Support for those in Emotionally Abusive relationships:22

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
a check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

what couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

Good to know that St Lundy of Bancroft doesn't believe it, either, isn't it, bounty? Pah, even if he could, I can't.

FW here is being irritatingly obsequious. Cups of tea offered like clockwork, rushing to do any job before I get to it, very attentive to dcs. I'm sure he thinks that because we had a nice family day yesterday and will probably have another one today, and I'm speaking to him pleasantly, that things are getting back on track. Because that's about how deep he goes...

Fly, so glad you had a good day yesterday - recharging is so important and so difficult in our situation.

Just wanted to wish you luck Alice

Re changing, it took FW a month after we split to ask what he could do to make it better. That is how long it took for the outrage to subside, that I had the temerity to end it.

It is all very hard, however you do it.

Alice yy to them being awake but pretending they're not so they don't have to engage with the family.
pony I don't usually fast on a Sat but I started my usual fast day with a glass of wine with a friend and finished it eating antipasto and thornton's chocolates hence why I was fasting on Sat instead.
I need to start moving forward with building a new life so my resolution for this thread is to finally see a solicitor/mediator and work out where I'll be financially if/when we split . . .(actually I know it's when and not if but I'm a little in denial this morning).

Handholding, Alice, I have got chaos here too. Made the mistake of starting a clear out on my own with dcs.

Plus just had a run-in on the phone with my mum, as I realise that she and FW are one and the same person in disguise. OMG, totally.

Alice sorry x-posted. Don't put unneccessary pressure on yourself. Try not to let the fear of the conversation overshadow the rest of the day. Easier said than done, I know, but if I have something I'm dreading then I tell myself I'll only do it if I want to, and feel confident about it. It takes the pressure off slightly and allows me to think myself into a better place.

Your h seems to react badly most days anyway so at least his bad behaviour today will be helping you to start a new life, and it's bad behaviour you can anticipate. ((hugs))

Winnie thanks. Slightly better, managed to fix Wii, so DS is relaxing again. I took some paracetamol and hopefully that will kick in soon as well.

I'm sure it's just getting panicky about talking to him. I wanted to approach it from the viewpoint that "this just isn't working. I cannot live with constant pressure and aggression and it's having a negative effect on the children as well." But best intentions and all... it will probably slide right downhill. If I manage to get a discussion in at all. He'll just promise to try harder, which IMO is empty - he always says that, but just never does. He'll do his "if I leave this time, it's for good, there's no going back" that he always threatens. I'm think I'm ready for that now.

Butterfly sorry you had to deal with your mum. Mine can be quite controlling, although she's not near, so it's minimal, really. I love her, but she can be very hard work sometimes. You can extend your six foot fence around mine as well, if you'd like.

Sending you strength Alice, and a nice . I can understand that feeling of panic in the pit of your stomach. Will be thinking of you today. Just get through today, get the discussion out of the way and hopefully then you'll be able to relax more once he goes. The kids will still be a handful, but you'll have one less person kid to worry about.

butterfly - hope you can shake off the bad conversation with your mum, hard though I know it is. Don't let her drag you down, you are doing so well.

How's it going today bounty, any luck with the texts conversation?

tether whatever the reason, I am impressed that you got through a fast day at the weekend!

Charlotte take the cups of but don't let these insignificant acts taint your opinion of him. He's just doing what a normal DH should do, and he's having to make a superhuman effort to be like that. Re family: I had known DS1's dad's family for years before he and I got together. His sister was my best friend. I'd moaned to her about her brother plenty of times, and she agreed his drinking was a problem and I would eventually have to leave. But family is family. When it came to it, she sided with him. I should have realised and understood, but it hurt deeply. The good news is that we are now slowly rediscovering our friendship again, in the wake of their horrible year last year with both parents dying. So it's possible to get the friendship back. But for now view his family with caution - you are not their priority, unfortunately, no matter how badly their son/brother has treated you. It sucks, but there you go.

Thanks. pony, this weekend I don't feel like I am doing well. Alice, will gladly extend my fence. Yes, my mum is controlling. Long story, but we were more or less NC after some appalling things she did when I mc and then was pg with dc2, well, and a lifetime of narc behaviour. Now that I am single again, because she was vicious towards FW, I think she thinks the door is just going to be open again and it is not. The awful thing is, in the discussion we had, she was practically word for word saying the same things as FW said after we split.

Also, ex, the one I have mentioned before, not FW, texted me on Friday and I drafted a reply last night when very tired, more honest than intended, and instead of pressing save, for later editing, I pressed send. Unsurprisingly, he has not replied.

