Oh my god I am going to fucking kill dh. His fucking porn habit.

[Ilovemydogandmydoglovesme]

Have just caught him watching porn for the umpteenth fucking time and this time I have snapped.

I didn't get upset and ask him why he does it and ask him if he loves me and does he want to split up. I TOLD him in no uncertain terms that if I catch him again HE will be out on HIS arse. I told him I cannot do this anymore, worrying about should we divorce and how I'd tell our little dc's. I do so much for him, I am a sahm and quite frankly I'd like to see how he gets on without me here but I wouldn't leave my dc's.

We have a great sex life. Why does he feel the need to look at these women? What's the big thrill? I just don't understand it and I never will. I don't get the urge to look at naked men all the time. He is one small fucking step away from a divorce. I don't want to turn my life on its arse and upset my children over such a stupid thing but by god I am running out of patience.

Don't expect any advice. Am not going to ltb just yet. Haven't quite got my head around that one right now but really needed to vent. Thanks for reading. Feels cathartic to write it down and know that someone might sympathise. Told DBil and his partner last time it happened. Got no help there. Think they were too embarrassed to mention it again. Lots of tutting and tea and sympathy at the time, well from her anyway, he was definitely too embarrassed to talk about it.

[Snazzywaitingforsummer]

I think you are articulate enough to express yourself. You're just very uncomfortable with what you are now admitting.

And he does know what to do. He just doesn't want to do it.

You have effectively said this is a deal breaker for you. I can see you're wavering on it now, but you know inside that you are not being true to yourself and your feelings if you just let this go and rationalise things staying exactly as they are. Have you ever discussed going to counselling to discuss it?

(still trying to get my head around 14K images. How many months and years of time spent on it must that represent?... )

[AnyFucker]

Now I really am going, love. My bed is calling. I also have to be up at 5am, but I have more care for you than your own wanker of a husband.

I know I have said lots of things you really don't want to hear. I am sorry for that. You should listen to me though, and everyone else on your thread that says you deserve more than this.

[AnyFucker]

btw, it took a lot for you to admit you were the poster with the 14,000 images husband

you didn't have to do that, but I'm glad you did

I hope it's a sign you are reaching the end of what you are prepared to tolerate

[Lweji]

I'm sorry but it just feels like you are as bad as each other.

I just honesty cannot be trusted with money.

Seriously? That's really childish of you.
You are an adult and it's your choice to not control your money.
You have lied to him, and were crafty enough to ask for a consolidation loan.

Or he is simply not giving you enough money. What are you paying for?

[spidersandslugs]

Yuck. What a vile pig your h is. Sorry but gross

[spidersandslugs]

There's looking at porn & then there's the 14000 pics your h neatly organised into sub folders.

Debt or no debt, do you feel comfortable with this man around your dc? Are you 100% sure he had no kiddie porn stored?

[spidersandslugs]

He's abusing you. Controlling finances? I'm a sahm too & we make all financial decisions together. We don't have an allowance each, we try save any disposable cash.

[Ilovemydogandmydoglovesme]

I have to go to bed now, the dc's will be bouncing off the walls in about six hours.

Thank you all for all your advice. I will be back tomorrow.

[fastyspeedyfast]

Sit down with a solicitor and work out what divorce would likely look like for you - financially, where you'd live, what access arrangements might be, etc. Not telling you to leave him, but right now leaving him is a big scary unknown area. You might feel better with a few solid answers. You might feel more comfortable making that decision, to leave or not.

Again, I'm not saying LtB. But you should have a Plan B that you can implement if you feel you must.

[YoniBottsBumgina]

I bet if you did list all of your "faults"you would find that quite a few of them aren't faults at all but are just things you've internalised over the years based on what others have told you.

[cherhorowitz]

Hi OP, how are you feeling this morning?

[mercibucket]

i also remember your thread, op
what did you get the loan out for? fast living? surely your dh would have noticed your champagne lifestyle? or was it actually household stuff? your dh sounds controlling and horrible. is it worth staying with him and being ground down year after year?

[MadAboutHotChoc]

Please listen to AF.

