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Original poster

Am I right to be cross at him?

192 replies

RaRaZ · 30/05/2013 22:39

I don't know if I'm being reasonable or over-reacting, but I'm mad at my partner right now....

I was in A&E today and got confirmed as having a MC - basically, there's no hope any more and it's gone. It's very early days (4-5 weeks I think), but we were trying and I'm very sad about it. I'm also in a lot of pain and can barely walk even after codeine and hours in bed with a hot water bottle.

My partner knows about this...but is still down the pub with his friend at this time, with no sign of coming home any time soon. I didn't mind him going, but he met her at 5pm....and the original plan was that he'd be done by 8.30 or 9. Obviously he's still there and is expecting me to come and pick him up (didn't take enough money for a taxi, etc), even though he knows the state I'm in and I've been asking for an hour and a half when he'll done. Still no answer, but I did just get accused of being a grumpy bitch. Is it really that unreasonable to not want to drive (10-15 miles!) at this time of night to collect a drunk boyfriend who's gone back on our agreement when I've had a fuckin horrible day and I'm in shitloads of pain and just wanna cry??? He seems to think it is....but I'd never do this to him. Help?

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 31/05/2013 18:21

I'd like to be a fly on the wall for that conversation......

Jengnr · 31/05/2013 18:25

You had a miscarriage and he fucked off to the pub.

Then called you a grumpy bitch when you wondered where he was almost three hours after he said he'd be back.

Forget about the friend for a minute, what kind of cunt does the first bit? Let alone the second.

FaithLehane · 31/05/2013 18:32

Let me get this straight...yesterday you started to miscarry, whilst this was going on your "D"P was out drinking with another woman supposedly a "friend" who took it upon herself to start texting you loads of shit about your relationship whilst you're miscarrying? Your "D"P never bothered coming straight home to look after you and support you, but instead stayed out with this "friend". And tonight he's going out AGAIN with this "friend" whilst you're at home still recovering ALONE from your miscarriage?

Can I ask what exactly you get out of this relationship? Because all I can see is a bloke who's having his cake and eating it, whilst you are left going through something as traumatic as a miscarriage all alone. He's an utter twat, and you deserve much better.

I'm very sorry for your loss, btw. Thanks

Original poster
RaRaZ · 31/05/2013 18:39

Kinda, yeah. Though I started to miscarry on Monday and had it confirmed yesterday. I didn't mind him going to the pub as there wasn't anything he could do (when I left him in town, all I wanted to do was go home and sleep) and I wasn't any more upset than I'd been for two days as I'd known in my heart what was happening inside of me. I developed a problem with it when he didn't get finished when he was supposed to and when his friend was nasty to me via text. She hadn't known I was mid-MC as I'd asked him not to tell her, but I responded to one of her texts saying that before she went off on one, could she bear in mind that I'd just MC'd, was in a lot of pain and could barely stand up, and I was still coming to get DP. She completely ignored the MC bit and continued to have a go. I thought that was pretty heartless - I don't know her, so I'd hardly expect hugs and sympathy, but I think it takes a very cold woman to hear something like that from another and still continue to be nasty to them.

He's gone to see her now as I insisted he got it sorted before tomorrow so it's not playing on my mind at work - I've got enough what with having to tell them about the MC I think.

Up till now, I've got loads out of the relationship: love, support, friendship, laughter, sex, emotional support, hours of talk, plans for a baby....etc etc. He's not been like this before. I know that doesn't excuse it, but hopefully it does explain to you why I'm with him - I'm certainly not normally treated badly (the worst he's done before would be to spill coffee on the carpet/etc).

OP posts:
Vivacia · 31/05/2013 18:41

What needs sorting out? He just doesn't see her again, it's that simple. If I were you I certainly wouldn't get involved with any contact with her.

Vivacia · 31/05/2013 18:42

What are you hoping comes from his meeting with her tonight?

Original poster
RaRaZ · 31/05/2013 18:49

I'm hoping he'll tell her - without allowing her to interrupt or twist things - that she was wrong to get involved, that she upset me, and that HE (as in DP) is annoyed/upset with her about that. She needs to hear that HE ( not I) think what she did is wrong.

I'd like him to break off contact with her, but I doubt that will happen. I hope, though, that he will tell her they can no longer get drunk together and that she must not attempt to contact me again for any reason, or he will break off contact with her. Guess I'll find out soon enough... :-/

OP posts:
Vivacia · 31/05/2013 18:52

Hmmm. They're not very strict limits really. I feel bad for you, but I guess we just have different expectations of our partners and I'm judging yours by my standards, not yours.

