Oh my god I am going to fucking kill dh. His fucking porn habit.

[Ilovemydogandmydoglovesme]

Have just caught him watching porn for the umpteenth fucking time and this time I have snapped.

I didn't get upset and ask him why he does it and ask him if he loves me and does he want to split up. I TOLD him in no uncertain terms that if I catch him again HE will be out on HIS arse. I told him I cannot do this anymore, worrying about should we divorce and how I'd tell our little dc's. I do so much for him, I am a sahm and quite frankly I'd like to see how he gets on without me here but I wouldn't leave my dc's.

We have a great sex life. Why does he feel the need to look at these women? What's the big thrill? I just don't understand it and I never will. I don't get the urge to look at naked men all the time. He is one small fucking step away from a divorce. I don't want to turn my life on its arse and upset my children over such a stupid thing but by god I am running out of patience.

Don't expect any advice. Am not going to ltb just yet. Haven't quite got my head around that one right now but really needed to vent. Thanks for reading. Feels cathartic to write it down and know that someone might sympathise. Told DBil and his partner last time it happened. Got no help there. Think they were too embarrassed to mention it again. Lots of tutting and tea and sympathy at the time, well from her anyway, he was definitely too embarrassed to talk about it.

[AnyFucker]

no, it's not, BF

it's quite clear that Op finds this upsetting so your comment is insensitive at best, a piss take at worst

[Ilovemydogandmydoglovesme]

Ok then, a few bad points that I can think of:

He controls the money in the house. He gives me an allowance but it's a bit smaller than what he allows himself. I know where all his savings and investments are and he leaves his bank statements where I can see them, he's not secretive, but there's definitely a suggestion of 'his' money.

He's not romantic in the slightest. Perhaps I'm not worth it anymore.

I do tend to have to tidy up after him. Like his mum. She used to tell me off a little bit if she thought I wasn't up to wifely standards. She was very old fashioned. I used to ignore it.

Oh Christ, I can't really think of anymore. Would be a better list if I wrote down all my faults.

[Darkesteyes]

How were they categorized exactly.. alphabetical order or in groups of blondes brunetttes redheads.

Im NOT being funny I just dont get how you can categorize it 14000 times over

[Darkesteyes]

I smell financial abuse.

[AnyFucker]

What have your faults to do with this ?

I think you have hit the nail on the head. You are cast in disapproving mother role and he is the naughty teenager caught wanking

you tell him off and go a bit cold for a while

he knows he will always get back on your good side by doing the odd nice thing

and off you both go again

what a merry dance, eh

[ElectricSheep]

Just the way you writing about this now suggests that you are losing self-respect by staying with him. If that is the case then you really should kick him out. Letting your self-respect/esteem get eroded by your marriage is the fast route to depression and misery for all.

If you feel that you are in some sense being paid to put up with something you find repulsive and morally repugnant then you really have your answer about what you should do imho.

[AnyFucker]

I daren't even delve more deeply into the finances. I suspect it would be depressingly revelatory.

[Scarletohello]

Maybe it's a wake-up call for you to get a life outside the home, retrain, get a job, do something that makes you feel good about yourself? This may then make you less dependent on him and more able to do something about it cos right now it looks like a stalemate...

[Darkesteyes]

YY AF

[Ilovemydogandmydoglovesme]

You "told him to leave" but already you are back tracking

No I'm not. I told him he'd have to leave if I caught him again. He got upset and went to bed. We haven't spoken since so I haven't backtracked on anything yet.

And yes it might be a little bit of financial abuse but honestly, I am shit with money and he got me out debt. I wouldn't trust myself with it. If I want something I tell him and he pays for it. I don't really have too much of a problem with that but I can see how it is controlling and demeaning. I just honesty cannot be trusted with money.

[dontyouwantmebaby]

no, why on earth should you be listing your own faults?! you're not the one with the porn addiction that is having a very serious impact on your relationship.

and you should NOT feel like a scrounger/indebted to him/grateful to him for paying for everything. you ABSOLUTELY should be demanding a degree of respect from your husband - hell, it should be forthcoming without you demanding it. You are not living off him. You are not indebted to him.

