Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Been very stupid

295 replies

verystupid · 27/05/2006 11:21

I have changed my name for this post as I am so ashamed of what I have done, but need to talk.
My husband & I have had quite severe relationship problems recently, which have calmed a little in the last couple of months.
Last night I went for a night out with a friend & had a good time, but at the end of the night we couldn't get a cab. My friend & I phoned several taxi firms, but got no joy. While waiting around for a cab, my friend started speaking to a male friend that she knew from school. We started to walk home & this guy walked along with us. He was mainly talking to my friend.
Eventually my friend got through to a taxi firm on her mobile. The cab arrived, but as I was so near my home, this friend of hers said he would walk me to my house as he lived nearby.
I stupidly agreed to this, as the bloke was happily married & had not tried it on with either of us. I know how stupid that was now, but at the time with several drinks in my system & so near to this my home, I stupidly accepted.
I was quite panicked about getting home quickly, as my husband gets very angry if I am late, but I very stupidly did not phone my husband (as I normally would) & explain why I was late getting home.
Anyway, to cut a long story short, this bloke was fine. He didn't try & chat me up or anything, but seemed concerned that I was panicking so much about my husband getting angry. I explained that he had a temper & this guy gave me a bit of a "you only live once & get out if you are unhappy" talk.
I saw a car drive through our estate & had a feeling it was H, just before reaching my house.
When I got in it was around 3.30am & the upstairs light was on.
H quizzed me about where I had been & I told him I could not get a cab & had walked home with my friend.( which I had done, except for the last little bit of my walk) He called me a lyer & said our marraige was over as he had seen me with this bloke & knows I discussed our relationship, as he drove out looking for me. I told him the full story of how this bloke was a happily married friend of my friend, who was not trying to crack on to me & that the reason he was saying get out if you are not happy, was because I seemed afraid of my H's response to me being late home.
This guy gave me a little peck on the cheek before leaving me & H saw this too.
He has gone berserk at me (which I know I deserve) & told me our marraige is over. Our marraige has been hanging on a very fine thread for a long time now, but things seemed to be improving a little.
I am so very ashamed with myself. He is at work all day today & I feel so bad that I can barely function for my children. I just keep crying & DS1 keeps asking why I am sad.
I know I should have phoned H & can't believe I didn't. I was afraid of waking him because I knew he had work early today, which I know now was very wrong. I also know that it was very wrong to let this guy walk me to my house, but it was all very innocent.
I have tried phoning H on his mobile, but he doesn't have it switched on.
I feel so terrible. I just don't know what to do with myself.

OP posts:
Freckle · 27/05/2006 12:23

Beat me to it, misdee. I was going to suggest Women's Aid. Domestic violence covers physical, emotional and financial abuse and you definitely fit into that category.

Please contact them as they will have excellent advice on how to proceed.

Freckle · 27/05/2006 12:23

Is the house in joint names? If so, he will need your cooperation. If not, go and see a solicitor as you need to protect your matrimonial rights.

He may of course just be saying that as part of his emotional abuse.

gothicmama · 27/05/2006 12:24

ok so take some power back from him get in touch with womans aid or 'phone social services and leave or stay keep yourself safe

Original poster
verystupid · 27/05/2006 12:24

Thanks. I feel very stupid now. I was getting stronger & cannot believe he has got me again.Sad

OP posts:
vitomum · 27/05/2006 12:25

the saddest thing in this post is that you feel ashamed and guilty when you have done nothing wrong. but then that is how abusers operate, they convinve the other person that they are in the wrong. Your husbands behaviour is completely controlling and manipulative and yes is is abusive. I feel so sorry for you that you cannot see this. But it sounds like you are not getting any support from your family either (it is probably not coincidence that your relationship replicates your mothers and fathers??). I hope you can use MN to get some perspective. take care, do not let him grind you down, you have done NOTHING wrong.

Freckle · 27/05/2006 12:25

Please don't feel stupid. Controlling men are very clever at making their spouses feel totally stupid and insignificant. You are not and you need to show him this. Bullies can't cope with people who stand up to them.

Original poster
verystupid · 27/05/2006 12:26

Called myself very stupid again didn't I? Sorry.
I need to see a solicitor now.
House is in joint names.

