Support for those in Emotionally Abusive relationships:22

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
a check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

what couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

Colin to FW being happy about his abuses causing you pain, but when others did it, it was just you being negative! EXACTLY THAT!

So happy for your busy saturday night (washing Fw outta your hair!)

Also, this: He feels he has won and is whistling a happy tune because he will be happy labouring under the misapprehension that I am suicidal over his exit and OW because his desire to control and make me miserable is his reason d'etre.

it is with sinister chill that I start to fully realise the extent of their depravity, which I always had my eyes and ears firmly shut to, that I couldn't believe and now do. I know it will never stop.

but there are consequences heg he lost the best thing that he ever had (or had the privileged opportunity to share a life with!). He screwed up and now you've gone. He killed the lerrve.

there is plenty out there to have our faith in human kindness trashed, but there is plenty to restore it tooo.

His behaviour has consequences heg, many far more painful than a criminal record.

I have 'used' him to make myself stronger.

Colin thanks
and of course I did not mean to sound ungrateful to everyone here who do indeed display what is best about people. i guess it is more he has damaged my trust in intimate rs. and as intimacy,love and sex as are important to me as to most people I am a bit to have had something precious destroyed.

and most of all what helps Colin is to hear you sounding so much better. I do hope this guy turns out to be nice and if not I am sure there will be others.

I guess I would for now be quite happy with something physical no strings because if there are no strings there is less chance of abuse. but being wary of the fact that men who want no strings often have an rs elsewhere

i just want to be over it and to have moved on instead of still in it. it is like when you burn yourself. even when you take your hand away the skin is still actually burning for a while and doing more dsmage and then it hurts while it heals. but it does heal eventually. had hoped Lundy would be more like running your hand in cold water and less like being told that the thing that burnt you does not care and will carry on burning anything that comes near it.

first job though get my sense of humour back.

the afterburn of it is horrible heg

my philosophy now on future rs, know what you are getting into. Having sex is one way of heightening arousal (well, yer, obviously, doh!); that brings 'bonding'... tread with care, till you want to be bonded to someone else! (and know who they are).

I get the 'wanting it to be over', I am tearing through this at breakneck speed, pushing and pushing myself, but then I realise it won't be over til its done.

the love and intimacy naturally follow the rest, having found the good soul, the kindness, caring and safe intimacy... the trust and the good sex follow.

slowly, slowly....

aw better what's happening x

better ((hug)) i take the court case still drags on?
if only they wouldFOTTFSOFOAWTGTFOSM.

we should write a book called healing yourself after abuse.

it us try though fi we are stronger. i realised that even when i was either him. he did not like it if i cried so i toughen up a lot. and tbh i was a bit of a drama llama before. but because i have to get on i do. anyway i am off out to get some vigorous (sadly not sexual) exercise .

re. no strings. i am one of these women that can do the no strings thing but it has consequences. usually that the guys that thought you did not really mean NO strings realise that they cannot do no strings

Intimacy, love and sex are important heg and that was something I really feared, as you'll have gathered sex was a huge pull with my FW and I haven't had many men. FW convinced me that I would only have a sexual connection with him, that I would never find anyone who liked what I liked. So, so wrong actually. Guess what! Other people like sex, love and intimacy! I had sex with FW that was true and we were intimate in a fashion, but it wasn't real intimacy. Thinking back to when I've had sex with people who are actual human beings and not a hologram reminds me what it is when you have that connection. It's not destroyed heg, you just need to find that connection and it will reignite. I say this not because of my busy night with a relative stranger, but based on a few other people I've DTD with when FW and I had broken up before. It can reignite very quickly with the right person. My FW stole my sexual self, that it was good between us because he was in tune to my fantasies and made me feel I wouldn't exist sexually unless it was with him. I realised that I do exist sexually and that my mind, body and ability to connect with another human being were why it was so great for me...he was actually selfish and my being so open made it easy for him to be in tune with me, that I ever managed to get off basically being used as real life porn is testament to my ability to take control of sex, imagine how good I could have it with someone that wants ME to enjoy myself or wants to enjoy ME!

Fi it really is chilling and disturbing how sadistic they can be. It's very difficult to believe that people are capable of this.

better It will get better for you and there are consequences as life goes on.

I think this when I think of FW (thanks Coldplay)

I used to rule the world
Seas would rise when I gave the word
Now in the morning I sleep alone
Sweep the streets I used to own

I used to roll the dice
Feel the fear in my enemy's eyes
Listen as the crowd would sing
"Now the old king is dead! Long live the king!"

Bernard Bernard Bernard. us try is true and with not either.

i am sending Bernard to stand in the corner

Hi all, I haven't managed to catch up properly since yesterday, but wanted to poke my head in. FFF stick in there. I lived with exp for 6 weeks before he moved out, it was hellish. Just keep yourself busy and Tuesday / Wednesday will come around in no time. And let yourself grieve, but don't forget grief feels very similar to heartbroken regret, and don't get the two confused!!!!