Oh well, dc2 is napping, so going to finish the clearing and then take dcs out to salvage the day. They actually had great fun with old dressing up things, so definitely not all bad.

Sorry, just to add, the comments were of the do you really think you can cope on your own variety, which is insidious, because that undermines your confidence, and also, as I know I fall short on my mum and FWs expectations, in different ways, then no, I probably can't cope in their book.

Plus the blaming, that what she did was somehow my fault. for not doing what she wanted

Sorry, went walking again to keep things less searchable.

Alice - saw where you wandered off ot. What a weekend for you. Take things easy tonight. xx

Hi all. Just logged in for some support as the text conversation is imminent. Actually feel really nervous. Partly as I'm not sure it will resolve anything other than annoy FW. But the other thing is the last few days he has been the model husband. I know that this is 99% certainly just part of the cycle anda mammoth job of hoovering but I can't help wondering about the 1% off chance that he has changed. At the moment I couldn't ask for a better father for DD and he is being a pretty good husband. If it was always like this I'd be happy. But something (partly Lundy. partly the texts I've read) is stopping me from allowing myself to enjoy this new found loveliness as I feel I'm probably risking a massive fall. ho hum

bounty sounds like egg shells to me. I used to say all the time that everything was great as long as I didn't talk about anything important. It's all surface IMO. Nothing's improved if there are subjects important to you, which you dare not raise. It's a reasonable question - ask it in a reasonable way and you've done nowt wrong. x

He's just come in so I'm about to start. Will report back later. [scared emoticon]

Good luck bounty

Thinking of you bounty. Waiting to hear you're okay.

Right I'm back. Not sure what to think really. He was pleasant and reasonable. Would not show me his phone - said all texts were deleted and that he'd had no further contact. Apparantly she was nervous of any comeback on her and so did not think their friendship was worth that. So his reply 'well done you get your own way'. He's put a code on his phone because he needs privacy. Not sure how I feel about that. I do think there is a place for privacy in a marriage.

So the questions now are

1. Has he started being nice to me as he's getting no more attention from her
2. Has realising I was ready to leave scared him into changing his ways
3. Is he stringing me a lie about no contact as he didn't actually let me look at his phone
4. Is the niceness just a nice cycle of EA.

I'm planning on sleeping on it. Still renting my place but giving it a bit longer to see what happens with his behaviour to me.

Do you think if there was nothing suspect in a friendship but your male friend's wife suspected an affair you would cut contact just-in-case or does that sound like guilty actions on her part. I'd have thought if you had nothing to hide from your husband then you wouldn't mind continuing with the friendship.

bounty glad that you're okay. I can see why you're a bit up in the air about it all. The "well done you get your own way" comment is rather off, isn't it? Like he's angry with you for messing up his affair.

I guess probably regarding your questions, logic says:
1- yes
2- no just temporarily altering them, and he obviously hasn't changed them too much as he's still acting oddly
3- possibly
4- probably

Sorry.

I think the 'well done' comment is from his point of view that he's angry with me for messing up his one good friendship (he's not really a freindship builder and rarely keeps in touch with people once he's left a job/place etc)

I think I need to sleep and see what tomorrow brings.

there's a bigger place for trust tho Bounty its something ppl earn by behaving honestly and direct, not all this. Who is being straight with you when they say 'she was nervous of any comeback on her'!!!! Intimating that you are some sort of 'what exactly' to her, and he's done that intimating, or has he? I reckon that's just his way to try to make you feel bad,

He's being nice as it was a close call and needs to hoover you. The code on his phone is to prevent you looking before he gets chance to read/delete any further texts, realising you were going to leave won't scare him into changing his ways, only being more covert, and keeping tight reins on things, and that its part of the cycle.

Unless you have actually spoken to her, nothing can be assumed, truly. It would be a very strange thing for him to share that with her unless there was something afoot, because things like this in a marriage ARE private and not just some friend's business for discussion.

We are most often better off listening to ourselves, it tells us all we need to know. If you feel you do not believe, or trust, then you don't, no matter what he's saying, you don't believe him, its all you need to know.

I just read something about only when we refer to our own instincts and feelings, rather than their influences, does our healing start.

If you are not convinced Bounty you have your answer. xx

Agreeing with Noregrets there shouldn't be taboo subjects which when entered into bring a raft of abuses to your door, and the relationship is over if you are too scared to take stuff to him! What would his reaction be if you were to say this?

Bounty this 'not keeping in touch' seems quite psychopathic?

and agreeing about the 'you get your own way' comment, being him seeing this as some kind of power thing? I'm very wary of that, that everything here was about someone getting their own way

bounty, did you ever meet this one good friend? How long had they been friends? That has some bearing on how believable the story about her ending the friendship is.