Oh my god I am going to fucking kill dh. His fucking porn habit.

[Ilovemydogandmydoglovesme]

Have just caught him watching porn for the umpteenth fucking time and this time I have snapped.

I didn't get upset and ask him why he does it and ask him if he loves me and does he want to split up. I TOLD him in no uncertain terms that if I catch him again HE will be out on HIS arse. I told him I cannot do this anymore, worrying about should we divorce and how I'd tell our little dc's. I do so much for him, I am a sahm and quite frankly I'd like to see how he gets on without me here but I wouldn't leave my dc's.

We have a great sex life. Why does he feel the need to look at these women? What's the big thrill? I just don't understand it and I never will. I don't get the urge to look at naked men all the time. He is one small fucking step away from a divorce. I don't want to turn my life on its arse and upset my children over such a stupid thing but by god I am running out of patience.

Don't expect any advice. Am not going to ltb just yet. Haven't quite got my head around that one right now but really needed to vent. Thanks for reading. Feels cathartic to write it down and know that someone might sympathise. Told DBil and his partner last time it happened. Got no help there. Think they were too embarrassed to mention it again. Lots of tutting and tea and sympathy at the time, well from her anyway, he was definitely too embarrassed to talk about it.

[onefewernow]

Chat rooms too? Hmmm. My H's online sex habit ( used to have ) started with porn use. Are you sure you really know what he has been up to?

And why didn't he delete it yet?

[Tenacity]

OP blocking access is furtile. You can easily overrride parental control. Google has means and ways.
You can also change administration rights easily too...

[cronullansw]

Pear - you tell me where it says I'm not allowed to offer opinions and I'll comply. Until then, tough, I'll continue to offer mine, where and when I feel like it. Just because they do not coincide with your views, or even the majority of MN posters, is not your problem.

As for OP, it's all about control, it always has been - ''he does something, I don't like it, I will force him to comply. It's my way or else.

The pc alterations are further examples thereof. The fact that it's porn means nothing, it's irrelevant, it could be computer games, or football, or even golf, something that the op wants to control as just another stage in the relationship - in which she is clearly unhappy and now discussing violence....

[Snazzywaitingforsummer]

cronullansw but if it's all about control on the OP's part, it's hardly been very successful, has it? I can't quite see her as the big control freak when all this time, she hasn't actually had her own way about this at all - her husband has. So are his actions all about control?

[ladyjadie]

I wonder if he's found out he's been blocked

[nickymanchester]

Having read this whole thread this evening - it was a long read - I'd just like to add a few comments. Some of these may not be very popular with a couple of the very strident anti-men posters on this thread.

Through my work, I have come across some obsessive collectors - although I must admit the largest was only about 6,000, not 14,000.

You mentioned that your DH is very obsessive in a number of his other hobbies and I would suggest that with this porn collection, the word ''collection'' is more important than the word ''porn''.

Men - and it is generally men - with this sort of obsessive personality can easily go from an ordinary interest in a subject to a quite obsessive collecting interest with relative ease and without realising that they are doing it. I would strongly suggest that his interest in such a large collection relates more to him collecting the ''entire set'' of a particular actresses photos rather than primarily using this as material to use for masturbation.

Think of him as similar to an obsessive stamp collector, but with porno pictures instead of stamps and I think you will get nearer to his real desires and motivations about having such a large collection.

I would suggest that, in his mind, he probably does not see it as cheating on you or demeaning you in any way but simply an expression of his obsessive nature.

Now, I am in no way trying to say that what he is doing is in any way justified, I'm just trying to, perhaps, shed a little light on his motivations.

I don't know how well you have articulated your feelings about this to him in the past and, I would suggest, that it is likely that he doesn't yet really understand the effect that this has on you and why you feel the way you do.

Might I suggest a couple of things and, if they really don't work then I would strongly suggest that you need to get some outside counselling, both together and individually.

Perhaps start off by asking him if he understands how you feel about this and to get him to actually verbalise what he believes you are actually thinking and feeling right now. You might be surprised at how little he understands your feelings, as some men like this can find it very difficult to really understand things from another person's point of view.

