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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

It appears ive been dumped - again.

391 replies

samethingdifferentman · 25/05/2013 10:04

Every damn time.
Same old story, you have a few dates, you eventually sleep with them, they vanish into thin air.

I thought this one was different, before we had sex he was talking about stuff we could do together this weekend, and ' next time' and it was all good, this was last weekend, Since then ive had a few texts and thats it. Our plans for last night, which HE organised came to nothing.

Its just so bloody depressing and such a cliche.

OP posts:
lemonmuffin · 02/06/2013 16:15

You seem so utterly desperate to prove that it's never anything that you might have done OP...

Original poster
samethingdifferentman · 02/06/2013 17:01

i didnt log in, i did a search and he came up as being logged in. I havent logged in till now.

Im not upset hes logging in, if he had logged in today, fine. but it is a bit crap hes logged in so soon after seening me, literally minutes, and im my unfortunate experience, i know this does not bode well at all, at best it means hes just logging in... at worse, serial player ( and its usually the latter)

I do agree, no good ever came from threads on online dating, i dont understand why, but the blame is always laid with the woman and terrible judgements are made about her. I have no idea why, since so many people do it.

lemonmuffin - i have seen you be mean on so many threads, so im not going to rise to the bait.

OP posts:
ToTheTeeth · 02/06/2013 22:20

This is an odd thread.

OP I don't know why you're getting so hung about him logging on when he left half way through a movie. Was that not your sign that he's not really interested.

It seems you're trying to turn the logging in into something overly symbolic as you're pissed you've been dumped again. And it sounds like you didn't even like him so why are you bothered?

And I do think the whole movie thing was odd. It was either a booty call and he couldn't get it together to make a move, or you both come across as a bit lonely and needy.

Catsandtheirpizza · 02/06/2013 22:44

Oh blimey [popcorn]

Catsandtheirpizza · 02/06/2013 23:05

OP - it's probably time to hide the thread and put it down to experience. I'm sure there is someone out there - but they never come when you are looking. Book yourself a great holiday or something, and you can guarantee the perfect man will pop up just as you are leaving.

Mumsyblouse · 03/06/2013 00:51

I don't think you need to read 'he's just not that into you' or one of those dating books to start playing games, but for some really sound advice about how to protect yourself better- it's very odd to go over to a guy's house or vice versa if you didn't really fancy them on the date! It's not that great an idea to invite a guy if they are rude (you thought they dumped you) then basically insult you on the date. You are getting pulled all around by a load of chancers and you are better than that, but I think some really common sense rules- first date coffee, go home after 2/3 hours and have a think about how you feel about them for a few days (then shag them senseless next time if you must) and so on would help you enormously. 6 hour dates with men you don't really fancy is not the way to go and you don't need the stress.

pinkballetflats · 03/06/2013 01:08

Sorry I've not been back to you OP - been a hectic few days...

I think there is a big possibility that you're simply attracting the wrong men - making you wrong for them and them wrong for you - for reasons we discussed.

IIWY Id take a break away from it all for a month and then at the end of the month revisit where and how you're posting your profile and service it all as a fresh start...and also just humorously note that life is full of odd people.

Original poster
samethingdifferentman · 03/06/2013 06:35

Ha, juliette was really right when she said no good ever comes of dating threads.

I didnt know i didnt fancy the man to start off with. Its something i was working out while on the date, i was having a nice time with him, so we just stayed in each others company. As we were chatting i was finding out more about him and after processing it all i have decided no.

I dont have a habit of shagging on second dates. It happens when it happens

And of course im bloody lonely, who wouldnt be after being on their own so long. Friends and family are not the same

Im going on holiday next week.

OP posts:
ToTheTeeth · 03/06/2013 08:41

And of course im bloody lonely, who wouldnt be after being on their own so long. Friends and family are not the same.

Yes. And neither is some random bloke you've just met. Why make a stranger your boyfriend substitute for the night?

