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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Oh my god I am going to fucking kill dh. His fucking porn habit.

262 replies

Ilovemydogandmydoglovesme · 20/05/2013 22:14

Have just caught him watching porn for the umpteenth fucking time and this time I have snapped.

I didn't get upset and ask him why he does it and ask him if he loves me and does he want to split up. I TOLD him in no uncertain terms that if I catch him again HE will be out on HIS arse. I told him I cannot do this anymore, worrying about should we divorce and how I'd tell our little dc's. I do so much for him, I am a sahm and quite frankly I'd like to see how he gets on without me here but I wouldn't leave my dc's.

We have a great sex life. Why does he feel the need to look at these women? What's the big thrill? I just don't understand it and I never will. I don't get the urge to look at naked men all the time. He is one small fucking step away from a divorce. I don't want to turn my life on its arse and upset my children over such a stupid thing but by god I am running out of patience.

Don't expect any advice. Am not going to ltb just yet. Haven't quite got my head around that one right now but really needed to vent. Thanks for reading. Feels cathartic to write it down and know that someone might sympathise. Told DBil and his partner last time it happened. Got no help there. Think they were too embarrassed to mention it again. Lots of tutting and tea and sympathy at the time, well from her anyway, he was definitely too embarrassed to talk about it.

OP posts:
ageofgrandillusion · 21/05/2013 15:49

I agree spagbol, think OP has been put on the back foot a bit here. I don't think the money thing sounds too big a deal in all honesty. It is just those thousands of porn images I am struggling to get my head around. There is something very dark and disturbing about that, especially with children in the house. Wtf must be going through this guy's mind? OP, because you live with this, you have probably normalised it to an extent but believe me, this is seriously fucked up behaviour.
And I say that as somebody who, ordinarily, aren't too offended by porn.

MrsSpagBol · 21/05/2013 15:57

I agree Age, the spending thing is a distraction.

I too am semi ok with porn too BUT 14,000 images ....I have to say, makes me pause for thought!

Original poster
Ilovemydogandmydoglovesme · 21/05/2013 16:10

Yes the spending thing is a distraction. It was muted as a possible control issue but I don't think it is. I have my money, he has his. What he spends it on is not an issue. I can see though that the dc's clothes probably ought to be viewed as joint expenditure but I probably spend too much anyway. They've got more clothes than me and that's saying something.

I'm still trying to come to terms with the idea that my life is about to implode. Bear with me, one thing at a time.

OP posts:
Feelingsick12 · 21/05/2013 17:06

Hi ilovemydog- just wanted to say I really sympathise with what you're going through. I am in a similar situation (without the cataloging) and can't bring myself to LTB either.

I find porn abhorrent and yet all I think to myself is - what about all of his other good traits, maybe everyone has one fault or another and the grass is less green elsewhere.

On the other hand, I don't think it can be 'cured' I think they just get better at hiding it. I would expect he never really stopped tbh even though you've only just found out again.

Like others have said, you'll have to either put up with it or leave, personally I am trying to make him stop but know in my heart of hearts he won't - just not enough at rock bottom to go through the pain of leaving.

BeCool · 21/05/2013 17:23

"What this comes down to is a bloke who puts his porn addiction before his relationship and who doesn't give a shit about how much it upsets you and belittles you."
^ This!

You have every right to be furious and not to want to live with someone who does this. But it does seem that he is telling you/showing you that he feels perfectly entitled to continue with his porn habit.

For all those women here saying it's no big deal and they wouldn't mind there are also many women saying it is a big deal, they don't like it and they do mind!!!

It is totally OK to object to this behaviour OP. I'd think he was a fucking creep and I wouldn't want a man like this, and who thinks this is OK, parenting my DD's.

MrsMelons · 21/05/2013 17:39

Regardless of what anyone else says, if you find porn unacceptable in your relationship then that is all that matters.

FWIW I don't think I could accept it in our marriage as I would feel as if he is not satisfied enough with our relationship and I think it would be a deal breaker. If both parties are happy with it then I don't think it is a problem - each to their own.

Most people on here have given you brilliant advice, there is always a way and you should never stay with someone because you are worried about the money aspect, he will have to look after you and your DCs regardless.

I hope you are able to talk to him and make a decision soon, you shouldn't have to feel this unhappy in your marriage/life.

TeaAddict235 · 21/05/2013 19:10

Dear Ilovemydog, it's understandable that you would be hurt. Not to justify his actions, but we all have our weaknesses, and maybe he doesn't like certain things that you do. E.g. buy certain products, buy clothes, buying shoes etc etc etc; also maybe he feels pretty rotten about it too. Go easy on him and ask him if he feels good about it afterwards. Don't embarass him in front of his family (blood is thicker than water, and in split ups, families protect their own).

From what you have said, he finds you sexy and enjoys giving you pleasure. Maybe he just likes women, period. He may not be comparing your size, he may just like all shapes and sizes. Sometimes I get a bit self concious about my body too, but I think, he wouldn't come back for more unless he liked it either Wink. Don't put yourself down about your size, just love him and help him to realise what an amazing wife you are. Keep up the bedroom attire, and even do more (can't think of anything else).

