Oh my god I am going to fucking kill dh. His fucking porn habit.

[Ilovemydogandmydoglovesme]

Have just caught him watching porn for the umpteenth fucking time and this time I have snapped.

I didn't get upset and ask him why he does it and ask him if he loves me and does he want to split up. I TOLD him in no uncertain terms that if I catch him again HE will be out on HIS arse. I told him I cannot do this anymore, worrying about should we divorce and how I'd tell our little dc's. I do so much for him, I am a sahm and quite frankly I'd like to see how he gets on without me here but I wouldn't leave my dc's.

We have a great sex life. Why does he feel the need to look at these women? What's the big thrill? I just don't understand it and I never will. I don't get the urge to look at naked men all the time. He is one small fucking step away from a divorce. I don't want to turn my life on its arse and upset my children over such a stupid thing but by god I am running out of patience.

Don't expect any advice. Am not going to ltb just yet. Haven't quite got my head around that one right now but really needed to vent. Thanks for reading. Feels cathartic to write it down and know that someone might sympathise. Told DBil and his partner last time it happened. Got no help there. Think they were too embarrassed to mention it again. Lots of tutting and tea and sympathy at the time, well from her anyway, he was definitely too embarrassed to talk about it.

[KarlosKKrinkelbeim]

"Go back to eastenders drama queen"
What an intelligent remark. Coupled with a "lol" as well. Classic.

[Ilovemydogandmydoglovesme]

Yep. Folder after folder after folder. All organised. I was the most astonished I have ever been about anything, ever. The sheer scale of his secret stash was mind blowing. Years of work. If he'd spent all that time doing something meaningful he could have achieved world peace, or something.

I name changed after that. I have never admitted it since.

I guess it's true though that it is more my problem than his. We have a healthy sex life, everything else is ok, we don't have any real money worries, he has a good job, we live in a nice hour, the dc's are happy and healthy, etc. the only fly in the ointment is that I don't like him watching all these sexy women. I feel compared, belittled and ignored. And I don't know how to change that.

[ChippingInLovesSpring]

I remember your thread - didn't he categorise all the women or something mad like that?

Anyway, if it's making you feel bad about yourself then you do need to do more than you have in the past and actually LTB - he is not going to change and you know that :(

[Scarletohello]

14 thousand ? Ok well I can understand now why you might be bloody upset about it still happening now. It sounds like a serious addiction and you obviously find it very undermining.

[KittyVonCatsworth]

www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2011/mar/22/porn-women

[YoniTime]

The silly girls comment was just

So OP, you already had a thread where hundreds of MNers told you to ltb? You know what to do then. 100+ MNers can't be wrong.

[KarlosKKrinkelbeim]

I don't think you can change it. this habit sounds off the scale to me. Even if it were conducted with your wholehearted approval (rather than knowing it is causing you enormous hurt) it would be freakishly obsessive.

[cherhorowitz]

I remember the thread. I had no idea it was you and this changes things. 14,000 images is a lot and is a lot more deep-rooted than watching porn occasionally on his own. Even though that wasn't right due to the way it made you feel this is truly horrible.

He's not going to change. Did you try counselling after that incident? I can't remember the advice given on the thread other than LTB and obviously had no idea what happened to you after that.

[ElectricSheep]

You might also spare a thought for the poor pieces of meat men and women that are part of this very exploitative industry.

I too don't think you will change you DH in this respect OP. Sorry, I think you've just got to work out where your bottom line is on this.

[Ilovemydogandmydoglovesme]

I know.

[ThingummyBob]

Wtf

Some of the responses on here are straight out of the wankers guide to porn clearly

The porn industry is degrading to women and people who watch porn are supporting it.

OP, it would be the end for me. He is not considering you in this and not for the first time it seems.

I'm happy to offer a simple LTB.

[YoniBottsBumgina]

I know a couple who are struggling in the same way because of their opposing views on smoking. She hates it and doesn't think anyone should do it, he thinks it's a valid choice made up by the individual (and smokes socially) and every time they get into an argument because she thinks he shouldn't do it at all and he thinks she's being unreasonable by trying to stop him doing something which he enjoys and he feels the risks are low enough to be negligible. Neither of their views are wrong, they're just at odds with each other and hence it's a sticking point in the relationship.

I actually think that having at least a similar moral standpoint on issues is really really crucial. An animal rights activist vegetarian is hardly going to be able to respect a partner who enjoys hunting as a hobby. Just because porn is so generally accepted in society it doesn't mean that OP's views about it are wrong.

[Ilovemydogandmydoglovesme]

But it isn't that simple is it? We have a life together. We have a home, a mortgage, two children, friends, it's not just about him. If we split up we'd have to sell the house. I couldn't afford to live here without him. We'd have enough left to put a deposit down on a little house in town and I'd have to get help with the bills etc. I guess the girls could still go to the village school but I'd have to get them there every day whereas we walk now. He'd still have to help me out financially with them as well as find himself somewhere else to live. He's got a good job but I don't know if it would stretch to two households. I don't want all this upheaval! How the hell is anything worth all that life changing amount of hassle?

[myroomisatip]

I have not read the whole thread, but read enough.

:(

This poster put it perfectly IMO

KarlosKKrinkelbeim Mon 20-May-13 22:25:32

[Ilovemydogandmydoglovesme]

Sorry that was aimed at Thingummy's simple ltb.

[ThingummyBob]

What can say I then Ilove?

If you think its not worth it, then stay

[ElectricSheep]

How the hell is anything worth all that life changing amount of hassle?

To me it would be worth it. I just couldn't live with a man who was looking at porn. I really could not.

All the practical things you mention shouldn't be underestimated OP, they are important. BUT if you are very unhappy as you are they might feel worth it. How is the rest of the relationship?

I'd guess, as he has ignored how you feel about the porn, then perhaps he is not the most consideratye or respectful of partners?

[ThingummyBob]

Sorry, that was flippant.

Has he ever had any counselling for this type of thing? Would he agree to it?
Is a temporary separation to have a 'proper' think about things doable? Staying with family of ,for a few days even?

I think though that most of all you have to work out what is and isn't acceptable to you in any relationship.

[Cloverer]

Well, it's not something that would be a deal breaker for me, but it obviously is a big issue for you.

I think the fact that he is ignoring your feelings, and doesn't believe/care that it is risking the relationship that is the massive issue here.

Basically he doesn't give a fuck about what you feel. Maybe asking him to leave would be a wake-up call? Would he choose porn or his family?

[Ilovemydogandmydoglovesme]

It's just not that black and white. I can't leave my husband and uproot my children because of one fault in our marriage.

See, I said I was confused. I don't know what to do. He is very upset, he's gone to bed. He knows he's upset me and he doesn't know what to do.

[Cloverer]

It's a big fault though - not the porn so much, but the not caring about something that hurts you greatly.

[ThingummyBob]

Its a pretty big fault though Ilove.

Is it genuinely his only fault?

I notice that sometimes a person who is an insensitive twat in one area of their life also has other areas of pure knobbishness.

[ElectricSheep]

I can't leave my husband and uproot my children because of one fault in our marriage.

Yes you can. If it means that much to you.

You don't have to make an instant decision though obviously. As Cloverer says, a temporary separation might give you the space to think more clearly?

[Darkesteyes]

Shit OP i remember that thread. Two years ago around the same time i joined MN.

Thats bloody obsessive.

[grimbletart]

He knows he's upset me and he doesn't know what to do.

He does know what to do, unless he is stupid. Find himself another hobby. But whether he has the gumption to do it is a different matter.