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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Am I right to be cross at him?

192 replies

RaRaZ · 30/05/2013 22:39

I don't know if I'm being reasonable or over-reacting, but I'm mad at my partner right now....

I was in A&E today and got confirmed as having a MC - basically, there's no hope any more and it's gone. It's very early days (4-5 weeks I think), but we were trying and I'm very sad about it. I'm also in a lot of pain and can barely walk even after codeine and hours in bed with a hot water bottle.

My partner knows about this...but is still down the pub with his friend at this time, with no sign of coming home any time soon. I didn't mind him going, but he met her at 5pm....and the original plan was that he'd be done by 8.30 or 9. Obviously he's still there and is expecting me to come and pick him up (didn't take enough money for a taxi, etc), even though he knows the state I'm in and I've been asking for an hour and a half when he'll done. Still no answer, but I did just get accused of being a grumpy bitch. Is it really that unreasonable to not want to drive (10-15 miles!) at this time of night to collect a drunk boyfriend who's gone back on our agreement when I've had a fuckin horrible day and I'm in shitloads of pain and just wanna cry??? He seems to think it is....but I'd never do this to him. Help?

OP posts:

Loulybelle · 31/05/2013 15:44

He let you down badly, choosing to drink rather than be with at a very bad time, a real man would be home, stroking your hair and grieving this loss as a couple.

You do sound in denial, forget her, he let you down.

Lweji · 31/05/2013 15:44

I think, from what you say, that he should distance himself from her.
If you explain why you don't like her, perhaps you should ask yourself why he keeps that relationship.

SuzySuzSuz · 31/05/2013 15:45

We've only ever had a big argument when he's been out drinking with her - there's something about her that seems to goad him into becoming a totally different person and one with very little respect for me and my feeling

Quite a few parts of your post are about her, her being the problem, her doing this or that - but what is your DP doing during all this? He's a grown ass man who is accountable for his own actions, this woman is not some wicked sorceress who casts a spell making him act like a nasty piece of work...

Thankfully, apart from DP being someone who despises cheating in any form, his friend is the opposite of me in most ways and also very overweight and extremely slutty - two characteristics DP finds a major turn-off. I think I'm safe there!

Be careful of famous last words, the relationships board is full of horrible examples of men 'despising cheating' turning around and doing just that.

Loulybelle · 31/05/2013 15:47

Oh yes Suzy, its normally the men who despise cheating who actually cheat.

My ex said cheating was awful and if you wanted to sleep around, be single.............guess what he did.

ImTooHecsyForYourParty · 31/05/2013 15:48

I am sorry that you lost your baby. I hope he is being a better person today than he was yesterday.

This friend of his didn't make him do anything he didn't want to do. That's the top and bottom of it. He acted the way he did because he wanted to. People are responsible for their own choices and actions. I know it's less painful to convince yourself that she is somehow making him treat you in this way, but it's not true. It was his choice.

SirRaymondClench · 31/05/2013 15:49

Agree with Cluffy. If your DPs friend is causing so many problems, why hasn't he told her to fuck right off yet? Why is he still hanging out with her especially last night?
I think he has done a real number on you.
Oh and the ones who 'despise cheating in any form' and 'she isn't my type', they are the ones to watch out for.

Xales · 31/05/2013 16:01

I agree with the others.

She did not hold a gun and force him to sit in the pub drinking with her. He chose to do this knowing what you were going through and expecting you to go and pick him up or you would be the unreasonable one.

This is his attitude to you.

That he still goes drinking etc with her when he knows full well that she is shitting all over your relationship and trying her best to destroy it shows you where you and your relationship sit in his list of important things.

Pretty low.

Why do you not think you deserve better than a man like this?

DuchessFanny · 31/05/2013 16:10

I'm very sorry to hear about your miscarriage, many of us have been there and know how grim it is ...
I'm still concerned for you that instead of seeing your DP as insensitive and a bit cruel ( to go out AT ALL let alone with this bitchy girl) you think she is the problem - which is very convenient for him, I have to say !! Don't let him think he can treat you how he likes, then merrily blame someone else ...

ImTooHecsyForYourParty · 31/05/2013 16:17

True.

It's so important that the OP really understands that the normal reaction of a man when told that his partner has lost their baby is to drop everything and leg it to them. To be with them. And stay with them. Because nothing matters more at that moment. Not a beer, not a female friend, not a night out, nothing.

It is not normal for them to shrug their shoulders and not give a shit, stay out with some woman friend and expect their partner to come fetch their drunken arse from the pub and then have a bloody go at them and call them grumpy!

It's not normal. It's not the reaction of a loving man whose partner has that day had a miscarriage.

It's a really bad situation for the OP to be in.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 31/05/2013 16:19

Sometimes when you're in a situation and thinking, "Well, I am being quite rational, we're talking very openly about my concerns, he doesn't get it so there can't be a problem", it's like an irritation gnawing at you, and the other party is somehow aloof, "I see no problem?", or affects puzzlement because it's just all in your head.

When actually, the truth is so big, so obvious, it's not you imagining it, it's not you forming problems out of nothing: he knows full well and a 3rd party shouldn't have this much influence on him and you're right in the eye of the storm.

