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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Been very stupid

295 replies

verystupid · 27/05/2006 11:21

I have changed my name for this post as I am so ashamed of what I have done, but need to talk.
My husband & I have had quite severe relationship problems recently, which have calmed a little in the last couple of months.
Last night I went for a night out with a friend & had a good time, but at the end of the night we couldn't get a cab. My friend & I phoned several taxi firms, but got no joy. While waiting around for a cab, my friend started speaking to a male friend that she knew from school. We started to walk home & this guy walked along with us. He was mainly talking to my friend.
Eventually my friend got through to a taxi firm on her mobile. The cab arrived, but as I was so near my home, this friend of hers said he would walk me to my house as he lived nearby.
I stupidly agreed to this, as the bloke was happily married & had not tried it on with either of us. I know how stupid that was now, but at the time with several drinks in my system & so near to this my home, I stupidly accepted.
I was quite panicked about getting home quickly, as my husband gets very angry if I am late, but I very stupidly did not phone my husband (as I normally would) & explain why I was late getting home.
Anyway, to cut a long story short, this bloke was fine. He didn't try & chat me up or anything, but seemed concerned that I was panicking so much about my husband getting angry. I explained that he had a temper & this guy gave me a bit of a "you only live once & get out if you are unhappy" talk.
I saw a car drive through our estate & had a feeling it was H, just before reaching my house.
When I got in it was around 3.30am & the upstairs light was on.
H quizzed me about where I had been & I told him I could not get a cab & had walked home with my friend.( which I had done, except for the last little bit of my walk) He called me a lyer & said our marraige was over as he had seen me with this bloke & knows I discussed our relationship, as he drove out looking for me. I told him the full story of how this bloke was a happily married friend of my friend, who was not trying to crack on to me & that the reason he was saying get out if you are not happy, was because I seemed afraid of my H's response to me being late home.
This guy gave me a little peck on the cheek before leaving me & H saw this too.
He has gone berserk at me (which I know I deserve) & told me our marraige is over. Our marraige has been hanging on a very fine thread for a long time now, but things seemed to be improving a little.
I am so very ashamed with myself. He is at work all day today & I feel so bad that I can barely function for my children. I just keep crying & DS1 keeps asking why I am sad.
I know I should have phoned H & can't believe I didn't. I was afraid of waking him because I knew he had work early today, which I know now was very wrong. I also know that it was very wrong to let this guy walk me to my house, but it was all very innocent.
I have tried phoning H on his mobile, but he doesn't have it switched on.
I feel so terrible. I just don't know what to do with myself.

OP posts:
Orlando · 27/05/2006 11:47

So sorry to hear how upset you are, but I really sincerely hope that this may be a turning point for you. It seems his only motivation is to catch you out and make you feel bad about yourself-- to the extent that he'd leave your children alone in the middle of the night to do so. You really may be better off without him, although the process of separating seems unbearable. Do you think that, if you had a chance to put your side to your parents that you would get their support? I hope so. Can you get in touch now, while h is at work and talk to them?

sallystrawberry · 27/05/2006 11:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Freckle · 27/05/2006 11:51

And whilst we're looking at who did what, let's look at his behaviour.

He leaves two young children alone in the middle of the night so that he can drive around town to spy on his wife.

He sees his wife, makes no attempt to offer her a lift home so they can get back to their children. He gets out of the car and hides behind a bush/whatever. Listens to her conversation. Does not reveal himself and then drives home again without ensuring she gets home safely. Then bullies her into thinking she has done something so terrible that their marriage is over.

I know who I think is in the wrong here.

Original poster
verystupid · 27/05/2006 11:53

Not sure if my parents would be on side. My Mum thinks I am bad to have got in late. My Dad was very jealous when she was younger (he still is quite jealous now) & would be convinced she had a man round if there was an extra newspaper in the house when he returned from work etc. (this was when I was a child) My husband does a lot of work for my parents & they think of him as the model son in law. My Dad once told my sister that I was not to go crawling to them if I seperated from H.

OP posts:
Original poster
verystupid · 27/05/2006 11:56

We had a babysitter booked for tonight, as my sister & BIL were coming over & we were going out. I have to cancel them all.

OP posts:
thebecster · 27/05/2006 11:57

It sounds like you are frightened of him, and were even frightened before all this happened - that is not good at all.

My DH tends to be jealous, but I've never felt at all nervous around him and we just talk it out whenever he feels threatened. I don't accept any blame when he starts because I know I'm completely faithful (don't even fantasise about other men, am so in love with DH - very nauseating really!), and I don't make excuses or explain myself. I don't feel that I have to - since I haven't done anything wrong, why should I make excuses? I just ask him why he's feeling insecure, ask if I'm not making it clear enough how much I love him etc., make a big fuss of him, and he calms down.

