Anyway, to cut a long story short, this bloke was fine. He didn't try & chat me up or anything, but seemed concerned that I was panicking so much about my husband getting angry. I explained that he had a temper & this guy gave me a bit of a "you only live once & get out if you are unhappy" talk.
I saw a car drive through our estate & had a feeling it was H, just before reaching my house.
When I got in it was around 3.30am & the upstairs light was on.
H quizzed me about where I had been & I told him I could not get a cab & had walked home with my friend.( which I had done, except for the last little bit of my walk) He called me a lyer & said our marraige was over as he had seen me with this bloke & knows I discussed our relationship, as he drove out looking for me. I told him the full story of how this bloke was a happily married friend of my friend, who was not trying to crack on to me & that the reason he was saying get out if you are not happy, was because I seemed afraid of my H's response to me being late home.
This guy gave me a little peck on the cheek before leaving me & H saw this too.
He has gone berserk at me (which I know I deserve) & told me our marraige is over. Our marraige has been hanging on a very fine thread for a long time now, but things seemed to be improving a little.
I am so very ashamed with myself. He is at work all day today & I feel so bad that I can barely function for my children. I just keep crying & DS1 keeps asking why I am sad.
I know I should have phoned H & can't believe I didn't. I was afraid of waking him because I knew he had work early today, which I know now was very wrong. I also know that it was very wrong to let this guy walk me to my house, but it was all very innocent.
I have tried phoning H on his mobile, but he doesn't have it switched on.
I feel so terrible. I just don't know what to do with myself.

OP posts:
Original poster
verystupid · 27/05/2006 19:10

His car is pulling up now.

OP posts:
sallystrawberry · 27/05/2006 19:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LadySherlockofLGJ · 27/05/2006 19:12

Stand up.

Bum in, boobs out,chin up, walk tall, walk proud.

You have come so far, do not lose it now. You are worth ten of him.

tribpot · 27/05/2006 19:55

Best of luck verystupid.

I'm not surprised your parents only wanted girls, far less likely to stand up to your dad's bullying ways than a boy would have been. You seem to have had your esteem trampled on since you were a child, it's no wonder you ended up with a man who would reinforce your sense of worthlessness. (And the fact you turn to your mum for help even though she invariably sides with your H).

You have come so far, and have fought incredible demons just to get to where you are now. Don't lose sight of what you have accomplished; your H does not own you, never has and never will.

Take care and let us know how things go, if you can.

JonesTheSteam · 27/05/2006 19:56

Best of luck, honey.

JTS xxxxx

jofeb04 · 27/05/2006 20:29

Just seen this, and all I will say is you are not stupid. You are brave. Good luck tonight, and whatever happens, think of yourself and your children.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 27/05/2006 20:32

I can only echo the excellent advice given here.

We learn about relationships from our parents and they are our primary influence. Your parents own unhealthy relationship has replicated itself in your own and subconsciously you have picked a man just like your Dad.

Controlling is all about power - power over their victim.

You can break free of this emotional abuse if you truly want to. Your children will certainly not benefit if you continue to stay in such a poisoned atmosphere.

Would also suggest you read, "Why does he do that" written by Lundy Bancroft.

fattiemumma · 27/05/2006 23:08

sorry hun but he is a couple of arguments away from hitting you. i know it sounds a bit OTT but that is honestly my opinion of the situation.

you did nothig wrong. he however left children alone in the house, followed you, listened in to a private conversation and has since been behaving like the abusive controlling arse hole that he is.

i really do think you need to consult someone like womens aid as they can help you in your move away from your husband and also offer advice regarding his threat to sell the house. from your posts ( though admitedly i have only skimmed) it is clear that he has been continually controling and has managed to lower your self esteem so much that you actually believe that this is your fault!

please please please speak to someone about ythis and get out.

bourneville · 27/05/2006 23:42

I too twigged who you were. :( I had assumed you were making steps to leave him from the last posts i saw from you, i really hope you do now.

I am so shocked by your mother's attitude. My mum is the opposite, there is no way she would tolerate behaviour like that from a man either towards her or towards her daughters. I think you should stop speaking to her about the situations that arise between you & your H because by the sound of it she will only confirm the things H makes you feel.

I hope all is calm now. x

Original poster
verystupid · 28/05/2006 08:06

Couldn't get on again last night. Can't post much atm, but wanted to let you know I am ok.

OP posts:
Original poster
verystupid · 28/05/2006 08:42

House is going up for sale.

OP posts:
bourneville · 28/05/2006 08:43

i'm here verystupid, glad you're ok.
Is the house for sale genuine this time then?

BudaBabe · 28/05/2006 08:43

Who is putting house up for sale?

