Support for those in Emotionally Abusive relationships:22

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
a check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

what couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

fff hugs. I hope you're ok.

Breathe I also ha ha ha'd out loud as I shaved my

loving the word fakebook, I also particularly like farcebook - I feel another dictionary coming on....

FFF definitely to the ebb and swell of the conflicting emotions, it does subside which helps to know I think? but this: our safety and security is our own - just wanting to gently challenge the thought that you can't have this for yourself, because you can. Use us here to climb back out that mountain breathe speaks of, Zippo aloft. It mightn't feel like it now, and sometimes the path is treacherously slippery, but we keep on climbing, and the climb makes you so fit and strong don't you find?

honey good point from breathe re. copying the posts. because they do say far more about his state of mind than reality.

No no breathe thankyou. This thread and all you lovely people have really helped me deal with the abuse and the fallout. I don't know where I'd be if I hadn't realised he was a FW. I think I'd have gone bonkers.

Well bounty I'm glad it's giving you hope. I know it's been easier for me to disentangle - no kids, not lived together and that's partly why it's been quick but I can't believe the difference 6 weeks has made. Distractions do help but it's not just that...not being insulted and made to feel like a failure day in day out is really good for your mental health, who knew?! And so many of my relationships have deepened because I'm free to spend more time with people, I'm not distracted when I do because FW is giving me grief and I'm honest about the state of my relationship. I also felt like I was in a no win situation when I was with him - desperately unhappy but so addicted that I was going to be unhappy without him too. I don't know how I would have mustered up the courage to break it off, so that OW did me a massive favour. I remember posting on here about how I was never going to be happy again and I think it was pony or silvery that told me I was. They were right. I'm practically delerious at the moment, I just feel so light and free. I really hope it continues.

FFF I hope the space is proving useful. I know it feels uncertain, but you are not safe and secure with him. Your chances of getting to feel safe and secure in life are significantly higher without him around.

honey jesus wept what an absolute twunt of the highest order. Airing dirty laundry on Facebook and the things he is saying too. That's just awful. Abusing with an audience, exactly what social networking is for. I enjoy how above it FWs think they are that they think other people are reading is normal.

pony glad to see things are in motion - you sound really positive. Lovely to read.

heg I hope you are feeling a bit less wobbly today, it's not easy

I'm actually pinching myself that FW is out of my life now. I am aware I have a long road ahead of me though as far as healthy relationships go. FW has given me a really skewed perception of men. So, for example, this chap from the weekend. We have been texting since Saturday night but as he actually has a life and a job, I'm not being 'love bombed' as FW did in the beginning which is unsettling because I'm feeling iffy about a perceived lack of contact even though he braved meeting me with my friends (albeit thinking he was on a promise, of course he braved it!) and has hinted at another get together, but then again that has me wondering if I'm being used for sex because that's what FW did. So actually I think this is an important part of the healing process. He might be a FW. He might be just up for a bit of no strings. He might be nice and we might be compatible. He might be nice and we might not be compatible. I'll just keep my eyes open. I know conventional advice would have been not to rush the physical stuff, but given that the pull towards FW was so deeply physical, I think it is important that I open my eyes to others in this way as it will teach me an important lesson that FW is not the only person on the planet I could enjoy myself with and considering the sex was basically the only thing he brought to the table, it's this phase that ensures I'll never let him back in my bed ever again. I had dinner with my friend last night and she thinks I need to continue working through all this, that I'm not necessarily out of the woods yet with him. I said I disagreed, but she reminded me that we could have had that conversation five years ago when we broke up the first time and that two years later, he was weaseling his way back in. I love my friends and their memories. Doh! Anyway, sorry for the rant, I know it's not essentially about FW, but the hangover of him and not going backwards ever. So I'm not going anywhere for a while, even if i'm feeling positive!

getting to the place of knowing what you want and what is right for you and knowing thats more important than whats right for them, so that you end up with someone whos compatible with you, rather than making yourself compatible with someone else's wants... Stay with that feeling of being iffy about the perceived lack of contact.

I will do - i'm treading very carefully. He has been in contact, but when you go from FW levels of texting, it's very hard to gauge what's normal!

wise words fi about finding someone compatible rather ghsn making yourself compatible.

we have a no hire unless you are sure policy at work. when we interview we don't consider which candidate is best or will do, we look for someone who will actually be right girl the job. if we ate not sure we take the view that it is better not to hire than hire an unsuitable candidate. (we got burned in the past) it can be difficult but it makes sense in long run.

