DP will not do any housework. Nothing can move him. what can I do?

[housework]

DP has never done house work. Trying to get him to do it causes me immense stress as there are battles of words which are water off a duck's back to him but maker my heart beat and make me upset and frustrated.
We have moved to a larger house which now magnifies the issue.the conversation this morning went some thing like this:

Me: Now we've moved I really need yo to he as well he house is too big for just me to do.

Him: I told you we shouldn't have moved if you can't cope.

Me: I can cope but it's a fair and logical point that we support each other and share the housework.

Him: Oh I know why you're saying this, something to do with the toilet this morning.

Me: It's nothing to with anything except wanting to share the housework.

Him: I mowed the lawn yesterday.

Me: I'm talking about day to day housework.

Him: Is there something particular you want me to do?

Me: No I want to our to share the housework.

Him: don't ask me now. Why have you chosen now? Its because of the toilet isn't it.

Me: when is the time to ask? I don't want to ask. OK I want you to help with with the housework.

I can't believe I'm having this conversation again. He will not get a cleaner as I should do it all on my 2 days off.this man is highly respect d at work for his logic, ability to solve problems, see do afferent points of view etc but at home he can be an intractable pig. Anyone else think I can get him to share? Thanks for reading.

I don't think splitting things 50/50 is necessarily fair if the OP doesn't work every day and the H does.

What sure as hell isn't fair though, is a husband who does nothing, not even take care of his own personal hygiene. We can quibble about the 'right' split of the household stuff until the cows come home but this pathetic man doesn't even come close to doing his share. On no measure of fairness is his behaviour acceptable.

The OP should be able to negotiate with her husband and be able to discuss things like this without being made to feel unreasonable, disrespected and some sort of lesser being. I have to agree, the lack of housework from the husband is the least of her worries.

I think the 50/50 thing refers to when they are both unencumbered by other tasks

I work part time and my DH work full time and earns s.hed loads more money. More domestic stuff falls to me, but DH , when he is here sorts laundry (my most hated task!) cooks cleans etc without any issue because
It's his house too
And
He loves and respects me, and I him.

For us it does, yes, AF. Once my Dh is home from work, then we share all the work. Obviously I don't leave the house like a tip, with my piss everywhere for him to attend to when he gets home.

I also take umbrage at the idea that parenting isn't working. If the OP has a pre-school child at home, then she is bloody working. I am a SAHM, and Dh works. He at leasts gets a lunch hour, tea breaks, can go to the toilet without an audience, etc., etc. My Ds is a v 'easy' kid, but I work as hard as my Dh, I just don't get paid for it. Bringing money in doesn't excuse anyone from not pulling their weight. What I do enables him to do what brings in that money.

I was referring to Jayne's comment that some people are militant about 50/50 split when one person is at home and the other works outside the home. I was only saying that the actual split or the hours worked are irrelevant really given that this man does nothing.

DH is not great in many ways, but he is too ashamed and embarrassed to leave the loo dirty - even doing a poo, he will clean the loo after. I can't imagine him missing the bowl for a wee. The only reason a grown man would miss when peeing is if he's too pissed, or wants to send a message to 'the cleaner'.

OP, your dh is vile.

This is what happened in our house today. I finished work at 3.30 and picked ds up from school at 3.45. We went to the supermarket. Then collected dd from school at 5.00 and went home for a cuppa.

Dh got home at 5.55 and in the last twenty minutes my kitchen, bathroom, living and dining room have been cleaned. How did all this cleaning get done, I hear you ask.

Well, there's me, dh, ds and dd and we took a room each. So what would have taken me 80 minutes to do on my own has taken us, as a family, just 20 minutes. No hassle, no fuss. Easy.

Dh is now cooking dinner.

Now, what I want to know is what happens when OP, and those women like her are ill. What if you need a stay in hospital, for example, who does the cooking, cleaning and childcare then?

some other female, of course

or when OP, or women like her, are well enough to stand upright with a duster in her hand then she catches up with all the shit that has built up in the days she couldn't stand upright

what a silly question

Motherinferior, well, I presume she still wants food, clean clothes, etc, and she can provide those, can't she? she can ease up on the less essential stuff, it will make her life easier. she can't force him to do housework if he doesn't want to, but she can do less herself and be less tired.

Well, she can cook her own meals and do her own washing (and for her DD, although that means doing her DP's share too). Not for him though.

I'll never understand people who a) even give the time of day to people who have so little respect for themselves and other people b) move in with them c) procreate with them.

Even if you didn't know it at first, surely it comes out when you move in together and then, well, dump the person who leaves piss/shite (yes, the last one featured a partner who expected his partner to clean up after his messy dumps) all over the loo and thinks wiping his own arse is someone else's job just because he works.

expat I agree, but I think it's like that frog analogy: if you dump a frog in a pot of boiling water the frog jumps out, but put the frog in cold water and crank up the heat slowly and the frog stays and dies.