Freckle · 28/05/2006 08:44

He can't force a sale of the house without a court order if you don't agree to it.

I suggest you make an appointment to see a family solicitor as soon as possible next week.

Original poster
verystupid · 28/05/2006 08:47

He phoned the agents yesterday apparantly.

OP posts:
Freckle · 28/05/2006 08:48

That doesn't mean anything. He may or may not have contacted them, but, as you say the house is in joint names, he can't agree to a sale without your consent.

sallystrawberry · 28/05/2006 09:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Blu · 28/05/2006 10:43

Hey you - have just seen this.
Have you still got my home phone number? call me, and if dp answers or it's answerphone, leave your number and a time when I can call safely, it will be ok. XXXXXXXXXX

vitomum · 28/05/2006 11:32

Hope you are OK VS. Please try and work out what course of action YOU want to take and focus on making that happen. Please do not get sucked into all his suggesstions and dramas and toing and froing with the house as i doubt he is revealing his true intentions. He will create dramas to distract and confuse you. As i said befire i doubt that he really wants out of this relationship. Don't let him dictate the machanics of speration. Stay focused on what you want. take care.

Blu · 28/05/2006 14:12

Have e mailed you - but a bit worried in case your privacy has been compromised.

Have been on a little trip and found my anger mounting...how DARE your mother feel sorry for a man who left her grandchildren alone in the middle of the night? She is mad, and imo, emotionally abusive.
tbh, I think the chances of a burglar/fire/thunderbolt through the roof were negligible, but the chance of one of them waking (esp with door closing and oening etc) were quite high..can you imagine the terror in their little hearts had the found themselves alone in the night!!

And I think this jealousy over a man walking you home is pathetic. Are you and other women on this thread really living with men for whom ownership over you is more important to them than your safety?

I honestly think you should tell your HV about him leaving the kids in the night. Things could get v tricky - he's well capable of doing anything to get everyone on his side. Please tell her.
XXXXXXXX

Original poster
verystupid · 28/05/2006 15:08

My mail is still private, Blu.
I have your number at the back of my phone book, but it is coded & I can't remember which is yours & which is dinosaurs!
Will post properly later when I get a chance. Haven't yet checked my mail, but will mail you my mobile no.

OP posts:
verystupidsfriend · 28/05/2006 15:48

glad to see good advice still pouring in! been on msn to see if you about? need to fill me in with what has gone on in last 12 hrs is dh at work today???

Tortington · 28/05/2006 16:34

just read the thread. nothing else of a constructive nature to add but to affirm that you were innocent.

if there was any reason for not walking home with this fella that you didn't know its for safety reasons. - you didn't know him your friend did. as it happens all was ok. now if you ad said that your dh was pissed for that reason i could understand.

but he didn't there is the accusations and the obvious possessiveness.

he sounds like a supertwat and i think you need to start becomming more proactive - this will shock him.

make lists of things ou will need to do.

look up what benefits you will be entitled to
work out what child support you would expect from him
are you going to buy a new house with your share from the house sale?
if the house even in your name?
have you been to a solicitor. you should - and you should tell your dh where you have been if he asks.

if it were me - i wouldnt speak to him unless he spoke to me. i would avoid contact at all possible.

you really need to work out your finances now and see where your going to be at. its better to be fully abreast of the facts than to bury your head in the sand and hope it doesn't happen.

what is his control over you?

does he think your weak
that you cannot be financially sustainable
that you can't cope with the kids

do you want to be 60 with this man? when you retire do you want long periods of time with him?

trust is essential within a relationship. it is lies that eat away at its foundation. any man could walk me home at 3am and my husband wouldnt be upset - unless for safety reasons. becuase he trusts me implicity.

you really deserve better than this treatment. be proactive - find out the facts about being seperated. what money you will be entitled to, where you will live. this is essential for your children. so its your absolute duty to make sure this happens.

i think your dh will be very surprised when you start arming yourself with information.

i think he will be worried that your taking it alltoo well.

you see marriage ( or long term relationships) are like a balancing scale. you each should want each other to balance the other out.

my dh knows i could cope without him.

i know he would do perfectly fine without me.

we stay together because we want to.

Original poster
verystupid · 28/05/2006 19:21

Can't post much, as H is upstairs.
Will make appt to see a solicitor. Haven't spoken much to him today & still feeling churned up. Will let house be put on the market, hate it here.
Blu, I am scared of what SS would do if I told HV that H left children in house.

OP posts:
gothicmama · 28/05/2006 19:28

not sure whatthey would do but if youare leaving may help your case later if reported he left them not you you weren't to know he would do this big hug