Oh my god I am going to fucking kill dh. His fucking porn habit.

[Ilovemydogandmydoglovesme]

Have just caught him watching porn for the umpteenth fucking time and this time I have snapped.

I didn't get upset and ask him why he does it and ask him if he loves me and does he want to split up. I TOLD him in no uncertain terms that if I catch him again HE will be out on HIS arse. I told him I cannot do this anymore, worrying about should we divorce and how I'd tell our little dc's. I do so much for him, I am a sahm and quite frankly I'd like to see how he gets on without me here but I wouldn't leave my dc's.

We have a great sex life. Why does he feel the need to look at these women? What's the big thrill? I just don't understand it and I never will. I don't get the urge to look at naked men all the time. He is one small fucking step away from a divorce. I don't want to turn my life on its arse and upset my children over such a stupid thing but by god I am running out of patience.

Don't expect any advice. Am not going to ltb just yet. Haven't quite got my head around that one right now but really needed to vent. Thanks for reading. Feels cathartic to write it down and know that someone might sympathise. Told DBil and his partner last time it happened. Got no help there. Think they were too embarrassed to mention it again. Lots of tutting and tea and sympathy at the time, well from her anyway, he was definitely too embarrassed to talk about it.

[Boosterseat]

Zombie thread.

[seriously2]

Seriously? Imagine a post like this by a stay at home dad complaining that his wife keeps reading erotica like Fifty Shades of Gray. And wondering how much money he'll get if he divorces her.

Would you all support that too?

[Holly1977]

I don't think it's reasonable or realistic to ban him from watching porn, any more than it's reasonable to tell him he can't wank. I understand that it's upsetting for you and of course we all have different attitudes towards porn but it's not like he's cheating on you. It's human nature to look at other people, for men and women. Looking isn't the same as cheating, or even as wanting to do anything about it. You say he compliments you and say you look great. I think you should accept these compliments and accept that he's with you and wants to be with you. Just cos he looks at fit young women on porn doesn't mean anything other than that he wants a wank, probably. I watch porn. DH and I have a great sex life. It doesn't mean I want to be with any of the people in it or do any of those things. I just enjoy it. Beware of projecting your own insecurities onto him because you're coming from a different frame of reference. Just because you feel that you're being compared unfavourably, doesn't mean that's actually what's going on.

At the end of the day, he's a grown man and he's entitled to his "hobbies". It does seem like it's bit of an obsession with so many pics collected but men can be quite anoraky about lots of things. Equally you're entitled to feel upset about it. Could you come to an agreement where he makes more of an effort to hide it, perhaps do it less frequently, and you make the effort not to notice and pretend it's not going on? as you say, you guys have a life together and it seems to me he's unlikely to stop doing this, no matter how much you want him to. There are always things about our partners that we don't like (football in my case). There comes a point where you have to accept that they're not going to change that thing we don't like so we either have to learn to live with it or leave.

[ashamedgay]

maybe he's into guys so watches porn

[FastLoris]

You say yourself that you have a great sex life and that your relationship is good in most other respects. Yet you feel bad because you can't "compete" with porn women.

Thing is, he probably doesn't even see it that way, at all. Looking at porn and having sex with someone are two very different activities. He probably just sees each activity working fine for what it is so - what's the problem?

A lot of women seem to radically misunderstand men in that respect, and assume when they look at porn it has all kinds of significances for this, that and the other. It may in some cases - and if you were on here complaining about his E.D. or something that might be different. But it doesn't necessarily.

What you do with that is your call of course. On the one hand it's pretty rare to find a relationship where things really work across the board and keep working long term, so it sounds like a good candidate to try and make it work, and like you'd be throwing away a lot by leaving. OTOH if you really can't work your way round to accepting it, you'll probably always resent him.

From the obsessiveness thing, it certainly sounds like he's unlikely to stop out of any effort of will or demand from you. He might just get bored of it one day, but you can't count on that. I'd say you've got to decide whether you can face being in the marriage with the porn as it is.