Colin - your post makes complete sense to me. It's great that you are having fun. And I do think that will help you to heal (having fun with another man).

I am trying to keep busy. I've cleaned my friends house top to bottom and going to tackle the garden now. When I stop I get anxious. I'm very tired and have a stress headache. Going to the hospital to visit at 3.

Then not sure whether to stay here another night or go home.

I haven't replied to you all individually but thank you so much for your support. I need it right now. Thank you xx

FunnyFishFace As Dory in Finding Nemo says, 'When life gets you down do you wanna know what you've gotta do...Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming'. We're all here xx

Haha I LOVE DORY xx

Afternoon all.

heg, something you said last night (after I'd gorn to bed, lightweight!): he was desperately trying to make himself happy and I was just collateral damage
YYY. I think this is the essence of the abusive man, entitled to that happiness no matter what getting it involves, no matter who else gets hurt in the process. I don't think that they enjoy seeing us miserable at all, but they are ok with us being miserable, if it means they get their own needs met.

Something else I read on another thread: everyone needs to make sense to themselves and the mind will flex any way it needs to in order to make this happen.
In other words, why we deserve to be shouted at/verbally abused/physically abused, why our FWs are justified in behaving that way, why it's the fault of us, the kids, our friends, our parents, etc because we are all wrong and he, obviously a nice person, is right.

honey good luck with your exams. You are right, take a deep breath and totally ignore him. He's the crank.

Fi I love what you said about compatibility. On the nose.

Colin am just cheering you on. You are moving in the right direction. And hoorah for lovely friends to help along the way!

Ooooh, I often use 'just keep swimming, just keep swimming..', I have been known to mutter it under my breathe in a sing-song voice, like a total loon! You are doing great FFF, you have detached, and removed yourself from his influence so he cannot keep headworking you.

Ha! In my young day, instead of Dory we had The Little Engine That Could..."I think I can, I think I can, I know I can, I know I can..."

That post was getting a big long, so split it across two.

Well, that's all my stuff a-moved out of my house now. This morning, two blokes in a big van loaded it in, then unloaded it at my dad's. His poor garage is stacked to the ceiling with all my stuff again. But I've been good, and let three furniture items go to the tip that were past their best (but I still didn't really want to part with them). And I have also now reclaimed a bookcase (to stop the wibbly pile on my bedside table from crushing me during the night, Flat Stanley-styleee).

But here's my problem. FW is being soooooooo nice to me at the moment. We exchanged multiple texts last night about moving/house stuff, and he is being so agreeable and nice, can't do enough to help (he dismantled all my furniture for me and brought it down the stairs, etc). It's messing with my head a bit, and maybe it's meant to. I am almost finding myself looking forward to his texts, and am a bit ashamed to say that I feel slightly disappointed today not to have had one, and have just had to stop myself from texting him, just to say 'that's all my stuff out now', so as to start things off again. And I half thought about going back round later to get some flowers from the garden to dry as a memento, but then maybe FW would come home while I was there, and I would explain what I was doing, and he would help me pick flowers, then be nice to me, then gather me up in his arms...

Argh!!!!! sweetpea, I think I need some of your brain-bleach. See, Colin, you might think they are out of your head, you might be feeling so much better, but these FWs are real sneaky and can burrow back in there. Be alert for it! My life is better, I am happier, I wouldn't have him back if you paid me, yet my brain is rebelling.

FW is being soooooooo nice to me at the moment It's messing with my head a bit, and maybe it's meant to."

...I hear the sound of a hoover....you know the answer....detach, detach, detach....and remember he's going to be an ex for many good reasons.

Oh pony vrooom I hear the hoover too. Read your shitlist, read lundy. Keep posting.

I know how they can catch you unawares, that's partly why I'm writing things down - the good I feel now, the bad I felt before, so I can revisit it if it happens again. Thank you for the warning.

fool it's nice to see you, I thought of you today as Lauren Laverne played 'fool on the hill' on the radio today

Waves at silvery and everyone

Ah wise fool and lovely Colin. I know what you say to be true. But even though I know it, my brain still thinks these rebellious thoughts. Naughty brain.

