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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I right to be cross at him?

192 replies

RaRaZ · 30/05/2013 22:39

I don't know if I'm being reasonable or over-reacting, but I'm mad at my partner right now....

I was in A&E today and got confirmed as having a MC - basically, there's no hope any more and it's gone. It's very early days (4-5 weeks I think), but we were trying and I'm very sad about it. I'm also in a lot of pain and can barely walk even after codeine and hours in bed with a hot water bottle.

My partner knows about this...but is still down the pub with his friend at this time, with no sign of coming home any time soon. I didn't mind him going, but he met her at 5pm....and the original plan was that he'd be done by 8.30 or 9. Obviously he's still there and is expecting me to come and pick him up (didn't take enough money for a taxi, etc), even though he knows the state I'm in and I've been asking for an hour and a half when he'll done. Still no answer, but I did just get accused of being a grumpy bitch. Is it really that unreasonable to not want to drive (10-15 miles!) at this time of night to collect a drunk boyfriend who's gone back on our agreement when I've had a fuckin horrible day and I'm in shitloads of pain and just wanna cry??? He seems to think it is....but I'd never do this to him. Help?

OP posts:
Inertia · 31/05/2013 21:37

RaRaz, you sound lovely - so forgiving and generous that your partner is truly taking advantage of you. You are going through one of the most traumatic things that could happen to a woman, you need someone to run round after you and take care of you. Instead you are driving round after this 'partner' and taking all sorts of vile abuse off him and friend.

You've been in an abusive relationship before. Just because this one isn't as bad, don't fool yourself that this is normal behaviour. When a woman miscarries, the reaction from her partner should be to care for her and grieve with her . When a woman receives horrible messages from her partner's friend, the normal reaction would be for him to tell the friend that he will not have anything to do with someone who could be so horrible to the woman he loves - while she's miscarrying , for pity's sake !

I wouldn't bet against them being out together and laughing about how they've pulled the wool over your eyes. For your sake, I hope he comes good, because his current behaviour is beyond shitty.

Thisisaeuphemism · 31/05/2013 21:41

How on earth did this slutty fat woman manage to keep your dp from being with his mis carrying partner? Is she a witch? - or perhaps the problem is that your partner is a twat?

I hope you are feeling stronger now op.

flowerpippin · 31/05/2013 21:46

Bloody nora!

I think you've had a lucky escape, OP. Run for the hills as fast as you can!

Sorry to hear about you MC... x

Whocansay · 31/05/2013 21:48

It seems you only know about this other woman from your partner. If she really was so awful, he would not see her anyway.

He is enjoying playing you off against each other. Can you really not see this?

I'm so sorry for your loss. A man who cannot support you through this time is absolutely not worth it.

If he wanted to end his friendship with this woman, a text would have been sufficient. As it is, he's out 'drinking' with her, whilst you're home alone. A decent, supportive partner would not do this.

QuintessentialOldDear · 31/05/2013 22:06

She has not actually done anything wrong! HE stayed out.
HE is your partner, and HE stayed out drinking. HE called you a grumpy bitch.

He is taking you for a price tool if he has managed to convince you that was all her fault.

What is he going to tell her? Dont twist my arm and make me get drunk with you?

Has he NO self control?

Nearly a year is not a long time..... Seems to me he finally showed his true colours.

Hissy · 31/05/2013 22:23

My 2nd MC I haemorrhaged, it's horrendously scary and so quick to the time you can't stay awake.

Nobody in the midst of an active MC should be alone.

This man is not the one to have DC with. If there is any good to come out of such tragedy, please use it to see that you are worth more than this.

He may not be 'abusive' like your ex, but he is officially Not Good Enough.

cees · 31/05/2013 22:36

I wouldn't waste my time with him if I were you, he sounds a right pig. Would you have left him if he were so ill and bloody depressed?

He should have been with you holding your hand and making you tea, anything to show his support instead he fucks off out with his mate who then starts sticking her beak in where it isn't wanted.

BarredfromhavingStella · 31/05/2013 23:13

My DH went into shutdown when I MC-he didn't however go out drinking all night with an overweight slapper or indeed a slapper of any description Hmm if he had we would not now have DC as I would have taken his bollocks & wore them for fucking earings. You are being taken for a mug-stop it & fuck him off, is he home yet btw???

Catsandtheirpizza · 31/05/2013 23:23

This sounds like a power thing for her.

Miscarriages can gain momentum several days in, it is crazy that you are worrying about stressing about them at your 12 hour shift, rather than what you are going through physically.

RabbitFromAHat · 31/05/2013 23:27

I am sorry for you, OP. A similar thing happened to me after a miscarriage of an unexpected pregnancy well over a decade ago.

I made all the same excuses you have. I spent another ten years with him. They were wasted, all of them. That's all I can say to you right now.

I've met someone else, but you know what, I should have dumped him the day after this happened. Nobody who loved me like they should could have done that, and that's basically it.

RabbitFromAHat · 31/05/2013 23:28

I finally met someone worth procreating with, btw, and it's probably too late. Don't let that be you.

SirRaymondClench · 31/05/2013 23:36

Op are you still here?

Hissy · 01/06/2013 07:54

Rabbit, that's a really good point. This will be the moment that the op looks back on and KICKS herself for not having demanded better.

RaRaZ, it's not too late for you to prevent the future mental kicking, stand up for yourself, demand better, because you ARE worth better than this.

Don't ever have DC with this man. Divorce him. Put your own feelings of what you'd hope he would be to one side. He's not going to put you first, not even when your life's at risk.

