Am I right to be cross at him?

[RaRaZ]

I don't know if I'm being reasonable or over-reacting, but I'm mad at my partner right now....

I was in A&E today and got confirmed as having a MC - basically, there's no hope any more and it's gone. It's very early days (4-5 weeks I think), but we were trying and I'm very sad about it. I'm also in a lot of pain and can barely walk even after codeine and hours in bed with a hot water bottle.

My partner knows about this...but is still down the pub with his friend at this time, with no sign of coming home any time soon. I didn't mind him going, but he met her at 5pm....and the original plan was that he'd be done by 8.30 or 9. Obviously he's still there and is expecting me to come and pick him up (didn't take enough money for a taxi, etc), even though he knows the state I'm in and I've been asking for an hour and a half when he'll done. Still no answer, but I did just get accused of being a grumpy bitch. Is it really that unreasonable to not want to drive (10-15 miles!) at this time of night to collect a drunk boyfriend who's gone back on our agreement when I've had a fuckin horrible day and I'm in shitloads of pain and just wanna cry??? He seems to think it is....but I'd never do this to him. Help?

Welshnat : THANKYOU for an alternative perspective. I'm really glad you got your happy ending, and I hope I can have one too. May I ask: what are DV and EA??? I'm not too clued up on the abbreviation.

I think you're (partly) right over why he was drinking. He was disappointed over the MC, and it muddled things a bit as he deeply regrets the earlier TOP and was, like me, hoping for a second chance.

Vivacia : Drama? There won't be any drama. We do however have friends that we confide in and whose opinions we trust and who know us well. That doesn't for a moment mean that there'll be any 'taking sides' or fighting or embellishment of stories - just that we're having a weekend separate with our separate best friends for a bit of girl time in my case and boy time in his.

So you've just let him off then? I cannot for the life of me understand how you can forgive him for being so cruel.

Welshnat's relationship probably survived because she did the break thing.

Consequences.

Men don't learn with out seeing what they will lose.

.. and if your friends say what the majority on here have said? What will you do then?

Even if your friends are all the soul of discretion, why talk about this if it's all sorted? If my partner had let me down, but we'd come through it, I wouldn't want my friends to know.

Right Viv.
RaRaZ, a weekend's time spent apart for girl time/guy time is not taking a break from the relationship. You, of course, may pretend it is, but that does not make it so. Effectively, no consequences for his behavior.

To be fair, and you seem too centered on fairness with your partner, now that you have made excuses for his behavior and chosen to forgive him, understand that having "reset" the relationship means the events of the last week are not even part of your relationship history any more. Are you now prepared to never refer to your mc experience ever again to him? Because in fairness, it would now be a forbidden topic.

His friend isn't remotely what he goes for, and there's no reason why he would 'lower' himself to that when he could easily pick up someone he actually found attractive.

This is hilarious. I spent a significant portion of my time recently running away from a handsome married man who wouldn't leave me alone. His wife is actually beautiful and I'm overweight and probably very unattractive.... to a shallow woman. My personality is lovely though. Maybe that's it?

What I want my partner to discuss with his friend is whether he actually wants a relationship or just thinks he does. He believe he does and I've always believed that too, but last Thurs shook things up a bit and made me question him. I want him to talk things over with the person who knows him best apart from me and work out what he really wants so we know that if he comes home wanting this, we can make it work.

As for me, I need support from a woman - I think only another woman can really understand what it's like to carry a life inside you and then lose it. My friend has been amazing with me and I'm very much looking forward to a hug and some support in person. I'll tell her that we argued and roughly what happened because we have that kind of friendship. I won't badmouth my partner; I'll just present the facts as they are. I doubt my friend would suggest that I leave him, but if she did, I'd certainly bear that in mind as she knows me inside out and knows dp to some extent too. I also know that what she wants more than anything at the moment is for me to be ok again.