His porn addiction is having a majorly detrimental effect on your life, it cannot go on like this no matter how difficult it is to think of change and upheaval at the moment. This is not on. It makes me so angry that he can be so disrespectful to his wife and you still feel like the one who is benefitting from being with him, well you're not. It's the other way around. He doesn't deserve you OP.

[AnyFucker]

If you divorce him, you will still get your "allowance" and you won't have to put up with him wanking to images of other women virtually in your face.

he could also be a "lovely father" with his kids every other weekend, while you go and find yourself a real bloke

fancy that !

[AnyFucker]

You certainly are backtracking love, because you are already worrying about where he would go and "what it would do" to his elderly father

that wouldn't be your problem, if you really meant what you said

[Ilovemydogandmydoglovesme]

I don't know what to do about rejoining the workforce. We don't have any childcare available, my parents are dead and I'm not qualified enough to afford for us to have to pay for childcare.

I think I just feel stuck with the status quo.

[cherhorowitz]

I feel desperately sad for you OP as I really want to tell you everything is going to be okay but I think we all know that it isn't.

I'm not saying that getting a job, retraining or just doing something for you to big up your self esteem is a bad thing but that it isn't really going to solve the issue at hand, it's just a stepping stone on the way to gaining the confidence and power to say "No".

[cherhorowitz]

How old is your youngest OP?

[dontyouwantmebaby]

sorry just read all the other posts now. oh so he's gone to bed cos he's upset. boo fucking hoo. he really does sound like a child.

please don't let him kid you into thinking you're shit with money. even if you were rubbish with money in the past, I bet you wouldn't be as bad as you think (esp when your self-esteem and self-worth is being eroded in this way), he sounds quite adept at convincing you otherwise.

[Ilovemydogandmydoglovesme]

Oh god Anyfucker it must be lovely to live in your simple little world. This is what I can't correlate. It simply is not that easy to change my life around like that. I wouldn't know where to start.

[AnyFucker]

You have options, OP.

It's your choice if you want to close them all down. Getting arsey with me is an option I guess. Over and out.

[Ilovemydogandmydoglovesme]

He has gone to bed because he's upset, and probably feeling bad, and also because he's got to be up for work at five. I will have to talk to him tomorrow. After I've sat and stewed about it all day.

My youngest is three.

I'm actually in debt at the moment. I've just taken out a four grand loan to consolidate it all. I can afford the repayments alright, it'll just take about three years. If he found out he'd be furious. I just can't tell him. Not after he bailed me out last time. I've never got used to living on one wage and I spend beyond my means. My own addiction, I suppose.

[Ilovemydogandmydoglovesme]

Sorry Anyfucker I know you mean well. I've seen you on lots of other threads and I know you're genuine. I just cannot get my head around the fact that my marriage might come to an end. He was my first love and I've know him over twenty years. I don't know what I'd do without him.

[AnyFucker]

Ah, you have secrets of your own you would have to disclose were you to split ?

What a fucking mess

What did you take the loan out for ? Household expenses ? Stuff for the kids ? Clothes for your back ? More pointers of finacial abuse by your "lovely husband" ? He is meant to be the family breadwinner, but keeps you short and allows himself more ? Lovely.

I think you should divorce him. he is making you responsible for his addiction. make him responsible for yours.

Get it all out on the table at mediation, Separate everything and start again, without him as your husband.

he will be forced to keep a roof over his children's head and you as primary caregiver too

he can rub his cock off wanking to other women and you can find a proper man

it's win/win

[cherhorowitz]

You'd feel a hell of a lot more confident without being compared to unrealistic images of nymphomanics who come when their nipples are tweaked, that's for sure.

But I understand its not so easy to up and go when the love is still very much there that you've built your life upon.

[AnyFucker]

^

this is what you "do without him"

[ElectricSheep]

You have got options OP

At the least got to a solicitor on the free half hour for first consultation or to CAB and find out what you'd get if you separate.

What you need to be thinking about (and really taking careful note of) is the effect this is having on you. Is it eroding your self-esteem? Is it making you unhappy. If so, you have to take action, no matter how uncomfortable, because your life will become gradually so miserable his porn addiction will be the least of your problems.

But that needs some time and thought. If I were you I wouldn't talk to him at all about it. It's no longer about him really is it. It's about how you feel and whether you are going to tolerate this or kick him out. At least now you know for sure it's pointless thinking you will get him to stop. You won't.