Support for those in Emotionally Abusive relationships:22

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
a check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

what couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

butterfly absolutely agreeing with wise words... we have been told over and over, over the years it is us controlling them!?!?!?!? yeah right! them who do whatever the fuck they like, throw the DCs around, shout and swear and scream, terrify the DC... What are we controlling exactly???? not them thats for sure (don't make me laugh).

Now its time for you to feel entitled better to your own control of your own life, and theirs [DCs]

Woke up all feisty today! What is this strange new me!

y y to getting on with life...

Thanks Butterfly and Fi I feel like a child needing explanations as I get so paranoid, the court system doesn't help. It is bringing back the memory I guess of asking if he could ring and let me know when he and his mum were coming to see DS four days after he was born. He didn't, rang when he was round the corner, I wasn't well - he screamed and shouted down the phone because I said it was best to leave it another day, called me controlling. I let them come, it was terrible - his mum even started saying she didn't think I had had a c-section WTF !!! I had only met her once before.
It's all these years later and I'm still so hurt by it.... but I can't move on now he has a noose around my neck again. A big cheque to pay legal fees and I have to pay my own.... must remember the word boundaries

Oh better :(

Blimey - I go away for a week and return to yet another new thread.

The week was ... confusing. Surprise surprise after our talks last weekend the Mr nice Fw came on holiday. There was not a single mention of my weight or shape. He positively encouraged me to eat drink and be merry. There were a couple of monior put downs including a throw away 'she's a crap mother too' directed at me when we saw someone else struggling to control their toddler. But generally nice FW which makes it so much harder to leave.

One voice in my head is telling me that I have never actually told him not to call me fat etc and therefore I'm being unfair as I've not given him the chance to improve. The other voice is telling me that nice people do not need to be told not to call their wives fat (esepecially when they're not)

I have decided that I'm going to go ahead and sign and pay for my house as planned this week. Will probably move my parents furniture in next week as planned but may not take the items that I own in our house. And then I know that it is there and wasy to get to when I need it. Yes some money may be wasted but at least I have it.

I've thought about this a lot this week and it feels 'right'. If he has changed then in 6 months I won't renew and will carry on living here. But my gut is telling me that he hasn't changed and that I wil need it. Am also planning on asking to see his phone and messages from the lady he was texting (suspected OW) and see what has been said recently. Since I confronted e has put on a password so I've not been able to see. I suspect this may sour Mr nice pretty fast. But I know that I need to know what has being said since I confronted. Yes this means that I don't trust him at the moment but if he wants me to then this is the terms that it is on. I'm fairly sure that he'll refuse. I am quite sure that there will be things on there he doesnt want me to see.

Right off to cook tea and then back later for a catch up

Oh better, sweetie, how was that being controlling? Any reasonable rational person would have firstly called as you requested, and secondly accepted that the timing was wrong and come back when it was more convenient. They ignored your wishes and. ambushed you when you were 4 days post c-section with a new baby and they managed because you were in a vulnerable position. That is controlling and nasty .

The best explanation I read re boundaries (I have been taking a crash course) is that you imagine a circle or line around you, like a wall. The wall has gates, you decide who or what gets through the gate. Normal, non bullying people respect that.

You were not being controlling, he and his mum were not respecting your boundaries.

Apologies for the 'sweetie' not very MN, but used as a term of affection among my friends. Did not have MN head on.

bounty I don't know your situation fully but good luck! I doubt he'll change. Mine never did!! And the othe rthing that stood out in your message was that he said "she's a crap mother too" OUCH! What a bloody loaded statement.
My copy of Lundy Bancroft has come through - I have to say I am nodding and hooked and can't believe I have not read it a zillion years ago. Why oh why did I not read it a zillion years ago? I would not be here now if I had. Thank you ladies for guiding me in that direction!
fairy love this feisty you!
As for me? Feisty, kick ass, NOT grieving that he has gone. Loving being alone (with kids). Tonight - 4 year old has stomach bug - puked 4 times; loads of washing; poorly crying baby and the boiler is playing up..I am not in the slightest stressed by this because FW was never helpful in these situations anyway. HEY FW - LOOK AT ME COPING YOU ARSE. You said I wouldn't be able to cope. But what you forgot is that I cope and cope and cope because you have made me a solid, hardened survivor.

Sorry ladies, had to get that off my chest x

god this all sounds horribly familiar better. speak to WA about court support, advocacy, etc.

Nothing to apologise for, Monte - that's fantastic to hear!

butterfly that's pretty much how my counsellor described boundaries. I think I need to make them explicitly clear in any future relationship I had as I really had none in my marriage. He would throw things and shout at me and all I felt I could do is tell him not to. Then I'd be told to "fuck off back to your mum's then if you don't like it." It seemed that those were my only two options: put up and shut up, or leave. So I left. I find it hard to believe that I could state what I will not tolerate and someone would respect that.