That says all you need to hear.

Original poster
RaRaZ · 01/06/2013 14:42

Hey. I'm back on here now - when you asked where I was, I was having words with DP who had just returned. He told his friend that her behaviour was unacceptable and made her realise that if he had to choose between her and me, that there would be no contest and he would choose me. I think that's what she needed to hear tbh.

He realises he's been stupid and that he was at fault to drink too much and let himsel be influenced by his friend to the point that he forget what was important and failed to act as he normally would (he's raced home to me on other similar occasions and stayed and stroked my hair till I fell asleep etc), and I think he's quite disappointed with himsel. I made him read all of this too, and I found it quite sobering and hurtful - all the more so because he knows it's true.

I still haven't got an answer as to why this friend can manipulate his behaviour so much - and I know some of you say it's not her fault at all, but I've seen him get drunk with plenty of other people and not once has he strayed from being DP; maybe a little sleepy or a bit louder than normal, but still DP, yet with her he seems to become another person and I know that she goads him and winds up, and from her text telling me that she 'brings out exactly who he really is', I think she's proud of that - but I don't think he knows the answer himsel. He won't be seeing her again, and as for me, I've blocked her from my FB and had DP ensure that she never attempts to contact me again.

I'm giving him another chance. I know many of you think this is stupid, and I hope we can prove you wrong: remember, you don't know us, and there IS a chance that this was one isolated mistake. If anything similar should ever happen again, I can assure you he'll be out of that door so fast he won't know what's hit him. For now, I'd like to ask for your support, however stupid you think I'm being. I'd like to think, if I end up starting a similar thread in a month's/six months'/year's time and saying I've kicked him out, that you'll say I told you so GENTLY and still help me rebuild my life. Thanks for everything so far - it's been invaluable having some support on here.

OP posts:
DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 01/06/2013 15:04

Focus on you and see how things go - personally I would rather be proved wrong than sit safely behind a monitor and say smugly 'told you so'. Just stay alert and don't put up with anyone treating you less well than you deserve. Take care.

dreamingbohemian · 01/06/2013 15:21

I do wish you the best. You can ALWAYS come back for support.

You say even he doesn't know why he did this -- I do think it's something that needs to be figured out before you get any more serious. It is not this woman who makes him do this, it is some kind of emotion or thought process in his own head that does it. Even if she is off the scene, those subconscious thoughts will still be there, they will just manifest in a different way.

Vivacia · 01/06/2013 15:22

I don't think you're being stupid at all. The situation of her no longer being in either of your lives seems a pretty big commitment from him.

Jengnr · 01/06/2013 15:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Jengnr · 01/06/2013 15:36

Sorry, I just read that you asked for support. I do wish you well, good luck.

I'll ask for that post to be removed. Xxx

Original poster
RaRaZ · 01/06/2013 15:39

No, Jengr , don't. I wouldn't have posted here if I hadn't wanted to hear people's opinions - I'm not going to dictate what you can and can't say. I might want you to be wrong, but you're not being nasty or bullying and so I don't wish to silence you. Thankyou for the luck :-)

OP posts:
SirRaymondClench · 01/06/2013 15:59

I hope things resolve how you want them to and everything will be cool from now on.
Maybe rethink going into work today if you can. Your body has been through a massive shock and you need time to heal.
x

Hissy · 01/06/2013 16:19

No matter how many times you need to come back here if you need support, you will always be welcome. Don't ever think that you would not get the support/advice/sense checking you need from MN.

I don't think you are stupid, I don't think he is either. He's way worse that that.

What kind of man does what he did, not once, but twice... the fucking off down the pub, and THEN again, to apparently 'give her a piece of his mind' WTAF? He could have called her to tell her that AND been there in case you BLED TO DEATH.

I think there is more to this relationship with her, a FWB perhaps? Fuckbuddy? I don't think he'll stop seeing her, just make sure you don't know about it.

You will look back on this and wonder what you were thinking, i'm fairly sure of that. He has to know that right now he doesn't deserve the chance you are giving him.

You are worth a billion and one of him.

Original poster
RaRaZ · 01/06/2013 16:23

Thanks for the advice, SirRaymond : I was supposed to be at work at 1000, but I called in sick: I thought I'd managed to pull myself together following the MC, but actually I haven't at all - the fear I felt this morning at the thought of my 'return to work' meeting and having to explain what's happened, and the prospect of having to deal with others in a similar situation (I work for the emergency services, so more than likely) just confirmed it to me; I just couldn't see how the hell I could do it, and I cried my eyes out again. I guess you can look ok on the outside and still be dying inside. I just hope work will be ok about it.

OP posts:
Original poster
RaRaZ · 01/06/2013 16:27

Thanks everyone for your help. I'm feeling stronger today, though I wonder about the future.

Hissy , I dunno how much difference it makes, but I wasn't bleeding. I haven't bled at all - apparently my body might 'just' be reabsorbing it. So that wasn't a risk I guess.

Please don't say you think they're FWB/etc.... I can't believe that's true. I've no doubt she's wanted that at some point even if now, but I don't think he's ever lied to me about his past. She's a filthy creature anyway - don't think he'd wanna go near her in that sense, but I certainly hope not for the sake of my sexual health; I wouldn't trust someone who's slept around to that extent to be clean any more.

OP posts:
Hissy · 01/06/2013 16:28

Work will be OK about it. You are genuinely not well enough to work.

Try to rest, you have been through a lot, emotionally and physically, that all takes time to recover from.

((((hugs))))