Andtheband : I'm not sure. If you mean the WHOLE mc experience being a forbidden topic, then it's not at all - I'm by now means recovered physically nevermind emotionally, so it's discussed daily, and he's helping me get myself back on track. If you mean specifically Thurs night's row, then it's not a banned topic, but I wouldn't seek to bring it up if we move on from this as I don't see the point in raking up the past. What's done is done and what's important is how he behaves as we move forward. We can't change the past, but hopefully we can learn from it. I think that discussing it further than we have so far is only going to cause us both pain and doubt. It's been covered to the n'th degree and I think we've squeezed every last drop out of it.

Kalidinger : I think you've taken that a little out of context, and I'm sorry if it's offended you (though I very much you are 'unattractive' as you put it). As you say, things like that happen every day, and there's a lot more to 'attractive' than what's on the surface. Personality counts for a lot and, with a decent person, usually for a lot more than looks. I wasn't suggesting otherwise. However, I'm talking about one person here: namely dp, and giving one of a myriad of reasons why I don't believe for a minute he is or has been sleeping with The Friend. I might be wrong - but I doubt. And yes, there's probably a thousand men doing exactly that in similar situations, but I don't think this one is.

So sorry for you loss Raz. :(

You are being beyond reasonable, He is vile.

How could he treat you like this at such a time??? If he can't be here for you now in such a time of need then when else will ever matter????

Please do not settle for a life and build a future with such a horrible person.
Please don't pick him up or let him back in your home, and definitely don't drive in that much pain.

You need support and love right now, is there anyone to help you tonight and tomorrow?

You seem to be in a lot of pain, I'm surprised they sent you home suffering as you are.
I definitely think it maybe wise to not be alone.

sorry just seen there are many xposts trying to catch up

What an absolute shitbag. You poor poor thing having to go thru a mc alone whilst your DP behaves that way. I'd be fuming. Cross doesn't even come close. Inconsiderate bastard.

He'll be as apologetic and sweet as it takes to win you round.

But I think it's highly likely that the next time you really, really need him, as you did when you were miscarrying, he will only think of himself again and won't be there for you.

He showed his true character that evening and it isn't nice. What he did was cruel, selfish and stupid. The friend issue is irrelevant. Actually, it's really helped him shift the focus of blame from where it should be, on him, onto her.

Take care of yourself. Hope being with your friend helps.

RaRaz, DV is domestic violence which doesn't apply to your situation but EA is emotional abuse, which I think some posters are trying to imply is happening. I on the other hand think that he is a typical 23 year old bloke being a knob, which I have experience with.

I do think you should give the TTC a break for while, until you get your relationship back on track.

Hissy, the break wasn't a consequence of his actions. I just needed time to get my thoughts straight without his input. I understood how he was feeling, I just didn't agree with it.

OP, I think you need more than a weekend away from him. Could you possibly take a week's break and stay with family and have no communications? The way he acts when you are not around will really help you see what he thinks of your relationship. It will also help you clear your head and rest your body.

I meant that the break gave you the space to see the wood for the trees, regroup and also a chance for him to see life without you.

It's a powerful way to sanity check.

Please don't try to suggest that what this.'man' did was acceptable.

It's not.

A 23 yo may think so, but that's WRONG, as any 40-odd yo will tell you.

Life is way too short to be treated like this.

EA can also be Emotional Affair, depends on context

Well, we've patched things up. Just as well really cos I was called into hosp for an urgent appt with the consultant on Thursday, which resulted in my being admitted to the gynae ward as an emergency and having another d&c. DP was brilliant, back to his usual self and looking after me. Needless to say, we've both had to cancel plans for this weekend - I couldn't walk, shower, or dress myself without DP to help yesterday, and I was totally out of it on drugs until well into the evening. Feeling a bit better physically today, but very empty again - I'd forgotten how to hormones dip again and make you feel so low. Funny how much I'd blocked out from last time actually.

I am sorry about your miscarriage, love

And you probably don't want to hear this right now

But "patch" is the operative word where your relationship is concerned

I hope that when you come out of your sadness wrt your loss and hormonal turmoil, you will realise this

all the best x