Oh my god I am going to fucking kill dh. His fucking porn habit.

[Ilovemydogandmydoglovesme]

Have just caught him watching porn for the umpteenth fucking time and this time I have snapped.

I didn't get upset and ask him why he does it and ask him if he loves me and does he want to split up. I TOLD him in no uncertain terms that if I catch him again HE will be out on HIS arse. I told him I cannot do this anymore, worrying about should we divorce and how I'd tell our little dc's. I do so much for him, I am a sahm and quite frankly I'd like to see how he gets on without me here but I wouldn't leave my dc's.

We have a great sex life. Why does he feel the need to look at these women? What's the big thrill? I just don't understand it and I never will. I don't get the urge to look at naked men all the time. He is one small fucking step away from a divorce. I don't want to turn my life on its arse and upset my children over such a stupid thing but by god I am running out of patience.

Don't expect any advice. Am not going to ltb just yet. Haven't quite got my head around that one right now but really needed to vent. Thanks for reading. Feels cathartic to write it down and know that someone might sympathise. Told DBil and his partner last time it happened. Got no help there. Think they were too embarrassed to mention it again. Lots of tutting and tea and sympathy at the time, well from her anyway, he was definitely too embarrassed to talk about it.

Just wanted to add my tuppence worth: in the first few months of marriage I found out my husband was subscribing to FHM. Now he KNEW how I thought ANY porn, pg 3 girls, FHM, etc was despicable (he'd binned his porn collection when we were going out when I found out he had one and kicked off!). Completely against my principles. Anyway, the magazine came through the door - I cut out every topless/naked girl...there wasn't much left of the magazine. I then replaced the photos of us in frames around the house with said naked cut-outs. He came home and we had a blow up. I made it clear that this was a big no-no for me. He cancelled subscription and apologised, never again, bla-bla.

Year or so later, I find dirty images on his computer - big blow-up, I go off to my parents, he apologises like a dog with his tail between his legs, thought I was going to divorce him. I make it clear that next time I will.

Fast-forward a couple of years...me breastfeeding newborn surfing net on his computer...and the screensaver is some girl 'pleasuring' herself. We had company at the time, I glared, he jumped and grabbed laptop. I don't recall fighting about it. I probably felt sorry for him with tearful wife not at all interested in intimacy.

Next incident...well, I find a particularly 'stained' pair of underwear in his study. I left it on his laptop to let him know that I'd found it. He didn't mention it, I did, but it didn't blow up, just a cold disgusted shoulder from me. Clearly the time I thought he was playing computer games (which also annoy me but another topic), he was actually seeking comfort from the girls on screen.

Bottom line...I don't trust him, I think he watches porn as much as he can without me finding out, but as I am not really bothered by sex (as in don't really want much, once/week more than enough), I figure he needs some stimulation somehow. It still disgusts me and somehow I have to drive this zero-tolerance through to my son. But for me, not worth ending our marriage over and in a way, I feel myself to blame due to lack of my libido so don't feel I have grounds to end marriage. Plus now with kids...I couldn't do it to them. They adore their daddy.

Not sure this helps, but gives some perspective to what others out there have experienced.

I've caught DH at it more than once and have said that if it happens again I will very seriously consider leaving him, or at the VERY LEAST insist on counseling.

I have laid out the reasons why I despise porn and why I would be very upset if I caught him doing it again.

If he does do it again, to me that is saying that he doesn't respect me and I don't think I can be with someone who doesn't.

katie, I found your post there a very sad and revealing commentary on how to gradually dismantle and compromise your own principles for the sake of a man

depressing stuff

Have you read 'pornified' by pamela lee.?

It is a really good read. I already thought men who use porn where a bit sad and sleazy. But they come across as absolutely pathetic in the book, and that's without the author making comments or judgements.

I made concrete plans to leave my dp, right down to a disussion about how to split the furniture, how much he will have to pay for the kids, and i asked him when he would be likely to want contact- and scared the bejesus out of him. He has persuaded me to stay with the promise of counselling.

He knows i will leave if i catch him again. I have told him that i refuse to have porn in my life. That is my right. If he wants it in his, he can have it, but he will have to leave.

I asked him how he would feel if i was writing/sex emailing soliders via a penpal in afghan type thing. (not as random as it sounds, as i have a thing for marines ) He said he would consider it worse. I argued that it was just words on a screen, and i wasn't seeing someones genitals and masturbating over it. I said that i see porn the same way he see's this, and he see's porn the same way i would see sex texting soilders.

I then asked how would he feel if he had asked me to stop doing it and then caught me still doing it? Except i didn't let him answer, i said would you feel that i was being disrespectful? Would you feel that i didn't care about your feelings? Would you feel that i have prioritised sex texting over my relationship with you?

He got it. Whether he stops is another matter, but i am adamant- 100% that i will leave. I can't be arsed. I've already told him my respect for him is very low at the moment.

My exdp did the categorising thing. I don't think it was anything like 14,000 but he had categories like, hardcore, softcore, bj's etc.

Sad sad little man.

So true AF. I'm not going to actively go hunting for evidence, but if I come across any I think I might take some tips from previous poster with regards to penpal type thing example and try to regain the fury I felt initially rather than the worn-down wife I come across as.