But I will absolutely not be doing anything about them. I had a 'conversation' with FW in our kitchen today, before I locked up for the last time, telling him how miserable I'd been in this house, how much happier I am now, how I had loved him very much and he'd effed it all up. Am hoping his secret recording device was on and picking it all up!

If he really has suddenly seen the error of his ways and wants to make up for things, then giving me back the £2.5k he's insisting I pay towards the last year's mortgage (when I have already been paying rent for my flat for that time) would be a good start!

I must say, although I never wanted FW back, for a while I missed the clashes, and I missed outwitting the FWitteryness, which I had got quite good at by the end

pony good you've got that financial FWittery, in a way, to keep you grounded...

for all the 'moving on' going on....

god yes outwitting the fwittery. i suppose it foes turn into a sport. and i too am quite goodd at it. still have to do it to get him to take the kids regularly. one dc put 'daddy i love you and want to see you more ' in her f day card. he will think i told her too. sigh.

remember ipony one Hoover you will not be hearing ever us the sound of him doing the housework while you lie in.

i had brief fantasy about snogging the fw the other day. but no. his tongue shall not pass my lips.

i predict the bar will open in one hour and i plan to unleash the Bernard for your delight. also known as the gaslighting phonewit or PhW for short .

Sorry for posting and running on Monday I feel like I have just sat down. need to write a big list of things I need to do as I keep getting sidetracked and missing things. house a tip, garden a tip, post not posted, washing not done... etc...
Thanks for your supportive words.
It's been better today by sol was actually nice and thinks we have a better case now the life story work has gone badly with DS but while that is good for the case it tough on DS and I have been really upset how upset he is - so mixed emotions. Putting final details to statement tomorrow they have to be served next week and then I get one back from him in a week - that will make interesting reading and just be an attack on me which in the main will be good as if they don't take DS into consideration it will not go well on the day in court.
Heghog great lines - I have read but forget who said what - some great words from many of you wonderful people. I forgot about the war thing from Lundy - he has it so right....
promise to keep up with the thread...
whilst the fwitery continues I feel a lot of positive steps being made out there.

I have been reading again about despite everything, feeling something for them.... it rushed round my brain and this thought came out.
I am fighting my exfw in court to keep him away from me and my DS the sight of him makes me feel ill and angry and much more negativity but even so.. very once in a blue moon - I get that feeling and I think I know what that feeling really is...
I want the feeling that everything is ok......them, how I feel, the situation, life now, life in the future.... revolving around them as it is them that has caused all this pain. I don't think it is feelings for them....

pony, sending you an industrial vat of brain bleach. Do not even go there for a teensy, weensy second. It is not just the 2.5k, it is the load of pain he caused you and DS. I really feel for you, because it is the glimpse of the family life you could and should have had, but didn't. He is an ex for a reason.

I think in terms of understanding the potential to be drawn back in, it is more with the ex I mentioned at the bingo. Mentioned being an understatement, went on at great length about . With FW, I cannot imagine even letting that thought in. Though he would do nothing as subtle as hoovering, it would be a f*cking great big bulldozer. Though he does do a charm thing to get what he wants, I have noticed this, because Mr Nasty is not far behind when you say no. So I need to get going on the shit list, just in case. FW.

To come back to the point, pony, put your texting fingers away. He was nice, he helped you. It was the least he could do after everything.

Enjoy your

Absolutely, better, I get physically anxious about anything to do with FW, my brain literally empties, but then, when he does the charm thing, it is almost relief that I have not got harassment and hostility to deal with. But both are a means of achieving the same end.

Oh Jesus goodness, I am reading this thread backwards and just got to hegs post about snogging FW.

No, no, no, no. see, I just have to remember that he used to corner me at a certain place in the house and do the boaky tongue thing. My FWex, not hegs, I mean.

Pony I understand totally how you feel. At the moment FW and I are at ease in each other's company, we are able to laugh and converse normally. However I am under no illusion that the reason that is is because I no longer have to put up with the drip drip torture of trying to accommodate his every need on a daily basis.
My decree nisi is pronounced tomorrow morning and the consent order is being finalised. Hopefully I have 8 weeks max til it is all done.
My current dilemma is whether or not to change my name. I broached it with DD(5) and she was upset, but I don't know how far to take her feelings into account. I don't even want my maiden name back as my dm kept my FW of a father's name to keep us all the same, so I feel no pull to have that back. I'd like a family surname that goes back to my great-grandparents as I have nothing but positive associations with that.