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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Been very stupid

295 replies

verystupid · 27/05/2006 11:21

I have changed my name for this post as I am so ashamed of what I have done, but need to talk.
My husband & I have had quite severe relationship problems recently, which have calmed a little in the last couple of months.
Last night I went for a night out with a friend & had a good time, but at the end of the night we couldn't get a cab. My friend & I phoned several taxi firms, but got no joy. While waiting around for a cab, my friend started speaking to a male friend that she knew from school. We started to walk home & this guy walked along with us. He was mainly talking to my friend.
Eventually my friend got through to a taxi firm on her mobile. The cab arrived, but as I was so near my home, this friend of hers said he would walk me to my house as he lived nearby.
I stupidly agreed to this, as the bloke was happily married & had not tried it on with either of us. I know how stupid that was now, but at the time with several drinks in my system & so near to this my home, I stupidly accepted.
I was quite panicked about getting home quickly, as my husband gets very angry if I am late, but I very stupidly did not phone my husband (as I normally would) & explain why I was late getting home.
Anyway, to cut a long story short, this bloke was fine. He didn't try & chat me up or anything, but seemed concerned that I was panicking so much about my husband getting angry. I explained that he had a temper & this guy gave me a bit of a "you only live once & get out if you are unhappy" talk.
I saw a car drive through our estate & had a feeling it was H, just before reaching my house.
When I got in it was around 3.30am & the upstairs light was on.
H quizzed me about where I had been & I told him I could not get a cab & had walked home with my friend.( which I had done, except for the last little bit of my walk) He called me a lyer & said our marraige was over as he had seen me with this bloke & knows I discussed our relationship, as he drove out looking for me. I told him the full story of how this bloke was a happily married friend of my friend, who was not trying to crack on to me & that the reason he was saying get out if you are not happy, was because I seemed afraid of my H's response to me being late home.
This guy gave me a little peck on the cheek before leaving me & H saw this too.
He has gone berserk at me (which I know I deserve) & told me our marraige is over. Our marraige has been hanging on a very fine thread for a long time now, but things seemed to be improving a little.
I am so very ashamed with myself. He is at work all day today & I feel so bad that I can barely function for my children. I just keep crying & DS1 keeps asking why I am sad.
I know I should have phoned H & can't believe I didn't. I was afraid of waking him because I knew he had work early today, which I know now was very wrong. I also know that it was very wrong to let this guy walk me to my house, but it was all very innocent.
I have tried phoning H on his mobile, but he doesn't have it switched on.
I feel so terrible. I just don't know what to do with myself.

OP posts:
Original poster
verystupid · 27/05/2006 15:51

He is due home at 7pm. Yes I know I was wrong to let him walk me home, but it was only the last bit of my walk, as I was nearly home when my friend got in the cab & he offered to walk me the final part of my journey as he was going the same way. It was all very innocent though, he didn't make any attempt to make a pass at me & it was only a friendly peck on the cheek. I shouldn't have done it though. My logical bit of my brain wasn't working due to one too many drinks!
Would NEVER be unfaithful though.
No I certainly don't want my boys to grow up damaged in anyway due to his behaviour. Luckily they were asleep & didn't witness any of last nights happenings, but I worry about them a lot & have told him that the kids will not force me to stay, but it would be because of the kids that I would leave.
I am furious that he left the boys though. He has never ever done that before.

OP posts:
moondog · 27/05/2006 16:00

You weren't wrong to let him walk you home though.
That is the whole bloody point!

snafu · 27/05/2006 16:00

I still don't understand why you even think you were wrong to let this chap walk you home?

tribpot · 27/05/2006 16:00

WHY shouldn't you have done it? My dh would have been very cross with me if I had elected to walk home alone late at night when someone who clearly wasn't going to try it on had offered to accompany me.

The only thing you did 'wrong' was to lie when he asked you how you'd got home. And the only reason you did that was because you were afraid of his reaction.

Your HV would do her nut if she knew he'd left the boys alone to go and stalk you!

You may feel you shouldn't have said anything about your home situation to this guy but I imagine he was just concerned about why you seemed so agitated about being late.

nicnack2 · 27/05/2006 16:07

i dont think you are stupid. i had a bf that was just the same. and he infact was seeing someone else but managed to turn everything so it was my fault the the relationship fell apart. He is play dangerous mind game that will only be in his benefit. the fact that he left your children in bed is awful. Psychological abuse is extremely damaging to you and your children. Personally if i had known what my ex bf had been like i would of walk months before the relationship ended. It has taken me years to get over the emotional abuse and my lovely husband unfortuately gets the brunt of the result. you must start to lool after yourself and your children. HTH

Original poster
verystupid · 27/05/2006 16:15

I know. I have been very short fused with the boys today & it's not fair. They hate to see me crying & DS2 was very clingy earlier.
My Mum has just phoned & asked if I was okay. She still thinks I am in the wrong & feels sorry for H. She said that my Dad would have been furious if she had been spotted walking with a bloke and that she dares not tell him, as he will be furious with me.

OP posts:
nicnack2 · 27/05/2006 16:18

but the reason you lied was you were scared of your partners reaction surely your mother should be more worried about that.

joanna4 · 27/05/2006 16:35

I am amazed at your mum you have enough on and it matters not a jot whether she thinks it was right or wrong or what your dad will say you are a grown woman at the end of the day you dont have to justify it to them.
Me and my hubby went through a bit of a phase a while ago and the one person I knew i could count on not to judge and to get me through was my mum yours is bang out of order.
How come your mum thinks so highly out of him anyway has he manipulated her into thinking he is perfect son in law material.

Original poster
verystupid · 27/05/2006 16:48

He has decorated their entire house & is always doing odd jobs with my Dad. He is far more useful to them than I am!