Are you aware that you come across as lacking in self esteem and boundaries? I bet you'll say you have great self-esteem, it's not you etc. But image only, you should listen if people tell you your online persona comes across strangely. Because you are attracting men online and you are only making life harder for yourself if you put out the kind of image that is going to attract freaks and abusers.

Original poster
samethingdifferentman · 03/06/2013 09:00

Ouch.

I might ask how someone becomes a boyfriend.... you have to date first. See if you like each other, get on snd want to persue it.

He still wants to see me, he has been in conact. I have decided hes not for me. A few evening hours in someones company does not make me lacking in self esteem. Most people on this thread have not said im strange. Im not. And am not going to agree with you.

OP posts:
ToTheTeeth · 03/06/2013 09:07

You've just answered your own question. you date first. you had a date and then you also decided to have a cosy night in together because you were lonely (and he was, or looking for a shag.)

If he hadn't wanted to see you how would you feel? That is what's crucial for self-esteem. The fact that you think "he still wants to see me" is a defence is what makes people say you come across as insecure!

Original poster
samethingdifferentman · 03/06/2013 09:17

It wasnt a cosy evening. There was no booze, no cuddling up. We watched a super hero film. It was just hanging out.

He didnt want a shag as he made no moves. There wasnt any flirting the whole date. It was a meet to see how we got on. As it is with early dating usually.

Im saying he still wanted to see me as some people have said im upset at being dumped again. ( not the quick online log in) ive not been dumped. And if you have ever online dated you will know a quick log in isnt great. And it is a bit of an insult.

OP posts:
Original poster
samethingdifferentman · 03/06/2013 10:04

Im also going to say, how dare you be so rude to me.
You have twisted what i have said and tired to paint me as some sort of desperate sado.

AS it has been said already on this thread, there are many different kinds of dates, not just coffee dates ( and ive been on plenty of those too) Just because i had a differnt date to a coffee date, does not mark me as being desperate. Just because i spent more than 2 hours in someones company, does not mark me as desperate. There have been posts on this thread where people have said they spent 7 hours on a first date and are dating still. Ive seen posts on mn when people say they met, stayed over and pretty much never left. I had a free day and evening. I met a guy, we hang out. End of. He was never a boyfriend subsitute, I would like a boyfriend though, which is why im dating.... you cant buy boyfriends in any of the shops round here... unless there is some other ways of accumlating boyfriends that i dont know about???

Lots of people who have posted on my thread have seen my profile, not one has said im strange or come across weird. My real friends who i have told about saturdays date straight away said how weird he was to leave the film half way through, my male friends pulled a face... because it is Weird! it is not my fault this guy behaved weirdly, and since he has done so, i will not see him again ( even though he wants to see me)

There is nothing wrong with my self esteem nor boundaries, despite one of two on this thread saying there is, most posters have agreed with me.

Im just bloody angry that some posters can be so scathing when they dont have the first clue what they are talking about.

OP posts:
DoingItForMyself · 03/06/2013 10:28

This guy has acted strangely.

OP is not weird or easy or lacking in self-esteem/boundaires.

Regardless of where/how you meet a man, there is nothing sad or desperate about getting physical with him. Any man who judges you for doing exactly what he is doing is not boyfriend material anyway, so is no loss if he disappears.

Any man worth his salt will make his decisions about you based on whether he would like to spend more time with you, not how quickly you put out.

In my experience, a good sexual experience makes it more likely that he will come back for more, not less likely. We do not have to play by 'the rules' in order to lure a man into thinking we are something we are not. We just have to pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off and keep on looking, because somewhere out there are some fabulous men who are back on the market due to basic incompatibility with their previous OHs. OD is not just for weirdos and players and sad-cases.

We all do our shopping online now - sometimes what you get is not what you imagined - it doesn't mean you give up online shopping altogether, you just get a bit more choosy and a bit better at spotting a real bargain from a fake. We shop for houses online, we chat to friends online, we ask for relationship advice online, why should looking for a boyfriend be any different - its a great way to get lots of people together in one place, with lots of information about them (& like other types of online shopping, you have to be selective about what you believe - why can't they have reviews!?) and when you make your selection you take your chances.

