Am I right to be cross at him?

[RaRaZ]

I don't know if I'm being reasonable or over-reacting, but I'm mad at my partner right now....

I was in A&E today and got confirmed as having a MC - basically, there's no hope any more and it's gone. It's very early days (4-5 weeks I think), but we were trying and I'm very sad about it. I'm also in a lot of pain and can barely walk even after codeine and hours in bed with a hot water bottle.

My partner knows about this...but is still down the pub with his friend at this time, with no sign of coming home any time soon. I didn't mind him going, but he met her at 5pm....and the original plan was that he'd be done by 8.30 or 9. Obviously he's still there and is expecting me to come and pick him up (didn't take enough money for a taxi, etc), even though he knows the state I'm in and I've been asking for an hour and a half when he'll done. Still no answer, but I did just get accused of being a grumpy bitch. Is it really that unreasonable to not want to drive (10-15 miles!) at this time of night to collect a drunk boyfriend who's gone back on our agreement when I've had a fuckin horrible day and I'm in shitloads of pain and just wanna cry??? He seems to think it is....but I'd never do this to him. Help?

Whether you call it "manipulation" or not, that is just him abdicating responsibility for his own behaviour by the way, he is still an adult with a choice.

He chose to go out and get drunk with a friend rather than supporting you. And then he spent another evening with her telling her that if he had to chose between you and her, it would be you.

Most bizarre. Has he NO mind of his own?

Very convenient for him. Pointing fingers at the women in his life saying "she made me do it" How old is he, 4?

Something is not right though RaRaz, not right at all. Her comments about him to you, her distain for you, her stirring things... if he didn't get something out of the 'relationship' with her, if he weren't on some level emotionally invested, he would not have given her a second thought if you were ill, he would not have flown over there to have it out, he wouldn't have done, you know this.

Stand back, open your eyes, think. Watch and see all that is going on and listen to what your instincts tell you.

i don't know what is or isn't going on, but something is OFF. Her 'hold' on him is not right.

RaRaz, my first MMC was days before a flight to go and live abroad. They told me that I had to have a D&C or there was a risk I could start to actively MC, and potentially haemorrhage. I don't know about re-absorption, or much at all, but I do know they wouldn't let me fly.

The fact is that given the chance of being there fpr the loss of HIS baby and his supposed partner, he went boozing, and then hurried off to go BACK to this woman to tell her that she isn't as important to him as the woman who is at home with a medical condition, and needing support.

no, something is off. I'm sorry but it is.

As for her, she can sleep with whoever she likes, she may use protection. She is a bitch to you, and she deserves you cutting her off from FB, and no contact etc, but HE is the one that walked out of the door to be with her when you needed him NOT to. Judging her due to her sex life is unfair.

IF you think there could be an issue with them and sex, then get yourself tested, for your own health's sake and peace of mind.

I agree that something doesn't add up, if she's as foul as you say, why does he prefer her company?

Yeah, she can sleep with whoever she likes - as long as it's not my bf!! And I'm not judging her for who she sleeps with - I've never been a nun myself. I was just saying that because of her sexual behaviour, DP is very unlikely to be involved with her and, if he was, I'd need us both to get checked out as she lives a risky life STI-wise.

She's not 'foul' as you put it as a person or to HIM - I don't think she has much respect for their friendship, and I told him this a few days before the miscarriage, but he struggles to see it and forgives her when she lets him down.

Re the current situation, he's texted her to say that there'll be no more contact between them. He made it quite clear, and said that he couldn't defend someone who texted his gf when she was miscarrying and upset her. I asked him to get her to confirm receipt of this text, and she did - her response I think just confirmed her lack of respect and/or feeling for either of us. Here's what she said:

"I've got it, I understand picking her over me since you've pathetically been asked to, I told you yesterday to do that, but I think it's downright childish, but either way I'll always be here for you cos that's what friends do and these days I think you ought to think about who you've got to fall back on because slowly but surely you're losing them. Keep safe and happy both of you, I genuinely hope it works. Can't believe it's come to this as 3 adults, but I'm not the one who will regret it. As I said before, stay safe, be happy, and I'll see you around x"

(I've changed the text language for proper spellings and added some punctuation so it's readable, but other than that it's exactly as she sent it.)

I know what I think... but what do YOU think??

She is foul, to shout abuse at a woman going through an MC, i'd have sympathy even for my worst enemy if she was going through that, she just doesnt care and was probably glad, harsh at it sounds.

