Support for those in Emotionally Abusive relationships:22

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
a check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

what couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

OMGoddess!!! Bernard is on random fire tonight! Izmir = bernardism, or Turkish holiday airport destination!!!!

and all the rest.. hilarious.. but now have to go.. leave you to the laugh in/luffs in... xxx

interesting stuff fi. might try to pass it on to dsc somehow. glad to see it is making it into schools. wonder if it is happening north of the border.

oh yes... there are two separate [re: the Izmir]

Hi tis lovely to see you. Good news on the shower front. I hope you can feel able to join us all again at some time as i miss your wise words.

iPony Thanks for the honesty about having a fleeting moment of thinking what if.... when FW was nice to you over the house clearance. It is useful to prepare myself for this as i suspect may happen to me in the future and i tend to find myself weakening atone tiny bit of niceness Even though my head is screaming Nooooo my heart is still betraying me. And it's so very very tough to get out that once i finally make it I'm certainly not risking going back for more. So forewarned is forearmed!!! Glad the house is cleared ut noe. You can move on a bit. Do you plan to buy somewhere or are you happy where you are for now?

Lasinge the name one is a toughy. I kept my maiden name for work so will find it relatively easy to revert to this. to be honest I still 'feel' more Bounty Maiden than Bounty Married. Agree with the idea of becoming Lasinge Married Maiden as a possibility so that DD can still 'see' her surname within your name

mink glad to have you back as a mink (allbeit with a cheeky sprinkling of bernard) Naughty as he is , he is fantastic for bringing a smile to my face. And I quite enjoy the challenge of decoding what he has written. He's been pretty restrained with the 'docking' That could have gone wrong!!!!

fairyfi Hope the hard week is going ok. Parenting course for you and DD sounds good. Are things still challenging with her? Nice to see you here as well.

I keep wondering how MrsM is getting on at the moment.

Right off to bed now. Am sure I'll be checking in tomorrow.

very beware. maybe hs can change but he does not have to be in the same house as you while he tries. in fact if he is serious about changing he will do it elsewhere.

also read the link above on cycle of abuse and declarations of independence. 'be less selfish' is easy to.promise and difficult to quantify. which risks you ending up policing him at which point you leave yourself open to accusations of being controlling and nsgging. it is in the out of the fog link under cycle of abuse

very Sorry cross posted and missed you. Don't make any hasty decisions. Every single time FW has behaved in slightly pleasantly to me I have found myself wavering and giving it. And then he is nice for a bit and then it gradually worsens. This last time I think he sensed that I was that bit nearer to the end of my tether and so the niceness was a lots nicer. Like the old times to be honest. And I was wary but the same time could feel myself being sucked back in. But the mask has started to slip again. He hasn't been FW at his worst but has still made a few comments and acted in certain ways that I'm sure a normal loving husband and father would not.

I'm fairly sure that when I do go (because I am forcing myself against my hearts wish at the moment to do it) I will have that moment of panic of what have I done, it was better with him, can I be on my own. I'm fairly sure that he'll pick up on this and try to worm his way back in. Someone upthread said something along the lines of don't confuse the feelings of grief that the relationship is over with actually wanting to still be with them because they feel very similar and so this is what I will be chanting again and again to myself.

You sound level headed, that you are going to take your time. If he has changed then he will give you all the space and time that you need to sort things out.

yes MrsM hope you are ok. and you GS. and Maggie.

luffs to all.
and yes i am glad to be back as mink again. it is like my maiden name. just needed a break so you could not search all posts at once but Bernard always gives me away in the end.

Am not really here... skim-reading on the way to bed; just posting to wave to Tis.

Lasinge Married Maiden<

hmm, yes, why did I not think of putting it like that?

Still, I agree, 'LaSinge Bodkin Heart and the Teddy of Doom take on the Pyromaniac Mindbenders'. Definitely has potential.

I was really today when I saw a girl in school uniform sneaking out of our back lane with a man who was definitely older than her. It made me really uncomfortable, mostly the age dynamic though he was probably only a few years older, rather than the fact it is private ground, I can't see how that does not have an element of FWittery in it.

That apart, very, I'd say that at the moment, you do not need to do anything, just take one day at a time. you should not push yourself, he should not push you. You know, at the end of the day, you can always honestly say to DS, that you find it hard too, and are just taking one day at a time, but you and his dad will always be there for him, no matter what happens.

Fi I watched that video from start to finish. Made me feel sick, with recognition. V powerful.

bounty thanks for your thoughts, doubt I'll be able to afford to buy anywhere soon (paltry freelancer income) so I'll be renting for the foreseeable. Which I am actually ok with, I like my little flat. It's just very frustrating that the mortgage on our (soon to be sold) 4-bedroom detached house was cheaper than my rent on a 3-bed flat with no garden. I can't get a mortgage, but could afford to pay it. Sigh.

very I absolutely agree - it is possible (although rare) for an abuser to affect wholesale change. But there needs to be complete commitment and determination to do so, as well as a recognition of your needs in this all. And you need space right now. So, at the very first, you can know if he is committed to wholesale change by keeping going with your plans and having some space. If he is happy that you are having space, all well and good, you can see how things go. If he isn't, well you have your first indication that he's not as committed as he says he is.

I think LaSinge Bodkin Heart sounds like a very posh name!

sweetpea that would make me uncomfortable too. I see FWittery everywhere now, I feel very sensitive to any signs of it.

Blows kisses to all imaginary and non-imaginary friends... I'm off to bed. Sleep well all xx

Hi all.

I am still at my friends. Going home tomorrow after hospital visiting.

I spoke with DS 18 this evening. Asked if he and h were ok. He said h is moving his stuff out.