Tell us what the debt was for? household stuff, food etc? if so then its because your H has obviously been keeping you short. Or did you spend money on things to try and make you feel better about yourself (your self esteem must be rock bottom thanks to H's vile habit)?

His attitude towards money shows how little respect he has for you - he seems to treat you like a servant.

You mention daughters - what if they caught him in the act?
what if they come across the images & videos - and believe me this could happen very easily?

How do you feel about a man who thinks its fine to wank off to images of vulnerable young girls, knowing full well he is the father of daughters? what will go through his mind when they become teenagers and bring their friends home?

His sexist attitudes will rub off on the girls.

You cannot change him.

The only thing you can change is HOW you deal with him.

[dontyouwantmebaby]

OP just wanted to pick up about the money thing, I used to be where you are now thinking I was rubbish with money/couldn't handle it/over-spent, at the time I was in a LTR with my first love. I didn't know anything else. I couldn't imagine life without him as I thought I wouldn't be able to cope, let alone financially. It was a very unhealthy relationship and I felt utterly trapped. This was over 17yrs ago.

There are so many resources that are readily available, easy accessible now in order to help people with debt & finances. Please use them, they are at your disposal and don't let this be the thing that holds you back from positioning your life on a happier course. If you email nationaldebtline your whole financial situation, they will point you in right direction for help and/or provide advice on how to deal with it. Citizen's advice are great too. Don't feel (like I did) that your partner is the only route available for tackling debts.

Oh and once we were apart, the realisation soon came that when faced with it, I could deal with those money problems on my own. They just seemed unsurmountable when I was in the bad relationship which is perhaps how you feel too?

[lisac99]

One of my ex partners was addicted to porn.

We weren?t together over the Christmas period, he told me how much he loved and missed me? I found out that he had used those 2.5 weeks looking at thousands of pictures and watching a lot of porn on TV and the internet.

Before we started seeing each other I made my feelings about porn perfectly clear so he could walk away from the relationship. He chose to be with me, saying he was absolutely fine without looking at porn.

The first time I found it, I felt like I had physically been kicked ? I challenged him, he apologised, promised it would not happen again, said he preferred me to ?the women online? and ?wanted to make it up to me??. I became more paranoid and my self esteem started to decrease.

Then I found out a few weeks later, he was watching and looking at it again. I know the ?Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me? saying now.. however at the time I internally rationalised it. THIS TIME, he knew I was serious, THIS TIME he knew what he had done, THIS TIME he really was sorry as I had told him how I feel and he knew if I caught him again, I would leave him.

Then I found out that on Valentines day, after we had a lovely evening, I had gone home, he had put on a porn DVD and surfed the internet for more pictures.

I challenged him again ? he didn?t really apologise this time and why should he? I had never followed through with any of my empty threats, I told him I?d leave him, then I?d just accept it? my self esteem was so low I felt horrendous and he didn?t care.

I left him and felt so, so much better. After the first time I couldn?t trust him, every time I thought about it, I?d get a nagging feeling of mistrust in my stomach and rather than listening to my gut feeling, I stayed with him.

OP, you say you?re upset, you?re angry? he?s done this time and time again, but you?re not willing to throw your life away with him.

Unless something changes, that is how it will stay. If you?re not willing to throw it away, nothing will change. He will continue to look at porn as he knows you?re not serious about any of your threats and you will continue to feel shit.

I?m sorry this has happened to you ? I know first hand how much it hurts.

[Mumsyblouse]

Sorry, but my mind just blew up at 14,000 catalogued pictures. That's a full-time hobby he has going there:(

Op, this is terrible and no, you do not need to live like this. His hobby/obsession is way more important than you and he will sacrifice you and the children to keep it.

[SolidGoldBrass]

Basically (as with other types of behaviour that distress or anger a partner) you have two choices: end the relationship or accept the behaviour. And when I say accept it I mean to decide, once and for all, that he has enough good points to make up for this particular fault, that it's something you can live with, rather than trying to stop him doing it, complaining about him doing it, involving other people in an attempt to bully or shame him into stopping it. You cannot force another person to give up something that s/he enjoys just because you dislike it. You can choose not to live with it and end the relationship.
I would say exactly the same if it were infidelity, drinking, gambling, complete refusal to participate in domestic work, a hobby that you disapprove of (such as hunting or cage-fighting). You are not his owner and do not have the right - or the means- to forbid him to do things - but you do have the right to walk away.

