I know I'll prob get a flaming...

[HurryUpWithTheWine]

Today I ended it with a guy I've been seeing for a while. Yes I was the OW and I know how awful my behaviour was. If you were his gf would you want to know? I'm torn and can't decide what's for the best. I know I'm a bitch and whatever else you want to throw at me...

I think I'd want to know, but not from you.

I wouldn't tell her, I don't think.

Are they married/have dc?

So you ended it with this guy, and now want to tell his wife? What is your motivation for that? A sudden epiphany or the desire to cause grief?

You were the OW before today if you've been seeing him for a while. Are you thinking of telling his gf, if so what is your motivation? And why would you want to be involved with a lying, cheating shit?

I don't think there is any way of telling her that without looking like a total cow and causing more problems than she already has.

Why would you want to tell her? Just move on.

No they're not married, live together and have a DS 18 months old. He wanted to continue but I come to my senses that he just liked having a bit on the side. I feel awful but he shows no remorse.

Its not your marrage, walk away and dont contact him or his wife.

If at a future date she contacts you, then tell her everything and be honest and respectful and dont say sorry because if you were then it would not have happened.

You feel awful for her or awful that he wouldn't leave her and his baby for you?

Yes I'd want to know - but coming from you to get revenge on him...bit nasty.

I know it'll sound awful but I fell for his sob story about how awful his gf is and he spun me the old line of leaving and being with me. He's never going to leave, which was probably obvious to everyone except me.

What you did was wrong - whether you were 'a bit on the side' or whether he intended to leave his partner. You 'came to your senses' for your own good, not his partners - so I don't see why you think you are any better than him.

Why do you want to tell her - really?

That's the thing, I'm obviously gutted but it makes perfect sense to me that he won't leave. I wish he'd have picked me but I was just a bit of fun whilst his gf brings up their child. I know I'm stupid. If it was me I'd want to know but I just wanted to see if others would before I did anything.

So you've hurt her once by having an affair with her partner, and now you want to make sure she really suffers?

It's not your place. You've done enough damage (he's done more) and now leave it, and them, alone.

NO NO NO!

Wouldn't you want to know if your partner was cheating? He wasn't sorry and no doubt I wasn't the first and I doubt I'll be the last. I know I'm as much to blame. I got swept away by his charm.

I suggest in this instance you keep your trap shut, your nose out and your knickers on.

No you'll just look like a nasty vindictive cow. Walk away and someone up thread said if she contacts you tell her everything but if you go to her he'll lie and worm his way out of it making you look like some strange stalker who he rejected. You can't win.

It sounds more like revenge than a genuine interest in his wife's welfare.

You wanted him to leave her.
He didn't and so naturally you're going to believe on some level that your perfect happy (non-existent) future together is thwarted only by his ties to her.

Really don't say anything, you wouldn't be doing it for good reasons even if you try to convince yourself otherwise.

Even if they split up the relationship you imagine in your head will never happen. None of it was real.

Even if I wanted to know, it wouldn't be from the OW.
You will unleash a world of pain on his DC and you have no right to do that.

Do you keep rabbits?

That's the thing, I'm glad really he hasn't left as I'd be worried about him going off with other women and was prob just the initial reaction that gutted me.

Look - you're understandably angry. He sweetalked and lied and led you a merry dance. Your time has been wated, your affections even more so. You've been used.
So you're furious. You want to get him back. You want to mess up his shit and see him suffer.
Ok. It's unsurprising you feel that way...

BUT

His gf is innocent. Don't use her to get revenge. You may convince yourself that you're doing her a favour really, and all told...you would be. But that's not your motivation at all and you know it. You don't know her...why would you be all out to do her a favour? You wouldn't - you just want to cause trouble.
So that's why it's wrong.

As much as he shouldn't have used you, you shouldn't use her either, so don't do it. You won't feel good about yourself if you do.

That's why you need to maintain a dignified silence. Onwards and upwards for you now. He has done you a great favour.

I think I do want revenge on him, not for hurting me as such as I'll forget in a few months but that he couldn't care less about what he was doing and that he's find someone else.

If he'd said I was a mistake and that he wanted things to work with his gf then I'd probably think differently.