Now shes trying to deflect it, knowing she shouldnt have hurled abuse at you.

So he went and had a final drink with her to end it? And then there was a final text, to end it?

(Also, I used the term 'foul' to summarise the things you've said about her, e.g. "filthy creature" and someone "who's slept around").

What vivacia said.
So all your info on her has pretty much come from him (that she's slutty) and all her info on you has come from him too .. and I'd like to know what he'd said to her that night you were miscarrying too

I think he's thriving on it tbh and I very much doubt that he won't contact her again.
Sorry :(

there is a term that sometimes gets used on threads here where a H cheats, or has someone in the mix that is mucking things up.

That person is deemed as Not a Friend of the Relationship. That is the way to describe this woman. Your DP has a friend who doesn't respect you, him, or your relationship, she is clearly jealous, disrespectful and always has been.

She told him that he should pick you over her, and deemed that a pathetic act on his part. saying that he had been told to, but that it wasn't what he wanted.

WTF DID he say last night?, cos it doesn't sound like he 'Had It Out' with her. I find the pick over language interesting too. Not Put your GF first, not prioritise your relationship over a friendship, but a clear statement from her that she considers her presence in his life as equal to yours.

Why the mad dash over there AND a text? Too much, way too much. No-one in real life does this.

I say again, if your instincts are or have ever tripped over this woman, listen to them.

Oh and FWIW, the one that upset you last night was HIM. he did that first. SHE merely took advantage of the situation that HE created and poured fuel onto that fire.

I'd dump the wanker to be honest. He's not there for you, not really. He may have done some nice things in the past, but BOY did he fuck up this HUGE one here, and is he playing with this ridiculous friendship with someone who clearly doesn't want you in HIS life.

A decent boyfriend would tell a mate to wind it in, STFU and do one if they couldn't at least be polite.

Tbf, I told him he wasn't welcome back here until he'd got it all finished with her and she understood not to contact him or me again - so him texting her today was at my request (I told him I didn't want him to see her, but he could get in touch via phonecall, text, or FB to tell her he wasn't having anything more to do with her), and I'm glad he did. I think she's pretty mad now -and good.

He didn't have a final drink with her btw - he drove over yesterday to tell her how she'd made me feel and that it was unacceptable to behave like that.

Ok, so she's well and truly told. Just your partner to deal with now.

But he was WITH her when she was treating you like that! Why didn't he tell her to FTFO then?

Why did he have to go over there?

Why THEN another text?

And there you are, using the words finished with her?

So he IS in a relationship WITH her then?

Her reaction is that of a spurned woman. It also shows how she feels justified to have done what she did. No remorse, only calling him pathetic, hen pecked and cuckolded.

Any FRIEND would have used the previous expressions I suggested, they'd have seen what a mistake it was, and there would have been an apology, if nothing else, to HIM, for upsetting her supposed friend to such an extent that he has to terminate the friendship.

AM I overthinking this?

If I have to tell the man in my life to do right by me..he's not my man.

When did this woman have the convo with your DP about picking you over her? She says in her text 'I told you to do that last night'.
I would like to hear the conversation between them that lead to that.
Why were they discussing an either/or situation?
I know you're blinded by love right now Op but I can't help but feel this is a pivotal moment in this relationship and not a good one.
I think he has been playing you two off against each other.

Everything you know about her is what he told you.
Everything she knows about you is what he told her.
You both have resentment towards each other.
Common denominator here is 'D'P.
He managed to make you losing your baby all about him and his stupid 'friend'.
I think the slutty lifestyle etc is a red herring.
I'm sorry but if he hasn't shagged her, it's on the cards.
Thats what I think anyway.

Honestly OP he sounds like such a twat.
There is nothing tying you to him, just get rid of him

FGS, are you blinkered:

"he drove over yesterday to tell her how she'd made me feel and that it was unacceptable to behave like that."

IT WAS NOT HER! IT WAS YOUR DP OUT ON THE LASH WITH HER. It was him doing this!! It was him behaving unacceptably! Why do you refuse to understand this??

I refuse to understand it because I can't accept it....he's never been anything but perfect before, and he's apologised and is trying his best to make it right. I said he could go out and we both knew he'd have been no use to me had he come home as I just went home and slept for hours. The problem started when he was difficult about coming home, but I know he was a bit drunk by that point and I know that his friend was twisting everything and making it seem like I was being unreasonable. Yeah, he should have known better and yeah it's his fault, but it's not normal/usual/typical for him to behave like that at all, and he has done his best to rectify it. I don't want to throw away everything we've got on one stupid night. We all do stupid things sometimes.

