Oh my god I am going to fucking kill dh. His fucking porn habit.

[Ilovemydogandmydoglovesme]

Have just caught him watching porn for the umpteenth fucking time and this time I have snapped.

I didn't get upset and ask him why he does it and ask him if he loves me and does he want to split up. I TOLD him in no uncertain terms that if I catch him again HE will be out on HIS arse. I told him I cannot do this anymore, worrying about should we divorce and how I'd tell our little dc's. I do so much for him, I am a sahm and quite frankly I'd like to see how he gets on without me here but I wouldn't leave my dc's.

We have a great sex life. Why does he feel the need to look at these women? What's the big thrill? I just don't understand it and I never will. I don't get the urge to look at naked men all the time. He is one small fucking step away from a divorce. I don't want to turn my life on its arse and upset my children over such a stupid thing but by god I am running out of patience.

Don't expect any advice. Am not going to ltb just yet. Haven't quite got my head around that one right now but really needed to vent. Thanks for reading. Feels cathartic to write it down and know that someone might sympathise. Told DBil and his partner last time it happened. Got no help there. Think they were too embarrassed to mention it again. Lots of tutting and tea and sympathy at the time, well from her anyway, he was definitely too embarrassed to talk about it.

I discovered today, after a great deal of snooping, that dh and I are both 'administrators' on the computer. And as such, as I found this out clearly before he had the chance to alter anything himself, I can change his status to 'regular user' and therefore as he is no longer an administrator he can't change my status or any of the controls.

I was then able to deactivate his password and log on to his desktop.

I couldn't find any pictures anywhere, but I did open his Internet browser and have a look at his bookmarked pages. Apart from the banking, shopping, etc there were loads of porn sites. Chat rooms, picture galleries, etc.

I deleted them.

Then I went into my own desktop and went online and found a parental control website. I downloaded the software. I logged back on as him and tried to look up some porn and it automatically told me the site was blocked. I clicked on some more bookmarked pages that I'd missed previously and it wouldn't show them either. Result.

So I'm now the only one who can access the controls on the computer, and I've blocked any access to adult sites.

I've probably just forced him to go out and buy a secret laptop, haven't I?

On the negative side, the Internet doesn't work. I'm not sure what I've done. It worked after I downloaded the software because I was able to go online and check it worked. AVG queried it so presumeably if anything bad had tried to download, it would have caught that too?

He's sitting here beside me now as I type this on my phone. I haven't really said much to him, apart from general discussion about the dc's, so presumeably he thinks we're alright now.

Can't wait for him to try and look at his porn.

You can't stop him, he will use his smartphone or laptop instead.

The only thing that will stop him is himself.

So, you're treating him as a child (actually I trust my DS more) now.

You can't control him or make him change.

OP, I can empathise with you - your DH is doing something that he knows hurts you, that's a very hurtful situation to be in - but really? Overstepping boundaries as a means to stop him overstepping boundaries? That's a recipe for disaster - and v v v controlling.

He can't use his phone, it's not got Internet access.

When he stops behaving like a child I will stop treating him as such.

He's now put his arm around me. I am resisting the urge to punch him.

I know it's not much but it felt very satisfying.

OP, I've not read all of the thread, so I apologise if this has already been asked...

IS he acting like a child (not caring that he's hurting you and just doing it anyway) ?

Or does he have an addiction?

You have said on the first couple of pages that apart from this issue that you have a great marriage and a great sex life and that he tells you he thinks you're the bees knees - do you think that treating him like a child is going to help the situation? Do you want to be with him?

OP...sorry, but you can't change the situation by changing the computer settings. He is the problem, not the computer. And his obsession with porn isn't the only thing wrong in your relationship is it?

If he has an addiction, it's not one he wants to get over.

OP, I asked a while back if he had ever offered to stop using it completely. Has he ever offered? Or does he just go quiet when you have a blow up and then wait a while before carrying on?

OP; I understand your problem.
It is very hard to make the decision to LTB when everything else is ok and/or good.
If he was a violent, alcoholic the decision would be much easier.

Does anyone know if porn addicts do give it up, but I suppose they have to want to give it up and most wouldn't want to.

Best wishes to you. I hope life gets better.

I too remember your thread OP.