I am sorry, katie

I hope you find your self again very soon

Anyfucker is right, especially about him having 'so little time' (supposedly) yet still collecting all those images etc and watching porn

And anyone who believes porn stars are liberated needs to watch Louis Theroux program on it. Troubled, damaged, exploited, trapped, desperate, damaged some more, anything but liberated.

14,000 images all categorised, had not seen that thread.

that is not simply a porn 'habit' that is an extremely unhealthy obsession, dangerously so.

OP hope you are okay and have had some space to sort out your feelings.

Hi all, just a quick update if anyone's still reading and hasn't given up on me.

I had a text from a friend tonight who I haven't seen for a few days asking how I am, just a catch up. I said to dh perhaps I should say well I'm considering divorcing dh because he's a selfish git who will never change.

Oh, he said. Alright. That was it. He thinks he's calling my bluff. He knows I'll never do anything so he's going to ignore me until it blows over.

I think I might ask him to sleep in the spare room for a bit. It's a small step but at least it's a step.

One other thing - it's dds birthday next week. We're having a big party with lots of family and friends coming. I've got stuff ordered, entertainment etc, everyone's looking forward to it, especially the dc's. I can't do anything that would spoil that.

the party thing ?

There will always be another party, another birthday, another xmas, another Mother's day, another holiday, another whatever won't there ?

not a month goes by in my house where there isn't something family-orientated that would be "spoiled" by someone standing up and saying "you know what...I'm not doing this any more"

this is what he relies on to make sure you soldier on, keeping the stiff upper lip, the front that you have a functional relationship, the stable arena for your children to grow up in

and all the while, the internet pornography is still there, still calling, still his priority

the spare room ? good idea in it's own right

but as a long term plan...it's just a temporary state of affairs, and he knows it

asking him to sleep in the spare room is a start, if it helps you OP then take that small step.

if he isn't taking your 'considering divorce cos he won't change' remarks seriously, then don't make them in future. go quiet on the outside... but do keep planning in your head what you need to do for your future happiness.

or rather listen to AF. its true there will always be family occasions 'not to be spoiled'. just remember, he is the one spoiling things though, not you.

I don't know what makes me more miserable, being ignored or losing him.

an habitual porn user is no prize to be won or lost

unless we are talking about booby prizes

"Losing" him will make you more miserable in the short term. Being ignored will make you more miserable in the long term.

Mac Mac is absolutely right. Earlier this month i read an article in Marie Claire about a feminist who tried to make a feminist porn film.
The female porn star who acted in the film talked about the time she was left hog tied for so long she now has permanent nerve damage in her arm.
Was v. upsetting the way she has been treated.

I've read through your thread, OP, and wanted to bring up the point that it's not just about him disrespecting YOUR feelings and wishes. he has daughters, and clearly has an incredibly unhealthy attitude towards women. Apart from the fear that the DCs may stumble across the porn, his attitude is not an appropriate one with which to raise children.

I don't necessarily mind a partner looking at the odd bit of porn now and again, but the whole cataloguing business is REALLY creepy and is really unhealthy. remember, viewers of porn push boundaries; the content of what they view often becomes more extreme the more they desensitise to it. Is that a healthy attitude for your DDs to be around?

A friend of mine plays golf. He likes it a lot.

His wife decided she didn't like him playing golf and issued an ultimatum - stop playing golf or I will leave you. She went on a womens support website making this point and they, nearly, all agreed with her.

He's disrespecting you by going against your wishes... was the cry.

Personally, I thought she was out of order by imposing her will upon her husband merely because she didn't like his hobby.

Your mate's kids finding 14,000 images of golf courses would be just the same as OP's kids finding 14,000 images of women being fucked in the arse.

Good analogy. Well done.

it's not a case of the OP just not liking his 'hobby' tho, is it?

its bad enough if any all-consuming interest by a partner has a detrimental and damaging effect on your relationship and family life. Of course this obsession with cataloguing shitloads of porn is a cause for concern.

what are you going on about golf for anyway? this is not even in the same league as someone not liking their partner play golf.

Cron, probably it was not ALL about the golf.
It may well have been the weekends away leaving her at home with the children, not contributing at home, spending money, etc.

And porn is not even remotely similar.

Besides, anyone can choose what they are prepared to accept or put up with.
Whatever it is, it is each person's right to end a relationship.

OP, not sure what you expect at this stage.

He clearly doesn't care enough about you to have stopped his porn use.
You have stayed with him after the previous episodes, and he thinks he will this time too. He'll just need to let it blow over.

He won't change. Only, perhaps, faced with a major upheaval to his life.

The question is, what are you prepared to do?
Stay or leave?

Even with a DC birthday soon, you can gather advice, go to a solicitor and initiate divorce proceedings.

cronullansw every thread I've seen you posting on, you have been unhelpful, obstructive and downright shit stirring. Leave it out please or take your business elsewhere.

As long as your sex life is good, I don't understand what the problem is with it, it's just a fantasy thing for blokes.

Unless he is spending too much money on it or the children can see it then there is no need to worry about it so much.

And yes I have been in a relationship with a man who was into porn, but he was very upfront and honest about it and it didn't affect our relationship.

Have a read of Pornland by Gail Dines classified and then see if you still don't understand what the problem is with it.

OP I am so sorry your husband is making you so unhappy.

Please take on board what AF is saying, you deserve so much better than this