Support for those in Emotionally Abusive relationships:22

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
a check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

what couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

Very good point Colin, thank you. Why didn't I think of that?!

My job brings in 90% of our income but I have had to scale down my commitment to it to allow him to pursue his sporting career. I should be running my family business but because I'm still part time it is tricky. If EXP had given up more of his 'working' time to care for DS, do the school run, get home to relieve my mum when she collects DS, and help run the home, I would have been able to give my work the attention it deserved, and make it a more secure source of income for us all.

But his sport is his dream and his drive, and came first always despite the fact that my job kept us going financially. To be fair, I don't love my job like he loves his.

He has worked long and hard and earned practically nothing in the hope of 'making it'. He had a sponsor this year, but almost all of that money is used up and this competition offered him so much hope. I can empathise with him that his concentration and state of mind are very important when playing, so my actions have damaged that and possibly caused this failure.

Oh very!!!

For a start it's easy when you're on the outside to be impartial and it's evident you are trained to put his needs ahead of your own. I was like that too, hence we would have raging double standards. I was constantly blamed for not allowing him to concentrate on applications and interview prep, he thought nothing of inventing an argument before I walked into an interview. It's very hard to get out of that mindset but you'll get there.

You might not love your job like his, but when you're raising a family, enjoyment of work while nice is a luxury that ceases to be indulged. Yours should have come first, it put bloody food on the table.

How many FWs seem to end up with the luxury of pursuing their dreams at our expense?! Mine was exactly the same. Wouldn't get a menial job while pursuing his dream. And I tell you, now FW has gone and I don't have to fulfil his demands, I'm working FT and pursuing my passion in my own time.

Thank you colin this is so helpful. I would never have thought about things in that way before now, but when I read what you have written it is sort of just common sense. I'm not stupid, so why can't I see this common sense for myself . I need to try to see things in this way, and most importantly to believe them- how did you achieve that?

when you're raising a family, enjoyment of work while nice is a luxury that ceases to be indulged. Yes you are right, but to have said this to EXP would have made me feel unfair and unreasonable, and he would have pointed out that he did this job when he met me, and never made promises to quit. However, he was fully on board in having DS and I never expected his 'job' to be so lacking in actually bringing in money for quite so long, I have enabled this to happen by being weak. To be fair to him he has said that this is his last year doing this, and then he will look for something else- maybe I should have waited .

Yes Yes Yes to him refusing to do a menial job while pursuing his dream. Over the winter he made no money at all. He paid me his usual very small amount out of his sponsorship money, and for two months he paid nothing at all. I wanted him to get a job, any job to supplement his sponsorship so it wasn't eaten away at, but he insisted there was nothing out there.

I'm sorry to be so me me me in my posts today. It is very helpful to write it down though, and the advice I have received on this thread is incredible. Thank you.

VEry and Mink thank you xxx

very mine didn't even persue his dream - I kept thinking he would, but when asked he didn't seem to know

If he is a professional, then he should be able to find his 'working state' despite all, like anyone with any sort of job has to. Do not waste your pity on him - it seems like pity, rather than guilt, perhaps? If so your feelings seem to be resolving and moving in the right direction.

Very you're in the fog remember - fear, obligation, guilt. It's clear when you're through the other side and when you start to acknowledge that dammit, you have needs to too, it starts making their frankly ridiculous demands pale in comparison. What helped me...reading about other people's FWs and FWittery here so I learned that FW was a FW, looking to people I know with normal set ups, posting here so people a step ahead of me can help me see things from another point of view.

Everything is on the never never with FWs too - they are very Peter Pan like and they manipulate things to keep life that way. It's just another form of control. Yes he was on board with you having DS, but lets be fair, I'm guessing he was really on board with you having DS and his life staying the same. My FW was 'getting a job' every month for two years. So no use waiting. They change the goal posts at will.

FFF how is the swimming going? It is going to hurt. I felt profoundly sad and it's easy for me going no contact but you've really been put through the wringer. It really will pass. Indulge yourself, keep busy. Soon you'll be like me skipping around! My conquest from Saturday has gone a bit quiet but I'm even happy about that - feeling something different and feeling in control of it. I guarantee this will be you soon! My friend had arranged to visit this weekend just gone 6 weeks ago. In all honesty, I couldn't perceive I'd be in a position to want to see her, get glammed up and be happy. I was a whole new woman by the middle of last week. It will pass. You might have relapses, I'm sure I will too, but it gets brighter xx

*know what his dream was

x-post colin you are glowing

Colin, so nice to hear your positivity! And with such clearheadedness about what happened.

very, there's never a good time to split up, is there? I told mine I wanted to separate right before a milestone birthday and felt very guilty when he told all his friends not to send any cards as there was nothing to celebrate any more. But, thinking back, didn't he make the decision to split in your case, because you weren't behaving yourself well enough as the doormat you are supposed to be...?

I am experiencing a bit of hoovering at the moment. He is saying things about what a changed person he is and then saying, "I probably shouldn't be saying stuff like that." Thus showing that he realises he should give me space but he thinks what he has to say is more important.

