Support for those in Emotionally Abusive relationships:22

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
a check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

what couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

Ahh, fool, you are a star!

Maggie, sooo good to hear you sounding so strong - and freeeeee! :o

Alice, that was a brilliant response to your FW - don't regret it!

yummy - blaming you for the dcs being sick?! Hilarious... Lots of hand-holding for Sat - and if it's not physically impossible to combine the two positions, we'll be behind you wielding various kitchen implements! Very sensible to insist on public place. Keep your phone with you and charged at all times, too, just in case.

Lemon - tiny sausages, love it! :o The mind does do strange things sometimes, doesn't it?

Lahti, yes, I think that is the hardest thing about the control, the not recognising it at the time...

for fool missing from my post - not enough emoticons, panic!! :o

So, I had the Relate session this morning and as promised asked about the protocol if abuse was suspected. She was ahead of the game, from what I'd said about his controlling behaviour she'd already planned that we should meet separately next time. I was quite impressed. It's just one session each, though, and then meet together again. With the aim of smoothing the separation. Do hope he starts to accept it at that point.

The counsellor asked him not to talk to me about the separation until the last session and he quickly agreed. Since then he has sent two texts, copied me on an email to his dm about this morning's sesh and written me a lengthy email about a revelation he had that he is in fact all bad and I am all good. So it's good to see he's taking that seriously!

Charlotte taking things over-literally is another FW weapon. Texts and emails are not talking, you see.

Until recently, I kept having dreams where FW and I owned 3 houses and were trying to sort all the stuff out in them, and decide who had which. Not troubling, but somehow bloomin hard work type dreams

Thanks for the thread fool
monte I know how my stress levels are by my sleep patterns. Hate it when my mind is so bossy and wakes me up or will not let me sleep. Wish I could run that far . Must get fit, I need to be.... please inspire me ladies. No childcare for gym ect...
Been upset today a lot and in work, but rallied... tried to do life story work last night (well nominated person did).. the result was a very angry DS, I try to keep boundaries, he is then upset with me then at school which he never is. No more.... let court deal with it. Think that may be me getting stronger.... or more foolish... that confidence will be rock bottom the night before I go back in so don't worry I am not fixed. Please pray my judge is Lundy Bancroft imagine that

oooooo yy Silvery literal interpretations... Charlotte so strong lovely... you are ahead of the game, and reassuring to know that they are with you on that definitely

Fool -

Honoured to be in company of FW brander Lemon

the ridding the house of the FW ghost to achieve a drastic drop in adrenalin took me a few months, kept thinking his dark lurky sinister mood would appear round the next door,come up the stairs, slam the kitchen door, etc. but the night stuff for me has persisted. If the relationship properly ends and you can escape it emotionally/mentally too, but depends how long that bit takes (its my theory and I'm sticking to it )

happy hols Fool

:o Fi, you are on form tonight!

Oh yeah happy hols fool I'm sneaking off myself next week... a bit gutted I booked return tickets now
Thanks for the prays fi it's got a right good ring to it `Judge Lundy'... if I see it on the list i'll have to make sure I am not taking my valium tablet at the same time, ill choke to death.
My FW never lived here but I still can't face him, my face goes all strange.. I have learned radio silence on here - and that is how it will remain with him until by last breath. I see it as there being no point in saying a few words to him, as a million + would never give me the opportunity to say everything I need to.
Need to start practising standing in a dock.... like a criminal... when there was me just thinking I was being a Mum. Got some thinking beads someone just gave them me on a train, going to hold them....will Judge Lundy think I am strange? I need a pocket and then I can just get them out and no one may see as I think my lower half is covered.. need to check that - crikey it must be late am I coming across as having lost it think I am just glad not to be crying...

Hi I'm just joining in the new thread.
I find that I can't get off to sleep at a reasonable time then I'm shattered in the morning.
So much swimming about in my head.

oh yyyy to the radio silence makes them crazy mad

you don't have to 'face' him, I was told yesterday by the police after an hour and half interview that they would apply for complete protection for me to not have to face him, video links, the lot.