It feels really strange.

I'm scared, nervous, apprehensive.
My emotions are in check. I'm not so weepy.

Very- I get it. I feel the same.

Is this the right thing?

I don't know how I'm going to manage financially. I have no income

FFF - have you looked at the benefits you are entitled to? Child tax credits, housing benefit, council tax benefit, etc?

Here holding your hand.

< waves to all>

Been up with dm chatting and downing , just quick catch up before bed!

heg I really LOLed at "his tongue will not pass my lips" - oh yeah, I am on message there with you!

bernard you are a bad boy

iPony you naughty docking person, you - docking better than hoovers, don't forget

charlotte Tis fi and everyone, hello and see you tomorrow when I am more competent!

xxx

Good morning all.

I am so tired but not managing to sleep.

Visiting friend in hospital today then will be heading home. I haven't had any contact with h since Sunday. I think he may have moved out now.
I keep thinking 22 years. It's so sad. I feel so sad.

Thank you for this thread. Reading VERY, Colin and Pony are feeling/have felt the same way makes me feel normal I guess xxx

Keep swimming just keep swimming 🐠🐠🐠🐠🐠

Oh the Dory pictures didn't come out xx

fff sending you lots of strength for today. I hope you don't mind me sharing what I felt on the evening that EXP left, just in case it might help you.

After he had gone and taken almost all his clothes and toiletries I delved to the bottom of the wash basket to find anything remaining of his. I wanted to get anything if his washed and out of my way ASAP. For some reason loading the washing machine with his clothes that last time tipped me over the edge.

I wept, wailed, felt I'd made a terrible mistake, thought I must be insane and simply could not believe what I had done. The regret and grief was awful.

BUT BUT BUT BUT it passed. I wailed, posted on here, called a dear friend who's judgement I value (and who tries not to demonise EXP too much, but still disapproves of his selfishness).

It really honestly truly passed. In reality it didn't mean I had made an awful mistake. Yes, I have some doubts and some regrets, I think that is to be expected. They are real but manageable.

So if you do get hit by a tsunami this evening my love, just cling on, don't fight it, don't make any rash decisions. Let it pass, let us support you.

Thank you those who posted their thoughts on EXP's about turn- Im taking it all in and taking my time. He is away ATM with, even though he's not actually living here anyway, does help.

Having an angry day today. So what's new I hear you ask?! Well, what's new is that I have to be circumspect because of my ever present fan club

It started off well, a good day even, and then I went to B&Q and on the way there was assaulted by all sorts of memories - so many memories of being set up for a fall, of somehow always ending up in the wrong, of arguments I couldn't win, of just sheer misery.

Now that I have obtained distance (of a sort) I can assess the past much more objectively and I have found that life held very little happiness, and a huge amount of frustration and misery. I will never again allow anyone to make me feel that way. I will never again allow anyone to rule me. I will never allow anyone to make me disappear.

I'm here. I'm me. And it's going to stay that way. It has been - and no doubt will continue to be - a rocky ride, but I'm so much happier now that the ride is worth every bump

FFF and very sending you strength. it does hurt. this is not a choice anyone would want to have to make. you would not be normal if you were not sad. it is not just who they are but who you thought they were and what you thought you might do together. the uncertainty as opposed to the devil you know all too well. the finally giving up and giving in when for so long you have been clinging on trying to make it work anyway you could think of.

and also the complete unfairness of it all. you tried very hard and still you must suffer the consequences of something which is not your fault.

I think one of the things that defines all of us is that we did not give up easily. we tried. we really tried. to change them, to change ourselves, to cope. but you cannot keep trying on your own with someone who is at best pretending to try in the hope you will keep doing all the hard work and putting up with all the crap.

it is not fair.
so let it out. wailing, mourning and ice cream are all appropriate at this point.

and we tried because we hope. so when you stop trying it seems hopeless. but it is not. as we are by nature hopeful people there is always hope for the future. it just takes while to readjust your imaginings and start imagining a future without them in it. and to realise just that, if nothing else, just that one single fact, they are not your future, is in itself a change for the better.

Tis yy to frustration. I think of all my emotions that was the overriding one. that and resentment.

yay to you being you. and to all of us finally being ourselves cheers to that. (later)

Tis going back through everything and seeing the reality is really hard. I think it is important to do so. When the relationship is over you still question yourself and if you did things wrong and it is difficult and then when you see things clearly it's difficult again as you realise just what happened and how little there was you could do about it and just how wrong it all was.

I'm really struggling to do what I should be doing at work today. I just can't concentrate (doesn't help that today's task isn't all all interesting). I keep checking my emails, facebook, texts etc., not because I expect to hear from EXP, I think I just crave contact with people IYSWIM, and its a distraction from the task in hand.

EXP is been playing in a major competition yesterday and today. He was so pleased to have qualified for this several months ago (and I was delighted for him). I can track his progress online (I know, I shouldn't but I can't help myself). He is playing really badly. I feel terrible for him, and also very very guilty- this split is bound to be affecting his performance and while I know I shouldn't shoulder all of the blame (which may be the way he sees it), I have had a hand in him leaving and when he reached out at the weekend I couldn't give him the reassurance that he wanted that it wasn't too late.

Very have there been times he's stopped you from fulfilling your potential without a second thought, concentrating etc? If so, not to be tit for tat, but don't worry. I don't think there's anything wrong craving contacr with people - I'm exactly the same, i'm on whatsapp, Facebook, texting and it's a great distraction. My concentration at work is just about starting to improve. I had a month of work, this is my third week back, for the first week I did nothing, last week was better, this week better still.

Will catch up on the rest in a bit.