This will give you a starting point to make it clear to him how this affects you. However, this may well not be enough to get him to understand so I would suggest doing something further. Go online and get some pictures of gay porn - there are lots of pictures of really cute naked guys online with huge erections. Don't bother with regular porn, go for gay porn, that's where all the really cute guys are - trust me.

Download some of these pictures and then confront him with them and ask him how he feels about you looking at these really cute naked guys with huge erections while he's out at work.

I would suggest that he won't be too happy about that. Get him to verbalise - actually talk out loud - about how he feels about you doing it and then that will lead on to a discussion about how his viewing and collecting is affecting you.

Finally, I really would say that you would really benefit from dealing with some of your own self esteem issues as you do seem to put yourself down quite a lot which is definitely not a good thing to be doing.

[peteypiranha]

Nickymanchester- Why would any man be annoyed at his wife looking at sexy men with huge erections, unless he was very insecure.

A large number of woman also use images for sex/masturbation and their husbands wouldnt care in the slightest.

[BabsCholmondeley]

I havent noticed any anti men posters or misandry on this thread.

Plenty of strong opinions on porn use, but it's a topic which always seems to divide people on here.

JeRegarde-nasty comment. If you disagree with a poster why not argue the point with them instead of making comments like that

[nickymanchester]

peteypiranha

I totally agree with you - and I definitely fall into this category and me and DH both enjoy watching porn - or at lest stuff that we both find erotic, most of it is a bit of a turn off for me though.

The only reason that I raised this point is that a number of men really do have trouble understanding these sort of issues from their partner's point of view. This was merely one way of highlighting to the OP how she may be able to get her DH to consider her point of view.


BabsCholmondeley

You say that you haven't seen any anti-men posters. Reading back over the thread I guess that some posters are just so anti watching porn that their posts are so angry that they appear to verge on being anti-men.

One poster in particular comes to mind with comments such as the DH being ''this sexually incontinent misfit'' and ''Is he terminally stupid as well as a socially-stunted weirdo then ?''

I didn't see the ''nasty comment'', it was deleted before I looked so I have no idea what it was. I can only guess that it was aimed at me for what I said in the post above.

I note that this is the one and only post that JeRegarde has ever made on Mumsnet so I'm guessing that it is probably someone who has already posted on this thread but doesn't have the guts to put their own name to the comment.

[nickymanchester]

just to add to my previous post.

I sometimes post on an American site that deals with relationships:-

talkaboutmarriage.com/

The big difference is that it is a lot more evenly balanced in terms of men and women posting there, unlike Mumsnet.

I doubt anyone would get away with posting comments like ''this sexually incontinent misfit'' and ''Is he terminally stupid as well as a socially-stunted weirdo then ?'' on that site without being called on it.

To my mind, this is quite right.

Some women, both here and in real life have such negative attitudes towards men that I can only feel sorry for them.

[LostMyIdentityAlongTheWay]

Ah crap - read a couple of pages taht my laptop missed for some bizarro reason.
OP I'm talking bollocks. Ignore my post, am trying to get it removed.
Apologies all - situation is a bit different to what I originally envisioned... bear with me whilst I get MNTowers to do the deed...

[KarlosKKrinkelbeim]

"As for OP, it's all about control, it always has been - ''he does something, I don't like it, I will force him to comply. It's my way or else. "
No. The people with the need for control are the people who make cretinous points like this. They find it impossible to accept that women have the right to decide who they will and will not have intimate relationships with; that every woman has the right to decide that she does not want porn, or its users, in her life. To them, any assertion of this basic autonomy by a woman is extreme, unbalanced, pathological.
And what is scary, is that there's a lot of them out there.

[badinage]

I'm anti anyone who thinks their right to porn-induced orgasms trumps their partners' rights to a life without lies, a decent sex life, time spent on family and couple life (rather than on cataloguing 14000 images) and some decent conversation, rather than those held in sex chat rooms.

But anti-men? Not at all.

Anyone who seriously thinks all men are like this, does them a huge disservice. Those are the posts that are 'anti-men'.

