Oh my god I am going to fucking kill dh. His fucking porn habit.

[Ilovemydogandmydoglovesme]

Have just caught him watching porn for the umpteenth fucking time and this time I have snapped.

I didn't get upset and ask him why he does it and ask him if he loves me and does he want to split up. I TOLD him in no uncertain terms that if I catch him again HE will be out on HIS arse. I told him I cannot do this anymore, worrying about should we divorce and how I'd tell our little dc's. I do so much for him, I am a sahm and quite frankly I'd like to see how he gets on without me here but I wouldn't leave my dc's.

We have a great sex life. Why does he feel the need to look at these women? What's the big thrill? I just don't understand it and I never will. I don't get the urge to look at naked men all the time. He is one small fucking step away from a divorce. I don't want to turn my life on its arse and upset my children over such a stupid thing but by god I am running out of patience.

Don't expect any advice. Am not going to ltb just yet. Haven't quite got my head around that one right now but really needed to vent. Thanks for reading. Feels cathartic to write it down and know that someone might sympathise. Told DBil and his partner last time it happened. Got no help there. Think they were too embarrassed to mention it again. Lots of tutting and tea and sympathy at the time, well from her anyway, he was definitely too embarrassed to talk about it.

[Ilovemydogandmydoglovesme]

He is so kind and respectful, that's the thing. He's considerate around the house, he pulls his weight with the dc's even though he's got quite a demanding job. I'm not perfect by any means. We have a fairly normal relationship till this rears it's ugly head again.

[AnyFucker]

I guess it's true though that it is more my problem than his.

No, it isn't, but all these porn apologists on your thread and in RL would like you to think so.

You should have waited for a few more replies before you started blaming yourself again

I remember the thread where you detailed your husband's obsessive categorisation of thousands of porn images. I was shocked then, and I'm shocked now that you are still with this sexually incontinent misfit.

You keep giving him empty threats. If I were you, I would follow through this time. It must be quite obvious to him you don't mean one word you say. as far as he is concerned, he lets you have a little tantrum, waits for you to STFU then carries on

he doesn't give a shiny shit how upsetting you find it, and how your self esteem dies a little more every time you get the sucker punch again, over and over

the man is a fucking arsehole who hates women, no matter what "lovely husband" persona he chooses to present to the world

stop blaming yourself and look at the man you are married to...he is a porn addict and he puts his "mistress" above your peace of mind... "lovely husbands" don't do that. Nobody needs porn, it's not like oxygen or water. He wants it, and he doesn't care who he treats like an annoying fly to swat every so often to get it

[AnyFucker]

he "doesn't know what to do" ?

Is he terminally stupid as well as a socially-stunted weirdo then ?

[cherhorowitz]

AnyFucker is absolutely right. He's proved he won't change and while you don't want to just throw away your marriage it might be beneficial to up and leave and see what move he makes. If he wants you and loves you he'll be prepared to give it all up to have you back.

I think that scares you. That you could leave and he won't want you back and that he'll choose the porn over you but this time it would be very real rather than the way he is choosing it now.

[AnyFucker]

OP, before you married this man, did you ever think you would be with someone who keeps thousands of porn images in folders on a family pc ?

really ?

this is what you wanted from your life ? What you would settle for ?

what do you really think about a man who has a compulsion to do this ?

[AnyFucker]

I think there is every chance this bloke will choose porn over the OP.

i think his behaviour is stronly pointing to that course of action. Unfortunately, there will be a lot of support for him if he does. Because we can't let women be controlling can we ?

oh, god no !

Despite the fact that he is the one forcing the issue by giving not one flying fuck about how his wife feels about a hobby that is not essential and does not enhance their family life in any way at all

[ElectricSheep]

AF you do make me larf

(BTW isn't 'Before all, do no harm' a medicine thingy, rather than a marriage vow thingy?)

OP, you sound like you are trying to repress your feelings about the latest discovery to maintain the status quo and good life. Rather than torture yourself with it, I'd let it just sink in and see how it all feels in a few weeks. It may be something you decide you can live with as the price you pay for a comfortable life.

But don't feel like you haven't got options because you have. If I were you I'd get some advice on the finances from a sol or CAB and at least know in reality and detail where you'd stand if you decide to LTB.

[Darkesteyes]

"he pulls his weight with the dcs"

Its what hes supossed to do OP You shouldnt have to be grateful for him deigning to look after his own children

[Ilovemydogandmydoglovesme]

It just doesn't make any sense does it?

Oh and he has other hobbies. Which, come to think of it, he's also a bit obsessive about. Spends hours making equipment, perfecting it, etc. He's obviously a bit of an obsessive perfectionist in some areas of his life. He's meticulous about things, he's careful with money, he doesn't drink or smoke. His job is quite difficult and sometimes he works in quite dangerous situations so he has to be very careful.

I told him I'm better than this and that he can leave. I don't know where he'd go. His dads, I suppose. Although that would probably kill his dad. His mum died last year, I don't think his dad could take the shock of knowing what his golden boy gets up to.

Trouble is I do settle for this. Because in every other aspect of our life, everything is fine.

[LilyAmaryllis]

I am astonished by all the posters saying "huh only a bit of porn". I completely get why it is so distressing and gutting and wrong. I applaud you saying "never again" to your DH, OP. Well done. I hope it is the wake-up-call he needs.

[AnyFucker]

(BTW isn't 'Before all, do no harm' a medicine thingy, rather than a marriage vow thingy?)

Different thread, ES ?