FWIW, I suspect that you arent yet at your rock bottom.

When you are, kicking him out will be easy.

It took me years... But one day I snapped and threw him out. He got help for a full blown sex addiction. That meant counselling with a professional SA counsellor.

We are now back together but it will never be the same but I understand him a little better.

I strongly suspect that your DH is an addict and you are co-dependent.

Oh and they always find ways of viewing porn, wether its Facebook, laptop, iPad, mobile, pc, DVDs or Internet enabled games consoles.

AF speaks words of wisdom. Ignore the porn apologists, they aren't even on the right page.

I put parental controls on my 12 yo ds's laptop

that is all

He's waiting you out. He's done it before and it worked.

And now you've handed him an ideal excuse - he can't possibly be looking at porn because you've taken away his access. Except he will still be looking at porn but you won't be able to find any evidence of it so he'll just point to your paranoia.

It's a hollow victory because it's not based on trust. It's a hollow relationship because it's not based on trust.

He has a compulsion - he is going to continue to act on it and you are going to have to tolerate that and live with the consequence of it wearing you down. That's your reality, that's your life, today, tomorrow, next year, in ten years time. Or not.

Do you think my computer meddling might have been a step too far then?

Bugger.

Oh well. When he finds it, perhaps we can have a talk about him getting help for his addiction. Depends how upset he is at not being able to readily access it.

Snazzy if I get upset with him he just says 'ok, alright' and nods and clams up. He ignores me. I suspect he gives it a day or so and then carries on.

Sorry to hear that AF :(

Nothing else exists for them except their addiction. Nothing. Not you o the kids or the job, nothing. The amount of headspace it must take up is incredible minutes turn into hours hen days as they browse for vermore disturbing images to get their 'high'. They literally live to exist in that bubble.

That's why, to an addict they are telling the truth when they say it's not about you. It doesn't stop it hurting though does it?

And you don't need to put up with it either. You can do it. Sometimes a reset may well be the only option.

Blistory has it ... Absolutely right!

You must not become his police, his 'accountability' partner.

It will grind you into the dust.

Surely it's get help for SA now or leave... Now! He could be in private digs before the weeks out.

I am not sorry, stellar

I did it to protect him from himself

my point is, you should not have to consider it for a grown man

if you feel impelled to control your husband's internet access to this extent...it's game over

The 'clamming up' is telling you something about him and g way he expresses himself.

You are correct though, he is waiting for it to 'all blow over'.

it has "blown over" all the other times

so why not this one ?

Do you feel grateful to him because he's enabled you to be a SAHP ? Do you somehow think he's given you something ? Your contribution to this relationship is just as equal as his but you won't see this while your self-esteem is in the gutter.

Your meddling wasn't a step too far, it was simply the wrong step. He's an adult - make him own his porn habit, not deflect it into you acting like his mother.

Stop enabling his behaviour and confront him with the reality of what this has done to you.

For what it's worth, I think the parental controls are hilarious...inspired! Love it, whether childish or not.

I don't think you're at the stage of leaving him, I just think you are deeply disappointed. And rightly so. It's almost impossible to change something so deeply engrained in him, yet you love the rest of him. So hard and I know exactly how you feel (although I don't think we would've made it past the 14000 images point!!). Best of luck.

You're right katieks I am very disappointed but I don't think I'm quite brave enough to end my marriage just yet. However I've never told him he'd have to leave before either so it's a small step in that direction.

He might want to leave however when he sees what I've done to the computer. He'll probably be pretty pissed off. Especially if I've fucked the Internet too.

in your OP you say you gave him an ultimatum about it and that he'd be out on his arse if he did it again.

So if your husband is pissed off about you meddlng with the computer, it would be unreasonable of him not to partly understand what drove you to this - you are upset and hurt because of his behaviour. Is he blissfully unaware that you are almost at the end of your tether with it?

Btw, am sure many of us have done stupid things in the past that we regret so even though it was unwise to mess with the computer, I can completely understand why you did so.

I don't have an opinion as to whether it was wise to fiddle with the pc, but it was certainly pointless

I would have blocked the porn.

OP i can understand you being upset but you doing what you have done just means he cant look at porn on that device.
It doesnt stop him wanting to look at porn and that is whats upsetting here.