Better you don't sound like a child needing things explained, the amount of stress and different things you must have going on your head will be a lot to take in and sometimes having someone put something across in a different way can just make things click

Bounty your not being unfair at all, you shouldn't have to tell your partner not to call you hurtful negative things that put you down. Any nice caring person would not do that

Go for it monte

Hi all

Hugs to everyone who needs them. All kicked off here last weekend. Involved police, admission from H and ended serving him an injunction on Weds. Bit of a mammoth week for me. Feeling really down this evening. I know he was a fw and all but I miss him like crazy and keep thinking a load of it was in my head and what have I done :( Stupid but you know, 15 years is still 15 years. It's just sad thinking about what should have been. I never wanted a divorce. Hell, I even said the night before I got kicked the crap out of "let's never get a divorce" :( It's horrendous not being able to speak to him but it's for the best. I'm just feeling so lonely :( Which is stupid because I was terrified and miserable with him here...

yy decent ppl don't go round saying the nastiness things that they possibly can to intend to cause maximum pain. What IS wrong with the fuckers? No answer required - noone should try getting inside the head of FWs!!!

Its good to know this will all go away Petals Keep reading and posting, it helps a lot to get it out of your head, and get other stuff in your head that will switch on all the lightbulbs of how real it is, not made up by you.

No longer alone, lots of ladies here to support and chat stuff through that understand better the things you experience. It perhaps is 'should' have been, but obviously could never have been, that dream is a sad one to let go of, the grieving helps with the moving on.

Thanks fairyfi It all seems a bit like nothing now. A few days have passed. I'm not as stressed as I was so therefore not going mad and obviously no longer scared but I can't get my head round how bad it actually was. I feel like I need him to come and hug me and say "it's all going to be ok" except he won't and it isn't. :( There's no going back now and it's definitely grieving. Yet I feel like I've been forced into it all by him. It wasn't my choice. Even though it was. Gah! I don't know what I'm trying to say. Just my mind feels unsure and my heart hurts like crazy :(

petals, it all takes time, it is a lot to process and it sounds like it has been very scary. Be gentle on yourself. You can mourn what it should have been without wanting what it was back, iyswim

better, no, I do not think you were like a child needing stuff explained either, I hope I did not come across like that. In my mountains of reading I did at the end of my marriage and once we split up, I came across the entirely novel (to me) concept of boundaries. It was a lightbulb moment, because I had had none.

LaSinge, yes, I used to get, well, I am going in x hours so you will be rid of me then.

It is kind of scary that I got to this age with no concept of a personal boundary and a right to say no with the expectation of being listened to.

petals Iyt's totally understandable that a normal, loving affectionate person like you would grieve for your OH, even though it was so abusive being with him, because it's what you've know for 15 years and of course he wasn't always like that, so you remember the better times and feel very alone I imagine? That's how I felt/feel/will feel. I am glad for your safety and long term happiness that he is away from you though. It's no way to live, you deserve love and decency, not "kicking the crap out of" - how the hell do they get us to normalise this stuff but we all do it. Take care xxx

Hello all! I need to catch up properly. I've been at my gym class (woo hoo for me ) and am now having a nice celebratory and chat with me mates down the Vixens Here, have a Wotsit...

we do know what you are trying to say, take it slowly. Its a confusing time, and being pulledin all directions, stick with your direction and you, stick with the protection of yourself, coming from the pain he caused.

Walk steadily through the process, some steps forwards and sometimes back, but just steadily one step in front of the other, baby steps just now Petals xx

Diving in if that's not too rude? Emotionally exhausted with no energy to write my story, but will read all of this when I have more mental capacity.

Hello Noregrets and welcome, though sorry that circumstances have brought you here. Come and sit by the fire in our virtual pub and have a glass of something and take some time to relax with us.

thanks Fly always enjoy a friday night dirty wotsit cheeers!

My DDog must go next to the fire as she just jumped ina bog on the way over the windy moors, and is dripping, but happy

suggestions?

welcome Noregrets sorry you belong here, but I like your positive name

charlotte so much of what you have written over the last week or so resonates with me and gives me hope. FW has continued to be nice but I just cannot believe it is a proper change. I've not had much chance to read Lundy but hopefully will get chance now we're home. However I can see FW trotting out the lines such as 'I did everything she asked and still she wants to divorce'

Can I ask everyone's honest opinions. Am happy to be told I'm in the wrong if I am I want to demand to see FWs phone and the recent texts between him and this lady that I think may be OW and he has said is just a good friend. He would never admit it her being an OW though as that would mean instant marriage end and he knows that. But since I asked him and let on that I'd read the texts he has now put a passcode onto the phone which I don't know.

So if I ask to read the recent exchange is that wrong on my part? A bit of me thinks that it is almost controlling FW like behabiour on my part. But another bit thinks that surely in a marriage a secret friendship is wrong. And if it was totally innocent then he wouldn't mind me seeing surely?

Thoughts please ...