Hope you find better luck with the next one same . Don't give up! You deserve to find someone lovely. x

CorrStagnitto · 03/06/2013 10:42

i think Ehoney has hit the nail on the head here, please to let him logging in get to you so much, you are reading far to much into it

My DP used to log into the dating site all the time when we first met, he did it to look at my profile pictures as he was a little bit infatuated with them Smile

the fact that he extended the date speaks volumes, he enjoyed your company so much that he wanted to see you that evening, and the fact that he didnt make a move tells a lot too, he likes you enough to not just want a quick shag

If he has sent you a message then send him one back, why make him wait? this is game playing, and is not a good start, just relax a little bit and show him that you are interested by replying

whenever ive been on dates i have always sent a little message afterwards to say i enjoyed the date, i hate all this mind games with messaging, i dont hang around waiting for someone to text me, if i like someone i let them know, if they dont reply i move on

Original poster
samethingdifferentman · 03/06/2013 10:42

thank you. thats much appreciated.

( and we didnt even kiss) but i agree, wholeheartily with what you have said.

Im not going to give up, one day it will all fall into place. Ive tweaked my profile a little bit to reflect a bit more who i am and am jumping back on the horse. am speaking to a few.... out of that few ( 10 or so) maybe one will get a date, and if he turns out to be a bit odd, ill start again. Same as always.

OP posts:
Original poster
samethingdifferentman · 03/06/2013 10:46

Corr, i did reply, we had a little chat.

The leaving mid flim put me off, the logging straight in put me off. Plus we have very different upbringings and out looks on the important things ( that i found out during the date) So, ive decided, based on that, not to see him again.

OP posts:
CorrStagnitto · 03/06/2013 10:46

and him leaving early means nothing, my dp never outstayed his welcome when he first came around to my house, he later told me that it was because he didnt want me to think he was just after a shag, and he didnt want to fuck things up

CorrStagnitto · 03/06/2013 10:51

fair enough if you dont think you are compatable

i used to log into my OD site straight away after every date i had been on, it was usually to, look at their profile again/check message if they had messaged me/check my own profile again. all very innocent reasons. I think if you are expecting the men you date to not do that you are going to be sorely dissapointed

Original poster
samethingdifferentman · 03/06/2013 10:57

i know they do that..... he was on it for about 3 hours... if it was a quick on and off i wouldnt have been bothered.

he doent have a smart phone, so its not a case of being logged in all the time as he had the app.

anyway, some basic incompatiability there, so theres no point taking it any futher.

OP posts:
CorrStagnitto · 03/06/2013 11:03

i actually think its a little odd that you timed how long he was on for

again speaking from my own experiences, many times i have logged in on the laptop, and fallen asleep or gone off to do something else while it has still been logged in

Original poster
samethingdifferentman · 03/06/2013 11:06

nah :) most people who have online dated, check to see when the last time their date logged in... because most people know that a quick return to the site isnt a good sign.
I wasnt sat there for 3 hours watching him. but every time i looked ( without logging in myself) he was logged in.

he said he had to go as he was falling asleep. then went home and fannied about online for 3 hours.

OP posts:
CorrStagnitto · 03/06/2013 11:09

couldnt possibly be because he logged in then fell asleep eh? Smile

you are second guessing someone behaviour, this is not good, no offensive but you are coming across as slightly insecure, i will leave you too it as my advice seems wasted here, good luck

Original poster
samethingdifferentman · 03/06/2013 11:13

no, because he was posting things on his fb into the early hours.

OP posts:
LondonKitty · 03/06/2013 14:42

You're really not going to like this, but this was only a casual first 'meet', as you described earlier. Yet you checked up on him by looking at both the OD site and FB, and then got in a huff because a pratical stranger was active online.

Do you really think that's healthy?

Extending one social evening does not exactly leave him obligated or answerable in any way, does it? Or am I missing something?