I know you listed all of the attention and care he gave you earlier, but I would expect that and more. I certainly wouldn't expect him to be friends with someone who was so unkind towards me. I wouldn't expect him to be out drinking when I was in such a state.

dreamingbohemian · 31/05/2013 19:26

How long have you two been together?

Original poster
RaRaZ · 31/05/2013 19:29

A little less than a year - we got together June or July last year. We've known each other about five years though - we used to work together and I trained him when he came new to my place of work and I was supervising. We kept in touch throughout the intervening years (when I went of travelling and then to make the biggest mistake of my life by going to uni), and finally met up for a drink last year and ended up falling for each other.

OP posts:
dreamingbohemian · 31/05/2013 19:52

Ok, I ask because that's actually not very long. I understand he's done some great stuff for you but that's the kind of thing that happens in the first year, when everything is new and exciting and you're so in love. I think it's too early to make any assumptions about whether you can really count on him long-term.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 31/05/2013 19:57

Re: feeling empty inside - it's a shame you have to be thinking about DP and his friend when in fairness to yourself, you need some time to grieve. Feelings you have about your mc shouldn't be subsumed by worrying about what hold that other female has over DP.

Don't put pressure on yourself to be right as rain. You don't have to prove anything to anyone else. Can you talk to close family or a friend? DP might not know what to say or think it's best to give you time, I don't think it's asking him too much to put you first for now.

SirRaymondClench · 31/05/2013 20:00

How long have you been together?
I'm stunned he would allow a situation to develop where this woman was giving you shit while you are MC. Why was she kicking off at you?

SirRaymondClench · 31/05/2013 20:05

Sorry x-posted

Xales · 31/05/2013 20:13

You are in denial Sad

It is not her it is him

Good luck.

Sorelip · 31/05/2013 20:35

It's already been said, but when bad things happen, people show their true colours. He has shown you his.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

StuffezLaYoni · 31/05/2013 20:42

Oh mate. You don't have very high expectations, do you? Sad
You say he's clearly not interested in this woman as she's "slutty and overweight" but he chose to piss it up with her while you were miscarrying your baby? I actually want to cry at your perception of normal.

SirRaymondClench · 31/05/2013 20:51

Op what time are you expecting him back?

Ashoething · 31/05/2013 21:01

I am sorry about your msc-they are shit. But men don't like over "over weight,slutty" women? Puuurleeeeeeeeeeeese!!!

BarredfromhavingStella · 31/05/2013 21:01

The shit that people tolerate truly astounds me Hmm So sorry for you regardinging the MC, but even more sorry for the future you have with this twat of a man if you stick with him...

BarredfromhavingStella · 31/05/2013 21:03

Wtf happened to my regarding ??? Have only had one bloody Wine as well...

Corygal · 31/05/2013 21:10

Dear Lord, what more do you need to LTB? Printed posters from a public campaign begging you to ditch him outside the bedroom window?

You poor, poor lady - what a horrible time you have had. Use this as the stepping stone to a better life.

Yearofme · 31/05/2013 21:24

Is he back yet OP, I went through a very similar situation, but it was his mother not his friend Hmm if you don't come first when you're miscarry ing his baby then you never will.

Please stop justifying and ratili

Yearofme · 31/05/2013 21:27

Is he back yet OP? I went through a very similar situation, but it was his mother not his friend Hmm if you don't come first when you're miscarry ing his baby then you never will.

Please stop justifying and rationalising his behaviour. It's not normal.

If someone's behaviour needs an explanation, then they shouldn't be behaving in that way.

This site opened my eyes to what was going on in my relationship, my situation was very similar, PM me if you want.

You deserve better than this.

Offred · 31/05/2013 21:29

I have been through similar with an ex. Very sorry, truly, truly terrible of him.

You have not met her?

The alarm bells that are ringing here (apart from the absolutely heartless behaviour in not coming home, esp after phone died - what if you hemorrhaged? how would he be contacted?) are that you know she dislikes you and he still wants to hang out with her.

Sounds very much to me like he is playing you off against each other.

Completely agree with the others who said disgusted with cheating and "urgh fat and slutty" means nothing and may mean covering for cheating.

Stop blaming her. It is him.