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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP will not do any housework. Nothing can move him. what can I do?

372 replies

housework · 02/06/2013 09:31

DP has never done house work. Trying to get him to do it causes me immense stress as there are battles of words which are water off a duck's back to him but maker my heart beat and make me upset and frustrated.
We have moved to a larger house which now magnifies the issue.the conversation this morning went some thing like this:

Me: Now we've moved I really need yo to he as well he house is too big for just me to do.

Him: I told you we shouldn't have moved if you can't cope.

Me: I can cope but it's a fair and logical point that we support each other and share the housework.

Him: Oh I know why you're saying this, something to do with the toilet this morning.

Me: It's nothing to with anything except wanting to share the housework.

Him: I mowed the lawn yesterday.

Me: I'm talking about day to day housework.

Him: Is there something particular you want me to do?

Me: No I want to our to share the housework.

Him: don't ask me now. Why have you chosen now? Its because of the toilet isn't it.

Me: when is the time to ask? I don't want to ask. OK I want you to help with with the housework.

I can't believe I'm having this conversation again. He will not get a cleaner as I should do it all on my 2 days off.this man is highly respect d at work for his logic, ability to solve problems, see do afferent points of view etc but at home he can be an intractable pig. Anyone else think I can get him to share? Thanks for reading.

OP posts:
clam · 03/06/2013 20:52

noideaaboutanything
Hilarious posts! Well done. Grin

Fairenuff · 03/06/2013 20:53

Actually, I haven't told her to leave him. I suggested that she pee on his golf clubs but still waiting for op to get back to me on that one.

BigBoobiedBertha · 03/06/2013 21:00

Noideaaboutanything - your view is all well and good but does your husband have personal hygiene issues? Does he pee all over the toilet seat and expect you to clear it up? (I would say piss but you seem to have such 1950's attitude that you might have an attack of the vapours so I will stick to pee.)

Seriously, do you think it is acceptable for a grown man to not be able to use the toilet properly? I find that quite shocking.

The rest of the housework issues would not be so bad if this man had an ounce of respect for his wife but he doesn't. He holds her in contempt. He was goading her, if you read the OP, to take issue with him over the toilet. He has done it on purpose. If that is acceptable to you then you really need to get some self respect.

He wanted her to say that the toilet was the issue so he could say he would deal with that and then claim he did his fair share imo.

I don't normally tell people to LTB but this man is beyond the pale, and I don't think it is a man hating thread, lots of people have said their partners help out so men aren't the issue, this man's behaviour is. It is about supporting the OP.

And as I have said before the OP has 4 days of unpaid work a week, the husband has 2. What about dividing up the housework as a 2/3rds her to 1/3 him and then they might have a better balance and both of them might get some time to put their feet up instead of just the H.

Noideaaboutanything · 03/06/2013 21:01

Just going to make my DH a cup of tea BRB

AnyFucker · 03/06/2013 21:08

I haven't told OP to LTB either. I have simply said he is a cunt. And no-one deserves to live with a cunt. So make of that what you will.

Chubfuddler · 03/06/2013 21:15

I'll say what I think.

It's all very well telling the op to go on strike etc, put gaffa tape lines down rooms etc. I don't think that is going to have any kind of effect on a man who is as much of a cunt as her husband.

Do you know what I think he would do if she announced his clothes, empty beer bottles and piss would henceforth lie where they fell?

I don't think he'd have a damascian revelation.

I think he'd punch her in the face.

You sound scared of him to me op. that's the subtext I sense running through this.

onefewernow · 03/06/2013 21:27

AF that is really, really funny!

OxfordBags · 03/06/2013 21:34

THIS is what is man-hating: believing that it's normal and acceptable that a grown man not only can't go for a wee without pissing everywhere, but it incapable of then cleaning it up. That it is normal and acceptable for him to do so knowing his small daughter might have to confront it. Believing that you have to speak to men like they are hypersensitive small children in order for them to even pretend to have respect for you, their child and their home. Believing that men are somehow incapable of doing housework, or as good as women, or that it's normal for them to want to do less.

If someone levelled those accusations at women, it'd be outrageous misogyny off the scale. It's no less hateful, wrong and offensive when applied to men.

Presuming that men are capable, mature, respectful, pull their weight, see women as their equal, don't need ridiculous instructions and reminders about doing easy, simple tasks for their own benefit and that of their loved ones, can handle a bit of criticism and are continent, is true respect and love.

onefewernow · 03/06/2013 21:34

Anyway, I dont agree quite with that, Chubfuddler.

He might, it is true. Housework sharing was one of the issues my H and I fell out over in February, leading to him leaving in a temper. I let him back in a week later, but only after he found to his surprise that he wasnt the only one making that decision.

Anyway, he does the housework now, and as much as me, and after 20 years of not doing it. Funnily enough.

AF will confirm this!

AnyFucker · 03/06/2013 21:43

Indeed, OFN

It's not that these men can't do the shit work. They simply don't want to. They can certainly find a new enthusiasm for doing their share when confronted with an alternative lifestyle that doesn't suit them.

This only is possible though if there is a still a shred of decency lurking in there. That isn't the case for everyone acting like a cunt....some people really are cunts through and through and will escalate the abuse of their partner when threatened with an alteration in the status quo.