RaRaZ, you should make it clear to him, that letting you down in that way again means its game over, atleast he knows that it was a heartless thing to do, and its up to him to make sure he doesnt let you down like that again.

Sorry to put it blatantly. You have a weak cowardly partner, who is cheating on you. He is going to this "friend" and playing the victim and at the very least talking trash about you. Your partner has been previously "perfect". It's easy to be lovely when the good times roll. You have a miscarriage and he is tripping the light fantastic with a woman who is disrespectful of you. You are what my Jamaican family would say "not used to nothing", meaning the bad treatment that you have had in the past makes you unduly grateful for what in normality is called basic benevolence. Somebody treating a love partner nicely does not deserve a cookie. It is a basic requirement. You have only been with him a year. You will not be throwing away "everything that we've got". You haven't got anything apart from you who has low self esteem and a very manipulative man, who is also manipulating the other woman. If having a miscarriage and having your partner go AWOL has YOU acting like the loving helper, then I will have to send out all my blessings to you, because you will need them. Another Jamaican saying: "If you can't hear, you will feel". Take all of this good advice. It will be harder to leave (with your mindset) if you get pregnant again. This man knows your weaknesses (" I want to be treated better than in the past!") and is roleplaying with you. When "real" stuff happened where was he? Furthermore, he wasn't being stupid by going out on the lash. He was being wicked and selfish. Look after yourself, you've suffered a loss. Don't be mothering your partner and raise your standards (before you even think of getting pregnant again). Then you will see that your man is not one.

RaRaz, why was he in the pub in the first place? Why wasn't he with you?

OP, please re-read what Stooshe wrote - great post.

Jengnr, to be fair the OP has explained. I think it was along the lines that her medical problems, which eventually led to the miscarriage, had started days earlier. On the night he went out, she'd come home and just wanted to be in bed.

stooshe, great post.

I thought this about another thread on a similar topic. There is no excuse for a man not being there to help the woman he impregnated when she is miscarrying. Even if he doesn't love her. Even if it was a one-night-stand. It's his responsibility. I plan to teach DS that if he has sex with someone he shares any consequences of that action. When I was at college I failed to persuade my boyfriend to accompany me to the doctors for the MAP. He failed to persuade me to ever have sex with him again.

I get that you don't want to think of him as a shit but please at the very least this experience should teach you that your relationship is not suitable for a pregnancy. Please hold off trying for a baby even if you intend to stay. So sorry that this shit is what you have to think about at the moment too, that itself is totally wrong. :(

I think it is worrying that you describe yourself as 'knowing' anything about her. I would like to re-iterate that you have never met each other and therefore know nothing about each other. The communications that you have had have been influenced by your p who is in the middle of each of you.

It is beyond worrying whatever the truth is; either your p is perfectly comfortable having friends that hate you and abuse you and needs you to tell him this is bad- wtf? Or he is in the middle of you whipping you both up to hate each other- wtf?

I don't believe it was fine him going to the pub, even if you say you needed to sleep your op stated you were going to be required to drive to pick him up so you couldn't have even slept/rested could you?

I think you really need to understand what he has done;

It was not ok for him to go to the pub (and I bet it was his idea)

It was not ok for him to maintain a friendship with someone who hates you, he doesn't know/feel this and therefore it is HIM who is "not a friend of the relationship". Honestly I'm pretty beyond most people's comfort zones in how my husband and I conduct friendships but if one of my friends hated my husband I'd be upset with them and wouldn't want to spend time with them.

It was not ok for him to choose a night out with said friend who apparently hates you in these circs even if a night out could be tolerated.

It was not ok from a safety POV for him to stay out knowing his phone had died.

It was not appropriate for him to go and see her in person (you shouldn't need to instruct him over that 'friendship' anyway) and from her text he has clearly gone round and said "boo hoo, rara is such a drama llama and I'm afraid to upset her, she's being totes unreasonable AGAIN and telling me I can't see you " hence the contents of the text.

I don't think you have your eyes open to this situ and therefore I doubt you will be able to keep eyes open in future.

Yes, we don't know you, please don't think you need to prove the world wrong, more important to really take a long hard look at him and think about whether he really is treating you well. I agree with the poster who says if this has happened over something important and after such a short time together it is an indicator that this is what you can expect in future.