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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

It appears ive been dumped - again.

391 replies

samethingdifferentman · 25/05/2013 10:04

Every damn time.
Same old story, you have a few dates, you eventually sleep with them, they vanish into thin air.

I thought this one was different, before we had sex he was talking about stuff we could do together this weekend, and ' next time' and it was all good, this was last weekend, Since then ive had a few texts and thats it. Our plans for last night, which HE organised came to nothing.

Its just so bloody depressing and such a cliche.

OP posts:
Original poster
samethingdifferentman · 29/05/2013 23:59

I had to get back in the car else i couldnt have got home. Its as simple as that.
We were very rural in a place that it would take hours to get home from if public transport was running. Which it wasnt.

OP posts:
ClippedPhoenix · 30/05/2013 00:04

Oh dear, its all kicked off huh. Im on a dating site. It is however a minefield when single and looking (we all really want someone to share and care I dont care what anyone says about it). Leaving alone means im going to be single for the rest of my life? I want a relationship so I will deal with the minefield and many huge ups and downs. It does hurt sometimes and we do meet wankers but there is someone out there. Its easy for all the "smug" marrieds to say "oh i wouldn't do that" blah blah, or the bitter to also put their awe in.

OP I have done what you have and will probably do it again, so what!

Changeasgoodas · 30/05/2013 00:04

People on this thread are having serious reading problems. Op has said over and over that he only got rude once she was 25 miles away from home with no transport and relying on him for a lift back, which the odious man was probably well aware of.

Must admit that I would not have made him coffee, but that just makes OP a kinder person than me.

McBalls · 30/05/2013 00:09

Taxi.
25 mile journey across London would cost a bomb, 25 miles somewhere so rural there's no public transport, far less so. And certainly worth not having to sit politely next to some wanker who was clearly revelling in trying to humiliate you.

I'm honestly not trying to needle at you, you've enough of that already (on some pretty dubious grounds mostly) but you're so determined that the lift home/coffee thing was Aok that I can't not comment. My mind is boggling quite honestly, because you seem like you've got your head screwed on otherwise.

Original poster
samethingdifferentman · 30/05/2013 00:15

It would cost about £70 ish pounds here possibly more.There are no local taxi companies so they charge for both journeys. Plus it would have been bank holiday rate.

Im a single parent.... i dont have that kind of money. Id rather just suck it up like i did and be able to afford food.

OP posts:
ClippedPhoenix · 30/05/2013 00:17

Even people with their "heads screwed on" make choices that others can negatively comment who aren't in their position and make them feel bad! support?????

Original poster
samethingdifferentman · 30/05/2013 00:17

The coffee thing. Yeah i agree but whats done is done. I cant see that it made any difference to the outcone as i dumped him.....

OP posts:
ClippedPhoenix · 30/05/2013 00:22

Good for you OP! Is this relationships or AIBU! we are here on "relationships" to support the OP. Onwards and upwards sweetheart, you sound lovely.

VelvetSpoon · 30/05/2013 00:30

I am a bit incredulous that there are people seriously suggesting you wait months before sleeping with someone, that you would expect to be basically integrated in all areas of their life before you 'rewarded' them with the gift of sex Hmm.

Seriously, I hope your relationships are happy and longlasting ones because if you ever find yourselves back dating you have a hell of a shock coming.

The way dating operates now is that men (and women) multi-date. Normally exclusivity comes with sex (although not always) and probably within a few weeks. At that stage however it's not a relationship, it's more that you're only seeing each other, not other people. Then, over time, you'll get to meet their friends, and vice versa. But possibly not for quite a few months. No-one, male or female, is going to want to commit to a formal relationship before having sex (unless both parties have fairly strong religious views). It just doesn't happen which, given that sexual incompatibility is a) quite common and b) not always possible to guess based on kissing etc, is actually no bad thing.

The reality is that you have sex when it feels right, whether that's on date 1 or date 21. Having said that it's unrealistic to expect any form of commitment before sex has happened, or that you would at that stage be introduced to friends and family as the new girlfriend/boyfriend/other similar term...

As far as the OP is concerned, I think she's been fairly clear re needing a lift back, and her reasons are understandable. With the wonderful benefit of hindsight you can think 'Ah I wouldn't have gone so far from home' but it's not like this was a first or second date, so natural not to be thinking in those muststayclosetohome terms. At worst she was possibly a bit too nice in inviting him in for a coffee BUT I don't think that's a self esteem issue, it's more about thinking of others. I'm a selfish cow so I probably would at best have waited by the door with a can of Red Bull and once he finished in the loo sent him on his way with it :)

ClippedPhoenix · 30/05/2013 00:35

I loved your post velvet apart from the end bit to be honest, its still saying I wouldnt have done it because im "better than you"

I personally would have made that tea also OP .

Catsandtheirpizza · 30/05/2013 00:50

I don't think anyone is saying that a prospective man should be fully integrated into anyone's life, but, as the OP is on here complaining that this keeps happening and she is distressed by it, then taking a bit longer/going out in a group with friends would be a way of preventing it from happening again.

VelvetSpoon · 30/05/2013 00:50

Clipped, not at all - I don't see it as being better than anyone, it's just different personalities. I make no judgment about people being nicer than I am or that they're wrong to be so!

ClippedPhoenix · 30/05/2013 01:02

The dating game is full of sooo many ups and downs. The OP wasnt complaining she was sharing her story and believe me when you are out there its a right story and a half.

What you are portraying velvet is that you are selfish then? (your words) which is not a nice trait.

There is this ethos on here of being better or not having failings? I come across it time and time again, what on earth is the matter with saying you're a real woman with all that entails?