Some people do a great job of hiding their twatness, although in the case of OP's DH I can't see how he could hide such monumental character flaws!

I wonder what happens with finances in relationships like this. In my experience men who act entitled about housework also act entitled about the money.

Also, to those who think its fair that anyone who works 3 days a week should do all the housework if their partner works 5 - presumably that means that if she started working 5 days a week the housework would miraculously be shared 50/50.

I doubt it would happen that way in the OPs house because that isn't the reason her P won't do any housework.

To answer Expat, because I do ask this of myself very often, sometimes the bad behaviour creeps up on you.

When I met my ex-H, I was young & fiesty & I didn't stand for any nonsense and I didn't tolerate any nonsense when we first got married, but then we had kids & life changed beyond all recognition. Neither of us coped very well but somehow, I coped better but I was depressed. All the fire was knocked out of me & in order to cope myself, I start trying to over-compensate for his lack of coping. 3 years down the line he was behaving like a complete ARSE, he had an affair & it was curtains.

So, you don't always start out like this but the dynamics in a relationship change & before you know it you've ended up enabling a man to behave badly - which makes you feel even more shit about yourself, than you did already!!!!

This is why these threads make me feel sad, because by the time you are moaning about him being a complete twat about housework, the patterns of behaviour are so entrenched & your own perspective is so way off kilter that I'm not sure if it is ever possible to get back to two equal people again.

What happens when the female in the set-up li this is ill? IME you finally get out of bed to a house in a far worse state than when you fell ill...but thieving kids have still been fed so the set-up"big man" expects a medal and files away the work he's done to throw in your face at a later date. Yes, Im bitter (sometimes)

What happens when the female in the set-up likeeping himthis is ill? IME you finally get out of bed to a house in a far worse state than when you fell ill...but the kids have still been fed so Lord Bountiful expects a medal and mentally files away the work he's done to throw in your face at a later date. Yes, Im bitter (sometimes)

One day I was due to go to work but had a rare bout of D&V so announced I'd be calling in sick.

My (blissfully now ex-) P responded to this by saying that if I was staying home he might as well go to work.

So what happens when he visits some other persons house? Can he manage to piss in the toilet or does he leave it in a mess?

Either get a cleaner if you don't want him to change or stand up for yourself.

It's not fair and also imparting a bad lesson to your child. Women are not lesser beings, here to serve the menfolk. Teach her that even though your DH is a man, he also has two arms and can do housework. It is not beneath him.

My DH helps in all the chores when he's finished work. He's not great at seeing the dirt but will clean the kitchen after tea or bring in the laundry or cook. Whatever needs to be done to keep the house in some order for ourselves and the children. Or he'll keep the dcs out of my way whilst I clean.

Many of us would not tolerate a sexist man like this for even a day.
My children's father probably on balance did a bit more than I did (I earned 10x more - out earning men does tend to put women in a better position as regards fairness at home).

Also depends on age of children - if you have 3 children under 5 on your own 2/5 week days you will not get much housework done/ If you have 3 children at school and you have 9 - 2.30 on 2 days a week then doing more than his is justified.

My solution? Work full time, out earn him and hire a cleaner and/or just do not do his stuff.Also his answer is what most people would give - what is you want done? The solution is allocation - eg my children's father did 100% of the washing and putting it away dn I did none at one stage and I did our tax returns; he took chilren to dentist for 17 years and I did children's school bags ready for next year. IN other words the other person has their own tasks rather than helping. Obviously there will also be shared jobs such as bed time stories for children and perhaps various nights you cook and othernights he does.

If he really won't change, then the only other thing that can change is you.

You could try explaining this to him in as non-confrontational way as possible. Try to show him that change will be a positive thing for both of you - ie you will be happier, your daughter will be happier, and he will find home life more satisfying. Change can be worked out between you.

Ask him if he thinks his daughter should be looking forward to cooking, cleaning and wiping up her boyfriend's piss in due course - is that what he really wants for her?

If that doesn't work then you have to be prepared to make changes yourself - drastic action! You may not have to leave but you could book yourself a week away leaving daughter with husband, and make sure you explain that you expect the house to be in a condition he himself would like to come back to in a reverse situation. Make sure you pee all over the toilet and bathroom floor before you go.

I think getting a cleaner will help you but it won't change the dynamic and could make things worse - you'll be checking the toilet anxiously before the cleaner arrives and he'll be using it as an excuse to do even less and to expect more from you.

Thanks again all. He has found this thread and asked me to point out that he doesn't s* all over the toilet which I appear to have implied and that dd is a 7 yr old not a baby. Idon't think I implied these things but anyway. Toilet has had no trace of yellow for last 2 days which is a boon and long may it continue. I've drawn upa list for us both which he agrees to 'in principle.'

I don't think I can justify a cleaner if I'm off for 2 days although there are a million plantation shutters to dust.
I would go full time but would need to find a new job in quite a specialised area. Have broached it at work but not happening till at least a year's time.