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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I know I'll prob get a flaming...

284 replies

HurryUpWithTheWine · 03/06/2013 21:34

Today I ended it with a guy I've been seeing for a while. Yes I was the OW and I know how awful my behaviour was. If you were his gf would you want to know? I'm torn and can't decide what's for the best. I know I'm a bitch and whatever else you want to throw at me...

OP posts:
Dahlen · 03/06/2013 22:00

Whatever your motivation for telling her, everyone else will assume that it's purely out of spite.

There is a very good chance that because it's you - the X OW - telling her, she will assume you're out to make trouble and believe him when he paints a picture of you as some sad fantasist/stalker, etc. So you may achieve nothing but have your own reputation ruined.

If you can deal with that, by all means tell her. If I was her I'd want to know, though I probably wouldn't thank you for it at the time.

Sidge · 03/06/2013 22:01

You've done enough, there is NOTHING to be gained from telling his partner.

Walk away and don't look back.

sarahseashell · 03/06/2013 22:19

Uou haven't covered yourself in glory. Don't just react because you're angry - I think you'd feel shit in the longer term anyway if you told her. Just leave it and spend a bit of time reflecting on why you had this relationship.

allaflutter · 03/06/2013 22:34

so everyone thinks it's fine that the poor gf wouldn't even know what a scum he is, and that he just goes on lying/cheating?

topknob · 03/06/2013 22:36

Would like to pm you but it wouldn't allow me to x

pictish · 03/06/2013 22:37

No...we all think it's appalling.
However...the OP is not motivated by sympathy for his partner, but rather by anger at him.

She'll suss him out anyway.

Bogeyface · 03/06/2013 22:39

My feelings towards OW are well known on MN, however....

I can see that you feel hurt and used. I can also see that you have realised that this guy is not a misunderstood man who was in a bad relationship, but a player who will cheat on her again and again.

Telling her will solve nothing. Chances are, if it comes from you, she will stay with him. She will want to believe him when he tells her that you never had an affair with him, that you are a bunny boiler who wanted him and kicked off when he turned you down.

She will figure out what kind of man he is (if she hasnt already) and make her own decision about what to do. You wading in to tell her that the father of her child has been fucking you for the last X months will just make you the enemy when they pull together.

And next time, if someone is taken then they are taken, end of discussion. Learn from this.

Devora · 03/06/2013 22:41

Everyone here is saying: don't tell.

What are you now planning to do?

Bogeyface · 03/06/2013 22:41

allaflutter

When the OW makes the wife aware then there is the risk that the OW is painted as a liar and bunny boiler and the wife ends up staying with the cheater longer than if she had found out herself. If his GF has her head screwed on, she has probably already suspected something, she may even be on MN as we speak!

AnyFucker · 03/06/2013 22:43

The time to tell her was after the first time you shagged this swordsman

You missed your time. Now you need to shut up and put up.

Go away and sort your own behaviour out, instead of belatedly judging him.

Fairylea · 03/06/2013 22:48

Don't tell her. She may never find out. In some cases ignorance is bliss, especially when young children are involved.

Focus on finding yourself. And then find yourself someone single!

Original poster
HurryUpWithTheWine · 03/06/2013 22:49

Thanks everyone, I genuinely thought people were going to say they'd want to know. I could send the 2000+ emails, texts, videos if she wanted proof, but as everyone says dont tell her then it's made me think.

OP posts:
DaydreamDolly · 03/06/2013 22:52

As a woman who's husband cheated on her many times, I wish one of his scorned women had told me. As I didn't suspect and happily carried on until he finally left me for one of them. I would have liked to have known.

Original poster
HurryUpWithTheWine · 03/06/2013 22:56

What do you want to know topknob?

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 03/06/2013 23:00

OP, if we thought you were doing this from a good place (you didnt know he was in a committed relationship, didnt know he was cheating etc) then you would get most people saying that yes, you should tell her.