[KarlosKKrinkelbeim]

tolerating porn doesn't make you cool - just means you listen too much to other people.

[DownstairsMixUp]

I agree with the above post 100% as it was what happened in my last relationship OP. You do start sort of detaching yourself slowly. The amount of posts on here telling the OP she is insecure etc just makes me sick! My view in a relationship is if you feel so strongly about something that it upsets you and you ask your other half to stop doing it, they do, out of respect for you! This whole cool wife syndrome thing really bothers me. Just because it doesn't bother YOU don't speak for the rest of the female population.

[BeCool]

What is it all about?
I agree with pinkballetflats you are detaching from him & the relationship. You've tried and tried and cried and cried and got no where. You are reaching the limits of your ability to care. You are seeing just how very one sided the relationship is.

You are reaching the place where you will eventually acknowledge that just because you love someone, is no reason to be with them when they repeatedly disregard you, walk all over you, don't engage with you or listen to you and turn away from you. You will see and feel and know that it doesn't matter how much YOU DO - without your P being engaged and connected the process is meaningless.

The detachment is a funny thing - it takes all the emotion out of the picture and leaves clarity and insight and you can see a new way forward and a new life without all these problems.

(Speaks from recent experience though exP wasn't into porn)

[Snazzywaitingforsummer]

OP, just get someone in to fix the computer. It will be fixable by someone who knows what to do. Then you can deal with the big issue.

I think you need to tell him how this has made you feel about him, right through from the rage, inadequacy and resentment to the place now where you don't care about him in the way you did. He needs to know what the consequences of his chosen actions are. So far he doesn't really think there are any, other than keeping quiet for a couple of days every so often when you blow up.

[Vegehamwidge]

"Porn is just something men do, some men do it just to get themselves in the mood, ready for bedtime with the missus. I know I've done that!"
Wow that guy must have some serious libido problems if he needs to force himself to be aroused with porn before having actual sex

[KarlosKKrinkelbeim]

"Porn is just something men do, some men do it just to get themselves in the mood, ready for bedtime with the missus. I know I've done that!"

At least you're not married to this, OP.

[Darkesteyes]

theonlysaneinthevillageTue 28-May-13 13:22:11


paull

They may be looking at it in there 20's, but you will find that they are giving it up in their droves in their 40's and 50's.

Reason- Erectile Dysfunction.

They can't get off on vanilla sex after years and years of looking at the debauchery on the internet.



Then when they reach this point they expect their wives to go without sex. Because they only want it on their terms.

[pinkballetflats]

What is it all about? I'd say you've stepped over your levels of tolerance and you are in the beginnings of detaching from him - I'm sorry he hasn't been more thoughtful :(

[Ilovemydogandmydoglovesme]

No he hasn't discovered them yet. He has been so busy at work he hasn't had time. I have been on the computer though and the Internet is definitely fucked. I can't get it to work. I've been through every page I can find, it won't work. I don't know what I've done so I don't know how to rectify it. Fucking thing.

I kept coming back to read this thread and wasn't surprised to find it had descended into the usual argument about porn. I am grateful for everyone taking the time to post some advice though.

As much as I want to rekindle our normal relationship, something has clicked for me. However much I want things to go back to the way they were, I feel differently about him. I can't put my finger on exactly why. He's the love of my life and I still hope he will tone down the porn habit and pay me a bit more affection and attention, but to be honest I'm starting to feel apathetic about it all. I've got used to the porn and the emotional neglect and over the past week the shock has worn off so I don't know quite why I feel like this now.

We had a lovely weekend with the dc's and had some lovely family time but when we were alone together I just thought 'you know what? I don't care anymore'. I don't feel sad about it either. I still don't think I'm quite ready to break up the family unit but I definitely don't feel heartbroken about it either. What's that all about?

