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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Been very stupid

295 replies

verystupid · 27/05/2006 11:21

I have changed my name for this post as I am so ashamed of what I have done, but need to talk.
My husband & I have had quite severe relationship problems recently, which have calmed a little in the last couple of months.
Last night I went for a night out with a friend & had a good time, but at the end of the night we couldn't get a cab. My friend & I phoned several taxi firms, but got no joy. While waiting around for a cab, my friend started speaking to a male friend that she knew from school. We started to walk home & this guy walked along with us. He was mainly talking to my friend.
Eventually my friend got through to a taxi firm on her mobile. The cab arrived, but as I was so near my home, this friend of hers said he would walk me to my house as he lived nearby.
I stupidly agreed to this, as the bloke was happily married & had not tried it on with either of us. I know how stupid that was now, but at the time with several drinks in my system & so near to this my home, I stupidly accepted.
I was quite panicked about getting home quickly, as my husband gets very angry if I am late, but I very stupidly did not phone my husband (as I normally would) & explain why I was late getting home.
Anyway, to cut a long story short, this bloke was fine. He didn't try & chat me up or anything, but seemed concerned that I was panicking so much about my husband getting angry. I explained that he had a temper & this guy gave me a bit of a "you only live once & get out if you are unhappy" talk.
I saw a car drive through our estate & had a feeling it was H, just before reaching my house.
When I got in it was around 3.30am & the upstairs light was on.
H quizzed me about where I had been & I told him I could not get a cab & had walked home with my friend.( which I had done, except for the last little bit of my walk) He called me a lyer & said our marraige was over as he had seen me with this bloke & knows I discussed our relationship, as he drove out looking for me. I told him the full story of how this bloke was a happily married friend of my friend, who was not trying to crack on to me & that the reason he was saying get out if you are not happy, was because I seemed afraid of my H's response to me being late home.
This guy gave me a little peck on the cheek before leaving me & H saw this too.
He has gone berserk at me (which I know I deserve) & told me our marraige is over. Our marraige has been hanging on a very fine thread for a long time now, but things seemed to be improving a little.
I am so very ashamed with myself. He is at work all day today & I feel so bad that I can barely function for my children. I just keep crying & DS1 keeps asking why I am sad.
I know I should have phoned H & can't believe I didn't. I was afraid of waking him because I knew he had work early today, which I know now was very wrong. I also know that it was very wrong to let this guy walk me to my house, but it was all very innocent.
I have tried phoning H on his mobile, but he doesn't have it switched on.
I feel so terrible. I just don't know what to do with myself.

OP posts:
sobernow · 27/05/2006 12:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SaintGeorge · 27/05/2006 12:58

Sorry, skimmed thread so might have missed bits but can I just ask -

How the hell did he overhear conversation between you and this bloke?

If he was driving around looking for you, why didn't he stop and give you a lift home?

Trying to get my head around what on earth you are actually supposed to have done wrong.

moondog · 27/05/2006 13:11

What an oafish bullying twat.
Just want to add my voice to everyone else's (Not)VeryStupid.

BadHair · 27/05/2006 13:23

Sorry, I've not read all the posts, but if he was driving round looking for you, who was in the house with your children? Did he leave them alone? If so then he's not only an arse but also an irresponsible twat.

Original poster
verystupid · 27/05/2006 13:27

Not sure how on earth he heard the conversation between this bloke & myself, or how much of the convo he heard. I didn't suddenly start talking to this bloke about my relationship. The guy seemed a bit alarmed that I was worrying so much about being late home & that is why he came out with the "You only live once, get out" line. H says he also heard this guy mention that I should not stay with H for the childrens sake.
I find it all a bit creepy.
I was in such a terrible state last night & kept saying I had done nothing wrong and how I had never been unfaithful even though he had. He got angry & told me to stop going on about that.
I am dreading him coming home tonight.

OP posts:
sallystrawberry · 27/05/2006 13:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
verystupid · 27/05/2006 13:41

Thank you.Smile

OP posts:
joanna4 · 27/05/2006 13:45

So while he is gone today get the kettle on and get yourself a good plan of action in your head or have a good think about where you could go. you could do so much better and you are probably still young yourself could you really hack another 30 plus years of living like this, that is how you need to think longer term. Please dont call yourself very stupid you are not would your husband have preffered you walked home alone the rest of the way-now THAT is very stupid. YOU deserve better YOUR CHILDREN deserve better you did nothing wrong. We are all here for you dont think that you need have no one to turn to.
jo

Ulysees · 27/05/2006 13:50

Just want to add my support. He sounds like svengali Sad Your parents are being conned and should support you more.

Men can be amazingly manipulative - I know not all before people bash me! Like has been said he's a control freak and very odd to have heard this convo?? No wonder you're worried about that.

Be very very strong and just remember that he's selfish and has his own interests at heart, not yours hun even if he tries to be the nice guy all of a sudden.