VelvetSpoon · 30/05/2013 01:03

Cats, in all honesty I wouldn't want to be introduced to someone's friends until I was in a well established relationship, nor would I want to introduce them to my friends. I would expect most men and women who are dating to feel the same...and really and truly, the sort of person who is going to turn out to be rude, unpleasant or just do a disappearing act is still going to do that even if they have met the friends etc.

Honestly, after 4 years of OD on and off, using paid sites, free sites, all different types of photos, having funny profiles, serious profiles, and everything in between, on dates being confident, being reserved, dressing up, dressing down, meeting in the day, or in the evening, having sex on the 1st date or not even giving them a kiss on the cheek, the ONLY thing I found that made any difference was finally getting a bit lucky (because really it is only luck, and chance) and meeting someone who was nice, normal and not simply after a one-off shag, and actually WAS all these things, not simply keeping up a veneer of niceness before showing their true colours or vanishing into thin air!

ClippedPhoenix · 30/05/2013 01:09

Heartened by you now velvet, that was a "true" portrayal of how it happens.

ClippedPhoenix · 30/05/2013 01:12

having done that doesnt mean you need to "beast" someone else that is going through it as a way of telling your own self off.

Original poster
samethingdifferentman · 30/05/2013 07:10

There is no way that i would ever meet someones friends/ family until i was well into an established relationship. No way.it just wouldnt happen and i would think if someone made a thread about that tgey would be told thats red flag behavior, to slow down and not race these things.

It is not like dating in your early 20's when people are out in big groups. Have a think, red flags aside, when would you realistically get them to meet people anyway if you ( both , possibly) are juggling children, work and trying to fit in time to see each other as well as friends being free too. Almost as insane as my date frankly.

The coffee thing... i cant see why its a big deal. I dont care what he thought of me for doing it as i already knew i was going to finish it. It didnt damage my self esteem, i just couldnt believe how rude he was, thats all. And then i sent a text dumping him 10mins after he left. I would have sent the text coffee or not.

I do not believe there is a way to date that means you dont have to go through this shit. Its like it for most people, hence so many dating threads.

Getting dumped and dumping people are just par of the course. Its rubbish and it hurts sometimes, but its the name of the game. People who think they would be able to beat the game are mistaken.

OP posts:
niceupthedance · 30/05/2013 07:33

Sorry but have to LOL at people giving advice who were last dating a generation ago thinking the game is the same now. Grin

ALittleStranger · 30/05/2013 07:38

Have to laugh at some people who seem to think half the posters used to date by taking a turn around the room. Of course it's changed, but somethings are constant.

Although on that I think some of the interpretations of rudeness are a generational thing. Most people in their 20s will think nothing of leaving plans hanging and cancelling at the last minute (with anyone). It's why text messages were invented.

Original poster
samethingdifferentman · 30/05/2013 08:03

I feel i need to add two other things to this. Firstly the timescale of the thing with this man. We chatted for 3 weeks first. We met 3rd April. I didnt actually sleep with him until the 24th May. We had had 4 dates in that time, which is pretty much a date every 10 days ish, which is fairly typical and quite good going really. Its not like i jumped into bed with him within a week.

When i was 18 i had a boyfriend. We snogged a few times before declaring we were boyfriend and girlfriend. We met each others familys, which you do when you live at home, we met each others friends, as you do because you all go out in groups at that time. We committed to each other before knowing each other. before we had sex. he was horrible to me. One night he sat me down and laid into me for thinking i was cool, and for me and my friends thinking so highly of ourselves, for having a big nose and a laugh that was too loud. Obviously i was so upset as that was what my boyfriend thought of me, i didnt want him to think that of me, so i dropped my friends and did the best to be what he wanted. THAT is bad self esteem. THAT is why people who are dating who are older will not committ until they know the person, and THAT is why i dont give two shits what he thought of me giving him a coffee because i knew i was going to dump him.

I would far rather date and dump and be dumped a lot that commit first to some knob of a man who i dont know.

OP posts:
Original poster
samethingdifferentman · 30/05/2013 08:33

And, that boyfriend i had when i was 18 asked me to marry him, we were engaged when i was 19. So, it worked.... i got my man. But you can be sure as hell had i have married him i would have been posting on here 10 years later about what how abusive he was.

some aspects of dating have not changed, but posters giving advice based on their experiences of dating in their teens/ early twenties a generation ago, need to realise that dating 15 years later in your 30's and 40's with divorces and children in tow, is a totally different ball ball. The stakes are higher, there is too much to risk by bringing a new partner in so quickly, by committing to someone before you know them well...

OP posts:
Original poster
samethingdifferentman · 30/05/2013 08:50

( sorry, got my dates mixed up, slept with him on the 17th may)

OP posts:
niceupthedance · 30/05/2013 09:33

In my experience it is a different landscape altogether. The whole 'hook up' thing with teens/20s now is pretty dire (IMO). Women being expected to 'give it up' on the first date (if there is even a date first) because if they don't, another woman will. Then they have to pretend they are 'cool' with that if they want to see him again. I know a lot of blokes in their 20s/early 30s and they say they do this because they can. They are not interested in relationships. And I think this is what older men are trying to introduce into their dating practice.

I am not saying I agree with this. I think it's sad.

ALittleStranger · 30/05/2013 09:57

niceupthedance but surely the crucial point is that they are not interested in relationships? So if the women didn't sleep with them it wouldn't suddenly make them interested, it would just be that nothing would happen at all. I think it's very unlikely - and not necessarily desirable - to go back to the days when you had to be in a relationship to have sex.

Catsandtheirpizza · 30/05/2013 10:08

Exactly A little stranger - nothing would happen at all and OP would be left with ones who do want a relationship. I think it is a bit insulting to men to assume all men out there only want sex and if they don't get it on the first few dates they will move on to someone else - if the woman is otherwise attractive, interesting etc. I don't believe things can have changed that much