I know I'll prob get a flaming...

[HurryUpWithTheWine]

Today I ended it with a guy I've been seeing for a while. Yes I was the OW and I know how awful my behaviour was. If you were his gf would you want to know? I'm torn and can't decide what's for the best. I know I'm a bitch and whatever else you want to throw at me...

But the only reason you've had a lucky escape, is because it was somewhat forced, in the fact he wouldn't choose you? Had he left his DW and DC for you, then what??

I can understand the revenge feeling, I've been there but on the other side. And its just not worth it.
I do appreciate your honesty. I hope you never have to experience the pain you and the idiot you were sleeping with will cause to his gf and DC.

I can't say how I feel about you not telling his GF, I would desperately want to know if I'm being made a mug, among all the other things that I wrote already. But that is me, better to know, than not to know for myself personally. I think it becomes much more painful as more times goes by, and turns into years, then decade...etc.

Revenge won't make you feel good for long Hurry. You have to consider the gf, imagine your heartbreak then even more, they share a child together, she has no idea her partner is sleeping around, her heart will break itself for herself, her child, the trust, the images of you two shagging. You knew about her......and yet you chose to do this. :(

I still think she should know. But as someone else said, she won't thank you for it.

Seriously doubt your motives.
You've been seeing him 'for a while' so child must have been very young when it all started. You didn't care about this family then - so why now? Move on and leave the poor girl alone.

Everyone's right about your motives here, love. So don't tell her, or get anyone else to for that matter. Apart from anything, if there's one thing I've learned from this site, it's that some women just don't want to know, even if the gun's smoking, the villain's holding it and there's a dead body on the floor....

Out of interest, what made the penny finally drop that he was just stringing you along and you wanted out?

He didn't like it when I said he couldn't move straight into mine When he left. He got really angry and he totally scared me a bit. It was obvious he wanted someone to carry on all the household duties and him not to be inconvenienced with having to move out on his own etc...

I didn't really see the significance of girlfriend over partner. She calls him boyfriend in facebook and he calls her girlfriend.

I totally understand and agree with posters questioning your motivation.

BUT - I'm really surprised how many people say the girlfriend will work him out for herself. A week lurking on this board will tell you that it is often a BIG surprise.

In her position, I'd want to know.

My situation was different in that my STBXH's infidelity was with prostitutes, so they never would have told me. But I wish one had. Why is the pain of finding out worse than not knowing and being able to make choices?

For all we know, he's an utter sh*t at home, and the girlfriend is desperate for an excuse to leave him, without being "at fault". Conversely, she might be really happy and this will shatter her world - but it's a false world.

Finding out from the OW is awful, but I'd rather know. But OW, keep it factual, apologise - but don't try to give lame excuses for yourself.

Revenge ? For what?
You knowingly , jointly with him : embarked on a relationship with an attached man with a girlfriend with a small child.
You both knew the score, you both kept the relationship from his GF.
Now you have decided its not working for you , you have ended the relationship...
I don't get the revenge bit , surely you knew he was a cheater, defined by him being prepared to have his cake and eat it , stringing you and the GF along from the beginning, you were aware and prepared for that, so I don't understand the revenge bit.
Anger yes, that you fell for his bullshit and allowed him to make you feel that it was so much more with a possible future for just you two . But cheaters but definition are liars, self entitled chancer's.
I am sorry that you have been hurt, you were lucky to have the full facts and act knowing them.
I feel really sorry for his GF too, she is unaware of all of this ; probably stressing about what she is doing wrong as he's so 'off' with her. She is the real victim here - I really don't think she needs your revenge too.
Her world looks to implode soon anyway ; let her find out from someone other than you looking for revenge ; to her BF and father of her child.
Remember the best revenge is to live well - without him, let yourself move on , he is no prize, he is happy to deceive and destroy those he 'loves'.

The fact that you say he got angry and scared you makes telling her an even dafter idea. How do you think he will react knowing it was you that told her?

You really don't give a shit about the girlfriend so please stop trying to convince yourself that you do.
You ddn't give a shit when you were shagging her boyfriend and you don't give a shit now you are planning a burst of conscience to neatly assist your desire to fuck him over.

It's reallupy unedifying. Planning to personally cause her even more distress just to get even with him is awful. Pretending you are doing it because you suddenly care about her and her child is creepy.

Hurry,
Perhaps wait a few weeks once you're not as hurt and angry and see then. I honestly think she should know. Maybe there are women out there that wouldn't want to know, but I've never met one.
I wish the first woman my XH shagged rang me.

It would have saved a lot of heart ache years down the line. Noone ever would be happy to receive that phone call or message, but its much worse, having it go on behind your back, Living a lie thinking everything is fine or not fine, but its my fault cause I've must have done something wrong. :(

I ended up finding out because is was sleeping with my closest friend, she ended up having more of a conscience than him, and couldn't cope with what she'd done.

He'd told her about some of these other women the other (13). I've never spoke to her again, BUT I quietly thanked her about a year after the divorce and to this day I'm thankful that she told me.