I have now got a letter from the GP as evidence of DA. I feel like a total fraud.

I'm feeling very sad today. Keep welling up with tears. It is because I have signed the rental agreement. I feel so flat.

FFF and very your thoughts sum me up totally. Am I doing the right thing? Will things turn out for the best? Am I enough for DD on my own? How did a 14 year relationship come to this :(

I feel so sad because I know I'm going to hurt FW. Just last weekend he was talking about doing something as a family next weekend and possible holidays for later in the year. I just listened - didn't say anything but all the time I was thinking that I'm just leading him on as we won't be a family then. That makes me so sad. I wanted DD to grow up as part of a family not just a unit of me and her. It's stupid. He treated me badly so why do I feel like I'm sinking.

Hopefully the counsellor will be able to sort my silly thoughts out

They aren't silly thoughts, just your feelings. Change is hard. DD is still part of a family, just looks a bit different, that's all. You can't know things will turn out for the best by going, but you surely know things won't turn out for the best by staying. You have a chance at being happy. Grab it.

The relationship came to 'this' because of him. But again, if you stayed, would you not be thinking 'how did my life come to this?'. I used to think that all the time. How did I come to be accepting tirades of abuse, cheating and watching a man take a dump?

You feel bad because you're a nice person. Hurting people's feelings doesn't feel nice does it? Yet FWs do it routinely.

Thanks colin I keep saying to myself that If I stay it will be the same and if i go at least there's a chance of it being better.

I know that the other reason I'm sad is that close friend of mine (16 yrs+ of friendship) has told me that she is pregnant with her first DC. Whilst obvioulsy being thrilled for her I know deep down that I am also very envious. Partly because I would dearly love to have another baby and in accepting that my relationship is over I've also had to come to terms with the likelihood that DD will be an only child. But also because I can't help thinking that her DC is going to have that perfect family. Because her husband is lovely. They will be a great little family. I am happy for her. Truly I am. But I'm also envious too. I want that for me. I thought I had that. And I haven't.

colin it is wonderful to see you not only moving on but also offering brilliant advice.

bounty, very, fff life has dealt you a choice between two things neither of which is what you actually want. it is a sad choice to make. but life goes on. it will get better and looking back (as colin is now) out of the fog in the clear light of day you will see it is the right choice. like me I suspect once you get over the fear and sadness of dealing with your FW's reaction (I had to bolster myself for this and it kept me going) you will find like me that once this adrenaline wears off you go into a double dip. the drama is over and it is eerily quiet. but it is getting better again.

life goes on.
(POF in my case. holy moly not sure what the F stands for though)

keep swimming.

Oh and while I'm on a glowing, positive roll, I wanted to report back on this excellent development.

I've stopped thinking of FW as the fittest thing to grace the planet. Detaching on this level v v v important. I don't think looks are important or that you should pick on someone for them, but when the individual concerned has spent years telling you you are punching above your weight, criticised your teeth, nose, weight and veered between telling you they love your arse to 'its starting to get saggy', the following thoughts are not unjustified...

• FW, you're not 6ft as you claim. You're 5'9. Which is ok. But you lie. Plain weird.
• You have a receding hairline (I have only JUST noticed this. Again, not an issue but he picks on this in other people)
• You are a boy. I have heard there are actual men and I shagged one on Saturday who was too tall for the king bed I was in and can grow facial hair
• It is not normal to have conversations about how goof looking you are

Vent over.

Thankyou mink it's a priviliged position to be in. And guess where I found Saturday's conquest? POF. So I know full well what the F stands for...

5'9" but says he is 6' that is quite the lie
hate to think how small his 8"cock is if his measuring is that inaccurate

hey gettingstrong
lovely to see you hoping all is very well with you.

Evening all!

I'm going to be popping in and out tonight. I'm painting - my sanctuary ground to a bit of a halt but I'm back into it now... And my lovely parents have given me the money to buy my sideboard for my birthday so hopefully this time next week it will be done and ready to entertain and chill in!

Feeling a bit less angry tonight

Colin mine did that too! He's not 5'10" as he would have the world believe...!

I think we all established that 8inch cocks were none existent amongst the FWs way ago... that actually they were barely evident

Raging....

Even at 6'3 one has to pull oneself up to one's full height and more to get the full intimidation stance to maximum

intimidation effect

Glad you're less angry tis :)

I am feeling happier after my earlier tears and wobble too :) have remembered the dodgy texts and don't feel so bad about hurting him again

I'm doing a little market research as to what little home decoration pieces I might like for my new place. I've never been allowed to buy finishing touches before :)

So quick straw poll ....... if you are borrowing a slightly old and tired sofa from someone to start of with does a throw make it look better or will it just look like a tired sofa that you are trying to hide?!?

I have put throws over my sofas because they stay cleaner - I have grotty kids! They look ok. You just need to choose your throw with care.

&

Happy birthday to you ... pony!!

and Happy Birthday wishes to you too Tis

Merry eve to all Vixens xxx