He knew what was happening and still called you a Grumpy bitch? Did she goad him into that?

lottiegarbanzo · 31/05/2013 16:53

One thing I'd throw in, though it's a bit beside the point, is this. I think this was your first MC and, because people don't talk about MC, it's hard to know what one is going to be like.

The only 'excuse' that provides is not knowing how physically painful it is, so not understanding that you shouldn't be driving. I know I was surprised at the amount of pain and mess and the fact that I'd have needed to be off work for three days. I was planning to go out one evening and only cancelled at the last minute, when I recognised it just wasn't possible, as I couldn't sit on a chair for long enough and would have been going to the loo frequently and possibly leaking. No idea!

The emotional reaction is so much more to do with shared hopes, so much harder to excuse ignoring.

BarredfromhavingStella · 31/05/2013 17:15

Your last post is a definite indication of being in denial, his friend isn't forcing him into anything-he's an adult & needs to start acting like one.

pictish · 31/05/2013 17:20

It's not his friend's fault. Much as it suits you (and possibly him as well) yo lay the blame at her doot, it's him that fucked off out and left you to it, not her.

If he is so weak as to be led by the nose by her, that is also his fault.

pictish · 31/05/2013 17:21

to and door

pictish · 31/05/2013 17:23

And she certainly doesn't make him be a different person either. He chooses to be.

AnyFucker · 31/05/2013 17:24

Dear oh deary me

OP, you are being very foolish. This "relationship" is going to cause you a heap more pain. Don't say you haven't been warned.

Original poster

RaRaZ · 31/05/2013 18:05

I thought you'd say that, and trust me, I do understand where you're coming from (I've had one abusive relationship before, and I told myself I'd never let anyone treat me like that again) - but at the same time, he's been good to me since we met. I was pretty damaged and unconfident from the Bastard Ex, and he took his time with me, didn't judge me for anything, and accepted everything. Mebbies that's just what a good person should do, but it was a nice novelty for me. And he's been there for me through a lot of crap with the recent TOP and subsequent hospital stays, infections, and operation. He's taken time off work to be with me in hospital and he's been there catching my vomit in bowls, holding my hair, and taking me to the toilet when I was too weak to stand unaided. A lot of my friends have said that their DPs are too funny with bodily fluids to have done that, so I think I'm lucky with mine and his willingness to be there and deal with it when I've been vomiting, bleeding, or leaking fluid.

And he's honestly the nicest and most fun person I've ever been involved with. We have a good laugh, we bounce off each other perfectly, and he's everything I'm not and vice versa. We very rarely argue, and he's the sort of person who will buy me flowers and leave them for me to find when I come in from a long shift at 4am with a note attached saying he loves me.

He's been a bastard this time, for sure, but I don't really wanna write him off on one occasion, especially when we've been through so much together and have so much still planned. We've had a good long talk and I made him read this as I said, and he's very sorry for what he did. Part of it is the friend's fault in that, once his phone died, she was free to manipulate the situation. I've explained that and got my point across now - with the help of you wise people and your comments on here. DP understands that he needs to get it sorted to my satisfaction or he's out. He's said he wants to speak to his friend in person to sort it that way, and I think he may be doing so tonight. I'll keep you posted.

OP posts:

Original poster

RaRaZ · 31/05/2013 18:07

Re the MC, I'm feeling very empty inside and like I'm 'not a proper woman'. I know that's crap, but I just can't help but feel that women are essentially here to produce babies and that I've failed in that. I feel pretty numb, like I'm watching my life on TV rather than actually living it. And wondering if I'm not enough for DP (through no fault of my own, I understand) isn't helping - I'm wondering wtf this friend of his has or does that's got such a hold over him, especially when he doesn't really spend that much time with her, often cba to meet up with her, and claims he's never been attracted to her.

OP posts:

QuintessentialOldDear · 31/05/2013 18:09

So he is out again tonight to see her???

What is going on? Is he now manipulating you to get another night out with his friend on the pretext to tell her to keep out?

SirRaymondClench · 31/05/2013 18:10

So he saw her last night and now he is seeing her again tonight? Hmm what exactly does he expect to be the outcome of their friendship? Why does he need to see her in person if she tried to fuck over your relationship? If my friend did that, they'd be gone.

AnyFucker · 31/05/2013 18:11

Who are you trying to convince, love?

I dunno if it's working for anyone else, but I remain completely unmoved

Loulybelle · 31/05/2013 18:12

Do you see "MUG" written on your forehead OP, coz its there.

Original poster

RaRaZ · 31/05/2013 18:12

Dunno who I'm trying to convince... :-/ Mysel, I hope?

Yeah, he's going to see her - but on my request that he gets it sorted out for once and for all so I don't have it playing on my mind all throughout a 12-hour shifts tomorrow. He certainly won't be drinking with her.

OP posts:

SirRaymondClench · 31/05/2013 18:14

Why isn't he just telling her to fuck right off?

Original poster

RaRaZ · 31/05/2013 18:18

I'm hoping he will. He's just left to drive over and have it out with her.

OP posts:

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