But you're not. You doing this out of a sense of being wronged and not wanting him to get away with it. That is a very different thing. Yes he treated you like shit, but lets face it you knew what you were getting into. He spun the facts to suit his purpose, and may even have believed what he was saying, but he never said that he was free or single. You chose to get involved with a (to all intents and purposes) married man, now you must accept that you have to suffer the consequences and one of those consequences is him walking away scot free.

topknob · 03/06/2013 23:04

It is hard to discuss on here...I have some input into this situation, but not in a bad way iyswim x

Original poster
HurryUpWithTheWine · 03/06/2013 23:06

Oh I know, I've never said I was right to do it or anything. I just hoped that I was a one off. I know I'm nothing special and was incredibly stupid and selfish. I have been awful and I feel guilty, I just wish he felt a tiny bit of guilt. I know he'll prob spin a line and she may stick with her but that would be her choice. She must have some inkling due to the amount he must have been on his phone and the amount of nights he had to suddenly work late.

OP posts:
Original poster
HurryUpWithTheWine · 03/06/2013 23:07

I'm a bit lost topknob? You think you know who I am/ the bloke is?

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 03/06/2013 23:15

topknob I think the OP doesn't want to converse with you privately and would prefer you to say what you have to say on here

if you can't do that, it might be best for you to say nothing at all

I would be a bit freaked out if I were her, tbh

overture · 03/06/2013 23:17

I'm going to go against most of the advice here, and say tell her.

I was with my XH for 10 years, I didn't know until the end he'd cheated with 13 women (that I know of) One of them he had an affair 6month after we married and all through those years, one of the other women he slept with his is married to now.

I wish ....so badly one of those women would have let me know. The risk of diseases, lies, deception, for 10 years, when I finally did find out,

I packed all my belonging and my DC and Dpets and left.
He had the cheek to come up to my new place and say ...he didn't really want a divorce, just some time apart to get sleeping around out of his system..... WTF????
He had 10 years of our married to get it out of his system? My only regret is he wasted 10 years of my life. I can't get that time back, he had no respect for me, our DC, our vows, nothing.
I know as least for me, I would want to know. BUT You are wrong in the reason for wanting her to know, and personally I think you are both disgusting and vile for doing this to her and the DC.
But in the end I would have to know, I personally just couldn't take the lies, deception, and risk of STIs or worse.

My 2p.

pausingforbreath · 03/06/2013 23:27

Just curious really; have you asked yourself that whilst you knew he had a girlfriend and small child, you were content having your 'fun' with him and showing her no consideration. You were content for his GF not to know about you and he.
It's only now that you are over - you feel she has a right to know ?
Surely she had the right to know all along, not just when you had decided you had , had enough and not been 'chosen'.
Her knowing now , isn't about her and him - its all about your fractioned ego surely?

Original poster
HurryUpWithTheWine · 03/06/2013 23:31

I know I'm vile and you can all throw whatever words you like to describe me. I know I've behaved appallingly and it's certainly taught me a lesson and I've realised that I've had a lucky escape. I know his poor gf is innocent in all this and their DS, I don't know what come over me and I'm disgusted in myself. I think the reality and enormity of it all only hit me today.

Looks like I won't be telling her, I just hope she wides up soon and finds a decent partner.

OP posts:
Original poster
HurryUpWithTheWine · 03/06/2013 23:33

I'll admit I want revenge as it'll make me feel good. Probably crazy? I know I've behaved terribly. As each hour passes I'm way more happier I've got rid of him instead of being strung along.

OP posts:
pictish · 03/06/2013 23:34

pausingforbreath has nailed it really.

pictish · 03/06/2013 23:40

Revenge won't bring back the time you've wasted, or make him choose you. Revenge won't stop him doing this. It won't even stop you hurting. You'll get an hour's satisfaction, then the certainty that you are just as much a user as he is, will set in and you'll feel ten times worse.
You are driven by rage, not empathy, so it can never end well for you.
That's what karma is really all about. If you do something wrong, it gets you down.
Karma is unreliable because some people really just don't give a fuck. Like your boyfriend there.
He won't give a fuck in the end.

Pointless.