Why was your marriage 'hanging by a thread' before - has something else happened which has made him stop trusting you? If it's just that you've been arguing a lot, and he's becoming more & more jealous and controlling (which is how it sounds), then you need to stop blaming yourself. My DH wouldn't be angry if I was driven home by a friend of a friend as long as the driver hadn't been drinking. He'd ask a few searching questions if he saw me getting a peck on the cheek, and he wouldn't be happy if I talked about any problems we had with another man. Hardly a marriage-ender though, just a 'spirited discussion' (we don't row, we 'discuss' Grin - ha!).

edam · 27/05/2006 11:57

Well then your parents are wrong too. Sorry, but they are barking and so is your dh. Get out now before you are so browbeaten you can't.

Do you want your children to grow up thinking this is normal and repeating the pattern? Do you want ds to treat his own future wife like this? You need to either get out or make your dh realise he has to change, radically. Suspect from your posts that is unlikely.

madamechocolat · 27/05/2006 11:59

Verystupid - go change your name to "feeling vulnerable and needing support". I'm very sorry you are going through this. It sounds like your dh has serious anger and control issues which need addressing. This whole situation has been taken so out of context - he is using what happened to bully and emotional beat you. Have you any friends you can go and stay with until this man has had some time to think about his behaviour?

SenoraPostrophe · 27/05/2006 12:00

the only thing you did wrong imo was to lie initially (but it's easy to see why you did that). why should you have phoed him? he couldn't have come to pick you up because he was babysitting.

all the stuff about not "turning this round" does ring huge alarm bells in my head. just because your mum married a controlling bully doesn't mean you should stay with one.

Original poster
verystupid · 27/05/2006 12:02

Yes my marraige was hanging on a very thin thread before this incident & it was all related to his temper issues. I have posted on MN before about it & had got so much stronger, but it seems now that maybe I am not so strong, as he has made me feel so very wrong again now.Sad

OP posts:
thebecster · 27/05/2006 12:02

Oops, took too long typing my post and have now seen some of the back story. You need to talk to someone supportive & impartial to build your self-confidence to help you change this situation, either by ending the relationship or by him realising that he can't bully you any more - can your GP refer you for counselling?

I wouldn't try to get any more moral support from your parents. Even the best of parents are never impartial, and you need to be empowered enough as an adult to decide for yourself what's right and wrong, regardless of what your mum thinks.

It's awful that he left your kids alone.

Orlando · 27/05/2006 12:02

Will your sister support you? or the friend you were with last night?

I feel very strongly that you should be with someone right now who will offer you the practical and emotional help you need to go on from here.

Original poster
verystupid · 27/05/2006 12:06

My sister is supportive. She is aware of our relationship problems. As for counselling - I am soon to have my last counselling session. I have had counselling regarding my situation for the last year. I was so much more sorted, but it seems maybe I am not.

OP posts:
misdee · 27/05/2006 12:07

can i ask, when he was driving round the streets looking for you, who was watching your children?

SparklyGothKat · 27/05/2006 12:08

If he was so worried why didn't he PHONE you???? My Dh phones me if I am late getting home, just to make sure I am ok.

Original poster
verystupid · 27/05/2006 12:09

He had left them alone, misdee. I was very angry about this.

OP posts:
misdee · 27/05/2006 12:10

hold on i'll catch up and read the whole thread.

do u want your marriage to end?

edam · 27/05/2006 12:11

You've been having counselling - what about him? Because his behaviour is not normal, or rational. What kind of idiot leaves his kids home on their own while he goes out to spy on his wife? Would he like to try explaining that one to a police officer or social worker?

Orlando · 27/05/2006 12:12

The first thing you need to do is stop believing that you're in the wrong.

Can you? Can you type it here?

I AM NOT IN THE WRONG

SenoraPostrophe · 27/05/2006 12:13

edam is talking a lot of sense.

Original poster
verystupid · 27/05/2006 12:17

I pushed him into having counselling, as it was a last ditch attempt to save our marraige. He had the minimum 6 sessions, as he felt he had covered enough. He seemed to improve for a while & I thought it had maybe done some good. He is very clever in the way that he controls me & this time I felt so in the wrong.
I have now given away who I am, but I guess it doesn't matter. I changed my name to very stupid because I was ashamed of my behaviour.

OP posts:
Original poster
verystupid · 27/05/2006 12:20

I think I have reached the end of the road. I will have to get out of my marraige.

OP posts:
gothicmama · 27/05/2006 12:20

you have mae progress you are strong and getting stronger this is a blip that you will survive and be stronger for

misdee · 27/05/2006 12:21

\link{http://www.womensaid.org.uk\womens aid} if you need them.

Original poster
verystupid · 27/05/2006 12:22

He said he is putting the house up for sale today.

OP posts:
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