Support for those in Emotionally Abusive relationships:22

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
a check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

what couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

Thanks all. My brain is duly bleached. Unfortunately, sweetpea, thought of shenanigans with FW is still quite the turn-on for me, I almost wish I had a boaky-tongue feeling to put me off. He has just texted me re all my stuff now being gone, and I'll admit I got a little thrill. But I suspect it's all about to change - I'll be asking for one teeny tiny change (that he does both the pick-up and drop-off of DS2 from now on, since he's moving away and I have another DS to think about), and I suspect the real him will come to the fore again.

Singe - that is a proper dilemma. What do you want to do, without thinking about DD or anyone else? You could quite easily change your surname to something completely different, your GGP's surname, and if that's what you want to do then go for it. Would you change DD's name as well or just yours?
I will be going back to my maiden name. It was mine for 38 years, it's unusual and some of my nicknames involve it as well, so I feel it's part of my identity.

sounds like you will have the family name you seek then La? Will you change their names so that you all have same names? He will have to consent to that, I'm doubting thomas about that.

oh cripes pass the vat of brain bleach, especially triggering about the cornering, and the .... no... tmi.. [grimace]

Hope you get good sleeps tonight iPony [the new funky apple device that Bernard has christened you] .

discovered my quack is only interested in covering her arse. Everything else prompts a blank look

Found a brill course for DD on the good news front (and me, in parenting)

I'd change it. Wouldn't change the dc's surnames as FW wouldn't agree anyway. She thinks it would be like we weren't part of the same family. Also would have to explain A LOT at work as I teach and the pupils would all ask.

time to pin down iPony and liberally wash with the bleach! maybe knowing his darker intentions underneath and the face he holds with them, when you think of shenanigans...

it only matters that dc have 'his' name... [discuss and get angry!]

you can still use your name professionally and change everything else, and change the dc's but without the officialdom if they wanted, I think you still can... just by use

I think I'd want to be known by the new name all the time. I'm fine with the dc having a different name, it's not exactly uncommon, just hate the thought of it upsetting dd. dS at 3 doesn't understand enough to care.

I am the iPony. How can I help you?

fi to your GP. Will try your approach - next time I think of FW fondly, will conjure up his face the night he assaulted me in our bedroom with 6-week-old DS2 in the moses basket next to us. His face was like a molten-hot ball of rage, all screwed up and spitting bile. Even though he didn't hurt me much, I have never been more scared. I even remember what he was wearing.

FWIW, here in Scotland you can apparently change your name without 'changing' it, IYSWIM. You can 'be known' as a name other than what's on your birth certificate, and legally use that for bank accounts, doctors, schools, jobs, etc. Just your passport (and maybe driving licence?) that would be in your official name, I think. I don't think I'm going to go down that route with DS2, but it's worth knowing that I could have him known as my maiden name (which is also DS1's name) if I wanted, and he could choose later in life if he wanted to stick with it or not.

hello all Bernard and i have drunk an entire bottle of peach bellini do you must excuse ud.
i dude notice that i had marketed the new ipony think of it as a bday present from Bernard. although i zm not duress you want the PhW messing witt your delight (thank you fir that random wire Bernard) messing g with your design decisions apple style.
(i did say i was unleashing Bernard)

presumably now you can go on shuffle.
but for you get an ipony docking station? (thankfully Bernard restrained himself there or that could have come out very wrong)

name changing- yes in Scotland it is by habit and repute. if you can get people to call you buy that name and you receive mail under that name that is your name. however, if your children are born after the date that fathers had to be present to be registered if you were unmarried about 2005 i think you cannot do it without their consent. it is a parental right.
feh!

my surname is my name of repute so i am always on the look out fir a god surname to add to the end. or even a good one.

horsy robot voice!?!??

Aye. Or maybe neigh.

Loving the NC, btw! And am peeing myself at the Bernardisms in your last post:
do you must excuse ud
i dude notice
although i zm not duress you want the PhW messing witt your delight

I'd quite like someone to mess with my delight! Especially if there is shuffling involved. I shall consider myself docked.

good news on the course front fi.
Izmir that two separate courses or are you both on same?

and of course forgoth to say imink is back blimey he's gone and appled me too the cheeky PhW. pardon the pun if it is not too oblique to require hardening. (pardoning) lord that peach bellini is quite string and new i have the bunches (munchies)

is that scone docked if ye ken fit i mean ipony? noone else will that us gore sure. (is for)

i may let Bernard write all my mn posts from now on. he majesty more sense.
biscuit emergency.

my dcat is tapping my fingers with his tired paws, its an 'I'm tired' expression of his as he tries to stretch out his front paws for fullsome sleep... and I too have the 'tired paws' syndrome, so lovely chitchats vixens... very much enjoyed Bernard's peach bellini styleee antics, along with your robot antics iPony. We are looking forward to right royal celebrations in the Vixens tomorrow night for some rebel rousing!