Only OP knows how much cuntdom is running through her husband's psyche.

pictish · 03/06/2013 21:47

I think what chubfuddler was trying to say in a showstopping way, is that this guy wouldn't learn a lesson from a strike...rather that he would probably take it upon himself to teach one.

'I think he would punch her in the face' means a strike would not work. Because of his values, he would see it as provocation and would feel entitled to react. Badly.

And I agree with her. When she points out that their house is now bigger and she expects help more than ever...he swiftly blames and critisises her for not being able to cope. He is not interested in taking any responsibility. He doesn't see why he should.

The guy's a fud.

Hegsy · 03/06/2013 21:48

My DH does more housework than me but not by much. I work 6 days he works 5, he does as much as possible when I'm out and he's in so we can enjoy our only full day off together. However I do most of the cooking and the bathrooms, happily, means he does the washing and litter trays.

OP I Have no idea how you can put up with this and feel so as that it seems many women do. Really hope you can reach a compromise, can you imagine if this was your DD? And what are you teaching her by allowing your H to treat you this way?

Fairenuff · 03/06/2013 21:58

Well quite. In this particular thread, I think the housework is actually the least of her problems.

verytellytubby · 03/06/2013 22:10

He sounds vile and weird.

Jaynebxl · 04/06/2013 04:40

Ok maybe I've missed something as I've not read every page, but isn't the point of you being part time so you can do household stuff? I work 3 days and DH works 5. Before our DC went to school my 2 days off were spent looking after them. However now they are both at school I get loads of jobs done in the house on my days off. We do have a cleaner to do the weekly mundane stuff but I do the extras while I'm at home. It seems to me that is what makes sense. We decided together that I would stick to part time once DC were both at school just so I could keep on top of things and neither of us would have to use the weekends to do lots of chores. This isn't because I'm the little wifey or anything like that, it is because I get two extra days at home a week. It is a logical division of labour. I can't see why the OP doesn't see it that way too, unless she spends her two days off at home with DC.

I wouldn't stand for anyone leaving wee anywhere though!

PicardyThird · 04/06/2013 07:08

Jaynebxl - there is a difference between getting housework done on your two days off (and I don't think the OP has told us whether her dd is at home or not - if she is then that renders the housework point moot, I think) and doing literally everything, even when both partners are at home (e.g. weekends). Not all housework can be shoehorned into two daytimes a week. Perhaps you can get regular cleaning jobs, a big shop, laundry and similar tasks done in that time, but what about the cooking, clearing up after meals, dishwasher, clearing up spills, feeding/walking/clearing up after pets, tidying... The OP is saying that her dp will not do any of this, at all. Which takes unacceptable to a whole new level. It means he treats her as his personal servant.

AnyFucker · 04/06/2013 07:11

Yes, Jayne, you missed something

Lweji · 04/06/2013 07:31

They eat all their meals on two days and the child is frozen the rest of the time too.

I'd be tempted to ask him if he wanted his arse wiped too and his teeth brushed for him or his hands washed or hair combed everytime he went to the bathroom. Plus try to feed him and wipe his mouth at the table.

Does he ever invite people in?

Grinkly · 04/06/2013 08:19

Sadly, what should be an enjoyable part of family life, bathing DD, putting her to bed and reading her a story, and, obviously, something which should be happily shared, assuming both parents are there in the evening, becomes another fought over chore. Why should only the mother do this whilst DH sits on his laptop or whatever.

Also, as mentioned above, the remembering everything for DCs, which is pe day? make sure their packed lunch is doable, brownies, cubs, relentless. The least a DH should be doing is helping with the housework.

Louise1956 · 04/06/2013 14:34

Do less yourself. if you find the new house too much for you, ease up on the cleaning. if you leave things, he may change and start doing more himself, or he may not, but either way you will be less tired. it isn't the end of the world if everything is not immaculate all the time.

Jaynebxl · 04/06/2013 15:10

I agree with you Picardy... On my working days we split what needs doing ... Usually I cook, we all clear up and DH does the bedtime routine. I just think sometimes some people seem a bit militant about splitting the work 50/50 when one is at home and one at work most of the time.

motherinferior · 04/06/2013 15:20

Louise, why on earth should she continue doing anything when her DH is doing bog-all?

OxfordBags · 04/06/2013 15:25

Jayne, things are shared 50-50 in our home not because I am militant about fairness, but because my DH respects me and would feel uneasy about not pulling his weight.

PostBellumBugsy · 04/06/2013 15:33

I read this stuff and feel so glad to be divorced!

For me, what is so depressing, is that you know once the OP raises an issue like this, their OH is very well used to being King of the Household, who should be accorded respect & veneration because he earns the most. He was already inclined that way & now HRH has no incentive to change.

There are so many threads like these on MN & I was once like the OP myself. It is all too late by the time you type a thread like this.

PBB wanders off, trying to work out how some women (herself included) make such a balls up of choosing a partner!

burberryqueen · 04/06/2013 15:38

f'fucks sake why does possession of a penis mean you get a household slave when you marry?
as for the pissing on the loo seat, it is downright odd, like a little boy playing with his willy, but much much worse as he is expecting YOU to clean it up, or his daughter to have to see it/sit in it. Gross and weird!
if you have two loos in the house buy some of those naff little loo signs and have 'girls' and 'boys' - then he can piss all he likes wherever he likes and you do not even have to go in there!