[cherhorowitz]

He is disrespecting you in every way. Like I said previously, I don't personally have much of a problem with porn and enjoy it with my partner and sometimes alone but this is a very real problem for you and a deal breaker. He is making you feel second rate when you are his WIFE and should come above his jollies online. You should not be second to images - which are REAL people performing REAL acts - when you are feeling punched in the gut every time he decides the time is right.

You are not controlling. You just want to feel happy. Sex is not enough. Your relationship is not healthy because you don't feel loved and valued. Sometimes isn't often enough. This shit is wrong and he knows it but he doesn't care because he knows he can do it again and you'll not follow through on your threats.

I can't imagine how difficult this decision must be for you OP and if you don't LTB I understand but these are the facts that he has proven to be true over and over again. This is how you feel and you can't deny it isn't making you absolutely miserable. You don't deserve this. You have put up with enough.

I am so angry at him for you OP, I can't even begin to imagine how you're feeling.

[AnyFucker]

Be prepared now for some bright spark to come on and say "has he caught Asperger's recently, OP" or some other justification for him being a collector of porn images.

[Ilovemydogandmydoglovesme]

I'm not grateful to him for looking after his own children.

He works all hours of the day and night and gets one day off a week if he's lucky and he still comes home and helps out despite the fact that I'm a sahm and have all day to do stuff. I lead quite an easy life really. I'm not saying it's the price I pay for his porn habit but I do lead a nice life and he pays for it all. Some of my friends think I'm lucky to lead a relative life of leisure and not have to go back to work. I don't mind doing the housework and majority if the childcare because I'm the one at home. And if I was the one out working and he was at home then yes I would expect him to do all the housework. It just so happens that he is more skilled, qualified and experienced than me so it made financial sense for me to be the sahp.

[AnyFucker]

You "told him to leave" but already you are back tracking

Op, you might as well stop complaining.

he won't stop and you won't push the issue

have a little rant on MN every so often, you will get lots of people who will say "it's only a bit of porn, what's the problem" which I imagine is what you subconsciously hope for so you can put it back in it's box until the next time

meh

[ElectricSheep]

Trouble is I do settle for this

It's not a trouble though if you decide it's the right thing for you. It's up to you OP. You don't have anything to prove to anyone else. You just need to decide whether you can be happy/okay living with this.

[AnyFucker]

what has this to do with SAHP'ing ?

you are casting your net very wide for justifications, love

if he gets so little spare time, as you say, surely even more reason to be utterly pissed off with how much time and precision he devotes to his sad little hobby ?

[cherhorowitz]

I don't care if he works every hour of every day of every week of every month of every year - you deserve better than to be treated second best to images of sex. Whatever you do he'll have his porn habit, be it on his phone or on the computer. He'll hide it, if he's clever but something tells me he's so open and brazen about it now that he'll never need to.

You love him, that's quite clear but at what cost? Your self respect? Your vision of a husband that loves you and wants to be with you above all else?

[Ilovemydogandmydoglovesme]

He is making you feel second rate when you are his WIFE and should come above his jollies online. You should not be second to images - which are REAL people performing REAL acts - when you are feeling punched in the gut every time he decides the time is right.

You are not controlling. You just want to feel happy. Sex is not enough. Your relationship is not healthy because you don't feel loved and valued. Sometimes isn't often enough. This shit is wrong and he knows it but he doesn't care because he knows he can do it again and you'll not follow through on your threats.

This.

[badinage]

Trouble is I do settle for this. Because in every other aspect of our life, everything is fine.

Sorry, but I don't buy that.

What this comes down to is a bloke who puts his porn addiction before his relationship and who doesn't give a shit about how much it upsets you and belittles you.

That's unlikely to be a discrete behaviour, so I'm guessing you're deluding yourself about how wonderful he is apart from that in order to avoid doing anything about it that would make your life more uncomfortable than it currently is.

Like a lot of threads where people are putting up with shit behaviour, what it comes down to is a trade off.

So if you're not going to leave him, it sounds like you're going to have to accept that he's got a porn addiction that's more important to him than you.

It's up to you whether that's a trade off you're comfortable with, but apart from leaving him there just aren't any other options available. He's not going to stop and you're not going to leave - and he knows it.

[Ilovemydogandmydoglovesme]

I think I've been the little wife for too long. I feel grateful for him paying for everything and I've got used to not having a lot of self respect. I justify his habit. I feel like the scrounger, living off him. Therefore I feel indebted to him. Oh god I can't explain it. I'm not articulate enough to express myself and in thinking it quicker than I can type it on this bloody phone with its stupidly small keypad.

[cherhorowitz]

It will always be this way. He thinks he is top dog not least because he controls the finances coming in and going out of the house but also because he feels he is in the right to treat a loving woman who should be valued, who raises his children, keeps the house and treats him with enough respect as to want help for this big issue like shit. Because that's what it is - shitty.

From last year to now nothing much has changed. Do you honestly see things changing from this year to next? From next year to five years in the future? Will you be here again crying because he's hurt you.

How long before porn and images aren't enough for him? How long before he needs the real life thrill of sleeping with someone else when you're home alone still having a great sex life? Will that force you to take the power that is in your hands and throw it at him like a shit ton of bricks? Because these things do tend to spiral, OP and I really honestly and truly hope it doesn't happen but after 14,000 categorised pornographic images, can you truly say the thought hasn't crossed your mind?

[beautyfades]

Really would not bother me, infact i mite like it

[beautyfades]

Sorry know that's not helpfull.

[cherhorowitz]

GET BACK IN YOUR CAGE, BEAUTYFADES. DON'T MAKE ME GET THE HOSE.