I would suggest you take something very precious of your DC? (do not know your DC situation, so making assumption here), or something very dear and powerful to spur you on, a gift (we're talking small here tho, not the new chocolate fountain bought by special friend/family for xmas). Even get 'notes' of wishes from loved ones (again, small slips of paper - something you could tuck in pockets and feel the strength of during the dock time, or tuck in bra and know they are close to your heart.

yyy one word - a million, all falling on deafness

sweet dreams to all xxxx

breathe is it Family or Crim Court? sorry can't remember...

Hello all

Yes lahti I was feeling great but then texts off FW have exhausted me. I haven't replied but still exhausted. Only one today so at least it's over. The thing that's bothering me is that I still feel I want him back.

On a plus side, my mates are rallying around like nothing I could have imagined and I actually feel really loved so Ner Ner FW

Thanks for the new thread fool x

Hand holding for Saturday yummy

Colin it's great you've got great friends around you

Just nipping in - angry email from one of FW's sisters just came through. Feeling a bit upset by it, but I know I'll calm down. She accused me of being abusive to her parents because I described FW as abusive to them! And said that there is always fault on both sides in any dispute.

What I call the six-of-one, half-a-dozen of the other fallacy. Even close friends think it must be true

Charlotte I remember reading the par in Lundy which talks about his family and friends and the use of that line, there is always fault on both sides. Taking a neutral `its both of them' stance is taking the side of the abuser (I know you know this and that is why the email is upsetting).The simple answer back for me is that, no there is not always fault on both sides, defending yourself is not abusive, explaining a situation to his parents is not abusive.
Fi nice idea about taking something of DS's
Lhati after years of absence just one little things bring everything back - I hate myself that I can't stop it. It is like he has just goni
e round one of those swing doors and I am still stood there following his last threatening actions. I can't bear the sound of his voice, if court make me take phone calls from him, it will destroy me.

better, it will not destroy you, you are a very very strong person who has got this far and will continue to take steps to keep and maintain control of your own and DS's life.

If the court make you take phone calls, you go out and you get a really cheap £5 a month mobile phone, and you agree to take calls at a designated time only. You DO NOT give him either of your normal numbers. You get the cheap phone out 5 minutes before he is agreed to call and you keep it on for ten minutes, and then you switch it off again, and go out and do something fun with DS. In other words, you contain it.

I hope that it does not come to this, and that the court listen to you. Plus, maybe my advice is rubbish, but my point is to see yourself as being able to control the situation and limit the intrusion into your life to the best of your ability, however you do it, that way you rob him and the court of the power to destroy you. They do not have that.

((Hugs))

There's plenty I want to say to my sil, but I've settled for just "I don't want to convince you of my point of view. It's nothing to do with your relationship with him, after all, and why would I try to spoil that? All I wanted to say was that separation is not a step I am taking on a whim. But perhaps that didn't need saying."

I'm seeing a good friend for a quick coffee this afternoon - will probably do a lot of offloading!

I think that's great advice butterfly. Hopefully the court will see and not make you take his calls better x

Thanks butterfly but don't you find that thier controling actions then makes you have to do things like that, that they could then turn round and say makes you controling? contain is a great word.
Anything I offer to exp will be pushed to the limits and taken advantage of with his usual line of oh sorry judge I didn't know I couldn't do that'... it's not my fault' b*llshit.
My Ds and I have lived our lives for all these years so tightly intertwined - to sart unpicking that will hurt us both and he gets in the middle. If he takes DS to activities instead of me, I loose my friends there, not that they will put up with him, the court can't order eveyone to accept him, and I know they will not. Exp will not want to pay for anything for a start and say `his mum will pay you'... DS will not want him there... I don't think exp will like it... but by this time things will be messed up.
Charlotte you have been very reasonable. Thanks Not

better

Thanks Charlotte

Thankyou not, it's the only thing that is helping at the moment

charlotte yes you've been reasonable and that is just classic projection/manipulation.

I'm not having a great day, feel so sad about everything and it's been a month and I can't believe it's over. Missing FW more than words can say. He hasn't sent me any abusive texts today and I even miss that, which is just twisted. He's all happy with his new girlfriend and I'm just without him.

better, I think there is a massive difference between setting boundaries and trying to control/limit the intrusion into your lives and trying to control another person. You agree the time, he calls the agreed number and that is all. You are not being controlling, you just don't accept that he has free rein to call whenever he likes on your personal numbers, so it is about boundaries, and making an arrangement which allows you to get on, as best you can, with your life, ditto DS.