[badinage]

Any mention of 'rights' needs to be balanced with 'responsibilities'.

You both have the right not to be lied to if you're going to remain in this relationship. You both have the right to access family finances.

You both have a responsibility to be truthful about continuing a behaviour that causes the other one distress, whether that's using porn or taking out loans.

If however the one taking out a loan is having to do that because she is being deliberately kept short of money for essentials, that's a helluva lot more understandable than someone who has spent most of his waking hours over the past few years cataloguing his porn stash, despite allegedly being a partner and father....

[Ilovemydogandmydoglovesme]

Hello all.

Once again thank you for all your advice. I'm so grateful that you've taken the time to read this and try to help.

No further on today. He won't be home till late so won't get to speak to him yet.

Re. the money thing. Basically I used to earn a good wage, and then we decided that I would be the sahp when the kids came along. I was sick of working for someone else so I was more than happy to do this. Unfortunately I can't seem to kick the spending. Clothes, mainly, not designer but nice stuff. I also seem to buy all the dc's clothes but that's probably because they are girls, I like buying clothes and girls stuff is so gorgeous. Again, I need to tone this down, I know.

We both have access to a joint account that he puts a lump into each month and all the household stuff comes out of. He gives me a lump every month and leaves himself with a bit too. I took out a credit card and also have a store card and Internet shopping is just too easy. I took out a loan with my bank to cover everything as it was a cheaper way to manage it. He would go nuts, he's so careful with money and never borrows. He even put money in an Isa for me but we had to use it on a big household purchase. The next big purchase, using money from his Isa, was going to be a new car for me, so it's not like he's not generous. I know if we split that he would be supportive, especially where his children are concerned.

He's not controlling with money, as such, it's just that he earns it so he sorts it out. I can't access his bank account and take money out and I don't need to. If I need him to pay for something I just tell him and he transfers the money over. Just last week I bought a new desk for the study because the old one was on its last legs. He put the money in the account and I went out and bought it. He never quibbles the shopping bills, I doubt he could even tell you the price of a pint of milk. It would just cause a row if he knew I'd borrowed money and was wasting cash away paying interest on a loan.

I hope that clears it up but if I've forgotten anything let me know.

[badinage]

Good grief, you can't see it can you?

He gives me a lump every month and leaves himself with a bit too.

Where's your 'bit' then? And what does he spend his 'bit' on?

Beautiful but expensive clothes for his daughters?

No, I thought not.

[fuzzpig]

He is not a good person if he thinks women are objects.

I remember your thread about the catalogue of images. Just vile.

[Ilovemydogandmydoglovesme]

Badinage - he gives me an amount of money every month out of his own earnings. It's roughly what he keeps for himself. We sort of share what's left after the household bills have been paid. Sorry if this is not clear. I don't know what he spends his own money on. Car, internet bill, subscriptions, petrol, clothes, that sort of thing. What does your dh spend his money on?

[badinage]

What does your dh spend his money on?

Why is that snarky question in any way relevant to your problems?

I'm out. It's your life.

[MrsSpagBol]

^^ Badinage, I don't think the OP meant to be offensive (fingers crossed) - I think she was just trying to say she thinks it is regular inoffensive OH spending.

Don't flounce please, you give good advice especially to lurkers like me

[badinage]

Oh I'm not flouncing off the site. Just this thread Mrs SpagBol - and thanks

The thing is, what my non porn-using husband (who doesn't have a collection of 14000 pornographic images and would never have had the time to collate them even if he had, seeing as he's a working parent just like me) spends our money on is not relevant.

The OP has spent what she considers to be her debt on clothes for their children and herself. In our house that would be regarded as family expenditure and neither of us would need a secret bank loan or credit arrangements to buy them.