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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Am I right to be cross at him?

192 replies

RaRaZ · 30/05/2013 22:39

I don't know if I'm being reasonable or over-reacting, but I'm mad at my partner right now....

I was in A&E today and got confirmed as having a MC - basically, there's no hope any more and it's gone. It's very early days (4-5 weeks I think), but we were trying and I'm very sad about it. I'm also in a lot of pain and can barely walk even after codeine and hours in bed with a hot water bottle.

My partner knows about this...but is still down the pub with his friend at this time, with no sign of coming home any time soon. I didn't mind him going, but he met her at 5pm....and the original plan was that he'd be done by 8.30 or 9. Obviously he's still there and is expecting me to come and pick him up (didn't take enough money for a taxi, etc), even though he knows the state I'm in and I've been asking for an hour and a half when he'll done. Still no answer, but I did just get accused of being a grumpy bitch. Is it really that unreasonable to not want to drive (10-15 miles!) at this time of night to collect a drunk boyfriend who's gone back on our agreement when I've had a fuckin horrible day and I'm in shitloads of pain and just wanna cry??? He seems to think it is....but I'd never do this to him. Help?

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 30/05/2013 22:44

He sounds really, really awful, OP.

Could you possibly reconsider your future with him? He should be there to celebrate the good times and be a shoulder to lean on during the hard times. He's neither, is he?

ImperialBlether · 30/05/2013 22:44

I meant to say I'm really sorry about your miscarriage.

BrieMonster · 30/05/2013 22:45

I would be furious. And sad. My tolerance for that sort of thing is pretty low these days anyway but under your circumstances I think it's really shit behaviour. Maybe he's grieving too in his own way but I would expect him to be with me...

ImperialBlether · 30/05/2013 22:46

Oh Brie, he's not grieving. Not in any shape or form. He's having a drink with a female friend while his girlfriend suffers on her own. He's horrible.

BrieMonster · 30/05/2013 22:47

And yes I am sorry too. It's such a sad thing to go through no matter how early.

Cherriesarelovely · 30/05/2013 22:47

Oh dear, he sounds hideous. So sorry about your MC, I know it is very hard and very sad. Your DP is truly horrible. I'm afraid I would not want to be with someone who behaved like this. Are your family close by?

BrieMonster · 30/05/2013 22:48

I suppose what I meant was dealing with it by not dealing with it. That's some people's way. Not mine though and I need more than that from a partner.

Scruffey · 30/05/2013 22:49

He's either a total worthless bastard or has absolutely no understanding of how you are. Does he usually have a clue what's going on usually? It seems pretty straightforward to deduce that you are upset, in pain and in need of support but there are men about who honestly don't get it.

Sorry about your mc.

Beckamaw · 30/05/2013 22:49

Firstly, I am so sorry for your loss.

Switch off phone.
Go to bed.
Ignore the idiot.
Enough money to spend the evening drinking, but not enough for a cab?

You are in no fit state to be running around after a drunken twat.
Bloody hell, even without your hideous day and the pain, I'd still be switching the phone off at this point.

ChippingInWiredOnCoffee · 30/05/2013 22:51

I'm so very sorry about your MC :(

However, I think you should find the silver lining here. He has shown you what a complete bastard he is. Please don't stay with him.

SolidGoldBrass · 30/05/2013 22:51

Sorry you are feeling so bad, OP, but it may not be such a bad thing that this man has shown his true colours so clearly before you had DC with him. I would suggest you seriously consider dumping him as it sounds like he really isn't that bothered about you.

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 30/05/2013 22:51

I'd seriously consider not fetching him, tbh. It is appalling to me that he went to the pub at all...unless he is a serious alcoholic and would suffer insurmountable withdrawal symptoms if he missed a night of drinking. I can not think of any other excuse.

Tell him you are not coming so he will have a chance to get a ride with someone. Oh, the more I think aboutit the more I am getting angry for you.

I am so sorry for your loss. And I hope you get well soon.

AnyFucker · 30/05/2013 22:54

I am very sorry about your miscarriage

And I am sorry that you think this cruel bloke is a fit potential co-parent

Please see this your wake up call and dump this fucker from a great height

how is this in any way ok ?

AnyFucker · 30/05/2013 22:54

this as

fatedtopretend · 30/05/2013 22:55

So sorry for your loss OP.

I think there is no excuse for him really, when I had a completely unplanned mmc within the first few months of meeting the man I'm seeing who is technically not even my dp he cancelled everything and did everything he could to help me out!

This man is meant to be a partner, not someone who hides away from the rough stuff.

I hope you have a friend you can call to come over whilst you ignore him.

dreamingbohemian · 30/05/2013 22:57

DO NOT GO PICK HIM UP

Turn off phone, go to bed.

I'm so sorry.

AuntySib · 30/05/2013 22:58

That's really horrible. Having a miscarriage is awful, and you shouldn't have to go through that by yourself.
He should have been with you, hope you had someone there to hold your hand.
Please don't go out to get him. If you do, it implies that you don't mind being left in this state by yourself, and that you are physically fine. I can't imagine that you are in any state to drive safely, especially if you've been taking codeine, let alone the emotional trauma.
I'm sure he'll manage to get himself home one way or another, it's not really your problem. It's very unreasonable of him to be expecting you to look after him when he clearly can't be bothered to look after you at a time like this.
I'm so sorry for your loss, is there someone who can come and look after you?
If not, sending tlc your way.

notanyanymore · 30/05/2013 22:58

I'm so sorry for your lose OP, and sorry to also say I think from what you've said you need to leave this cretin.

AnnaClaudia · 30/05/2013 23:02

So sorry about your mc, you should be in bed resting. Let him find his own way home.

LilyAmaryllis · 30/05/2013 23:02

Don't go and pick him up. You need to be in bed with a hot water bottle. He can walk if necessary, seeing as he's not doubled up in pain.

I'm really sorry about the miscarriage, I found it really draining and painful. Look after yourself. You will get through this.

notanyanymore · 30/05/2013 23:03

I've just re-read your post OP, I'd missed the bit where you said your not sure if your being unreasonable or over reacting... YANBU!!!!! And if anything your under-reacting. Hope you have family/friends nearby to support you x

Titsalinabumsquash · 30/05/2013 23:04

Oh gosh, what a horrible, horrible man! Please do not leave your house to get him, stay warm in bed with a got drink and painkillers. I'm so sorry you're going through this alone, I'm really cross on your behalf. Take care of yourself.

Yearofme · 30/05/2013 23:04

When bad things happen, people show you their true colours.

Please reconsider having a baby with this man, is this how you want the rest of your life to be?

Yearofme · 30/05/2013 23:05

Oh and do not go and pick him up, turn off your phone. Could you ask your mum or a friend to be with you?

ThereGoesTheYear · 30/05/2013 23:05

So sorry for your loss.

You are not overreacting. Hes behaving appallingly. Put yourself in his shoes. Would you treat him the way he's treating you? I'm guessing he's got form for treating you with contempt, otherwise you wouldn't even have to ask about this one.

Don't collect him. You're unwell, in pain, grieving a MC and should not be running round after him at this time of night.

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