Evening all!

I'm not even going to pretend that I've read more than this page so I hope all are well and relatively untroubled by FWs

Thank you for all my lovely PMs/emails - I've been very busy so I've not responded to all of them, but they were all greatly appreciated. It's all a bit naff here TBH, but obviously I can't go into that.

There are other things which are good, however, and I'm still smiling! I'm doing really well with my running - did 3.67 miles last night. I find it helps if I visualise certain things as I run!

Mink I'm so pleased to see Bernard is alive and kicking! ToD is between homes currently - my shower is 99% completed! (I have to do the sealant and then it's done - yay!)

luffs to you Tis xx

that peach bellini is quite string and new i have the bunches I nearly wet myself at that mink - it sounded like you were channelling Officer Crabtree again...

And to you fi. I've missed you all dreadfully so I'm very pleased to be here!

yay Tis officer crabtree is a good fiend of Bernard. or his majesty. majesty is another if Bernard random favourites.

proper biscuit emergency. i forgot to buy any. and the kids will be sent to school with nothing but oatcakes for their play piece. still we gave been reading tales of Heeland things and suchlike of late so it will be authentic.
(play piece: noun. Scots for breaktime snack or whatever it is called in Englandshire)

glad the running is going well. and the shower progresses.

must put bins out before i gorge forget fall over
gorge?? Bernard still has the munchies.

Hi to tis

On the name front, in Scotland, you can even change your official documents if you make a statutory declaration to your local JP. So, as long as it is not for the purposes of fraud, you can call yourself anything you like, officially as well as by repute.

To singes dilemma, you could add your maiden name back on as your last name but keep your dcs surname as one of your given names. That is, if your married name is Bodkin and your maiden name is Heart, instead of seeing it as either/ or, simply become LaSinge Bodkin Heart, but use LaSinge Heart for all practical purposes. DCs school will continue to call you Mrs Bodkin come what may, anyway, and you can tell dcs that you are still keeping their name just adding your own back on.

Maybe this suggestion would be more palatable if you see it as dc surname, rather than your married name? It is the connection with them they may be worried about.

Wow, your running sounds fab! I joined a running club after I split up with DS1's dad and I luffed it, from both an exercise and from a mental health POV. I have never quite been able to get back into it in the same way again, but it helped me enormously at the time, in lots of ways.

Loving the thought of the cattily exaggerated 'I'm tired' stretch Fi! Mine used to do that too.

iMink - earlier this eve, I was trying to explain what a 'poke' was to DS1's dad (I told him a poke was what you put you messages in). He is moving from Cambridge up to Scotland next month with his GF, so will need to learn the lingo!

just before I head off, I was sent this today, along with this

They are both part of the proposed key stage 2, 3 & 5? educational cirriculum tools for children and teachers... was thinking of you Tis with particular reference to similar aged DDs. v. powerful hlepful stuff, that I will be 'reviewing' open on my laptop for all to see xx

lasinge Bodkin heart what a brilliant name
that is up there with Aunt Fidget Wonkham Strong (of greasy bloater fame)
I can feel a children's book coming on. LaSinge Bodkin Heart and the Teddy of dome.

btw biscuit emergency has reduced me too eating plain ice cream cones. I'm on my 3rd. not sure thinking v hard burns that many calories.

Arrrrgh wrote a post and lost it as my phone failed to update!

Sorry I've not posted for a couple of days. I've been lurking and cheering you all on.

I'm still muddled after EXPs unexpected about turn. I don't know what to do TBH, but I'm clear that there is no way I could consider trying again unless he accepts that he needs to make a major change- ie be much much much less selfish. Just to complicate matters, I do believe that in some circumstances people can change, but only if they commit wholeheartedly to making a change.

I'm determined to take my time, but I'm so confused as to why I'm finding it impossible to decide what I actually want to do . Also now we've told DS it feels almost impossible to allow EXP back into my life.

Sorry I've not made any individual comments, its quite hard to keep up with the thread . I want to say a huge thank you though, this thread has kept me going and I'm do grateful for the support and wisdom that I've found here.