I totally agree with Cabrinha--how will she find out otherwise?? Mine was happy to let this carry on year after year!

Fair enough, I am/was angry with him and I don't want him to get away with it. I knew what I was doing and I'm angry at myself for falling for his bullshit. I can't believe I was so stupid. I'm sure he'll slip up soon enough or she'll figure it out. I just would like to know personally but prob not from me.

I don't know how else she would find out, unless I told one if her friends. I don't go stalking but she has a completely open facebook so I can see who her best friends are. I'll prob leave it to cool down first though.

Do not tell one of her friends!!!
FFS, leave the woman some dignity. If you're going to tell her - and I think you should - tell her yourself.
Why on EARTH would it be right to tell done random Facebook friend of hers?

Agree again with Cabrinha.
This has been done to her, noone else. Don't allow her to be at the end of more gossip or drama.
Take it straight to her, and take Cabrinha advice on her last post. Factual. Apologise.
Definitely agree and think if maybe a good idea to give yourself sometime cool down.

I don't want to start my own thread so hope I the OP doesn't mind if I ask a question on this one.

How would you feel about telling the girlfriend if she had been the OW originally and he already left a previous partner and DC for her. If there is such a thing as karma then surely this is it? I would just be interested to know your opinions.

You don't want him to get away with it, OP? What about you? What would you like to see as your 'punishment' in all this? You too, have 'got away' with it. The best outcome is that you will keep quiet and not be the one responsible for breaking this man's partner's heart.

I don't know where this quote comes from but it strikes a chord with me: "When you plan for revenge, dig TWO graves".

Keep away from this man and his family and vow not to enter into something like this again.

As you posted that you are motivated (in part at least) by revenge, don't do it.

You consented to the deception, lies and betrayal whilst it was happening. You won't lessen how you feel about that now that by telling.

The moment has gone. I do feel immensely sorry for his DP though. Generally one does deserve to know all the factors affecting key issues in a marriage so you can make decisions about your life on the basis of what is really happening in it.

The person who will be hurt the most if you do this will be their child - for that reason, you are going to have to be the bigger person here.

I know I'm to blame and I'm not saying that I don't deserve punishment. I'd probably feel better if she gave me a slap but I can't see it happening. Looks like I'll keep quiet.

I disagree with the child being hurt most. The child is 18 months old. OK, so I'm extrapolating and going a bit "Sliding Doors" here... But we know this guy is an arsehole. Quite possibly this child will be hurt more by a split later, or by no split at all but a desperately unhappy mother.

Who knows what decisions this woman is making now, based on her false assumption that she has a good marriage. She could be about to give up a good job to be a SAHM and bitterly regret loss of career and financial independence in 5 years time, when she discovers what he is. She could be TTC with man, and whilst I know we always say about not regretting our children (I say it of mine) she doesn't have the chance to think "actually, this is not a strong marriage, I will stick at one child until it is".

I am certainly projecting here. I had an inkling of infidelity, but wasn't ready to leave. But by having at least the info I had, I made decisions about NOT ttc #2, maintaining independence financially and starting to emotionally protect myself by being ready.

Whether the OP's motivations are pure or not (and they're not) I still think the arsehole's partner should be told. Directly, briefly, and with an apology.

And even if she chooses to stay with him, or disbelieves it entirely... Perhaps when he's deleting texts next year, or she finds an email for a dating site... Perhaps she won't accept the minimising, question whether she's too suspicious - because she'll have in her mind that she was told he was cheating before.

Telling her might seem like it's the thing that blew her world apart, but it isn't. Her partner did that when he had a cheap shag. She just didn't know it.

Just to add, My XH put me though a roller coaster of rubbish for years making me feel as if I was doing things wrong at times. I didn't realise it was due him being manipulative and taking his guilt out on me.
My DC seen me go through this and didn't thank him for it.

I'm not saying he's doing this to his DP but ...if he is, its not healthy for her or their DC. It's very easy to say, don't say anything cause it will hurt them. He's already hurt them, and compounding it by living a lie in front of her. I find that quite patronising.

And its not just not your fault Hurry, its squarely his fault too. He's is in the same house daily with his DP acting like he's done nothing wrong.

Some women would thank you, others wouldn't. It is thought provoking about the "decisions" scanario though...

I always thought that I would want to know. The shock of finding thousands of texts to OW on his mobile bills was just immense.....

But, I have tried to tell OW's husband and because my XH is his best mate of over 30 years, he chooses to believe that there is nothing going on.

You only want to tell to make yourself feel better, so I don't think you should tell her.

Do you know if this is a one off or if he has done it before? It also rings alarm bells that he got aggressive with you. He could be aggressive with his wife also, and you could place both her and yourself in danger by telling her.

Enjoy the experience and don't beat yourself up over it. The harridans on here will scream and shout but if we were meant to be monogamous, we wouldn't fancy other people

Simples! :-)

Have a look at "mel's" posting histrory for a clue about the motivation for that pile of wank.