Interesting what someone said upthread about their partner not liking to see them all the time. My exp was desperate to please me a lot of the time, and quite suffocating, but he just could not cope if things did not go how he imagined they would, or if he didn't think I was reciprocating enough, and that was when the sulking would start. I read stuff on here sometimes and feel like a fraud calling my relationship abusive, because he truly adored me bonecrushingly, and I have to remind myself that the intentions behind someone's actions never excuse them. I think my ex's EA was born of deep insecurity, anger and sadness too, and still is .

Will come back to post more later, dd just woken from her nap .

have had a helpful lightbulb moment

1. what my mum said 'you wouldn't want to be him he is miserable most of the time' and he think if he has his needs met he won't be miserable only his needs can never be met because he always wants more.
2. a lot if what is wrong with his life without going into detail is because of needs of his own that only he can meet and weirdly he us too selfish and lazy to even meet his own needs let alone anyone else's - he has stuff he needs to do but won't and it costs him money and makes him unhappy and he cannot even blame me anymore.
3. i have got lots of other things in my life and every night when i kiss my angelic sleeping dcs i feel a bit sad for him that he never does this because it is the highlight of my day. (they are only angelic by virtue of the fact they are asleep )

Heghog you made me chuckle at last bit

Thanks for guys for so many many wise words. The following really stick out for me:

When was the last time HE considered what was fair to you?

I think its important to know for yourself, that you owe him nothing. he has a debt to you, on the other hand, that he will never repay

Lundy says to FW relationship is war. so nothing wrong with an ambush

sleep - just another way of leading a totally separate FW life! Totally out of sync with anyone other than self

All of those are so very very true for me at the moment. So thanks xx

FFF hang on in there. Thanks for being so honest about the feelings that you are experiencing. I know that I'm going to be exactly the same. Totally grief stricken and upset. I feel like I'm in a no-win situation. I really don't want to stay in the marriage but I desperately don't want to get divorced either :(

But colin you are giving me hope that if I can stick it out then I will get to a happier place.

I have booked a session with a counsellor this week. I'm a bit scared because I'm not that sort of person really but am hoping it will just help me understand why I so desperately don't want to upset FW. If I can get past that it will be easier I think. I know that if he came to me and siad Look we're making each other unhappy so lets seperate that I'd be ok with that. Wouldn't feel so sad. When I thought he had an OW on the go (which he still might though I wonder whether the niceness to me was because she'd binned him) but I thought at least he can be happy with her. stupid really. And I know he'll never let me go willingly.

heg, hooray for lightbulbs. Does thinking about him in this way help with how you are feeling?

I haven't caught up properly on the posts today (except I did see fi posting, hope you are ok lovely, not heard much from you). Been flat out - day 1 of clearing my stuff out of the house, in preparation for the sale hopefully going through on Friday. It's been hard going physically, and not an easy task emotionally either. Was really odd being back in the house for the first time in over six months, and seeing it looking all turned upside-down with bags and boxes everywhere. But wasn't as hard as I thought it would be, so that's something. And now that I've done Day 1, and I've got 7 or 8 boxes of stuff to sort through, I kind of feel ... not sure how to describe it, but approaching peaceful. It helps that today has been a fast day (doing the 5:2 diet) and I often find myself feeling strangely calm on those days anyway. But I'm looking forward to getting Day 2 done with tomorrow, then that will be my involvement with that house over with. After tomorrow, I will put it from my mind and enjoy the rest of my birthday week.

And I am not going to worry about the fact that the house is a tip, and if FW is supposed to be moving out on Thursday night, I have no idea how he is going to manage it. There is still a lot of stuff not packed. I can imagine that the new owners are going to be moving into a very dirty (and possibly not entirely empty) house on Friday. And don't even get me started on the garden, with the charred BBQ (FW also likes to play he-man/firestarter), rubbish everywhere and long grass. But not my problem. I haven't lived there in over a year - and believe me, when I left the place, it was left clean and tidy!

Is it weird that I am ridiculously pleased to get my electronic kitchen and bathroom scales back?? It's the little things, isn't it?

Anyway, I'm going to have a quick attack of a couple of the bin bags so my room looks less like a junk shop, then go to sleep. I am bushed!

Oooh another gem: don't forget grief feels very similar to heartbroken regret, and don't get the two confused!!!!

Heg - I understand the need to want to move on. I wish I could fastforward to 5 years down the line and be happily married with someone else who is a fantastic father to DD and who knows maybe another little baby. But I need to get over the stumbling block of actually trusting again and it's hard to belive that could ever happen

And why are DC so much more adorable when asleep??!?