Out of interest, what are his own family like? Apologies if you've already said x

woodywoodpecker · 27/05/2006 13:51

I read the start of this thread earlier but didnt have time to post. Can you rewind the tape to your first post. How on earth do you think you deserve him going berserk at you? Your H sounds like a total control freak. I have a friend whose husband is like this and I know her life is hell.

Be kind to yourself and stop thinking any of this is your fault. Tell him to get a grip. How dare HE tell you not to turn things around. He is a big bully.

edam · 27/05/2006 13:53

You aren't stupid, he's just messing with your head. It's easier for onlookers to say 'this isn't normal' because we aren't in the middle of the situation.

In your shoes I'd be tempted to pack his ruddy bags and change the locks while he's out but that's probably not a very sensible response. Do think you should see a divorce lawyer though and take copies of all legal/financial paperwork.

Original poster
verystupid · 27/05/2006 14:02

I must be pretty stupid not to see it as clearly as all of you can.
When I got in last night, he was standing in the lounge waiting for me. He was trying to catch me out, as he greeted me in his usual way, like nothing was bothering him. He said hello to me & even used his pet name for me. Then he asked how I got home. I told him I couldn't get a cab & walked with my friend. He then turned & said "Lyer, I saw you walking with this bloke" & all hell broke lose.
I explained that he only walked me the last little bit home & that it was all very, very innocent - the guy is very happily married. He then went mental about how he heard our relationship mentioned.
I think he is feeling very, very insecure about the state our marraige is in & this is probably why he spied on me in this way.
Ulysees, he had a very troubled upbringing. His father left the family home to live in Canada where he commited bigomy. He then took his own life the day before H was due to go out to Canada to visit him.

OP posts:
sallystrawberry · 27/05/2006 14:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sallystrawberry · 27/05/2006 14:05

This reply has been deleted

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Original poster
verystupid · 27/05/2006 14:13

I think it is time I saw a solicitor. Was waiting to see if his counselling had worked miracles, but it clearly has not. I have done everything I can to try & make the situation better, but nothing has worked.

OP posts:
Ulysees · 27/05/2006 14:27

blimey! I can see why he's messed up. Doesn't help you though hun, be strong. I know you love him but he isn't really going to change if things carry on the way they are. He sounds like a desperate man so please look after yourself. He also sounds very immature, would you agree with this? Sometimes when horrible things happen, especially regarding parents, people can almost become stunted in their maturity.

TheMammy · 27/05/2006 14:35

The one who is verystupid in this situation is him. Not you.

Original poster
verystupid · 27/05/2006 14:38

My HV is very closely involved with my family. She came out with that exact phrase - that he almost stopped maturing temper wise at 14 when his Dad died.

OP posts:
Original poster
verystupid · 27/05/2006 14:41

Last night, he was very controlled - not shouting aggressivly, but he was kind of creepily angry. Does that make sense?

OP posts:
JonesTheSteam · 27/05/2006 14:47

Is he this controlling with your boys?

And as for your parents, if they are willing to think of him as the 'model' son-in-law, then they clearly haven't a clue how normal relationships work.

And I'd have serious words with him about leaving the children on their own in the house.

I don't think I could ever begin to forgive DH if he did this (not that he would for a second, thank God).

He needs to realise that what he did was very stupid!!!! No one rational would leave their children alone just to go spy on their other half!!!!!!

Ulysees · 27/05/2006 14:51

Must be very hard for you then. An angry teen is hard enough but when it's a grown man with that maturity - or lack of it - must be scary Sad

Original poster
verystupid · 27/05/2006 15:33

He has got a lot better with the boys recently & can be a really good Dad at times. The boys adore him. However, he has been extreme with his punishments of them in the past (not physically, but making them stay in their rooms for far longer than they should be in there & things like that), he also underminds my authority with them & takes over dealing with them.
I had loads of very harsh words with him about this & we have had my HV & a SW round to suggest positive parenting techniques. He seems much better with the boys now.
My HV thought it important that I ticked all the right boxes to try & improve my home situation before taking the drastic "get out" step, which is why she visited us at home.
I very stupidly thought things may have improved following his counselling & their visits, as things went very calm & he seemed to be trying harder to be a decnt father & husband. It seems that it was short lived though & I cannot believe that I thought I was 100% to blame regarding last nights incident. I am quite shocked that I missed that one altogether & came on here to say how bad I had been. I thought I was more in tune with it all & stronger, but I obviously am not at all.Sad

OP posts:
Twiglett · 27/05/2006 15:35

do you want your boys to grow up believing that this is the right way to treat a partner?

sallystrawberry · 27/05/2006 15:35

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goosey · 27/05/2006 15:35

Is there any chance he could have got you bugged/wired somehow? Something in your handbag? He sounds like a controlling bully, but I would see red if my dh walked home with a strange woman and then lied about it after I had seen her kiss him, so I can half understand how you feel guilty.