Hope that helps hun.

Original poster
Ilovemydogandmydoglovesme · 21/05/2013 19:12

Well I've been on to the benefits website and calculated what help I'd be entitled to. Basically as long as he continues to pay the mortgage and my allowance, I should be able to stay in the marital home and I would just about get by.

Don't know what to think now

He's just come in from work and asked how my day has been. I growled 'how do you fucking think?' He's acting like nothing happened. It's like banging your head against a brick wall.

OP posts:
TeaAddict235 · 21/05/2013 19:28

Ilovemydog, is there a chance that he might be caught at work for it? It wouldn't stop him doing it at home but it might be a wake up call.

Try stopping the broadband for a while, tell the service provider to cancel it for a while, then reconnect it. Tell him about how he makes you feel. I don't know your situation hun really, but I am a strong advocate of staying together.

You have to let him know how you feel

Original poster
Ilovemydogandmydoglovesme · 21/05/2013 19:40

He can't access stuff like that at work, it's very strictly controlled.

Feel lost.

OP posts:
Snazzywaitingforsummer · 21/05/2013 19:46

Has he ever offered to give up using it completely (however un/realistic you might find such an offer)? Or does he just hope the issue will go away if he ignores it for long enough?

TeaAddict235 · 21/05/2013 19:51

Ask him what he would do if one of the children stumbled in on him in the act. That should sharpen his senses pretty quickly. No childhood should be encroached upon by porn, its child abuse. Full stop.

quietlysuggests · 21/05/2013 20:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ElectricSheep · 21/05/2013 20:23

Have you ever spoken to him about separating?

Scarletohello · 21/05/2013 21:00

Op you say you feel lost, I get that you seem to feel trapped, dependent and at the end of your tether. I really feel for you. In your heart of hearts, what do you really want to do...? Every action has a consequence, but not acting does too... I have no advice for you, I can only suggest getting a good counsellor so you can talk it through and either decide to leave, confront him, and mean it, or accept it. There are no more options really.

AnyFucker · 21/05/2013 21:30

Hello again, OP

Just catching up with our thread

I can tell you have come somewhat full circle and feel stumped again.

Can I ask how you left it with him re. the compulsive porn watching ? Am I correct in thinking he is on his final final warning ? Or have you changed your mind about that, having accepted he will never stop and it is actually his priority rather than you and the kids ?

Where is your head at ? And what does he think is happening ? That now you have STFU, it's normal service resumed ?

AnyFucker · 21/05/2013 21:30

your thread Smile

AllOverIt · 21/05/2013 21:45

It would be a deal breaker for me. Sad

Sorry you're having to go through this OP Sad

CuttedUpPear · 21/05/2013 22:05

Teaaddict235 Keep up the bedroom attire, and even do more. Hope that helps hun.

No that doesn't help. At all.

zippey · 21/05/2013 22:06

Two extremes, it started off people being ok with porn, and now its turned anti-porn. The answer is probably someplace in the middle.

Whatever you decide to do, good luck. I am just wondering what he thinks about the porn issue? Does he think you are being oversensitive or is he very apologetic about it and says he wont do it again?

Youve spoken about what you would like in regards to you're husband to stop watching porn. Im guessing your husband enjoys it. Splitting up is extreme, as is him not fully acknowledging your strong views on porn. You are fully entitled to your views, as he is. So coming from two ends of the spectrum, are you able to come to a comprimise?

Original poster
Ilovemydogandmydoglovesme · 21/05/2013 22:23

I haven't checked but I'm sure I didn't say I dress up every time because I just don't. I do it sometimes as a turn on. Will check thread.

I've ignored him mostly. I'm not in the right frame of mind to have that conversation right now. He's tripping over himself to be my best friend. I don't know what to say to him. I've never told him before that he'd have to leave and I think he's worried.

Off to bed.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ilovemydogandmydoglovesme · 21/05/2013 22:26

Oh yes, I said I usually dress up. I do, but not every time.

He's actually quite considerate in bed.

What does that mean?

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 21/05/2013 22:34

I read nearly all men look at porn. Don't know if this is true or not. I must admit it does seem a bit of a childish habit and if men must indulge in it they should just keep it private. I expect that's what most of them do.

YoniBottsBumgina · 21/05/2013 23:07

I don't think it means anything - I expect that he sees porn and sex as two totally separate things. Even if you were some kind of nymphomaniac he'd probably be looking at it. It's not you, it's him.

KarlosKKrinkelbeim · 21/05/2013 23:12

I think you need a bit of space to sort out how you feel. You are trying to enumerate his good points but I think fundamentally, it's possible you just don't like him anymore. And who could blame you. If you dislike him now, all else flows from there. You also have to think of the risk of harm to your children. The damage that can be caused by exposure to paternal porn use is well-documented. I think avoiding that would be worth quote a lot of financial upheaval.