And why are DC so much more adorable when asleep??!? cos when they are awake we are just so busy dealing with them and being exahusted ! we can really look at them through pure love when they are sleeping, the little cherubs... aw...

good luck [with EVERYTHING!] this week Pony what a significant week for you.. very good to hear that the revisiting was less of a shocker than you had anticipated, another one ticked off

Well, I guess five years is a very long time Bounty and at the other end of that everything loooks very different for sure, regardless of who's there looking with you.

nuvver one turning in the towel.... zzzz

pony yrs
i know i shouldn't even be thinking about him and my happiness does not rest on his happiness but i just had a horrible thought that making me miserable made him happy. but instead i think it is that he was desperately trying to make himself happy and i was just collateral damage. i don't want to go through the rest of my life hating him and being afraid of what he is capable of. i can see that there is no incentive for him not to abuse his partner again but also that ultimately it won't make him complete.

so i am feeling a bit better. still having to take little steps.

glad you got a good start on the house and it was not too traumatic.

sorry i have so me me me lately. just having a wobble.

that should say his unhappiness. i small one making him happy or even trying.

argh Bernard. i am done making him happy or even trying.

pony glad today went ok for you. I bet you will have a sense of the end of a chapter when you get through the week. And hopefully that will lead on to another happier chapter for you.

heghog I think it is a bit easier to imagine that making us unhappy is/was just a byproduct of pleasing themselves rather than the alternative of them setting out to intentionally make us miserable. I do think that FW loves me in his own way, but just that it is a twisted not normal form of love. I'm not sure he is capable of normal love. I can see and believe that he truly loves DD with his whole heart yet he still does things that put her needs well below his own. Someone described it as like loving a dog and I think that fits perfectly.

hey all hope your ok..

hugs fff

been reading lots of lundy today n it kinda proved i am right about how i was treated, and assurance its not just me going mad
fw this week used facebook and mutual friends to try intimidating me again posting that when he gets his baby off me, hes going to have him support his fave team. hes a cocky arrogant fw who is very sure hes going to have this baby taken from me and hes going to be in control. even though hes not allowed contact with his dc1
and when he gets his court order, hes going to complain that im not obeying it, so hes given residency/i go to prison.
hes trying to push me, trying to pressure me to react so he can say 'see, told ya so, shes a crank' deep breath

im trying not to let his tactics get in my head, i have 2 crucial gcse exams to do this week, which the future i want is pretty much dependent on.

honey exam hand holding.
what a twunt . surely even his fakebook friends will be at that. and i don't think the court either hand babies over or imprison mothers for breaking contact orders. he is a delusional fool. and this is also just part of the abuse. it is not even what he wants. he just wants to be nasty.

stay off fb until after your exams if you can and don't let the bastard grind you down.

thanks, sounds like a ruddy good plan heg, the damn site is host to more hassel than its worth half the time xx

Hi everyone.

Thank you for all your hugs, support and encouragement.

I have just read through the messages and caught up with you all.

I am staying at my friends house whilst she is in hospital. It will keep me busy for a few days getting it ready for her coming out. And I'm on my own so I can just enjoy the peace.
Have been a bit stronger today. No tears at all.

I think h is stalling. He told me that he had booked carpet cleaners in for today so that the place he is moving in to was clean and fresh. I have spoken the guy that does the cleaning and he told me that he hadn't been asked to do a specific day. It makes it very difficult having to keep bringing up 'when are you going'? It just causes a row.

I have been calm today.

Some of you have mentioned about separating the grief from wanting him back. I know what you mean now. You spend years thinking you need an excuse to end the relationship. Then you get a definitive excuse/reason. Then you question is this what I really want. Then the tears and upset kick in. You wonder if you are doing the right thing.
I'm thinking all these things.
I'm wondering how I will feel if I am never going to be loved by anyone else. To feel safe and secure.

fff wobbles notwithstanding i feel more safe and secure without him here. and he was not even very threatening. just unpredictable and shouty. from the sounds of it your h makes you feel anything but safe.

glad you are finding some space.

Alice very good point re us playing by the rules ? but I guess if we didn?t, we?d be abandoning who we are and as you say, that?s important ? in the face of severe fwittery, the line between our behaviour and theirs is an important one in our self respect.

Fairy it sounds like you?re going down the right road, hard though it is. I am here, handholding with you, lovely. I am going to get the D papers served this week, so I?m right there with you in the dark hole! We will wave Zippos and fight our way out of the mountain together, eh!

heg I stud what wax, Saudi ? wow, man you need a gig at the vixens

Talking of waxing ? anyone had that passive aggressive moment in the bathroom and shaved their armpits with their fw?s precious razor ? just me then, ahem And I did go ?ha ha ha? out loud in a sinister voice as I did it

colin I?m so glad we count amongst your positive, faith-in-people affirming experiences

pony good luck with all your healing sorting. Yay for the scales!

honey copy those fakebook posts ? they are threats and abuse and will be viewed seriously by the courts.