[BeCool]

nicely put badinage

[paull1010]

I read that they attempted to do a study in Canada (?) to compare attitudes etc (of men in their 20s), comparing men who HAD seen porn with men who HADN'T. The study had to be abandoned, as they simply couldn't find ANY men who hadn't or didn't use porn.

Porn is just something men do, some men do it just to get themselves in the mood, ready for bedtime with the missus. I know I've done that!

It sounds like the key issue is that you feel you can't compare with the sexy young things in the pix. If your sex life was getting quite racy, there's clearly no problem, relationship-wise, at HIS end, and this is essentially about the fact that it's making you feel insecure.

I can pretty much promise you that men don't make that comparison themselves when they watch pornography. The process runs like this: "mm, that's sexy to watch, I'm getting turned on, wonder if the wife fancies one".

My advice is, if that's the only thing wrong, then stick with it, and try to adapt yourself. Watch it with him, you may get to like it.

[BeCool]

So paull you are suggesting that the solution to the OP's husbands obsessive porn collection, lies and deceitful behaviour that is destroying his marriage and has pushed his wife to the very edge, is for the OP to get into porn with him?

What an amazing idea - after all it's her problem really isn't it? I wonder why she didn't think of this? Suck it up love, everyone's doing it!

FFS!!!!

[badinage]

All that 'study' proved was that all the men surveyed had been exposed to porn at some time in their lives. A control sample of women would have probably had the same results.

So what?

It's like undertaking a study to prove that everyone in a control sample of London residents has seen an underground train, or a red bus. That doesn't mean that everyone in London uses the tubes or buses and nor does it mean that everyone who's seen or used porn continues to do so throughout their lives, regardless of the effect it's having on their relationships, their sex lives or their political conscience.

[pinkballetflats]

Paul - what if she doesn't like porn?

I feel that the issue of the problem being porn is a bit of a red herring relaly.

While I disagree with how the OP is currently dealing with it (because IMHO she is not solving the problem and actually creating more problems) the plain fact is that her partner is doing something that HURTS her - she has told him it HURTS her - and so he continues to do it, not seek out help, not address the issue, not listen to her feelings.

IMO it doesn't matter that it's porn - it matters that he doesn't care enough to change his behaviour.

[theonlysaneinthevillage]

paull

They may be looking at it in there 20's, but you will find that they are giving it up in their droves in their 40's and 50's.

Reason- Erectile Dysfunction.

They can't get off on vanilla sex after years and years of looking at the debauchery on the internet.

Good luck with that.

[BabylonReturns]

So I can only assume that he hasn't discovered the parental controls on the computer yet?

[Ilovemydogandmydoglovesme]

No he hasn't discovered them yet. He has been so busy at work he hasn't had time. I have been on the computer though and the Internet is definitely fucked. I can't get it to work. I've been through every page I can find, it won't work. I don't know what I've done so I don't know how to rectify it. Fucking thing.

I kept coming back to read this thread and wasn't surprised to find it had descended into the usual argument about porn. I am grateful for everyone taking the time to post some advice though.

As much as I want to rekindle our normal relationship, something has clicked for me. However much I want things to go back to the way they were, I feel differently about him. I can't put my finger on exactly why. He's the love of my life and I still hope he will tone down the porn habit and pay me a bit more affection and attention, but to be honest I'm starting to feel apathetic about it all. I've got used to the porn and the emotional neglect and over the past week the shock has worn off so I don't know quite why I feel like this now.

We had a lovely weekend with the dc's and had some lovely family time but when we were alone together I just thought 'you know what? I don't care anymore'. I don't feel sad about it either. I still don't think I'm quite ready to break up the family unit but I definitely don't feel heartbroken about it either. What's that all about?

Oh and nickymanchester thanks for your post, it was very informative and made a lot of sense. I did try to send you a pm but I'm on my phone so not sure if it worked.

[pinkballetflats]

What is it all about? I'd say you've stepped over your levels of tolerance and you are in the beginnings of detaching from him - I'm sorry he hasn't been more thoughtful :(