OP posts:
gothicmama · 27/05/2006 12:26

as someone who has been there you are not stupidit is just how you are nmade to feel it takes time to overcome the emotional effects but a blip you have recognicsed as one (by posting her) is a positive sign you are getting stronger

vitomum · 27/05/2006 12:32

oh, and i doubt very much he will leave you - these are all threats to keep you unsure, feeling guilty etc. What he really wants is to possess you completely. if this marriage is to end you will have to do it - be strong.

Original poster
verystupid · 27/05/2006 12:34

Thought I was getting stronger, but clearly I am not as I missed this one completely. I thought everyone on here would be saying how bad I was to do what I did, so he has got me convinced here.

OP posts:
Original poster
verystupid · 27/05/2006 12:35

My last post doesn't make sense. Sorry I am a mess today!

OP posts:
gothicmama · 27/05/2006 12:37

it does make sense -

gothicmama · 27/05/2006 12:38

well i understood it take care of yourself

tribpot · 27/05/2006 12:40

You are getting stronger. He is upping the stakes in response to that. Think of it as a compliment of sorts - you are a tougher opponent now and his behaviour is getting more extreme, more controlling, more irrational in order to have the same effect on you.

Putting the house on the market is just another stick to beat you and the dses with. He's done it before (if you are who I think) and he may do worse before you get away for good.

But it will be for good - yours and the dses. You all deserve better than this.

Phoning your mum was probably a mistake, she has always taken his side (again, if you are who I think) and this just reinforces your sense of worthlessness.

Posting on MN was the right thing to do - even when you thought we were going to condemn you, you can see that rational minds are on your side.

You are not wrong. You are not stupid. Let this hateful man stew and make your escape plans.

Original poster
verystupid · 27/05/2006 12:41

Thanks. It was a bit gibberish!
He was cross because he said I was raising my voice when I got in & he was having a go. He told me he would be really angry if I woke the children.

OP posts:
Original poster
verystupid · 27/05/2006 12:42

I am who you thing I am, tribpot. I was posting as LW.

OP posts:
vitomum · 27/05/2006 12:42

it DOES make sense. and it shows you have come a long way towards understanding his behaviour - that shows how strong you are. yes, you 'missed this one' - but that just shows you're human and sometimes need support to get perspective. Please don't use it as an opportunity to berrate yourself. Does you last post also meen you no longer feel in the wrong? i hope so.

Freckle · 27/05/2006 12:43

Oh so it's alright for him to leave them alone in the middle of the night, but not for you to wake them??

gothicmama · 27/05/2006 12:43

ignore him he makes no sense tripot is right in what she says about him upping the stakes because he is losing control

fuzzywuzzy · 27/05/2006 12:45

If he's putting the house up for sale, I'd start consulting a solicitor, have a look through the phone book, and make an appointment on Monday.

I still can't see where you did anything wrong, my husband, if he were terribly worried would have rung me to see what I was doing, not followed me and spied on me whilst leaving our young vulnerable children home alone.

Original poster
verystupid · 27/05/2006 12:48

Good point, fuzzy. He could have phoned, I had my mobile with me. He made out he was very concerned about me, as I could have been lying in a ditch somewhere.
Thing is, I am going to come out of this relationship looking like the bad guy now.

OP posts:
Original poster
verystupid · 27/05/2006 12:52

I am going to try & be a good mother now & make my boys lunch. Poor children have been a bit abandoned this morning as I have been in such a bad state. They are playing together quite nicely though!
Thanks for all your advice. I am not feeling quite so very stupid now!

OP posts:
sobernow · 27/05/2006 12:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fuzzywuzzy · 27/05/2006 12:53

Actually no you don't look anything like the bad guy from where I'm sitting.
He has been unreasonable, not you. Anyone with even an iota of sense can see he is a bully.

So far you say he has;
Left your children home alone so he can spy on you.
He followed you listened to a private conversation you were having, and if he'd been so dreadfully worried he didn't show it by giving you a lift back home. Instead he drove back home after he'd gathered enough ammo against you to have a fight.
He reckons he's putting both yours and his house on the market....???
He's had an affair.

Whereas you;
Had a drink with friends, with his knowledge.
Walked home with a friend as you cxouldn't get a taxi.....

!!!!!!

Freckle · 27/05/2006 12:56

You won't come out looking like the bad guy. What you did last night, if held up as an example of why he has to end his marriage, would be laughed out of court - and most reasonable, sensible people (as has been shown on this thread) would be puzzled that anyone would think it was serious.

However, your description of his behaviour gives very good grounds for why you have to end this marriage.

And anyway, don't worry what other people think. Your safety and that of your boys is the most important thing.