Oh and nickymanchester thanks for your post, it was very informative and made a lot of sense. I did try to send you a pm but I'm on my phone so not sure if it worked.

[BabylonReturns]

So I can only assume that he hasn't discovered the parental controls on the computer yet?

[theonlysaneinthevillage]

paull

They may be looking at it in there 20's, but you will find that they are giving it up in their droves in their 40's and 50's.

Reason- Erectile Dysfunction.

They can't get off on vanilla sex after years and years of looking at the debauchery on the internet.

Good luck with that.

[pinkballetflats]

Paul - what if she doesn't like porn?

I feel that the issue of the problem being porn is a bit of a red herring relaly.

While I disagree with how the OP is currently dealing with it (because IMHO she is not solving the problem and actually creating more problems) the plain fact is that her partner is doing something that HURTS her - she has told him it HURTS her - and so he continues to do it, not seek out help, not address the issue, not listen to her feelings.

IMO it doesn't matter that it's porn - it matters that he doesn't care enough to change his behaviour.

[badinage]

All that 'study' proved was that all the men surveyed had been exposed to porn at some time in their lives. A control sample of women would have probably had the same results.

So what?

It's like undertaking a study to prove that everyone in a control sample of London residents has seen an underground train, or a red bus. That doesn't mean that everyone in London uses the tubes or buses and nor does it mean that everyone who's seen or used porn continues to do so throughout their lives, regardless of the effect it's having on their relationships, their sex lives or their political conscience.

[BeCool]

So paull you are suggesting that the solution to the OP's husbands obsessive porn collection, lies and deceitful behaviour that is destroying his marriage and has pushed his wife to the very edge, is for the OP to get into porn with him?

What an amazing idea - after all it's her problem really isn't it? I wonder why she didn't think of this? Suck it up love, everyone's doing it!

FFS!!!!

[paull1010]

I read that they attempted to do a study in Canada (?) to compare attitudes etc (of men in their 20s), comparing men who HAD seen porn with men who HADN'T. The study had to be abandoned, as they simply couldn't find ANY men who hadn't or didn't use porn.

Porn is just something men do, some men do it just to get themselves in the mood, ready for bedtime with the missus. I know I've done that!

It sounds like the key issue is that you feel you can't compare with the sexy young things in the pix. If your sex life was getting quite racy, there's clearly no problem, relationship-wise, at HIS end, and this is essentially about the fact that it's making you feel insecure.

I can pretty much promise you that men don't make that comparison themselves when they watch pornography. The process runs like this: "mm, that's sexy to watch, I'm getting turned on, wonder if the wife fancies one".

My advice is, if that's the only thing wrong, then stick with it, and try to adapt yourself. Watch it with him, you may get to like it.

[BeCool]

nicely put badinage

[badinage]

I'm anti anyone who thinks their right to porn-induced orgasms trumps their partners' rights to a life without lies, a decent sex life, time spent on family and couple life (rather than on cataloguing 14000 images) and some decent conversation, rather than those held in sex chat rooms.

But anti-men? Not at all.

Anyone who seriously thinks all men are like this, does them a huge disservice. Those are the posts that are 'anti-men'.

[KarlosKKrinkelbeim]

"As for OP, it's all about control, it always has been - ''he does something, I don't like it, I will force him to comply. It's my way or else. "
No. The people with the need for control are the people who make cretinous points like this. They find it impossible to accept that women have the right to decide who they will and will not have intimate relationships with; that every woman has the right to decide that she does not want porn, or its users, in her life. To them, any assertion of this basic autonomy by a woman is extreme, unbalanced, pathological.
And what is scary, is that there's a lot of them out there.

[LostMyIdentityAlongTheWay]

Ah crap - read a couple of pages taht my laptop missed for some bizarro reason.
OP I'm talking bollocks. Ignore my post, am trying to get it removed.
Apologies all - situation is a bit different to what I originally envisioned... bear with me whilst I get MNTowers to do the deed...