OP posts:
wessexgirl · 27/05/2006 16:51

Jeez, do they really prioritise free decorating over their own daughter's happiness? Madness. Don't take any notice of what they say, you deserve better and so do your boys.

JonesTheSteam · 27/05/2006 16:58

Your parents' attitude is wrong - you have the right to be happy and not live in fear of your H's reaction, regardless of how bl**dy helpful he is around the house.

anorak · 27/05/2006 16:58

The fact that you are so ready to think yourself 'very stupid' is extremely telling.

It looks to me as if you grew up in a house with your father bullying and controlling your mum and you didn't expect any different for yourself.

Mumsnetters are here to tell you that you can ask for better. You can have a relationship with someone who doesn't lose their temper every time things don't go their way. You can go out and come home late without being afraid of that temper. You can walk with a friend in all innocence without even thinking it might be a problem. You can be trusted totally until such time as you have an affair or do something else to destroy that trust. It isn't going to happen in this marriage, sadly.

No wonder your DH and your Dad get on so well. You've been trained to associate this kind of bullying with love - your parents have role-modelled your marriage for you.

Break free and don't accept anyone else until you get someone who will cherish and respect you.

Original poster
verystupid · 27/05/2006 17:26

My sister is very supportive & she is aware of his temper. She was the one who told my parents she was worried about me last summer. My parents said I would be a fool to leave him & my Dad's words were that he liked H & thought of him as a son and that I need not think I could come crawling back home if I left him.
They are aware he has a temper, but my Mum just says he is like my Dad in that aspect.

OP posts:
motherinferior · 27/05/2006 17:30

I'm really sorry. I also think that your parents are completely, completely skewed in their idea of a 'normal' relationship.

My partner can get occasionally jealous, I think (mainly because I had a lot of boyfriends before we met Grin Blush). However, if I were faced with the choice between walking home alone and with a man, the thing that would make him hit the roof is if I chose to go through dark streets on my own - because he'd worry about me. As Anorak says, you deserve - as we all do - a man who worries about your welfare, not about whether you'll spend five minutes with another bloke.

wessexgirl · 27/05/2006 17:31

Do you have any brothers? Or are they just trying to have the son they always wanted through you?

Whatever is behind their attitude, it is wrong, wrong, wrong. Can't imagine ever saying anything like that to my dds even if they were married to Mr Perfect from Planet Perfection. I feel sad and angry that you have had to deal with this.

JonesTheSteam · 27/05/2006 17:33

They may think of him as a son, but you are their daughter, and he's making you unhappy.

You deserve to be happy.

If they can't see that, then maybe they're not very good parents.

It sounds to me like your mum hasn't necessarily been completely happy with your father (obviously I could be way off the mark here, so please don't be offended!!)

So, won't you kind of be repeating the pattern if you stay? If, in the future, your children were unhappy with abusive partners wouldn't you want them to sort out the situation in order to regain happiness, even if that meant splitting up.

It seems to me, you have done a lot to try and make this relationship work.

You have forgiven your H for adultery.
You have had counselling.
You have persuaded H to have counselling (even if only the bare minimum).

But if it's not working, then it's not working.

Gone are the days when people had to stay married whatever the situation was.

Original poster
verystupid · 27/05/2006 17:34

No I don't have any brothers, I just have the one sister. Apparantly my parents only wanted daughters, but I think now that Dad enjoys having this handy son in law that gets jobs done for them etc. My Dad & H get on pretty well.

OP posts:
Original poster
verystupid · 27/05/2006 17:39

I would hate for my children to be in unhappy relationships.
My Mum did have a bad spell in her marraige, but didn't ever think of leaving because she feels you must try & make it work when you have children.

OP posts:
anorak · 27/05/2006 17:40

Your dad and your H get on well because they affirm each others' bullying behaviour.

Pruni · 27/05/2006 17:43

Good god, have just read this. I have nothing to add to the excellent posts on the thread. I'm so sorry you don't have the parental support that could help you through this - sorry, but your parents sound really damaging. I hope you can get through this without needing anything from them, just for the moment.
xxP

Hoopoe · 27/05/2006 17:44

It's really sad that your parents aren't supportive of you, but you've got a great sister! I can't see how you could do anymore than you have done to try and save your marriage. And nothing, absolutely nothing you've done has been stupid. You are not stupid and you have nothing to be ashamed of.

I think it's time to look after yourself and your wonderful kids, start repairing your self esteem and surround yourself with people who love and support you.

Original poster
verystupid · 27/05/2006 18:14

Thank you all so much for all your support today. I started the day in a real state, thinking I was a really bad, stupid person. This wasn't helped by my Mum confirming how bad I was.
I really needed someone to talk to & you have all been great. I am not feeling quite so appaulled with myself now.
He will be in, in an hour. I have apologised & explained my innocence regarding my friends friend until I am blue in the face, so I think I will just try & keep out of his way tonight.
Thanks again. Where would I be without MN!

OP posts:
verystupidsfriend · 27/05/2006 18:23

knew this was you as soon as i saw it! everyone has given you lots of good advice! told you that this morning! just chill and enjoy your evening! don't listen to any one who says you are in the wrong you did nothing wrong!

Original poster
verystupid · 27/05/2006 18:24

Hiya! I am calmer now. My Mum has got to me a bit though.

OP posts:
joanna4 · 27/05/2006 18:34

I know hun but your mum has had a few glitches with your dad who is so similar that by acknowledging your problem and your hubbys behaviour it also means she has to recognise her own problems and maybe she just isnt ready for that. Take care hun I will be thinking of you tonight.
(((((((((((((((BIG HUG TO YOU AND YOUR LOVELY KIDS))))))))))))))))
JO